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Topic: Sad musings

  1. Guest8901
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    29 November 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Hello dear Pepper

    I have been a little neglectful of you recently, for which I offer you my sincere apology. I keep reading your thread every day there is an update, and I figured you were struggling somewhat this past week. But there is always the delightfully elequent and understanding Birdy here supporting you as she does so well, along with ever wonderful Deebi, Grandy and SN. It usually leaves me with little to say and feeling somewhat inadequate.

    But Pepper I have been concerned about you and I am always reading along, silently supporting you, as I do. I am sorry to hear that you are indeed going through a tough time as I suspected you may have been.

    I recall you tend to resort to alcohol under such circumstances. Its not an ideal situation of course, but I totally understand. I used to do that a lot myself when I got really down and when I needed to drown out the constant chatter in my head and that sense of dread I often feel. It really doesnt offer any solutions though, does it? It just leaves you feeling hung over afterwards, and any minor benefit is soon lost.

    Yes, its that combination of factors which usually get the better of us. No one issue or reason, which we can usually deal with in their singular, but that combination of reasons which come raining down upon us from time to time. Are you still undergoing the therapy you were doing earlier this year? And if so, is that one of the factors behind your current rough time I wonder? Would it be worthwhile and/or possible to see your therapist for simply a 'therapeutic chat'? Perhaps skip the other stuff for a while as you deal with everything else closing in on you.

    I hope you manage okay today despite the lack of sleep and the slight hangover. Keep up the water. 🚰🍉

    Sending you my love, care and gratitude for all you do for everyone here. Please take care.

    Amanda 🤗💕👀

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  2. Birdy77
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    29 November 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    My dear friend,

    I'm so sorry you've still been having such a rough time as well. I completely relate (as you know) to turning to the bottle, I have been drowning myself lately, and completely understand how gross you are feeling this morning - I've been there most mornings lately.

    Glad you're re-hydrating; do you have any berocca in the cupboard? Usually helps me. Those hydralyte icy-poles are pretty magical too. Can you have a doona day today to recover?

    What sucks about the alcohol is that we're having a crappy time, so lose ourselves in drink, and then next morning not only are our troubles still there but we have the added problems of our bleary head and seedy body.

    I hope it eases soon, and that you can have a day of being gentle with yourself.

    When I said it sounds like you've had some challenging social situations lately I was referring to what you were describing, maybe a week or so ago, about how you've been speaking up in some of your interactions lately when hearing discriminatory or prejudiced opinions from others.

    Thank you as always for your beautiful words and your loving friendship.

    Be gentle with yourself today. Snuggle under a doona if you can, watch some movies or episodes maybe ... or whatever gives you a rest and some recovery. Thinking of you.

    Love,

    🌻birdy

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  3. Peppermintbach
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    30 November 2018 in reply to Guest8901

    Hi lovely people,

    A grateful thank you for all your support :)

    Lovely Mandy: it’s okay, please don’t even worry about it. There’s no apology needed at all ;)

    Thank you so much for visiting, especially as I know how much you have been struggling...please don’t doubt yourself. Your thoughts are 100% valued by me :)

    I completely agree with you that birdy is indeed very insightful and eloquent, and that Butterfly Wings, DB, Grandy and everyone else also offers incredible support too :) I’m truly blessed...

    The thing is alcohol gives me temporary relief. So in my head, the “benefit” (I say that loosely) far outweighs the consequence (the hangover/how alcohol is a depressant/etc). In other words, I’m almost willing to pay the “price” of a hangover for those moments of relief...

    I think you made an excellent point about how it’s generally not an isolated issue that overwhelms us, but it’s when multiple issues hit home that tests our coping. Yes, I’m still seeing my psych :) I can definitely see why you would suggest that, but I don’t think therapy is necessarily exacerbating anything for me. I’m fortunate to have a fairly attuned psych, for which I’m grateful...

    A loving thank you and your love, care and gratitude is willingly accepted, and reciprocated. Many hugs to you...the super soul type ;) xoxo

    Dear friend/beautiful birdy: Thank you so much for your deeply caring support :) As always, you are truly appreciated here...

    I feel sad, yet there’s a degree of understanding, about how you’ve been waking up to fuzzy thoughts, headaches, etc each morning. I think the thing is sometimes we are willing to pay the “price” for short lived relief. Sigh, it’s a bit of a vicious cycle. One that I know you understand, my friend...

