Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Long term support over the journey / Not coping after disclosure

Topic: Not coping after disclosure

  1. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    7 March 2017

    Please help me. Im really struggling.

    last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

    I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

    9 people found this helpful
  2. Nikkir
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Nikkir avatar
    192 posts
    7 March 2017 in reply to startingnew

    Hi startingnew,

    Thank you for your post:) I understand how you feel and I think when you do suffer from anxiety/ trauma it makes things seem and feel a whole lot worse. I am not sure what you mean't by hotline? or if it was anonymous or what it is that makes you feel bad but all I can say is "what is the worst that happened?" you are still here and I am sure not that much damage was done in actual terms and if you just observe what made you ring this line then you might learn and understand some of your behaviours:) Try to have a bit of a laugh at yourself as well and know that we all do and say things we wish we didn't. Just get out there make some new memories and know that it is a new day! I really hear you though but that's what I do. You can always call us on 1300 22 46 36 or chat to us we would love to hear from you ! Best Wishes Nikkir x

    4 people found this helpful
  3. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    7 March 2017 in reply to Nikkir

    unfortunately i cant really laugh about it :(

    i was sexually abused :(

    a hotline like kids helpline type of thing

    5 people found this helpful
  4. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11220 posts
    7 March 2017 in reply to startingnew

    Hi Startingnew and Welcome

    Nikker is spot on for mentioning the Beyond Blue 24/7 Support Line 1300 22 4636

    Just a friendly reminder that the forums are rock solid secure to ensure your privacy if you have anything else to add that we can help you with

    You might feel overwhelmed right now and thats understandable as you have called a help number and had a good vent.

    you are not alone here

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

    4 people found this helpful
  5. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    7 March 2017 in reply to blondguy

    thank you @blondguy

    any ideas how to feel less embarrassed and ashamed would be great :(

    1 person found this helpful
  6. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11220 posts
    7 March 2017 in reply to startingnew

    No worries at all startingnew :-)

    Embarrassment and Shame are like guilt.....They are man made feelings that are short term (unless we continue to focus on them continually)

    Anxiety/Depression are serious clinical issues....you dont have them from what you have written

    Embarrassment & Shame can be handled well by having a really good 'vent' to a close friend or even your GP......Its like blowing off steam.....we all need to. Having a small support network of one or two people can provide us with a way out by just talking about our feelings

    If you dont have one or two people that you can vent to....see your GP as they are bound by the strict privacy rules & regulations to ensure your privacy like we do here.

    Its difficult to help as I dont know the issue but I hope some of this has helped

    Unless you wish to give us even a rough idea of whats happening :-)

    my best

    Paul

    4 people found this helpful
  7. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    7 March 2017 in reply to blondguy

    i aslo suffer from severe GAD, severe PTSD and severe Depression.

    i suffer from these 24/7 and struggle very much with SH as well.

    one of the ptsd events i am handling but the other is the one i just disclosed which is the sexual abuse

    1 person found this helpful
  8. monkey_magic
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    monkey_magic avatar
    3936 posts
    7 March 2017 in reply to startingnew

    Hey startingnew,

    Im sorry this has happened to you. It wasn't your fault and you can start putting the blame where it belongs, on the person who did this, they are the one that should be feeling embarrassed.

    You made a courageous first step by telling someone, how brave of you and you should be proud of yourself, you took the first step.

    It takes time to get through these injustices and it would be good if u can find someone you trust like a good councillor, friend, family member to open up to so they can support you.

    You can find your strength again after trauma.

    I hope you are OK :)

    1 person found this helpful
  9. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    7 March 2017 in reply to monkey_magic

    my family and friend dont support me :(

    im not really ok but i guess i have to be

    1 person found this helpful
  10. monkey_magic
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    monkey_magic avatar
    3936 posts
    7 March 2017 in reply to startingnew

    Hey you,

    Thanks for getting back to me. It's understandable you're not feeling OK but you shouldn't have to do this alone. I would suggest speaking to a councillor then and expressing yourself in a journal/diary. You can always share this with your councillor. Sometimes it takes time to find a good one or you could get lucky and find a good one straight away.

    Also, feel free to keep expressing yourself here if you feel comfortable.

    You could be helping others with how you are feeling and by what you have been through and are going through.

