Hey everyone.

I'm in bed writing this at nearly 2am. I can't sleep because of insomnia, and my meds make me feel so sick. I haven't been eating properly because of this and being depressed, as in not eating as much as I usually do. Plus people snoring and the noises it's hard to ignore. I'm stressed with all of this and I'm anxious that I'll end up sick and in hospital. Some days I feel quite dizzy like I'm going to faint and I'm worried about that especially when I go for my walks and there's no one else around. I feel like vomiting right now and I haven't lately with these meds. I just barely want to leave my bedroom and stay in bed because I feel this way. My Psychiatrist is putting me on new meds next week sometime and I'm scared about that too.

enough about me though. Katy, thanks for your kind words and reassurance. Simon, I hope you're alright. I'm thinking of you and everyone here, please stay safe and take care of yourself. Everyone here should (although I don't).

I think these forums seem great so far, I was anxious to join and still am a bit but it seems good.

I hope everyone stays safe, please take care everyone, of your mental and physical health. I know I can't talk when I don't myself. So much stuff going through my head and half of it is about how these meds make me feel. I'm curled up in a ball in bed as I'm typing this, hoping I don't vomit and wake anyone up (although the snoring and other noises would be waking people up). I wish it was properly the morning and everyone was out of bed.

i hate the night, I always have even as a kid. I get more anxious and depressed at night, think the worst, long story and not enough characters really.

My apologies for the slow replies and rambling. Hope I'm not annoying everyone.

oh and Happy Australia Day everyone, I hope everybody has a good day whether you do anything or not. I hope no one minds me saying that either, just trying to be respectful and mark the tradition.

much love and big hugs to everyone like I always say.

Tayla x

Hi Simon - just wanted to check in with you this morning. Hope the world is looking a little brighter for you today. Any plans for your Sunday? I think it's going to be warm here so I might take the board out. Apart from that will watch the tennis. More hugs, Katy

Hey Tayla

Awful when you can't sleep hey? I hope you managed to get a bit of rest eventually. Are you up to much today? Sometimes new meds can take a bit of time to settle. I hope you get some relief soon.

Hugs, Katy

hey Katy.

Happy Australia Day to you and everyone else here. I hope everyone has a good day and takes care of themselves (not like I can talk though).

yes it does suck. I got a bit of sleep yeah. not really up to much today, we have the family friend over until tomorrow so I assume we'll go out for stuff to eat if anything's open, who knows. but for now I'm just on these forums which I seem to be enjoying.

yeah the meds have been making me feel extremely sick. I don't want to have any tests done because I'm scared and I hope I don't need to. I told my GP how awful they've been making me feel and she literally says "oh well". she was pretty bad last time I saw her. I'm disappointed and hurt. at least my Psychiatrist cares, he's the only professional who does. he'll be disgusted, my parents and I are too, and my Psychiatrist is disgusted in everything I've told him such as how I've been treated by so called professionals. he usually makes notes of this and other stuff I say in sessions but he was writing more than usual, what do you think? obviously it will go into my Psychiatry report which I'm waiting for. normally he has it done in a couple of days and it's on my file for me to read it on the website I do Telehealth with which I like, so at least he's not hiding anything from me. my GP doesn't even communicate with him and she literally told me this. I'm so confused and caught in the middle. what do you suggest I do? how do you think I should tell my Psychiatrist? what does it mean if he was writing more than usual, apart from it going on my report? he's always concerned and caring but the last session he seemed more concerned because of the extremely hard time I had over Christmas and New Years. I don't know what else to say.

hugs back,

Tayla x

Hi Tayla,

poor sleep can be a huge problem. it seems to make everything else worse. I'm currently on about 4 hrs a night. not good.

new meds or dose changes can be quite challenging and sometimes scary. unfortunately it's time consuming and hit and miss ,although when you do get it right it can be life changing.

remember for a lot of us the medications will only take us part of the way. we need to take steps to improve our mental health other ways to complement the meds.

hey Katy. any plans for Australia day. I got dinner with a couple of freinds. I have to stop avoiding social situations. hopefully it goes well.