    Thank you so very much. I’ll keep your rehydration advice in mind :) Also thank you for explaining what you meant by the challenging social situations. I get it now ;)

    Sigh, no doona day for me yesterday. Duty calls (also known as my job)...

    I had already spent half the week away from work, nursing hangovers of varying intensity. Yesterday, I forced myself to show up, hangover and all. But surely showing up counts for something, right? Lol.

    How have you been holding up, dear friend? I know you’ve been struggling a lot, and my hand of friendship is always extended. That being said, I also mean it when I say that there’s no need/obligation to share unless you truly want to....

    Comforting hugs from me and much love, my friend...xoxox

    Pepper xoxo

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  4. startingnew
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    3 December 2018

    Hi Peps

    Still sitting with you lovely, How have you been going the past few days?

    Love, hugs and Many butterfly wishes 🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🖤❤💌🖤❤💌🖤❤💌

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  5. Birdy77
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    4 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Dear Friend 😊

    Wow: can I relate ... dragging oneself to work hungover, how many times have I done that? Let me count the ways ...

    ... lost count already ...

    Basically, yes it does count for something, turning up to work: well done!

    How have the last few days been for you?

    The last few days have been a bit better for me, after a really, really lousy time. I lost myself for a bit, drowned in booze and just blah ... but I seem to have been climbing a little bit out of it.

    The build up to xmas though ... kinda makes me want to puke ... just a little bit ... how about you?

    Thinking of you my friend, I do think of you a lot 😊

    🌻birdy

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  6. Peppermintbach
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    5 December 2018

    A grateful thank you to all of you for your support and kindness :)

    Darling Butterfly Wings: Your incredible presence is always cherished :) Thank you for keeping me company and for checking on me. It means a lot, especially when I know you’re going through so much...

    I have been having a rough time so have been somewhat struggling. I did see 3 white butterflies yesterday, which lifted my spirit a little. I haven’t seen many white butterflies lately, so to see 3 yesterday was a special treat :)

    As you know, butterflies always make me think of you sending your love and care...I suppose that’s largely why they make me smile...

    I went to the art thing that I mentioned to you recently. Let’s just say complimentary (free) drinks at events and me are a bad combination. Lol.

    Warm hugs and much love...

    ”Dusk till dawn” xoxox

    Dear friend/beautiful birdy: As always, a huge thank you for your compassion and generous friendship and support :) I know you have also been struggling, yet still reach out to me. A really heartfelt thank you to you too...

    Sigh, being hungover at work isn’t exactly the most pleasant feeling as you would know. But, at least we showed up. Lol!

    I’m very happy to hear that your mood seems to have lifted a little. I know you’ve been in a very rough spot for some time, and I’m truly grateful that things are starting to improve :)

    My hope is that things will continue to improve for you, dear friend. That being said, if there are any setbacks, I think that’s okay too...I feel healing/progress isn’t meant to be linear ;)

    Things have just been rough. Sigh. Keeping myself together at work is a task in itself...trying not to burst into tears suddenly, be “professional”, etc. Lol.

    I recall Xmas is generally a difficult time for you (or am I thinking of someone else?) I think it can evoke such a range of different emotions in different people...

    I have mixed feelings about Xmas. It mainly depends on who I happen to be with at the time. If I like the people I’m with, Xmas is great :) But if I’m being dragged to some obligatory event, then I’m not so keen on Xmas...in short, it mostly depends on the company ;)

    Many hugs to you, my friend. I know I always say this, but I’m truly grateful for you and all that you do to help and support me (and others).

    You’re a real blessing in my life :)

    Much love xoxox

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  7. Birdy77
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    5 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Dear Friend,

    I'm truly sorry to hear things have still been so rough. I am always here quietly listening if you ever want to get anything, even little bits and pieces off your chest. It can help, also to get a different perspective (I know you know this, just reminding you I'm always here, along with all your other friends who love you here).

    It sounds like whatever it is is all getting a bit on top of you right now. Trying to hold yourself together at work when what you really want to do is curl up in a ball and sob is really exhausting. I can understand wanting to "let loose" once you get home. It's extra tiring trying to be professional when you're not functioning on all cylinders, maybe a bit glassy-eyed ... feels like so much hard work.

