it was okay yeh
today will be a bad day
ive just got on the train and forgotten to bring my stuff for uni i had to hand in... and my tablet to take notes...
but i remember my stupid hair product...
everything is on an equal footing because im useless and pathetic...
im sick of tricking myself into thinking otherwise..
im sick of me...
i hate being so tall and i hate having social anxiety...
im on a knifes edge because i feel like im about start crying at how hopeless my situation is and no one gives 2 shits...
everyone thinks im fine and im not..

hate this

Hi HamSolo01,

Please breathe. Time for some creative writing. Anything to keep your mind busy and yourself safe.

Today I sat on the phone with my friend who is in shock sitting in hospital waiting to hear if the hospital will keep her husband safe. He tried to commit suicide for the third time. She is a mess. I am a mess having heard about her fear and panic and devestation and her normally bright voice dulled with pain and guilt. This is what depression and suicide does. The pain just moves to someone else.

I spent the afternoon thinking about what would happen if I gave up. And the thought was horrible. The same applies for you.... Your friends and family those that you love would rather hear you ask for help endlessly than be like my friend with her shaky voice on the phone. So please ask for help.

Ask your sister to come for a walk with you. Ask your Dad to go for a drive. Ask your Mum to teach you to cook something you have no idea how to cook. Ask your friend to come sit outside and have a beer with you. Ask! Talk. Please.

I'm sorry. I read your post and it upset me to think you are going through this and not wanting to bother anyone to help you. Please ask. And ask. And ask. As a mum and a wife and a friend and a daughter and a sister I know how frightened I am of ever being in my friend's shoes now I have heard what true pain sounds like.

Hey mate

I'm sorry your having bad day but I'm sure your not useless and pathetic even though you might feel like it right now. I can get hating being tall I'm 6 foot 2 and I'm suposed to grow to 6,6 or 6,8 not looking forward to that. But yeah understand that today has been rough but we all make mistakes believe me I make plenty. I know what it's like to have to put on the act of being fine but inside your just dying and falling apart it's not easy far from it.

i know I'm new so I don't really know your story but if you need to talk at all I'm here.

nath

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry you had a bad day, we care about you on these forums, I know it doesn't mean a whole lot as it isn't real life interaction but you continually have support on these forums from genuine people who care about you and your well being.

We all have days where we forget stuff, it's just human nature, it doesn't happen every day, just a one off. Your situation isn't hopeless either, you just are in the middle of a battle and you just need to keep fighting to come through it.

Have you got much plans for the rest of the week and weekend?

My best,

Jay

Hi HamSolo01,

I replied earlier and it's still in moderation probably righty so. If my post upsets you even more I apologise. I'm a bit of a mess today too. Please take care of yourself.

@quercus No your post did not upset me, the post had the opposite effect actually. It helped me.

@pysis Welcome to my thread, it's great to have a new friend on here. You are most welcome to contribute. I have found the forums are a great way to vent things and seek advice. So welcome to you!

@Jay My plans are basically survival for the rest of the week. Might try to go to the gym on saturday morning again because I need to get back into a routine. This time I might not have to help a lady who fell over again lol

I went to my psych last night and it was a bit of a pitstop for me to check in to..

I think I just have to take a bit of a break from things for now.. stop trying to manage EVERYTHING.

Just do whatever needs doing.

Today I made a phone call for a job opportunity that my dad created because he knows people. It's with an MP so if i got that it'd be a cool experience. I was nervous af but i pressed on before I stopped myself from stopping myself.

Thought about applying for more jobs today but i think ill save the energy for my uni work. Get a chunk of that done first.

I went over a lot of strategy with ny psych which helped.

i made the point that i have to be the one to implement all the strategies and things that i have learned... doesnt matter how many appointments i make because this is still the case..

i am still a little depressed at the moment and ive only just gotten up but i just accept that and get on with whats gotta be done...
it' exhausting
i was able to narrow down all the areas that give me grief in life which i did the other day..
whats happening next year is a big part of it
money is too
and so is my social life..
this is why i want a grad offer badly but i have to act as if i wont be... im really anxious about it
but i need to try and focus on the negative thinking and defuse it from emotion.. by challenging it..
none of this is new to me but i just need to do nore of it
its really hard atm because im just about convinced my life is pointless.. then i end up in suicidal ideation.. defusion will help with that i think..
gotta take it easy both physically and emotionally
also spoke about how meaning in life doesnt mean you are happy all the time.. an important distinction..

Hello mitch,

I noticed you said that meaning in life doesn't mean you are happy all the time. That's a great point.

I think I mentioned that to someone else on the forums as well.

