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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I just feel like i have no chance..

Topic: I just feel like i have no chance..

  1. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    26 July 2018 in reply to james1

    Good morning to you all thread

    Just posting an update here today to say hi and let you know what's going on.

    So I'm about 75% sure that as of February next year I will be teaching English in China. This is something I applied for a few months back and was half hearted about it but then I decided to take it seriously once i got offered the interview. So that's where I am at right now. Also, I've been working with a tutor company that is relevatively new to the industry, they do things online so that's going to be interesting. It's a very good company who've got their heads screwed on rather well - former teachers, tech whiz people, tutors etc. So I will be doing that til the end of the year.

    I've also been working on my mental health story in relation to the charity I have started working with. That's going to be interesting too. Hoping that I can help people seek help through sharing my story.

    I've been on a couple of dates too, so that's good. Sadly the most recent one didn't really go anywhere afterwards, but I think it was because the girl had just left a relationship and it might've been too soon. I never actually knew if that was the case, but I'm making an educated case based on what she told me about. Still, would've been nice to actually know for sure... But that's just part of the experience I suppose.

    Hope you're all well and getting help you need

    2 people found this helpful
  2. james1
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    30 July 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hello Mitch,

    Nice to see you here again. it is good to hear from you.

    Sounds like you are moving forward in quite a few parts of your life which is great to hear. Soemtimes there will be set-backs, but that is totally normal and you are doing really well!

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  3. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    17 August 2018 in reply to james1

    Hi everyone

    Just an update on where things are at for me right now.

    Well, I have decided to take the plunge into studying a TESOL - TEach English Speakers of Other Langauges. Then next year I will be going to China with a UK based company.

    I think the timing is right on this one. I won't be leaving til next year so that gives me some good time to prepare and think about what I have to do in relation to my mental health beforehand. I'm not sure what the situation is re meds. But I think I might be okay by then.

    I think it's good too because it'll give me the chance to travel and also live out of home for a while. I must admit that I'm starting to get a bit sick of life around here at the moment. That's not meant as a dig at my friends and family, but I am getting a bit tired of the same scenario. So it'll be good to change it up I think.

    It does feel like I'm towards the end of my journey in mental health (the illness side of it anyway). I'm working with that charity and I've now shared my story two times in total in schools. I like the fact that people may be encouraged as a result.

    There's some weird stuff in my family but I guess I just have to accept it for what it is. Can't remember if I said anything about it in the past but yeah it's weird. I don't care too much about that anymore though.

    Anyway. It is what it is.

    Hope you are all well.

  4. james1
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    20 August 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hello Mitch,

    Oh that sounds exciting to go overseas for teaching. Good on you for putting yourself out there!

    I know what you mean about feeling like you're getting a bit sick of life at home. My sister is asking me whether I think she should leave home - I just keep telling her: do it until you can't do it anymore - you'll know when that time comes. I left (finally) at 25 but I was raring to go since probably about 20. I stayed for other people and it probably hurt my mental health a fair bit.

    Anyway, nice to hear that you feel like you're in the back end of your mental illness journey. At least in text form, you seem to feel a lot less stressed and more accepting of your circumstances.

    James

    2 people found this helpful
  5. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    13 September 2018
    Hi thread

    I'm just going to leave this here.

    I feel like
    I've hit a crossroads tonight. I'm actually very puzzled and concerned.
    Not for my welfare - because that's watertight, but concerned about my
    chart and path in my life.

    I do feel like I am amounting to
    nothing. I keep thinking about what the point of getting all this
    psychological help is if I don't actually live an enjoyable life and
    make the most of all the opportunities before me.

    What's the
    point of getting help if I spend the majority of my waking hours
    aimlessly wondering about without any longer term commitments about
    entering the housing market, raising a family and stabilising my life.

    I
    turn 25 next week. What the hell is that? Where have all my years and
    time gone. I'm beginning to fell VERY resentful and angry at myself.

    I
    can acknowledge that I'm in a better place than where I was, but so
    what? No point just saying "I'm better than I was" if I don't keep going
    forward.