    Please try to be gentle with yourself right now. It sounds like you have a lot of emotion perhaps needing to be released and held with great love.

    Thinking of you and sending loving vibes to you.

    Oh xmas ... I used to love it! I simply and utterly dread it now. We're going to the "in-laws" this year and it's going to be, painful, annoying, exhausting, anxiety inducing, mayhem and a royal pain in the bottom. Yippee! Deck the halls!! I find it difficult not to feel resentful, a most unattractive quality, but the pure dysfunction and hypocrisy that permeates that household gives me a tummy ache just thinking about it.

    Do you get to choose what you do for Xmas? Like can you spend it with friends if you want to? We'd love to do that, or simply hang out in the backyard with the animals. But we "have to" go to the family. Blurgh.

    Did you enjoy the art thing? I know you enjoyed the drinks!

    Holding your hand with understanding and care ❤

    🌻birdy xo

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  8. demonblaster
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    5 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Our beautiful gentle loved friend Peppystar 🤗 that's a spare hun I think you really need it.

    So sorry hearing you've been struggling so much lately Peps.

    This pain needs out lovey, do you have some fave songs you could ramp up and have a boogie too or sing out loud to some can be a great release.

    Darlin you know we care so much if you do want to talk as our gorgeous Birdy said even in bits can help. Maybe jot it down on paper then throw it across the room.

    You matter and help many dear Peps I'd love to be able to be here for you like you are me lovely lady.

    Sending a lot of love in one of your 🍫 bars that Grandys magnet seemed to attract and always deep friendship and care 🤗💟☘

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  9. startingnew
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    5 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Hi Dear Peps,


    Your often in my thoughts even when im struggling to be here. I have been missing you and it does feel like forever since ive been able to talk to you. Im sorry I havent been here as much for you, but im here now.


    Im sorry your struggling so much, is there something/s that would be helpful for you to talk about? Bursting into tears and being emotional can be really hard to manage. Big big little sister hugs xoxo



    im glad you were able to see 3 butterflies in one day, I havent been seeing many here either but thats not unusual here.


    How was the art thing? Oh dear did you want to talk about what happened at the event?


    Sending lots of caring squishy hugs, love and butterflies


    Dusk till Dawn
    BW xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

    oh and thank you and Birdy and all for your posts on my Not coping thread, i havent gotten back there yet as im using another thread (which your welcome to look at) to try and get myself sorted a little as well.

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  10. Peppermintbach
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    5 December 2018

    Dear friend/ beautiful birdy: Thank you for being here for me :) I appreciate you more than you know...

    Xmas sounds rough for you. Their dysfunction & hypocrisy must be exhausting & frustrating. Hurtful too. I don’t blame you for feeling resentful at all...I have a range of Xmas events in the lead-up to Xmas (+ Xmas day too). Some I’m looking forward to whereas others I’m being dragged to ;) xoxox

    Wonderful DB: Thank you, as always, for your warmth, kindness and generosity :) I appreciate all the suggestions too. Although please don’t tell me you’re trying to pass off choccie from my choccie stash as a present to me? I’m onto you and that choccie magnet...lol xoxo

    Darling BW: your big big little sis hugs are the best :) the art thing went pretty well. Dusk till dawn xoxox

    All: Sigh, I’m just over it. It’s a variety of things, so I can’t state 1 issue & say, “ that’s the problem.” I suppose there’s an underlying feeling of disconnection. Paradoxically, I’m also teary...

    I think that’s partly why I get a lot out of talking to UB; I feel less disconnected when I talk to him. Maybe it’s because he reminds me of parts of myself that I dilute for the sake of diplomacy/peace...

    When I read his words, I often see pieces of myself...that’s rare for me...I recognise parts of myself in his words. Yet others parts of myself, I recognise in your words too, dear birdy...

    That’s not to say that I know him, but at least ideologically, I don’t feel we are that different... though perhaps a key difference would be our communication styles...

    Why am I even talking about UB? I suppose I’m trying to illustrate a point about connection/disconnection....

    Sometimes I feel myself split in 2. My emotions & my intellect. But I feel the 2 work best as a collaborative unit (rather than as 2 disjointed units, which is what is happening).

    I find people usually like 1 or the other. Rarely both. I feel a lot of people find the combination frustrating/difficult/confusing...in other words, people find me difficult, & that hurts.