Andrew

hey Andrew. thanks for your reply.

Happy Australia Day to you and everybody else here.

I agree with you with the meds. it's different for everyone - just like professionals, therapy, all of that. my Psychiatrist said all of it is like soup - there's lots of ingredients. I liked that analogy.

I'm sorry to hear that you struggle with sleep too. I appreciate your words and reassurance though.

how do you think I should tell my Psychiatrist about what I said above? I'm so lost and trapped in the middle. I always have to go and explain stuff from my Psychiatrist to her because she doesn't do her job. she even said she doesn't communicate with him. I have no idea why but I'm annoyed.

Tayla

Yes, poor sleep definitely takes it's toll. My gp recommended medication to help with sleep. It's all natural.

I agree with you Andrew, that we need to take additional steps to help ourselves get better. Funnily enough I only figured this out recently. I've spent a decade waiting for my psychologist to "fix me". Now I sometimes feel panicky thinking about how much of my life I've wasted, when I should have been helping myself. Regrets are useless though so I need to push these thoughts aside and keep going...

Glad to hear you're going to dinner with friends. Remember to go easy on yourself. I don't have friends lol but I might go into town and just soak up some of the atmosphere later. Apart from that it's tennis on the tv, and might take my board out as it looks like a warm one :)

Tayla, if your psych has recommended a book for you, i'd suggest giving it a try. It's got really good reviews online and it has exercises to do which you might find helpful between sessions. I'm a big fan of self-help books! You never know when you'll find something that strikes a chord with you.

Take care, Katy

hey Katy.

yeah you're right about all of that. I'll try to purchase the book online and read it. my GP prescribed me sleeping medication also. I've never taken it, because of mixed communication with my Psychiatrist and GP. I'd rather listen to my Psychiatrist though because my GP doesn't care. My Psychiatrist also told her to give me a prescription for something for nightmares, that I haven't taken either. I was going to but it's also a blood pressure tablet to lower it and I don't want to take the risk, but I also want the nightmares to go away, so I'm stuck you know? Plus my Psychiatrist said I could take the nightmare/blood pressure tablet (very small dosage then it goes up if you can tolerate it) with my old meds, but NOT these ones as they mix and it can be toxic. So I haven't tried either one of those, only the meds I'm currently taking and my old ones with 2 different dosages.

The ones I'm on now I was prescribed by my Psychiatrist a higher dosage but since they're making me feel so bad, he said DON'T take the higher ones and I'll be on a new one he told me about sometime next week. I'm scared about everything. I feel so sick every day and night for the whole duration.

Thanks for your suggestions.

Tayla x

Hi Katy,

I've been dealing with deppresion my whole adult life and am constantly learning. I too thought meds or therapy would fix me but now realise it may take more work on my part.

I too have regrets, about the life I've led ,time wasted, fesicion made but yes they are extremely unhealthy to dwell on.

Sorry to hear you feel alone. I am feeling alone myself. I spent to many years investing my time in friendships that where not genuine. I now find myself lacking real conection. I'm slowly going to try rebuild or build more meaningful relationships and restore friendships I've neglected. it's a horrible feeling loneliness.

I'm online if you want to chat .

Andrew

Hi Katy,

Thanks for your concern. It's really touching that you want to reach out, when I'm supposed to be on this forum to support you. I guess it shows, and made me realise that there are people out there that go through the same misery every day (despite different situations) but can come together here on these forums and be a rock of support. With the new role at work I loosely explained the other day, the body clock has taken a hit, and with that comes sleeplessness, and as you know when you lie/sit alone in the dark at night all sorts of things enter your head. Guess it got the better of me last night - thanks for being there and the squishy hug - I love those. Hope you have a good day on the board (I assume surfboard?), getting out and trying to enjoy the open air can be beneficial.