    I'm not even passionate about TESOL. I feel like I'm doing it just to get a proper job.

    I'm not sure I know anything now.

    I'm sorry
    2 people found this helpful
  6. james1
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    14 September 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hello,

    Thanks for letting us know what is happening. It sounds like you've hit a bit of a wall in your path to figuring out where you want to go.

    I am not 100% clear on what has been happening recently, and if you don't mind, I'd really like to hear how you have been feeling. But perhaps I can share my own experiences with the thoughts you've put down here.

    For a while, I also was similar to you when you first joined in terms of just feeling really terrible about myself. At the time, I'd just lost a 4.5 year relationship, I was ditching my study and my career was on hold. As far as I was concerned, I was going down down down. This was from a mental health perspective, not just from a career/future perspective.

    After a bit of therapy and talking to friends, I let go of that and focussed on the small things, just like you have been doing. I even started going on some dates like you, and got a couple of small plans put in place.

    The trouble I found, just like you now, was that every now and then, I'd feel like it amounted to nothing. These small goals I'd put in place seemed meaningless in the whole scheme of things, and suddenly it felt like they were all just pointless lies to get me to engage with the world.

    I am not sure if that is quite how you feel right now, so it'd be wonderful to hear back from you.

    Anyway, that path wound up for me by going back to the questions I'd been asking before but which perhaps I was in too negative a frame of mind to really think about. For example, do long term plans really matter? Can I get enjoyment in the journey and not just the end?

    To give you an example, I am currently working in a finance job I do not love. I am very far from my dream job of being an author, and I have no plans to get there. Still, my job pays and I save that money for holidays and motorcycles and just for future use when, hopefully, I gather the courage to quit and go into writing.

    The last thing is you mentioned making the most of all the opportunities before you. I studied economics and the basic idea of that is that we have limited resources. For decision making, one of these is time. Another is mental energy. Sometimes when we are in a better place, we look back and go, damn I sure wasted a lot of time then. But we forget that, back then, we had a lot less mental energy and, actually, we made the most of our limited resources.

    You've done nothing wrong mate. You said you are in a better place than before, and that's actually amazing.

    James

    3 people found this helpful
  7. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    15 September 2018 in reply to james1

    Hey james

    I wrote a reply last night but I think the internet carked itself before it had a chance to be posted -_-

    I'll reply at le gth in due course though mate

    1 person found this helpful
  8. james1
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    17 September 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Lol, that sucks.

    Thanks, in your own time of course. I don't respond over weekends because, well, being stuck in my head is just asking for trouble!

    1 person found this helpful
  9. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    21 September 2018 in reply to james1

    Hey. Thanks for sticking with this.

    I've had a think about things and where I am up to. I turned 25 yesterday and in the lead up the penny was kinda dropping. I really have to sort it out.

    I was thinking in the arvo yesterday about what exactly it is that I need to do. What do I need to do in order to improve things.

    My psych appt on Wednesday was good for that. What I need is balance. Balance between the aims and goals I have and also the practical ways in which I can get there.

    So my first priority is to finish TESOL. Get all of that out my way.
    The second priority is to find something related to my degree.
    This will be hard because I have narrow it down. But that doesn't make it impossible.

    The Other thing bugging me atm is the sense of how fast everything is going. If I'm honest sometimes I just want to curl up and hide from the world. I'm happy to play video games rather than face my problems sometimes, but not all the time. I can see where I was at the start of 2018 and how changing my attitude and focus helped a lot. I guess it's just a case of doing that again.

    More like the craziness I read about and the craziness I see sometimes in people is what bugs me. I found that the walk I went on the other day was really good. Closer to nature made it feel better.

    I've also decided to start reading 12 rules again. Just to refresh my memory.

    I feel sad still. Can't pin it down. Best not to dwell on that bit I should think.

    3 people found this helpful
  10. james1
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    24 September 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hello mitch,

    happy birthday for last Thursday!

    How have you been since then?