    As I’ve found that most people find emotional me easier to deal with than thinking me, I water down the latter...

    But what am I then left with? Who am I left with? It’s like I’ve shaved off a large chunk...

    Perhaps it makes me more tolerable to others...

    But not to me...

    Sigh, & I don’t think it’s as simple as that line of just be(ing) myself.i understand the sentiment behind it, but it’s not that straightforward if it means alienating people...

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  11. startingnew
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    6 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Hi Peps,

    That does sound quite tricky to manage esp when its a combination of things. I think i can relate to what your saying about the connection/disconnected feelings. Its really hard to be 'you' or learn more about yourself to form that collaborative unit when others dont seem to come to the table so to speak either. Its a tricky place to be in, one that i hope will change for you as time progresses so that you can become whole rather than split in 2.

    Sending much love and hugs

    xoxox

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  12. Ggrand
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    6 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Hello Dearest gentle Pepper,

    I just called in to listen to your beautiful supporters and dear friends, but I couldnt leave without saying to you my special friend (I hope I can say that)...that I absolutely love the both parts of you, whether they are separate, singular or together...they are all you beautiful lady... love them and you no matter how...unconditional is the only way I know how to love...please don’t change you for anyone...

    Thank you for being the loving kind person you are Peppy.....Um Here you go darling Peppy....ummmm I found this one 🍫 in my 💼 stuck to this really shines piece of metal...😁...

    Love and hugs dear Peppy..💜💜🤗🤗..

    Grandy...

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  13. Birdy77
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    7 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Dear Friend,

    I had a reply in my head ready for you before I hit "reply" (& it was just awesome, believe me 👍), but now it seems to have flown out the window (well actually I'm sitting on my deck, so ... whatevs) ... but I want you to know that I am listening & I care.

    I'm sorry you're feeling disconnected, that can feel lonely & also frustrating?

    I think it's cool that you can see parts of yourself in UB's words, & maybe you also feel less disconnected when you're talking with him because he engages that level of intellectual stimulation which you crave? & which you feel you need to dilute around many of the people in your life?

    In that way, when you converse with him, you're reconnecting with yourself. The discussions you have with him are a path back to you. (?)

    I know you said that it's not as simple as "just be yourself" if it means alienating people. I'm going to sound like a pain, but my question is, why not?

    Why should you disconnect or dilute sections of yourself to make others happier or more comfortable? Why is it your job to make yourself more acceptable to some people? As you said, who are you left with then? It's not Pepper. It's bits of Pepper. Cracked Pepper.

    You have every right to be you, in all your weird & wonderfulness. There's not enough time in life to pretend or give up precious parts of who you are to make yourself less difficult or more tolerable to others.

    It makes me sad to think of these people you want to make more comfortable. They have such a privilege to be around you & have you in their lives, but they want their version of you. That makes me feel that they don't deserve you.

    You deserve to be around people who want to know all your crazy quirks & wild ideas & outrageous dreams. Who want to see your darkness, your fears, your sadness. Who want to hear of your lofty ideals & dreams of saving the world, your plans for incredible creations & your confronting artworks.

    It makes me sad to think you tame yourself for people who are unworthy of that huge sacrifice. It is a sacrifice my dear friend. You're giving up yourself.

    I guess what I really want to say is, does it matter if you alienate these people? If they don't accept all your weirdo, why does it matter if you alienate them? Do you really want them around you in the 1st place?

    Alternatively, they may be affronted at 1st, & then accept you in your wholeness anyway. They may surprise you. Either way, it's not worth losing yourself over other's ideas of you

    🌻birdy

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  14. Guest8901
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    7 December 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Good morning beautiful Pepper,

    I see you've done your usual morning rounds of all your regular threads. Thanks so much for mine too.

    I am really sorry that you are feeling so "over" everything, accompanied with a dose of disconnection and tears.

    Its sounds as though you have always tried (and been very successful) in being all things to everyone. But the core of you (the emotional you and/or the intellectual you) have been sacrificed along the way to accommodate the needs or wants of others.

    Why is it so hard, and even scarey, to just allow ourselves to BE ourself? Does it really matter if we temporarily alienate some people along the way? If you are true to yourself, and be who you really are ... provided that self is acceptable to you and you're comfortable within ... others will accept that person too. If you're comfortable and happy within yourself and confident about who you are, others see that and will learn to accept this new you.

