well i think its appropriate i be honest here now... the last few days have been pretty average.
i keep holding out for graduation, but im actually very scared about what comes next. Working in the real world frightens me because its a sign that ill need to move on from uni. That bugs me because its a reminder about how ive wasted my time at uni by not making the most of opportunities that came my way. What's more is that im just numb. Ive felt like crying but just couldnt get the energy. Just feels like my entire situation is hopeless and im wasting my time, energy and youth.
The only positive is that i get to see a new psychologist this friday. With any luck i wont try and hide behind the veil like i do all the time. Glad ive ditched the old psychologist.
Ive practically lied my way into a job i enjoy doing - tutoring. I didnt do great in HSC but i did best in english and i pretty much gave myself an extra 15 ATAR points whenever ive applied to tutoring jobs, and 10 points on my english mark. Last night i was looking for more tutoring work, found a place looked really good, went to apply and the bloody thing wanted my hsc record... there goes that idea. The irony? the person who runs it sponsors beyondblue because of their mental health experience.... what a joke... here i am unable to apply...
i went out and caught up with a friend on saturday arvo then got invited to a party for her friend whom i knew. I hesitated at first but then knew it was a chance to fight off some of the social phobia i have. Went along, was nice, even made people laugh ffs... but i was told i looked bored at one point and that shattered my confidence. I thought i had a handle on this... all that progress for nothing.
anyway... things are bad. But yet im not suicidal (im close though) because i feel like this fridays appt with the new psych will be worthwhile.
Then theres the relationship stuff, the money stuff, the travel stuff, the body image stuff... i could go on at length really but i feel like ive wasted enough of your days.
Just done with all this.
Anyways, thanks for checking in :)
atm you guys are the only lifeline i have