    I have found that I've also retreated somewhat from the world. Not so much in a physical sense, but more in terms of letting go of responsibility. The less we let these issues get to us personally, the more time and mental space we have to focus on things that we really are responsible for: our health, happiness and general well-being. I also found that nature helps to bring us back to our core self as well.

    It's really good that you're trying to set all these goals for yourself and it sounds like they can help you to get where you want to be. I just thought I'd also add that the way you talk about them make them seem like they are obstacles and things that you actively don't want to do. You mentioned feeling sad, so I just wonder whether it is in part because of these things like the TESOL and narrowing down your job list.

    One of the things that they keep making us do at work are "development plans" where we actively put together goals and things to get to whatever we aspire to be. I am sure it works to accelerate where we want to get to, but I do wonder whether it also sometimes accelerates our unhappiness by putting the emphasis on an end goal, rather than appreciating the learning process and randomness that general life brings. Still, I know that system works for many people at my workplace, but it's just not for me.

    James

    3 people found this helpful
  11. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    31 October 2018 in reply to james1

    Hi thread

    It's been about a month since I was on here.

    Thought I'd post an update for where I am at.

    I have accepted an offer to go to Poland next year for a course in diplomacy/skills at a place linked with the EU. It goes for 6 months starting in December.

    It was kind of a lucky break because at the time I applied I was tossing up what I should do for my career. It's not a bulletproof solution but it's a step in the right direction. It means I won't have to go to China now which is what I wanted to avoid. The issue of course was that I had to find an alternative. Fortunately I have now.

    I'm heading over to the US in late November and then moving on to Poland. Then back home for Christmas. Then back over there in the new year.

    I will hopefully be using my TESOL to work while I am there. There is demand for English teachers but it's just a case of finding somewhere. The hiring season is not on at the moment. So it's causing me a bit of angst. Navigating the bureaucracy of Poland AND the EU is great fun lol...

    As for my mental health? Not too bad. Just angst caused by the sudden change in circumstances and what's happening next year.

    I think it will be good to instigate a big change like this. I am getting bored with life here and stuff that's going on. I value my friends and family but I think it is important for my own personal development that I can go overseas and live/work. While also pursuing a goal for a career in international affairs. One step closer to the better aim is always a good thing I think

    I think I have matured a lot and I really stopped caring about some of the stupid things I was worrying about. But they were products of time and circumstances. Like most worries and concerns I guess

    1 person found this helpful
  12. HamSolo01
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    820 posts
    3 November 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    All of a sudden everything goes. I end up where I was and nothing matters anymore.

    I was just sat there and I wanted to disappear. I wanted to die. To just leave all of this.

    Whats even scarier is that I just dont care. It's selfish I know. But it is how it is. I want to reset. I want to go to a period of time where I've never been. I want to leave this place and not return.

    I can't handle it. It's too much...

  13. Sophie_M
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    6136 posts
    4 November 2018 in reply to HamSolo01
    Hi HamSolo01

    We're writing as we are concerned about you and want to let you know that our Support Service have sent you an email wanting to get in touch.

    It's great that you have come to our safe and supportive community and we are so grateful that you have. The communtiy are here for you, please know that things can get better. 

    We would strongly recommend giving our wonderful friends at Lifeline a call - 13 11 14, they can talk to you and help you through difficult moments. 

    Keep reaching out to us and letting us know how you are when you feel up to it. 
    2 people found this helpful
  14. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5885 posts
    4 November 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    HamSolo01,

    From your post on Oct 31, everything was looking OK. Did something happen between then and now? I just want you to know that even in this virtual space I am here with you. Maybe, remind you of the good work you did with Azzdog also. That was the thread/story where I "met" you. You are a good person. Just as you helped others, now it is time we supported you. Let us help up, uphold you, give you strength to make it through this time. And if that is not enough, then as Sophie suggested... calling lifeline on 13 11 44.

    And in the meantime, let me sit in the silence next to you,

    Tim

    3 people found this helpful
  15. james1
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    5 November 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hello Mitch,

    It sounds like you are really struggling right now, so I just wanted to let you know that we are here to listen if you'd like to tell us what is happening.