Even 'normal' people go through ups and downs. If we didn't, we wouldn't be human or we wouldn't be living.

The thing that makes depression so hard is it makes your life about depression. You can't get up because of depression. You get sick because of depression. You can't make friends because of depression.

But notice how even your friends will have days where they can't get up? Days where they get sick? And some struggle to make friends too.

Depression is a real struggle because it changes your way of thinking about things. It makes normal, coloured ups and downs of life all grey. It flattens it all.

So when you talked about feeling convinced that your life is pointless and needing to challenge that, you're doing all you need to bring colour back. Challenge the bleakness.

Not getting a job offer is not depression; that is the normal course of life. Telling yourself that therefore you'll never get a job offer, however, is depression.

Keep it up. You're doing well.

James

Hey mate

thanks for the welcome it means a lot thank you.

im sure your life has meaning just the fact that your doing uni as hard it might be is some meaning in your life.

thats great that you rang up about the job opportunity. I think it's a good thing to that you are pacing your self and only doing what you can.

good on you mate.

nath

Hi HamSolo01,

I'm relived that the post didn't upset you. And I'm glad to hear you planned with the Psych and have taken control and are taking care of yourself.

Good luck with the job and James is spot on if you don't get it that's just bad luck not depression. I've had so many knock backs lately but meh at least I am trying. Same goes for you. You're trying and that is a great thing.

Take care of yourself and just breathe and take things slowly. There is no hurry.

Hi HamSolo01,

Glad to see you are feeling a little better today, albeit still a little depressed but you are writing a lot more clearer and with more focus which is great, I have noticed after each session you have with the psych you come out of it a lot more clear headed and that is awesome. It does mean it is working. They challenge you too which I think is a good thing.

How did that phone call go from the job opportunity, it almost sounds you a destined for a career in politics. You never know what will happen.

I need to ask, what happened at the gym where you had to help a lady up?

Keep your head up, you are back on the right track and will continue to keep kicking mental health's ass.

My best,

Jay

hey all

just on the way to uni now thought i would post

this week has been a lot nicer than last

when i get to uni in 30ish mins im gonna do some more creative writing.. get that part of my brain stimulated again. It'll only be for a short while but its better than nothing.

Gonna get a flat white from one of the cafes on the way.

What im basically doing is whatever i need to in order to maintain a sense of normalness.

Im not stable atm. But thats okay. Just take care of myself by doing the raw basics.

Hello mitch,

I'm glad to hear you're trying to keep your mind focussed on what you need to do.

These down periods will happen and sometimes we just need to pare back a bit and get through them before we look ahead.

James

Im sick of feeling alone... :/

Hi HamSolo01,

Saturday nights suck being single I always thought. Worst night to go out with friends because of all of the players on the prowl for someone to warm their bed. Worst night for feeling lonely.

How about making a plan for what is available in your area on weekends? Night classes (my friend took a cooking class and met lots of people), volunteer work, evening classes at your gym, go swimming, check out events at your uni, night sports (another friend did night volleyball)... So many things but you need to get out there to meet someone if that is your main concern.

Sometimes it feels good to organise something for yourself rather than wait for friends to invite you. Having a regular plan where you are getting out and doing something you like and meeting new people is always good. As to the finance issue... It doesn't have to cost much. Look for low cost events and classes or just get outdoors and do something like a bush walk (the amount of people you run into who stop for a chat always amazes me).

I hope you can feel hopeful too.

Hey Quercus.

Thanks for replying.

There are a couple of themes/things i have noticed about myself when i get like that.

I've found lately that i have given 2 'friends' of mine way too much sway over the way i view and value myself. Even if i haven't seen either of them for so long, it still kicks in and haunts me. What I have noticed is that they still take the shit out of another friend we have. This bothers me. This other friend has been very helpful and he has told me that I give him good advice. These other 2 guys need to pull their head in. I can tell it'll get to a point soon where I will either lash out at them, OR be forced to step in and do something. I believe it'll be the latter.
It sounds weird that something external is having such an effect on me, but it's because i considered these 2 guys close friends... who've now essentially moved on as if nothing ever happened. They are both pretty immature but both have girlfriends... as if that was a way to establish their 'authority'. It's strange because they don't really respect this other guy... but idk if they respect me. I think it's gotten to a point now both in my own development as a person, but also as a friend of this other guy that i need to stand up for him when it happens. I really don't care what these two guys think tbh... i mean i told one of them about my mental health and it was like 'oh yeh okay.....' and did jack all about it... Whereas the dude they make fun of has actually helped me a bit.
At the heart of it I have actually let these two dopes effect the way i value myself. It's good that I have realised this. It's also good that I've actually been able to progress in the way i have both academically with uni, and emotionally (making new friends in other avenues of life).