    Just to let you know there are many others opening up about the same things. You can find solace in other's story's. Feel free to have a read around the forums.

    Best wishes x

    6 people found this helpful
  11. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    7 March 2017 in reply to monkey_magic

    Yeah ive been journalling and i see my psych next week as well. Thanks :)

    2 people found this helpful
  12. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15318 posts
    8 March 2017 in reply to startingnew
    hello Startingnew, I'm sorry that this struggle has been so stressful for you, and yes sometimes we do feel ashamed and embarrassed but that's not our fault, it's not what we would ever want to happen, but don't hate yourself nor blame yourself, simply because you never asked to get any of these did you, no.
    To be sexually abused is disgusting and as I've always said that I detest this type of behaviour as a form of violation.
    If you're not OK then that is by no means satifying enough to console you, but I have this feeling as though you may not trust us enough to open up a little more, look that's OK because we have to earn your trust, and feel as though we have to tell you that it's quite comfortable posting on this forum, we don't know who you are, or what you look like, so you're anonymous to us, except that we know you are struggling all by yourself.
    We really don't want you to feel as though you can't trust us, but I assure you, we have your undivirected attention, because we only want to get you through this period to help you feel as though you do have people who want to help you. Geoff.
    3 people found this helpful
  13. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    8 March 2017 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff

    i know it wasnt my fault but i sometimes cant help but think it was and i still just feel so embarrassed and like im a dissapointment :(im not really sure what else to say

    at least i can say that it was dealt with when it happened im more just disclosing it a psych etc. ive kept it a secret for so long after it was dealt with but it really is still there and i struggle with it all the time despite knowing im safe etc.

    its not that i dont trust you guys on here, it really is more that i dont really know what else to say or what to add in and i just so embarrassed and feel like a dissapointment

    4 people found this helpful
  14. monkey_magic
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    monkey_magic avatar
    3936 posts
    8 March 2017 in reply to startingnew

    Hi starting new,

    Im going to flip it around for you and say that what happened to you was terrible, embarrassing and disappointing. But you are amazing, you are human. You are amazing because you survived, and now it's processing it all, dealing with it and getting through the other side which I believe you can do.

    Be gentle on yourself and it's perfectly OK to feel the way you do.

    Have you researched the effects of sexual assault? I'm saying this because it could help to normalise what you feel emotionally, psychologically and spiritually...but with some healing will come freedom and this can make you feel better about yourself and all of the things that have happened to you.

    Id also suggest doing things that will increase your self esteem and confidence for eg going for a walk, writing a poem, painting a picture...anything you like really.

    You cannot let this beat you. Its time to take control back. You are now in control of your feelings and choices, its your life...time to do what makes you feel good.

    1 person found this helpful
  15. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    8 March 2017 in reply to monkey_magic

    hi steph

    i dont know how to process it. i dont know how to move forward and i dont know how to heal.

    i have a very slow self esteem as it is and im struggling so much with anything

    1 person found this helpful
  16. monkey_magic
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    monkey_magic avatar
    3936 posts
    8 March 2017 in reply to startingnew

    Hello,

    I understand sometimes these feelings can stay inside. Research the steps of grief/ the grief cycle which will explain the feelings you feel. Also you can research recovering from sexual abuse. You could find a support group? Or go to a supportive community centre. Art therapy and interacting with pets/animals can help some, gentle exercise, or exercising hard out..

    Maybe one of the community champions can direct you to useful forums on here??

    I learnt that the opposite of depression is expression so expressing these feelings in a healthy way ( some ppl punch pillows) .

    Theres a smiling mind app that people use, so you could google smiling mind...

    Sounds like it all has to be unravelled...it will happen in time..

    For me personally if someone holds me, hugs me I find it easier to release emotions...but sometimes these people don't come around that often, in that case I nurture myself.

    U could go to a good church? Speak to a paster or a female there??