    Hopefully, as these things often do, this is a temporary feeling. But either way, just letting you know that we are here.

    James

    2 people found this helpful
  16. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    5 November 2018 in reply to smallwolf

    hey thread

    I owe you a bit of an explanation about last weekend. Sorry about that. I can imagine it must've been quite a shock to go from where I was to where I ended up when I posted that.

    I was out at a 21st on Saturday night and during the course of that evening I was overcome with anxiety and depression. It felt like I was truly isolated and alone. Looking around at the place, people enjoying themselves and having good times. I genuinely felt the opposite. It was like I all of a sudden became detached from everything around me. I was overwhelmingly depressed. I was content with it all just going to mist there and then. Sometimes this can happen. I even considered going to the hospital. But I didn't. I just left. I witnessed an assault on the train on the way home and tried to help. So it was even weirder going from feeling completely lost and isolated in my mind and emotions to witnessing a pretty serious event.

    I was just overcome with exhaustion and emotion. IT was like it all caught up with me. I felt lonely, gross, unattractive etc. Pretty much everything I posted on the first post I made on this forums site. Everything in that first post is what I felt at once.

    I think everything just caught up with me. for the most part I'm past it. I was feeling pretty average too on Sunday so I took a nap in the afternoon for a good 2 hours and that reset my clock which I think I needed at that point.

    It's just very hard trying to navigate stuff for my year next year. In good time I suppose it will work out. IT's just very vague at this point

    1 person found this helpful
  17. james1
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    6 November 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hello Mitch,

    Thanks for updating us. It sure sounds like that was a very difficult night for you, but as you say, it was a temporary thing which you have done well to move on from. Maybe this has already occurred to you, but I thought I'd just offer a bit of a congratulations too - a year ago, even maybe 6 months ago, a very tough night like that may have taken a lot longer to process, but you've done really well to find a way to reset.

    It does sound like your future maybe feels a bit hazy and vague, and that can be really challenging. Hopefully some of that can be sorted while you're there. What is troubling you in particular? Is it the work opportunities after your 6 month placement?

    James

  18. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    7 November 2018 in reply to james1

    Hey James

    Thanks heaps for replying buddy.

    Yeah I think you are right about the fact that a year or even six months back this sort of episode would've knocked me out for longer. I think two things prevented that from happening - my therapy and also changes in my circumstances.

    The thing troubling me in particular isn't the opportunity after the 6 month stint. It's actually what I will be doing when I am there during the course. Where I will live, work and all these things. Seeing as the course is not tertiary study I need to find a place to live and also a job too. But hopefully something comes up soon. I am doing as much as I can with it.

    Parents are helping me and they seem more optimistic than I do..

    Today I am submitting a witness report. I witnessed a pretty serious thing the other day and reported it. But they wanted me to submit a testimony statement so I'm off to do that today. Kind of nervous but also not so much.. I knew what I saw so it's not like I'm lying or anything.

    Either way. That's where I am at right now.

    Caught between feeling excited and feeling nervous

  19. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    427 posts
    8 November 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    I saw your post and I thought I'd jump on here since you've offered a lot of support to my forum. :)

    I hate to change topic on what has been said. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment and I am hesitant to respond here if I diminish anything you say. So I'm sorry if it appears that way.

    I wanted to know where you stand on the relationship side of things? I mean, where is your mindset on the issue right now? I have read some of your posts on this forum here and its amazing just how similar our experiences have been. It shows that there are others out there like us who feel the way we do. It's just the narrative in society that makes us think like we have wasted our lives doing sweet fa.

    Happy birthday for turning 25. I am pretty late I know but I feel I should say something regardless. About feeling like you have wasted your life? I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm 24, turning 25 next August, and I feel so pathetic about how I've barely had any experiences worth telling about. You already know about my lack of a sex life but it is seriously getting me down lately. I know people I've been to school with who have already gotten married and I haven't had a relationship yet. I feel like I've wasted my life doing nothing and It's gotten me stuck at the moment.