    You just need to be comfortable within, and consistent with the image you project of yourself to others. I want to see the WHOLE Pepper, and not some watered down crushed version presented in an effort to appear more tolerable to others. I want the real thing!

    Others will love you if you learn to love yourself and give yourself permission to be who you are. Some people around you may need time to adjust, but they'll get there. I'm all for compromise, but not at the expense of something as basic as being who you really are. Your well meaning efforts not to alienate others, is alienating you from yourself.

    Birdy - I can only imagine that awesome reply you'd concocted in your head which subsequently flew out the window. If you should ever find it again ... I'd love to read it. But there again, your alternative version was brilliant! Beautifully said.

    Amanda 💕

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  15. Peppermintbach
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    7 December 2018 in reply to startingnew

    Thank you all for the loving words of support (or for reading along, which is great too) :)

    Dear friend/beautiful birdy xoxox and lovely Mandy xoxo, I’ll respond to your absolutely wonderful posts in a separate post as I struggled to try to fit everything in 1 post. I hope that’s okay. For now, I just wanted to express how truly grateful I am for both of you :) My love and affection...

    Darling BW: what a nuanced post. I love what you wrote...yes, you’re right, it is hard to feel whole when I have spent such a long time diluting parts of myself. Thank you so much for understanding the connection/disconnection.

    Offline, I’m fairly adept at reading social cues and subtleties. I tend to reflect what I observe in others whether it’s their use of language, communication style, etc, because it aids understanding. I feel that’s essentially a huge part of emotional intelligence. The ability to gauge and mimic/reflect...

    A comment that I get offline quite frequently is that I’m “perceptive.” I suspect part of of that so-called “perceptiveness” is my ability to act almost like a mirror...

    If person has a brash communication style, I’ll be more brash myself. If a person tends to respond more emotionally, I’ll dial down my analytical side & try to meet them at that level. If a person has a no-nonsense communication style, I’ll withold more emotional elements in communication. Etc, etc.

    It’s not being “fake”,
    but I believe this is a huge part of emotional intelligence/effective communication. For example, it’s the reason why i tend to be more effective at dealing with challenging clients than most of my colleagues (but unfortunately it also means more of those clients end up being palmed off to me).

    But there is a drawback. If you’re so adept it, you can sometimes end up losing parts of yourself...

    Thank you, lovely one. “Dusk till dawn” xoxox

    Gorgeous Grandy: of course it’s okay for you to call in and for you to call me you special friend :) Thank you so much, especially when I know you’re at hospital at the moment.

    Also a huge thank you for your unconditional love. That love reached my heart...

    Although, I’m going to have to have a word with you and DB about this chocolate magnet that you share. Last night’s stocktake showed that we were short...anything to confess? Are you sure it’s only one choccie bar stuck to the metal? Lol ;)

    Sending you potted flowers to make your hospital stay hopefully slightly more pleasant. Hugs and love xoxo

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  16. Peppermintbach
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    8 December 2018

    A grateful thank you to all once again :)

    Dear friend/beautiful birdy: what a poignant and empowering post. A very humble and appreciative thank you for your words.

    I have read it multiple times, and it truly warmed my heart. The time, effort, insight and compassion that you put into your words, I notice and value.

    Like Mandy, if you ever recall what you wanted to write initially, I would be all ears too. That being said, what you posted was absolutely brilliant anyway, dear friend ;)

    You’re right, conversing with UB is a way of reconnecting with myself. As soon as I read some of his writing, especially the later posts, there was an instinctive recognition on my part...I think you and UB remind me of aspects of myself. Some overlap and some are different, but you’re both important :)

    I’m sorry, “cracked pepper” made me laugh. Perhaps that was your intention. Either way, very clever ;)

    I understand what you’re saying, and I’m truly fortunate to have your genuine acceptance of me. Always so encouraging, always so empowering and always so insightful...thank you, dear friend :)

    But, here’s the proverbial but, i still get comments (even with my diluted self). So it makes me worry if people are already complaining about the watered down me, i don’t know how much they’ll be able to tolerate me at “full force.”

    Backhanded compliments/passive aggressive comments e.g. “oh, don’t worry about her. She’s soooo good at everything. She’ll be fine.” I don’t show off or think that I’m “better than” (I’m not), I’m just being some weird, diluted version of me.