    Good luck xox

    2 people found this helpful
  17. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    8 March 2017 in reply to monkey_magic

    thanks steph

    ill have a look at that app thanks, im not religious so im not really up for going to church ( no judgement on any one who is religious), ill have a look at some sites that deal with this issue :)

    thanks again

    2 people found this helpful
  18. rustee nails
    rustee nails avatar
    29 posts
    11 March 2017

    it's been about a month since the first time i disclosed everything that was done to me ,

    to the 1st person in my life ever.i was never touched up, just almost everything else.

    it was a very shocking, viceral experience that had me in shock for days.

    and i felt like it was still somehow my fault, but it got better every day ,

    i'm not gunna give you the same advice as everyone else has.

    i just want you to know that there's some very good advice on this page,

    even if the cheery disposition seems a total juxtaposition to the subject matter,

    everyone here wants what is best for you,and i can't understand exactly how you feel.

    but i can tell you it get's easier and the more you work at it the easier it get's.

    Good Luck

    3 people found this helpful
  19. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    11 March 2017 in reply to rustee nails
    thanks for your advice. i really appreciting it. i really do hope it gets easier with time
    1 person found this helpful
  20. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11220 posts
    11 March 2017 in reply to startingnew

    Hi SN

    I think you are really pro-active with your health especially having a counselor too!

    I had chronic anxiety for many years and only saw my Psych every few months as I had low self worth with low self esteem because of the anxiety attacks.

    It took me years but I eventually had weekly therapy for 8 months and the psych had me crying like a baby..it felt awful and uncomfortable at the time but after a couple of days I felt like I had so much weight lifted off me..my self esteem and self worth picked up all because I increased the frequency of the therapy.

    It does get better with time and super regular therapy (and meds if the GP thinks they are a good idea too)

    Im really happy that you are part of the forums now startingnew :-)

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  21. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    11 March 2017 in reply to blondguy

    hey

    thank you for welcoming me into the community. i quite like being here :)

    ive decided to see my psych weekly even though i know how hard its going to be every single session.

    i actually feel ok to to tell you the story of what happened..

    it all started when i was 16 when my mother got her new boyfriend. it didnt happen straight away during the relationship. he seemed really nice and caring and i never really had a father figure to look up to before so i was quite happy to just take on his advice etc just like a father- daughter relationship but after a while some true colours started to show and when my mu would go out, he would often say i coud stay at home with him and at first it was ok, i would just stay in my room and do what normal teenagers do ( study, listen to music, read a book etc) but one day that changed. he called me down to the lounge room ( we had upstairs bedrooms and bathroom and downstairs kitchen bathroom lounge room set up, so anyway he called me down to the lounge room and made me watch 'dirty' film clips and i said i didnt want to and he said well ill just tell your mother tat i caught you watching these when she gets home so i had to watch them, i tried not to watch them by just looking at the walls etc but i still had to stay there and i was too afraid to say something as why would people trust teenagers over an adult hey....then one day he called me down again and made me watch it again but afterwards i had to get undressed and one thing after another. i was so afraid and again didnt want to say anything as why would they beleive a teenager over an adult. they would just think im lying. this happened a few more times and it killed me each and every time to know that i was allowing this to happen.it finally ended when she left him through other factors (being violent) and now thats been dealt with but it still haunts me every day and i often worry whether itll happen to me again, or worse i now have younger sisters so i constanlty worry about it happenign to them.it still haunts me everyday, and kills me just that little bit more inside each and every day. it makes me feel so ashamed, and dirty and like a complete dissapointment.

    2 people found this helpful
  22. rustee nails
    rustee nails avatar
    29 posts
    11 March 2017 in reply to startingnew
    you're not a disappointment .whatever you do . you were the victim.
    3 people found this helpful
  23. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    11 March 2017 in reply to startingnew

    My dear innocent girl;

    I cried when I read your story above. I feel so much compassion towards you right now, because I 'know' exactly how you feel; I've lived it. I'd like to give you wisdom that was never given to me in the hope it helps you in your recovery.

    You haven't said if you've disclosed this to your mother; is this what you mean by 'it's been dealt with now'? The reason I ask, is that mother's aren't so much equipped to deal with this sort of issue, but they're wonderful to cry on.

    If you haven't yet, the words you begin with when you do have the courage is; "I need my mother. I don't know if I can get thru this without you" She'll probably need to seek counselling for herself, but that's a step in the right direction for you both. Secrets are toxic...

    Men like 'him' groom parents before they groom children. Your mum is a victim too. They scout for vulnerable single mothers to prey on, instilling false trust so her children will ultimately be left alone with them. Polarising tactics they use like violence and love, creates confusion...on purpose.