Despite the fact I have felt lonely a lot lately, I still have people I'm friends with. I can talk with about stuff.

But that's that.

In the end I guess it won't always be like this on a saturday night - and it isn't anyway.. just been quiet lately is all. My depression just flares up on saturday and friday nights.

Anyway I need to do this video thing for this afternoon and need to do a bit more research for it.

I just did my interview

It's prerecorded. So a question pops up on the screen and i have to reply to it.

I made sure I looked like I presented well, but I always worry I come across as arrogant/smug when I speak to people in real life or on cameras. I sometimes feel like my anxiety holds me back so lately I've been really trying to stop it from happening. I dunno though.

Maybe it's why I'm alone a lot of the time.

I hate being told to put myself out there because each time I try it just gets met with failure..

But i suppose there is hope in the fact that people have stuck around and I'm not actually truly socially isolated.... I'm just very anxious... very much so...

i feel like I'm improving to some extent but then i have to remember my personality type.. I'm more introverted... so i have to figure out the balance i suppose

i hate it

Hi HamSolo01,

It is tough when you have friends who you are close too but almost feel like they do not actually care about you, like yourself my depression and anxiety flares up on the weekend, I sometimes wait for my phone to go off for someone to ask to hang out but most of time that message or phone call never comes so I am just chasing people and seeing if they want to hang out. Never fun that's for sure. It is good though that you can see that these two friends are not helping you and it is strange how the one they make fun off is also caring about you, that tells you that he is a good friend to you and that's what you should focus on. Keeping as many positive people around you that you can as that brings you up as well. It is also good you know you have friends you can talk too, I know being introverted is hard too as that requires effort a lot of time as well.

Pre-recorded interview, well done for even doing it, I doubt I could actually do that. How did you feel it went? I know you were worried about coming across as arrogant or smug but did you feel you did well with it?

What's plans for the rest of the week?

My best,

Jay

Hi Jay..

I feel like the pre recorded interview went okay..

i think my anxiety got me down though.. next part is assessment centre on the 28th.. weirdly i feel like that'll be a bit easier but idk

I have uni this week and i have an interview tomorrow with that mp. I feel like the job would be really interesting actually. Helps that i already know him - friend of my dads actually. But i dont wanna jump the gun yet.

Have to take it one day at a time.

I still feel rather depressed this morning but i guess its good to be out of the house on my way to uni.

i have gotta stop thinking about those 2 friends too.... its always on my mind... i was the reason they met and they dont include me and they speak about me behind my back.. if they do make fun of my other mate then im gonna have a go at them. They will either take what i say onboard or not... i dont care. Half of me wants to then the other half thinks its a waste of time.. worth a shot if the opportunity arises i guess.

I tutor a new student on wednesday too.

Anyway...

Thats me i guess. Trying to take it easy is hard

Hi HamSolo01,

That's the fun of anxiety, always makes us think we did worse than what we actually probably did, we over analyse every single thing we said and think was it right, did it come across correctly. I am sure you did fine. Hopefully the assessment centre is easier for you.

The job interview sounds interesting, politics does seem like something you are keen on so as long as that come across in the job interview, I am sure you will do fine, can never be too confident just because they are a friend of your dads but still go in there and give them 110%.

Regarding your friends, take your time with that, you don't want to say something you will regret later on, it is nice you want to stick up for your friend as well but just need to think about it rationally as well.

I like what you said... have to take it one day at a time, that is all we can do.

My best,

Jay

Hello Mitch,

I'm glad to hear you felt like the pre-recorded interview went well. I would even suggest that even doing the interview itself is a job well done. We know it's hard but you keep giving things a go, and that's what really matters. There's so much luck involved in actually landing a job that 90% of your work is actually done prior to doing the interview itself.

I hope today's interview goes well.

In terms of your friends - I think you hit the nail on the head there when you said that you need to stop thinking about it. "What if?" questions are so enticing but they're also red herrings - they're unimportant and distract you from the real stuff - the effort you're putting in getting up, going to uni, doing these interviews and trying to make a life for yourself. As well as coming here and seeing your doctors to improve your internal life.

I thought I'd also drop you a quick note about another poster called "Pun" who posted in the suicidal section about being 18 and feeling really insecure about being a virgin. I know it's something you're still struggling with so please don't feel the need to respond to it, but I thought it might help you feel less alone in having these thoughts.

If you did want to post a reply though, I think you've got a very healthy attitude towards changing some of these thoughts that you don't like, as well as just being really supportive with Piertotum_Locomoter in the other thread, helping him find his way too.