    I know it’s not my “job” to make others feel comfortable. Intellectually, I understand this, but emotionally/socially, I’m not quite prepared...

    But what I wanted to say most of all was thank you. Anyone who is able to be your friend is incredibly fortunate. You have so much to offer...more than you realise, dear friend. With love and affection xoxox

    Lovely Mandy: what a powerful post. I love it! I like seeing a bit of spark in you. Then, again I’m a thunderstorm after all, so of course I would say that ;)

    I’m actually, despite how it appears, okay with myself. I don’t love or hate myself. I just “am.” My issue is more about how I’m aware of my impact on others/how I might accidentally make others feel, which makes me hold back a lot...

    Thank you for also encouraging me to be undiluted me. I don’t even 100% know who she is anymore, but I do catch glimpses of her here and there. Out of characters. Love and care xoxo

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  17. demonblaster
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    8 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    You're a beautiful person Peppystar 🤗

    Much love to you and concern, dont like you being unhappy.

    You/we have amazing friends here 🤗💗👋

    🌹👀

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  18. Ggrand
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    8 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Dearest Gentlest Peppy,

    Yep..What Deebi said...Your a beautiful person Peppystar....and beautiful persons..deserve beautiful roses...🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹...13 beautiful roses, because 13 is my favourite number...I hope those 13 roses 🌹 will bring you some peace,...and light in your Comeing days.........I’m sorry that your not doing to well..We all,Love and care for you so much....

    Love and hugs 💜🤗.

    Gandy...

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  19. Peppermintbach
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    9 December 2018 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi lovely people,

    As always, a heartfelt thank you to all of you :)

    Wonderful DB: Yes, we do have some incredible friends here (including you). I’m truly grateful for every one of you.

    Thank you so much for you words of love and support. I felt your words from the depths of you lioness’ heart :)

    Super soul hugs to you and much love xoxo

    Gorgeous Grandy: thank you so much for visiting, especially when I know you’re still at hospital. What a huge heart you have as well...

    The 13 roses brought a smile to my face. Rough day today so the flowers are extra appreciated...I’ll put them in some sort of artsy vase/jar/bottle. Then when they start to wilt. I’ll hang them upside down to dry, and I can keep them forever ;)

    Comforting hugs to you. Love and care xoxo

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  20. startingnew
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    11 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Hi Dear Peps, sorry its taken me so long so come back to you.

    Im glad you resonated with my post, I was hoping I wasnt to off track.
    I get what you mean about being perceptive, ive been told that as well and I seem to hmm adjust? To that person/people which I guess can become quite a pickle when your trying to be 'you' and not like everyone else sort of thing. Yes like loosing yourself instead of working out who you are no matter who your with. I guess most people change how they act depending on who they are with, thats why so many have that unanswered question of 'who am I?'

    How have you been going the past few days? Have you seen any more butterflies?

    Sending much love, hugs and butterflies
    Dusk Till Dawn

    🦋💕🌈💐🖤❤💚💌

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  21. Birdy77
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    11 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Dear Friend,

    Thank you for your beautiful reply.

    Sometimes I wish I could just give you a real hug.

    I am glad you had a laugh as well. The other night my partner (I should conjure up a nickname for her: "my partner" sounds so bland, she's far from that 😊) was setting the table for dinner on the deck and she said "we don't need pepper do we?" And I'm like gasp!!! "how dare you?!" 😉

    I know that you intellectually get what the heck I was saying.

    And I totally get that emotionally and socially you are not quite prepared.

    And yes, part of that is probably to do with your emotional intelligence that you were talking about to SN, and part of it is probably being polite, and maybe part of it is you having played particular roles in your life with different people, and you're in the groove of playing those roles. I think we all do that. Breaking out of those grooves is totally tricky and can cause mayhem.

    Maybe you can do it bit by bit.

    Which is maybe what you're doing here?

    What I am liking, is seeing you talk about it more here, opening up more ... I feel like you're venturing out bit by bit and talking about stuff that is important to you.

    You are so wonderful to everyone on the forums. You tune into their needs and their styles, just as you described you do in real life.

    Reach for your surreal, for your marvellous.

    I'm cheering for you xo

    With my love,

    🌻birdy

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  22. Peppermintbach
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    12 December 2018 in reply to startingnew

    Hi to all of you lovely people :)

    Darling Butterfly Wings: thanks so much for your words, especially when I know how much you’re struggling.