    I guess I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that you are not alone on this issue. It sucks so much but you do have plans in place to change that. Going to Poland on a 6 month placement would be a life changing experience no doubt. Perhaps it will give you the fulfilment in life you need? I would love to do something like to be honest.

    I'm sorry if I looked over anything that you've said recently but I just thought I'd let you know that I'm in a similar position right now. I feel stuck and that I've wasted years of my life. We will push through this together.

  20. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    8 November 2018 in reply to Azzdog

    Hey Azzdog.

    Nice to see you here.

    I'm hhappy replying to the stuff you are talking about. Totally fine.

    Two things struck out to me in what you just wrote. I think they sum up what is going on rather well:

    "It's just the narrative in society that makes us think like we have wasted our lives doing sweet fa."

    Also this one:

    "feel so pathetic about how I've barely had any experiences worth telling about."

    I guess my reply to both of these is to recall that it is a narrative. Just a narrative. That's all it is. It's not an objective reality like gravity or evolution. Sometimes I find that I can get caught up in what I think others are thinking but then I remind myself I don't even know what they are thinking. They might think I'm a pathetic loser.. They might not... Either way i don't care. This of course means that I am also impervious to compliments and attempts to build up my ego from other people. If someone says I am good with women (which is strongly contest lol.. I'm really good at the friend zone haha) then I don't take it either as a compliment or criticism (in case I react negatively to the compliment... Which can happen)

    I think all that highlights how shallow people can be. I guess I don't really value those sorts of compliments. Case in point, I ran into someone from high school a few months and they said I looked good. Initially I was kind of happy about that, but then I caught it out. What if I had looked worse? Would they have said that? No.

    I suppose what I'm saying is that compliments and criticisms over physical appearance are boring to me. I care more about genuine, true connection between friends. Friendships are not built on that basis.

    I think the answer to your question is that I tune out from the crap. In every way. When I can't tune out from it, I just make light of it. It's striking to me that a lot of people who we'd consider attractive or good looking don't actually care overly much about their appearance. They are focused too heavily on how to improve themselves and how to make their way in the world. As I write this I just finished at the gym and the girls working there said hi to me as I walked in. I was initially kind of happy about that lol... But then I realised they say hi to everyone... Like that is part of their contract. Lol.. Bringing myself back down.

    I've got a bit more to say too so next post coming up

  21. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    8 November 2018 in reply to Azzdog

    I'll tell you something Azzdog.

    I was repulsed by what I used to look like. Disgusted even. Even know I still cringe when I see old photos.

    After having sorted myself out a bit more and worked out too I was kinder to myself. NOT because I thought I deserved it after looking better, but because I realised I was just not taking care of myself beforehand. I took better care of myself and then realised I am deserving of that anyway. So I keep a steady fitness commitment without wanting to become a freak. After all, the mind, soul and heart are what we have all throughout our days. Our bodies get old.

    Which brings me onto sex haha.

    I read a really good article on Quilette the other day: Consent Isn’t Everything and Sex Is Not Like Tea
     

    It basically analyses hook up culture and how it denigrates us. I think it really reduces all of us to bits of meat. Having said that, I still hold a liberal attitude towards sex. I guess I just realise I have the ability to choose when and in what manner I can do it. So I accept society's liberal attitude, but I also exercise my own choices in all this. In the last six months I went on three dates. None went further. But I am happy for the experience. It was just a learning curve

    I don't think changing society's view is the way to go about it though. I think developing your own view, cultivating self respect and just getting by is the important part. While those around me are having sex and going full speed, they are welcome to. Maybe one day I might? I'm not sure.

    I'm just not interested in what everyone has to say.

    I'm not even sure I answered your question. But I think there is heaps of room for more discussion here so that's good!

     

  22. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    8 November 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Also Azzdog, I was just watching an interview from the Intellectual Dark Web - which is like a group of public intellectuals who talk about heaps of things - some of them contentious (hence the phraseology of dark web)

    Never forget that insecurity is a powerful marketing tool. I think sex falls into this category too. If I am perfectly honest, I think that sex is made into nothing more than an outlet - like playing a videogame when you are bored. Just go and have sex. That's a bigger issue at play I think and this is possibly where a good deal of the frustration and well founded beliefs you have about the way people are treating sex can be found. Make people feel insecure about who they are, to the point where they start questioning their own worth as a person. It's cruel (how we solve that I'm not overly sure about) but that is also a topic for another time haha. It's political.