Tayla - thanks to you as well for reaching out today. It means a lot. Sorry to hear of your problems with your meds and lack of support from your GP. Thankfully my GP is great and both he and my psych bounce information off each other to assist me. Luckily at this stage I'm not on meds, but if it helps me out down the track I'm all for it. Sorry to hear they're making you sick, hopefully it's only a transition stage. Try and enjoy your day and have a hug from me if you need it.

Andrew - Sorry to hear you feel alone mate. As I've said here earlier I went on a whim and found this forum, and it's the best thing I've ever done. The amount of support I've received from Katy when I merely responded to try and help her, is amazing - quite overwhelming in fact. I hear you about people who I thought were friends. I've soon weeded out those who carry on about me just wanting me to "feel sorry for myself" or "playing the sympathy card." I'm guessing you've also heard that before. While wonderful people like Katy, Tayla etc are here, people like you and I will never be alone. I can't speak for others but if you need to lend my ear, I'll always be here. Hug for you mate if you want it.

Friends, thanks for being here to share your stories, its a two-way street here. If anyone feels down and out, no matter how trivial it may sound, come here and we'll solve our own problems even if no one else can.

Hope everyone has a good day

Simon

thanks Simon,

it is a great forum we've give and receive here.

mental health is something I can't really bring up in any great depth so having this forum has been good to vent and exchange ideas.

talking about work, I have a trial at an architectural company in a week . I'm quite nervous and self doubt is sinking in. it's been a year since I designed and I feel a bit rusty. I had nerve damage in my elbow that almost paralyzed my hand . it's come back about 70% so I need to learn to work with the limitations. I wasn't even leaving the house not long ago so it's a big step

Andrew

Hi Katy,

I found your thread at last...yay!

Must confess up front... I am not a tennis fan. I am one of those strange creatures who enjoys test match cricket.

My dear old mum was a big believer in the beneficial power of a good cry & a cup of tea when dealing with loss & grief. I think adding a hug in makes it work much better. So I'm sending you a long gentle hug.

It must be especially difficult for you not having any support (non professional) in r/l. I've never had children, but I do believe the loss of a child must be the hardest loss to bear. Would you feel comfortable contacting one of the support groups for miscarriage, where you could talk to other women online/in person. I know when my sister miscarried she found it helpful to be able to talk to other women who had a shared experience. Just a thought, no pressure to do so.

Huggliest of hugs

Paws

Hey Simon and everyone. I'm sorry for my slow replies, still checking the threads and replying to everyone so bare with me, I'll reply to everything I'm so sorry! Happy Australia Day though everybody. I hope you all have a safe and good day.

Simon - thanks for your kind words, I appreciate it also and I'm glad you and others feel the same. Yeah every time I see my GP I always have to tell her what my Psychiatrist says rather than her reading stuff even if she's got the report from him on the computer right in front of her. I feel like I'm caught in the middle. But in all honesty I'd listen to my Psychiatrist more because he's kind and he does his job unlike her. And he seems to have a lot of knowledge and training, kind of more than her? He's been involved with other stuff, Psychiatry stuff and other healthcare things.

Everyone else - I'm sorry that everyone's struggling, I hope everyone's alright. I'll do my best to try and support everyone.

Also, does anyone have any suggestions as to how to tell my Psychiatrist about my GP? As in wording it etc? I mean of course I'll mention what's been happening like other stuff I've told him about so called professionals, but you know. Him, myself and my parents are disgusted in all of it. I don't know what to do. Complain about my GP and others maybe? But my Psychiatrist has the right to do that on my behalf right? He seems to write this stuff and whatever I talk about down, obviously for my report and whatnot. What else would they do with their notes?

Tayla

Hi Tayla

Yes, the medications sound a bit confusing and no wonder you're feeling a bit not quite right. I hope you can get it sorted out. I'm not really sure what happens with the case notes your psych takes, or if he can speak on your behalf to your gp. It's best to ask him these questions yourself, to clarify, for your own peace of mind. If you're not happy with your current gp is it possible to change?

