Thanks for posting these thoughts.
I'm caught in the same loop as everyone else and in a particularly down patch at the moment. Hard not to take it personally. My partner and I usually have sex once a month. It last for 10 minutes. I do everything, she lies there and doesn't touch me at all. She says she likes it that way and every other position/approach is far too much effort.
We have kissed (passionately) for a good 5 years. She hasn't given me a physical compliment at all in this time. She doesn't touch/hug/caress/come near me. In the other direction. it's completely the other way. I massage her most nights (she feels neglected if I don't do it for a week).
I'm wary of smothering and we talk about that regularaly In fact, our relationship is amazing apart from the physical intimacy. We communicate more than any couple I know. We are thoughtful with each other, amazing friends. We align on the important issues, especailly around parenting.
I'm 100% aware and feel very strongly about people not having sex when they don't want to. I don't want that kind of sex. I don't want it out of obligation - I want it out of passion. Yeah, passion is the word that describes what I'm missing.
I've tried everything: backing right off for a couple of months, forcing the issue. I exercise, meditate, read and basically make sure I'm in peak condition for my own sanity and to make sure I don't let myself go.I've tried romance. I've tried talking directly about it. We've tried counselling. My wife even said (reluctantly) that I could sleep with other people. I was so offended and hurt. Then I made plans to do this. But I just couldn't. I'm not like that - it's not how I'm built.
This issue clouds my head so often. I'm always doing things to reduce tension in the relatinship, in the bedroom. To make things easier. To accommodate. To satisfy all of her needs (sexual, emotional, day-to-day) and I get so frustrated that this important need of mine is just completely neglected. What am I supposed to do? I'm so sick of the phases of feeling so low, then learning to ignore it for a while, then it happening again. I'm so nourished by the relationship, but so undernourished sexually and with all forms of intimacy. Really don't know what to do.
So sick of the hurt and rejection. So sick of feeling low.
What do I do?