    The general point I am making however, is that I think you might need to ask yourself why and where a lot of these expectations are coming from? If they are yours, then okay so be it. Then ask yourself why you have them, ask yourself why you value it so much? I'm a firm believer in the individual making choices for themselves and I think this sort of thing applies here too.

    What is it you value most of all? Why do you think that sex, relationships and intimacy are on your mind at the moment? Do you feel ready for a relationship but just don't have a significant other atm? Do you just want sex for the sake of impressing others?

    There are a lot of questions. I think they are important ones to answer prior to figuring out what should be worth worrying about.

  23. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    427 posts
    9 November 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    That's the way I look at it as well. It is just a narrative that some espouse to make themselves look better. I think a lot of people are quite insecure about what they have done with their lives and try to highlight really vapid parts of themselves to make themselves think they are living a decent life.

    Take yesterday for example. I don't know where you live but here in Melbourne we have some of the worst mainstream radio channels in existence. I don't normally listen to them but I have to when I am at work. Yesterday, all they literally talked about was sex. What accents were sexy, relationships, the act of sex, seriously its all they talk about. How boring must their lives be if that's all they talk about? In an ideal world it shouldn't be that big of a deal but society makes it a big deal. It really makes me annoyed to be honest because I don't think about it as much as others think. It is just when society talks about it so much I get obsessed over it. It doesn't help that I have OCD as well lol.

    I don't normally compliment someone over their appearance at all. I only do it to people who I really care about. I don't do it people I don't know or haven't met. I think it is quite superficial to be honest because it is just judging someone on appearance.

    I have decided to work on myself a bit more as well. I am trying really hard to eat better and start working out more regularly. My studies finish soon so I'll have more time to work on that. We need to look after ourselves because, you re right, we deserve it.

    I tend to hold a liberal attitude towards sex. In fact, I would describe it as a "I don't really care" kind of attitude. I am not interested in other peoples sex lives because I think it is quite superficial anyway. It isn't something you can put on your resume and having a vibrant sex life doesn't give you much of a leg to stand on. I don't look down on it I just have my own values and principles for which I stand for.

  24. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    427 posts
    9 November 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    I tend to think people think of sex in a flippant way because they have had it ingrained in society for so long that they almost take it for granted. Thats how I see it. I think people view marriage in the same way. It really doesn't happen to everyone unfortunately.

    Sex is just another advertising tool to make others insecure most definitely. I was doing a subject at university where we looked at the advertising industry and its marketing practices. One article we read posited that the advertising industry should be abolished because it is not selling products based on merit anymore. Like, there was an add selling the ice cream magnum and it used sex as the selling point. What has sex got to do with ice cream? If you can't sell the ice cream based on why its different to other competing brands then maybe it just isn't that good.

    To answer your questions. If I am to be brutally honest with myself right now, I am not ready for a relationship. I'm just not. I'm not in the right headspace and I don't feel good enough about myself to not have my insecurities projected out so much. The expectations are coming from society and I'm just impressionable enough to let it get to me.

    I value good, honest, meaningful connections with anybody. I value having conversations with good people about interesting topics. Sex, relationships and intimacy are on my mind because they are everywhere. I am in a vulnerable state right now where I don't even have a functioning social life, let alone a potential romantic connection with someone. I am not so interested in sex but I more interested in having a meaningful connection, that is what I value most of all.

  25. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    11 November 2018 in reply to Azzdog

    Narrative is such an interesting phenomenon I think. The stories and lessons we tell ourselves.

    Mainstream radio is like that. Personally, I listen to Triple J or Triple M. If I'm in the car that's what I listen to. I can't stand pop music stations with "personalities" who don't know much lol.