Hugs, Katy

Andrew

Yes, as humans we crave connection. I think being lonely is really unhelpful to our mental health conditions. Too much time spent in rumination allows us to fall further down the rabbit hole. I'm really glad you're off to dinner with friends. I long for the day I can do things like that.

Excellent news on the job too! You really are making some great steps forward. May I suggest some positive self-talk in the lead up? To try and eliminate some of those nerves :) I actually applied for a couple of jobs too. God I was nervous just even submitting applications I was near panic. I got rejected for one and never heard back from the other. I'm kind of glad to be honest. So bloody good on you!!

Hugs, Katy

Hey Simon

Sorry you had a bad night. Getting lost in our heads is the worst. But we're absolutely here to support you too. We're all here for each other and that's the really nice thing about this space. Everyone here knows it's not about attention seeking, it's being genuinely in distress and just needing a kind word or an ear to listen. What a shame more people don't understand, but I guess unless you've experienced it, you don't quite know what it's like.

Anyway, please post any time you want/need a bit of support and we'll be here for you. It's definitely a two way street. More hugs at you :)

I didn't take the board out after all. Went for a swim with my brother instead, which was nice. Lovely to have some company to break up the day. I might take the board out later but it's pretty busy around town, so I might not too.

What about yourself? Doing anything particular today? Or just taking it easy? I hope you've managed to get a nap in at least to recharge. All the best, thinking of you, Katy

hey Katy.

yeah it's all confusing to me and I'm caught in the middle. I hope there's no health issues I have, because I had something major which needed surgery in November 2018, my first surgery, that I never knew about. I hope that's not back or anything else.

about changing GPs, I could try. I don't know who to see and if I could go into another town, because other towns with Doctors are 20-30 mins away, and I don't know if my parents would drive me. I don't use public transport, and I have my Ls but never driven because of my huge anxiety. I want to drive but I don't. I'm such a failure.

and yeah I'll ask my Psychiatrist all of this when I see him again, I'll make some notes. I see him again on Feb 18.

Tayla x

Hi Paws, glad you found us :)

I really appreciate the "huggliest of hugs"! I think you're right that it was super hard not having support in real life when I needed it. My partner (ex) was really great after our loss for the first week, and he hugged me a lot while I cried a lot, and just stuck by my side, which I really needed. It's just a shame my grief outlasted his compassion. Having to deal with the rawness alone almost overwhelmed me and it was quite a scary time. I had many unsafe thoughts. I actually feel really strong to have got through it. While it's not so raw any more there are still a lot of triggers. I don't like to look at babies at the shops, or preggie bellies. The other day at the beach there was a dolphin close to shore, who had had a still birth. She was mourning and carrying the foetus around, and it broke my heart. That was an epically bad trigger. But my gp said not to hold the tears in, just let them flow, and I did, so I think your mum is right.

I don't really think a loss support group is the thing for me, but hugs certainly are. Even virtual ones. So I thank you for that. Hugs back at you. Katy x

Hi Katy,

Thanks once again for your concern, kind words and replies. You'll never know how much it lifts me to see you respond to me at times when I need it the most. I hope you also realise that I'll be here for you as well, no matter how trivial you may think your issue is. You have my 100% support.

Today I decided to get in the car and go to Geelong to do some food shopping. There is a little shopping strip in Geelong's suburbs that has lots of food shops, fresh food markets butchers etc. While I was there I went for my daily walk in my new runners along the picturesque waterfront. Enjoyed looking at the yachts and smelling the salty air on my travels. Took a few photos (one of my interests I've let slide with my depression) . Came home and decided to cook myself a "beer roasted chook" with salad and roasted potatoes. Hopefully it will taste ok with what I bought at the markets today.

No naps today, I have to be up before 4am (if I sleep) for a 5am start at work tomorrow. I'm sorry to see in another post to Paws (BTW hi and welcome Paws) about how you react after your loss. There's nothing wrong with letting go and unloading the tears, believe you me that I hold back but at times I just can't stop the urge not to bawl my eyes out. It's a pity that in this forum we can't physically reach out and catch up for a hug, so the virtual ones will have to suffice.