    Enticing you to watch x rated dvd's, (making you a so-called accessory) is abuse (as well as a crime) and part of the grooming process. He needed for you to feel ashamed, dirty and blemished to make you self blame.

    In my case, my body felt pleasure. That haunted me like a lead yoke around my neck; I was 11 and never spoke those words until I was in my late 30's, to a clinical psychologist.

    He told me this was normal as the body/mind detach during this type of trauma. (Fight, flight, freeze response) Needless to say I wept like a baby and grieved from my heart for the decades I thought I was born a whore.

    It's going to be a long road ahead. PTSD symptoms (including anxiety) can be managed, especially because of early intervention on your part. So congratulations! You're mighty, mighty! It takes courage to find your voice at such a young age.

    I'll continue to support you by checking in when I can. Ask me anything ok? Re you being a disappointment; how would you respond to your sister if she thought this about herself? Now say it to yourself...

    I'm bloody proud of you for speaking up! You and your mum were conned by a very experienced predator, end of story.

    Warm and gentle thoughts...

    Sara

    11 people found this helpful
  24. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    11 March 2017 in reply to startingnew

    Dear Startingnew (terrific name by the way),

    You have already received much insightful advice. But I need to butt in just to say how impressed I am with your courageous attitude. Being an ex sexual abuse victim, I know all too well that being open and proactive takes guts. Dirty and a disappointment ?? I think not. It is clear who the dirty, disappointing one is here.

    As dependent children and youngsters, we are left with little choice. The ball just isn't in our camp. Added to the rest, this feeling of helplessness and isolation is horrible.

    I hope you are proud of yourself for initiating a turnaround. Rest assured you will be supported and cheered on every step of the way.

    My thoughts are with you.

    3 people found this helpful
  25. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    11 March 2017 in reply to rustee nails
    thank you . your support means alot to me!
  26. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    11 March 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    aww im sorry i didnt mean to make you sad :( im sorry :(

    i havent actaully told my mum the full story, but she knows alittle bit.

    its been dealt with the correct way and everyone else is safe. i dont really want to elaborate to much on it except that its ok now and everyone else is safe.

    im 21 now.... ive just tried to hide it and block it all out.

    1 person found this helpful
  27. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    11 March 2017 in reply to Just Sara

    i also have severe gad, severe depression, social anxiety, healh anxiety and ptsd from another event as well. im also a carer for my pop and my 2 younger sisters

    did you have to tell your gp and get those 'tests done. i havent told my gp yet- im a chicken- but ive been told that even if i havent been 'active' i should still get the tests done when i hit 21 anyway....

    i havent told my psych about it yet either- again im a chicken

    i cant be in a room with a male on my own and i cant be in a room with 2 males at all.

    i cant look at myelf anymore- all i see is shame, guilt and dissapointment.

    it makes me feel very sick every time i think about it.

    i had the same physical sensation as you and i was so guilty and scared from it, despite being 16 so i was aware of what was going on but its totally different experiencing it rather than learning in in pdhpe classes esp this way so i guess i thought everything was normal.

    i had a boyfriend at 14 but we broke up after 6 month adn before this happened but i often woner whether this was his intentions too. i havent had a relationship since 14. im too scared to be touched even by females which i weird but i guess i have to go with it.

    has it affected your relationships too?

    my mum has a new boyfriend, soon too be hsuband and he has a totally different feel about him and he acts very differently- prob sound stupid and hope it makes sense. i still cant leave my sisiters with men not even my pop for gods sake!!

    1 person found this helpful
  28. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    11 March 2017 in reply to Starwolf

    hi starwolf,

    i cant help but feel this way even though i know i wasnt in the wrong, i just cant help it. i cant even look at myself anymore- all i see is guilt, and shame :(

    i cant get over the feeling?

    did you have to go for those 'tests' too and did it affect your relationships as well?

    1 person found this helpful
  29. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11220 posts
    11 March 2017 in reply to startingnew

    Hey startingnew

    That took an incredible amount of strength to write

    You really are an amazing person

    Im really happy that Sara and Starwolf are here to be with you

    my kindest

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  30. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5859 posts
    11 March 2017 in reply to blondguy

    thanks you

    yes it took a fair amount to carefully work it as well to go with the commnity guideline but i got it there in the end.

    i wouldnt say im amzing but thank you :)

    1 person found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up