    Yes, I’m with you that being so-called perceptive or adaptable has its good and bad points. I think, when it comes down to it, I’ve always known “who” I am...but for the sake of some semblance of diplomacy and peace, bits and pieces of myself have gradually been eroded over time...

    I feel most like myself when I’m alone. People drain me, or it could simply mean that I’m around people who aren’t a good fit for me (and vice verse)...

    You’re always so compassionate and caring. Thank you...rough week...a lot has happened...

    Gentle hugs and much love...

    ”Dusk till dawn”

    Pepper xoxox

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  23. Birdy77
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    12 December 2018

    Hi Friend,

    I'm having trouble with my posts at the moment.

    I did reply to you but ... I dunno seems to ... vamoose.

    Thinking of you.

    Love

    🌻birdy

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  24. Peppermintbach
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    13 December 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Hi lovely people,

    Thank you all for the support and/or reading along :) You are all very much appreciated ...

    Dear friend/beautiful birdy: I hope that will be resolved...in any case, thank you so much for visiting and thinking of me. That means a lot :)

    I don’t usually write at this hour, but seeing as I’m (unusually) sober tonight, I have to deal with myself. Not always so pleasant. Lol.

    Anyway, thanks again for all the love and support (thank you to everyone else too). Keep being the beautiful person that you are...keep shining that light...

    With love,

    Pepper xoxox

    3 people found this helpful
  25. demonblaster
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    13 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    You've been really struggling lately moreso haven't you Pepstar 🤗

    Just dropping in to tell you I care very much with love beautiful lady.

    Hold on hun there has to be better ahead.

    🤗💗🌹☘✨🍫

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  26. Peppermintbach
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    13 December 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    Hi lovely people,

    As always, I appreciate all of your very caring and thoughtful support :)

    Wonderful DB: your post made me tear up. Thank you for thinking of me, despite everything you’re going through.

    You really do have lioness’ heart :) So much love for us all. Extra soul hugs and free chocolates from me today. Each hug is packed with love.

    Love you xoxo

    Dear friend/beautiful birdy: thank you so much, as always, for making time for me. I know you have your own struggles, yet you still put in so much effort and time to write such compassionate and insightful posts to me (and many others).

    Thank you, my friend :) As I often like to say, I’m truly blessed (and very grateful)...also I would happily accept a hug from you and would like to offer one in return...yes, a real hug would be nice but online will have to do..

    You’re right, sometimes (maybe more so lately), bits and pieces of myself surface. Albeit with some trepidation, every now and then, I bring up things that are important to me...

    Sigh, I think that I’m a lot of work for most people (intellectually, emotionally, artistically...just in general), or I’m a lot of work when I’m given “free reign” (so to speak) at least. I’m a lot to handle (and not necessarily in a good way either), and I know this. That is the message/feedback that I tend to get offline from a lot of people, which then makes me feel bad and guilty...

    Say, if we were to imagine that humans were made up of certain ingredients (not literally of course). It’s as though something went wrong in the production process for me, and I ended up with double the amount of certain ingredients compared to most. Does this make sense?

    On another note, I’ve been thinking about a side project for some time. Zero action has been taken. It’s still a vague idea at the moment. Let’s just say I’ve been inspired by Dr. Jane Goodall’s “roots and shoots” program. I’m sure most of you reading would have heard of her. She’s known internationally for her work with chimpanzees :)

    Also, your anecdote about the pepper and your partner made me smile. Thank you...so you’re after nicknames for your lovely partner? what about Mrs birdy? Ms. birdy? Special Lady? W.O.M.D (Woman Of My Dreams)? Okay, I need to stop because I’m (clearly) terrible at this lol...I’ll leave her nickname to you ;)

    Thank you again for being you, birdy. You bring so much to these forums (to so many of us). You make a difference in my/our lives :)

    With love xoxox

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  27. startingnew
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    13 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Hi Dear Peps,

    I too find people draining but i guess unlike you even when im alone i dont feel like 'me' Still a work in progress there. I guess that is the joys of being a human, even if we know who we are we are adaptable creatures who do so even without realising it like reacting to others emotions or rising to the challange intellectually. It can both build us up or as you said have pieces start to erode away.