    You know one of the most attractive things I find in a girl is when she is career driven, focuses on being a better person, and tries her best to live by a moral code. It's just such a refreshing thing to see, shows that she is grounded too - not trying to impress other people.

    That's awesome that you are trying to work on yourself as well. That's probably the best investment you can make in the long term - always pays good dividends.

    See I agree with you. I don't care about other's sex lives. It's weird to be interested in that if I'm perfectly honest.

    Also, 100% agree with you here: "I tend to think people think of sex in a flippant way because they have
    had it ingrained in society for so long that they almost take it for granted. That's how I see it. I think people view marriage in the same way. It really doesn't happen to everyone unfortunately."

    I think selling products based solely on merit would be interesting because then we'd see a different type of market. There'd be greater competition in some industries and virtually none in others. Yeah I think I saw that Magnum ad. Some ads are weird.

    Yeah, I think I fall into the same category in relation to relationships. I think "if not for love, then not at all". Call me old fashioned. There tends to be some sort of vague expectation (from whom I don't know) that at some age you just "have a relationship" in the same way that "you have a license to drive" or just "have facebook/twitter".

    Guess the same can be said for virginity too. It's weird being a sexual liberal but still a virgin haha. I dunno, I kind of like it to be honest. My view on virginity is that you do it when you are ready - simple. I'm not a big believer in the "guy who gets many women = player and the girl that gets heaps of guys = promiscuous". People's sex lives are their own business. Yet, the fascination with other's sex lives is weird man.

    It feels like that might happen when I visit a mate in the US lol. But who knows. My view on sex is like my view on lots of things - when you are ready and willing to, then do it. Simple really. I'm not sure why people don't get it?

  26. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    11 November 2018

    I think part of why people like to talk about other's sex lives can actually be pinned down to psychological condition. In a sort of "Pavlov's Dog" type scenario, where certain topics illicit a certain response from people. There's a lot to be said about Fruedian projection here too. Basically, people start projecting their fears, anxieties and perceived faults onto other people - the classic one being when someone says a person is gay, they do it because they themselves are trying to hide their own sexuality. That sort of logic probably takes place on the topic of sex - people feel anxious, intimidated or bothered about talking about sex and so they end up projecting their own anxieties onto others.

    You know I think if you take pride in the fact that you are a virgin by choice people will respect you. I can't help but think that if they don't then whose the insecure one? does that make sense?

    Interesting how you noted that the expectations are coming from society BUT that you also said you are impressionable enough to let it get to you. I wonder, given this amount of introspection into yourself, if you could potentially resist anymore pressure from society? If one is aware of the pressure they receive from some external source, I think that the person can develop ways in which to forego that sort of pressure. Don't get me wrong, I do know what you mean in relation to that though. Wouldn't want to dismiss the effects of that pressure at all. I've been there man.

    I think a healthy, functioning social life is your first goal by the sounds of it. My first goal was stable, meaningful work. That had now evolved into moving to another country lol.

    Either way, there are pressing concerns that need attending. Once we start dealing with these I think the relationships thing can start being dealt with.

  27. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    427 posts
    11 November 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    I don't even listen to mainstream radio anymore. I made that decision a long time ago. I have an auxiliary cable that I got for my birthday in August. I just plug my iPhone in and listen to the music. Or I may have a cd I just keep in the car for a week. It was a really wise decision on my part.

    That's exactly what I find attractive in a girl as well. It is great to hear that in our superficial mainstream culture which emphasises the things that don't really matter in the long run.

    It's weird no matter who you are. I find it weird as well particularly. I may sound naive here but I really don't get the obsession. Is that naive? It just doesn't stack up to me. Maybe because it is so perverse in our society and I am just over it.

    "I think selling products based solely on merit would be interesting because then we'd see a different type of market. There'd be greater competition in some industries and virtually none in others." I think we would also see a market that is held to account by the consumers. Selling things based on merit is not as exciting as selling a magnum ad based on sex but it would tell you why you should buy it over other competing ice creams.