Hugs and love,

Simon

Simon, you're probably asleep already if you need to be up early (with the time difference and all - it's still early here). But I'm happy to hear you went for a drive and a nice walk. I'm not familiar with the east coast so I googled Geelong waterfront and it sure does look pretty. I bet it was nice. What kinds of things do you like to take pictures of? I'm pretty keen to hear how your dinner went too! Beer roasted chook sounds interesting. Meanwhile i'm about to pop a supermarket pizza in the oven lol. I've actually not long got back from the beach. Decided on another swim. I got a bit scared though as I was getting dragged into a rip, so decided to try and get out pretty quick.

Well not a bad day for me (for once) and about to enjoy the tennis, so glad of that too. A few tears today, but not such a low mood. Glad of the company here, so thanks.

Hugs to you, Katy

hiya everyone.

Simon - that's nice of you to say all of that. your day sounded fun, Geelong sounds scary but the lovely beaches and whatnot sound nice. maybe it's a bit of a nice place, I've never been there. I'm glad you had a nice day, and your dinner sounds lovely, I've never tried a beer cooked chook before haha! (love how that rhymes). I hope you're alright.

Katy - wow I'm so sorry to hear that you got caught in a rip. I'm glad you're still here! just like you Simon and everyone else. supermarket pizza can be nice sometimes haha. sounds like your day was alright too.

hope everyone is OK x

love,

Tayla xo

Hi Taylor and Katy,

Nice to hear from you both. Sorry I didn’t touch base last night, I was in bed early as I was up at 3:30am for work. I assume Katy is from Perth and I’m not sure where you are Tayla, but Geelong is a big City (second to Melbourne) but the waterfront is quiet and peaceful away from the busy part of town. Very peaceful place which gave me a chance to exercise and collect my thoughts.

The beer chook was nice, made my own home made baste and you shove a can of beer into the chook to baste the insides. In the BBQ for a couple of hours and the beer kept everything moist.

You wonderful people give me strength, and I love hearing from you. It’s great how we can be here for each other. You have my full support.

Hopefully everyone is having a good Oz Day, what did everyone get up to? I finished at midday and took it easy, didn’t sleep well again last night Going for a walk to clear the mind soon

Perth is a great place, love visiting there even though it’s so far away. I’m visiting there for a week in the end of March.

Thanks for the kisses Tayla, some back and hugs for you all. You’re a very special group of people.

Simon

Sorry Tayla auto correct put you as Taylor...

hey Simon.

thank you, nice to hear from you and everybody else here too. and no worries about the late replies, I hope you're alright and taking care of yourself too.

I'm in a town in Regional Victoria. It's got some lakes and nice birds and it's quiet but thats all I like about it. I'm so isolated. I go for a few walks every day though. can't get anything here - no jobs, no work experience/volunteering, can't join any groups, nothing. I've tried everything. I give up.

that's good that Geelong was nice and your beer chook was good, perhaps I'll have to try it one day. I'd like to learn how to cook.

once again thank you for your kind words. I really need it right now because I'm quite depressed, heart broken and in a dark place. I read my report and referral to the local hospital from my Psychiatrist (I do this through Skype and he puts the files up so I can see them on the website). my Doctor doesn't care anymore, about me at all. my Psychiatrist is great and he's never told me he doesn't want to work with me any more but me being the way I am, I'm starting to think that. I just want to do something stupid and burst into tears. he probably just wants to help me himself and have others help but I'm so damn depressed. I can't describe it, I just feel numb and like I want to hurt myself. I can't control these thoughts. I'm so sorry for venting.

I'd love to travel around Australia one day. never been to Perth, not that I know of anyway. for Oz Day, we had a family friend over (my parents friends', Dad's friend mostly) and he was supposed to leave today but he left last night. we went out for pizza for lunch the day he got here and to a cafe for lunch for Oz Day, the usual places we go to. it was alright. other than that, nothing, we had some Lamb Chops on the barbie but I didn't feel like eating so I didn't have any.

your words mean a lot to me and I feel the same way about you and everybody here, so thank you very much. hugs back to all of you and love. you're all very special to me too.

take care everyone.