Hope you're well.

James

Hey James

I needed to hear that.

I just did the interview and i feel like i buggered it up and that if i do manage to get the job offered i will screw up.

I had to be honest with the man and tell him my days i was available so i will need to wait and see what they say.

Guess i got some back up plans too.

I got into the next round for a graduate role so that was cool. Really wasn't expecting it. Its with education dept in state govt. I think being a tutor helped.

My psych told me last week that applying my rational mind to these feelings i have is crucial. Its a good way of deconstructing all of it.

There's so much going on in my mind. But deconstructing it all does help. Things like seeing facebook, seeing couples holding hands... it gets to me but i just have to think critically which is an asset i have.

Thanks again for remindin7g me that the effort i am putting into making things work is good. It's extremely exhausting. Something small like an interview really isn't all that small in the scheme of things. It seemed like a peaceful place to work in and one lady said she knew me when i was a small boy lol.

I will check out the other posts you mentioned too.

I need to pace myself for each day and just stick it out. Its exhausting but remaining positive is hard. I am starting group support in 2 weeks too. That will be good.

Thanks again

Hey mitch,

Nice work getting into the next round! Hopefully that goes well too. It's pretty scary, but you are right - you've got the experience and you also have the mind to be able to do it, so it's just a matter of giving them the best impression you can.

I'm glad to hear you're trying to apply your rational mind which was something you discussed with your psych. It sounds like it's a technique which helps you.

Yeah, I think often people can make assumptions about how interviews were really easy for them so they're not a big deal. But for some people and some circumstances, interviews can be a really big deal and cause a lot of stress. You know how hard it is. Your opinion is no less valid than everyone else's. You definitely have a lot going on at the moment.

Take care for the rest of the day. Remember it's not luck and privilege that people respect, but hard work. And you're displaying a lot of hard work right now.

James

Hey I just wanted to say you made a terrific post to Pun. You really showed that you understood and listened to him, while also encouraging him to think more carefully about what he wants out of a relationship. I also loved your last story about owning a situation. That's pretty amazing.

And that quote's from Tyrion, hey? Spot on.

Hey James

I found some of what Pun was saying was helpful for my own circumstances.

But then at the same time I'm in a bad headspace atm when writing this so I don't want to say too much.

Other than the fact I am really depressed atm.

Hi HamSolo01,

Sounds like the interview may of went well, I find when you feel you muddled up that you actually did well, it good that you are up front about all the hours you can work, it is better for them to know prior. I don't think you will screw up if you get the job either, politics is something you enjoy so I think you will fit in with your passion for it alone.

Good stuff that you got into the next round of the graduate role, just keep applying and you never know what will come out of it all.

Excuse my ignorance, what does it mean when you deconstruct the thoughts, it sounds quite interesting and am interested to hear about it if you care to go into it that is.

In regards to the writing to other people, I always found writing to others has helped me on my mental health battles, helping them get through their struggles has helped me with mine, not sure how but I have seen you reply to others on the forums and your replies are always great and well informed as well. I understand you are very depressed at the moment so keep working on yourself as you are doing. The group support will hopefully also help you as well.

My best,

Jay

Hello Mitch,

You can let us know what you're thinking later when you're not in such a bad head space, if you like.

There is an old parable from...geez, the cherokee people I think? It's called something like the two wolves. I'd suggest you have a little read.

But the gist of it is:

A grandfather is sitting around the fire with his grandson and telling him about life. He tells the boy that, "There is a fight going on inside of me. It is a fight between two wolves. One wolf is guilt, anger, sorrow, envy, and anxiety. The other wolf is hope, serentiy, calmness, peace, and benevolence. We all have this fight going on, all the time.

The grandson thought about it for a while and asked, "Which one will won?"

The grandfather simply replied, "The one you feed."

I really like the story. It reminds me of what it means to be human and, I suppose, flawed. But also puts our destiny, so to speak, all back into our own hands.

James

Hi HamSolo01,

Just checking if you are ok? You mentioned you felt really depressed at the moment.

I googled the parable James spoke about and it really is a beautiful story. Feed the good not the bad. Best advice ever (thank you James). So what have you been up to today to focus on the good? How's your story coming along?

I hope you are ok (and you also James and Jay).

Hello Mitch,

You said this in PL's thread:

"I think what I have been waiting for a is a silver bullet to shoot through my anxiety. The reality is that I am the silver bullet."

I only have endless praise for that kind of attitude. It's tough work, and we might falter, but having that attitude even at one point in time will hold you in good stead to keep returning to this attitude to keep working and chipping away at your struggles.

James