    Yeah I feel a bit old fashioned about relationships as well. I think also the prevailing notion is that somehow at our age we should really be married by now and have a house of our own. I'm still living at home with my parents because its the best I can do right now. It's too expensive to move out and it does hurt my self-esteem. I don't want to live with my parents forever. I know they can't look after me forever.

    To be honest I don't really care about how many people have others slept with, regardless of gender. It really doesn't make you a better or worse person because of it. However, when I hear guys talking about their sex lives it makes it sound like conquests where the women are just tools. It makes me so sick to hear that and I wonder if these women would date these guys if they heard what they really thought about them.

  28. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • China
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    james1 avatar
    2977 posts
    12 November 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    hey people,

    I love the conversation going here. It's so important to be airing our thoughts because, I think especially for guys, it's just not the typical conversation that happens. It seems to all be football and hot chicks, but I think most guys have another side which is just crushed by society so either we're silenced, or we just silence ourselves.

    Anyway, the only thing I wanted to add to the conversation is that I think most people, possibly us included, are more tied in with social expectations and pressures than we perhaps should be, and also more so than we want to admit to ourselves. I mean, hell, we're sitting here talking about it as if it matters, while saying it doesn't matter. Seems a bit ironic, hey?

    But then again, it's very hard to define ourselves without knowing and relating to society in some way, so it makes perfect sense too.

    Still, if I had to name some people who truly didn't care about what society thought, it'd be some older person who literally has no idea what else is happening in the world and couldn't care less. They're just content - or not - to deal with their own life, their own personality and personal integrity. And I think there's something noble in that which we haven't gotten to yet as we find issues with society and sometimes try to fix them.

    My grandfather is like that. He doesn't know much about the world outside a 30km radius in China. But if you are a friend of his, you know you can always count on him.

    James

  29. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    12 November 2018 in reply to james1

    Hey all

    I think not caring about what society thinks about you doing something is quite different from having a disregard for other people. One can be caring without caring what others think about your life choices.

    Perhaps this too has been forgotten in this day and age?

    Chronic lack of respect for the individual as someone who can make their own choices is abscent too. That extends itself to heaps of areas.

    It really is a "non-issue" when it comes down to it. It's an issue if we let it get to us THAT much. That's what the incel movement is all about. Making them just as bad as the people they criticise.. Don't even get me started on them lol.

    Gotta be honest, the guys that boast about their hookups seem to me to be insecure. It's such an odd thing to boast about. I think denigrates your self esteem too.

    This is probably why it is important to have good friends. People you can relate to on a decent, human level. Not a competitor level where you have to put others down etc.

    Anyways. I could go on forever lol

  30. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • China
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    james1 avatar
    2977 posts
    13 November 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Oh it's interesting that you bring up respect. It's something I've been thinking about a lot recently in the context of generalisations.

    I was reading about incels a lot recently, because I'm super interested in how that social environment developed, and I've realised that we (us and the media) generalise a lot about incels and treat them as just one homogenous group. But really, there's a lot of difference within incels and they are just individuals who are connected by their sexual frustration, but then have very individual feelings about these. Some feel entitled, some feel like they don't deserve it. Some hate women, some just wish they could have a respectful conversation with a woman.

    The guys you talk about, the so called "pick up artists"...oof, there are so many individuals in that group that clearly show no respect to anybody and in my vindictive mind, don't deserve much back. But, at the same time, I know many in those circles who actually never do anything wrong and are just there to (misguidedly) try to learn how to be confident. Unfortunately for them, they get lumped with the bad guys and I wonder if we contribute to their disillusionment by treating them all the same.

    Respect from others is so important to our mental health for obvious reasons, and it goes both ways. There are so many people in society who we do not like because of their behaviour. I guess the (rhetorical) question I have is what level of respect do and should we give them? My own observation is we give them very little respect, but perhaps they deserve a voice of their own; not one that is attributed to their associates, and not one which we assume them to be.

    Anyway, it's got very little to do with mental health, except that I think if we can improve our relations with people generally, by ensuring that respect goes both ways whatever their and our personal beliefs, perhaps it might help us be happier and better supported when we are not in a great place.

    1 person found this helpful

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