Tayla x

no problem Simon, it happens so I understand. I'm using a laptop right now but at night I use my iPad, have to go onto Facebook and use the links there because it won't work for some reason on the normal internet on my iPad, on Safari. like the BB website works but when I click log in and put in everything correct it does nothing?

Tayla

Nice to hear from you Tayla,

I’m sorry to hear of your struggles and your loneliness. We’ve all been there, and as we have all discovered, this forum has been a shining light in and otherwise dark existence.

On my good days I travel a bit, I love to visit quieter less touristy places where I can pursue my interests in photography.

What sort of work are you interested in looking for? What voluntary work would you like to do? I’ve volunteered for a while and enjoy putting something back into the community.

We’re always here for you, I get as much out of hearing from you all as I do contributing to this forum. I’m no expert, but having experiencing the ups and downs of depression and anxiety I hope my experiences can help others.

Hugs,

Simon

hey Simon, thanks for replying again.

thank you, I'm sorry everyone here is struggling also. photography is great and it's something I'd like to learn aswell actually. not sure how to start or anything though.

I don't know what I'd like to do as a career. maybe try and be a waitress? I have no skills in that though and it's hard to get hired anywhere let alone in places like that. in high school I did volunteer work at aged care for 2 years and I loved it. but I'm not sure if I'd do that as a career choice because it's a bit triggering and depressing for me, without being harsh. that's because my Grandparents passed away years ago. but everyone was lovely, the elderly and the staff. it was wonderful being there to help them (well in ways we could like playing games etc. we couldn't do certain things like help them out of chairs but that's totally understandable).

other than that, I don't know. I can't seem to find any interests. I have no motivation with anything even cleaning which is wrong I know. I tell myself I need to push myself to do things but I'm in a constant battle of no motivation and other things, sigh.

take care and hugs back,

Tayla x

Hi Tayla, Katy and all

Hope all had a good day. Just thought I’d touch base with all before I settle to bed for hopefully a sound nights sleep (doubt it will happen).

Katy I hope you are going ok. You’ve been quiet but I understand if you’re busy. We all get that way. You’re in my thoughts, and if there’s anything I can do to support you, I’m only a message away. Never think anything is trivial enough to keep from us if you’re in a moment of need.

Tayla, based on the words we shared today, I wish I could reach out to you more. Along with what I said to Katy, no matter how bad you think things are going, I’m here for you girl.

Unfortunately our hands are bound if we want to help each other externally to this forum, but I’m here for you all.

Hugs to everyone here if they still want them,

I’m always here

Simon

hey Simon, thanks for replying again. and thanks for your mind words, they mean a lot just like everything nice anyone has ever said to me on these forums.

I wish I could reach out to everyone else here too, and yes I tried to say something about my location and stuff, but I understand. I wish there was some way to communicate besides these forums with everyone but hey at least we have these. it's probably better moderated in a way if you think about it.

thank you for saying you're always here for me and for the hugs, I'm always here for everybody aswell, and yes the hugs would be lovely so I'll gladly accept them, thanks again. if only we could help each other in person too.

I feel like the youngest here but I've seen a couple of young people on here, some I've replied to, some I'll have to have a look and read their posts. but it's lovely talking to you and others. I'm always here for everyone too, thank you again for your help.

I'm quite scared right now, and anxious. I hope you and everyone else is alright though, everyone is more important and deserving of support and help than I am, believe me.

Tayla x

Hi all on my little thread :)

Just a quick check in. I woke up this morning in tears, having dreamt of my ex. I decided to take Andrew's advice and do some work on helping myself feel better. I did some nice things I enjoy, exercised, listened to some music, focused on the positives, and had a pretty good day.

Hugs, Katy