    Birdy has touched on some really good points too and i too am glad your opening up as well, youve many friends here willing to help and to listen to what might be happening for you.

    Much love and hugs

    xoxoxoxo

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  28. Birdy77
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    13 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Hello Friend 😊

    I am really happy to hear you opening up a little bit more, even with trepidation.

    The thing is, my lovely friend, you are safe here. You can let go, if you wish, of that load you carry so close to your chest. You are undercover here. You have your hat, sunnies, your fake moustache, your trench coat - you can say whatever is in your heart, if you want to.

    I'm listening.

    Just sitting, listening, hearing.

    That's all.

    And if you don't want to: that's ok.

    I'm just sitting, understanding, getting it.

    If we were all made up of ingredients from a recipe, we'd all have some weird and interesting ratios of this ingredient to that ingredient. You might think you have an über weird combo, but we're probably all weird combos.

    I'm a weird combo, that's definite.

    Also, if you're "too much", then why don't they trot off elsewhere? And hang out with someone who suits their precious sensibilities? Why should you tone down because they can't handle your passion?

    Time to reassess your crowd maybe. I've had to do that a few times over the years. It's hard, but sometimes necessary. Worth it, especially in your 30s.

    I understand feeling drained by people. I often feel that way. But I think, as you said, that it's like that when we spend time around people who don't fit with us. To find people who we can truly just relax and be ourselves, is invigorating, but rare.

    I wonder if you are thinking of becoming involved in the roots and shoots program. After you mentioned it elsewhere I looked it up. It looks awesome!

    Did you know Dr Goodall is doing some talks in Sydney, Melb and and I think Brisbane in May next year? I wonder if you'd like/be able to go to one?

    Hey I meant to remind you that UB mentioned a similar issue about "being oneself" a few weeks ago on the animal thread and sounds like he can relate to being "too much" or that being "himself" doesn't always work out socially. But hey, if we're not ourselves ... what are we doing?

    I am thinking if a name for the awesome mrs birdy. I was thinking maybe something like Chiquita, but I'm not sure yet. Maybe mrs birdy is it (it doesn't really suit her though!). I shall consult with her and get back to you. 😊

    Love you. xo

    🌻birdy

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  29. Peppermintbach
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    13 December 2018

    Hi to all you lovely people,

    Darling Butterfly Wings: Again, I loved your post :) I really like seeing this perceptive and thoughtful side of you surface more. Your gentle wisdom and intelligence makes me smile....thank you for showing this other side of you...

    I liked your comments about how sometimes we reflect what we see subconsciously...I suppose the plus is it’s related to empathy. But the drawback is potential erosion...a delicate balance between the 2.

    Sorry, I forgot to answer your earlier question. I’ve seen quite a few white butterflies this week. Always very comforting to see them :)

    Think of you often. Warm hugs and much love. “Dusk till dawn” xoxox

    Dear friend/beautiful birdy: As always, your understanding and insightful presence is valued and appreciated, my friend. Thank you so much for lending an ear, and for you patience and kindness :)

    Your comment about the weird combos showed your characteristic warmth and humour, and brought a smile to my face. Whatever combo you are, I like it (as I’m sure others do too) :)

    I can see why you would think that, but no, I’m not getting involved in the roots and shoots program. That program has inspired me to want to start my own separate project (from scratch) ;)

    I see a big gap out there to harness a lot of unused potential for bringing about positive change. I have no interest in leading, but what I am interested in is helping future leaders & changemakers...to give them the best possible chance to create whatever the positive change it is that they wish to make. That’s for “them” to determine, not me...

    I have an idea in mind. It’s kind of far fetched, but it’s just an idea at this point...it hasn’t become an action yet in any sense of the word.

    Thank you so much for telling me about those talks. I didn’t know, but I’ll have to look into it now :) That’s very exciting!

    Sigh, I’m with you that it’s hard to find people that we truly feel comfortable around to let loose. I’m still looking for those people in my offline realm...

    I do recall UB’s comment, & to an extent, I get where he’s coming from. But it’s hard...others’ acceptance/understanding & self expression/self determination don’t always go hand-in-hand, or rather, it can be hard to find people who will allow both in us simultaneously...

    I think Chiquita is a very sweet and endearing nickname for your mrs birdy. Yes, please ask for her input ;)

    Thanks again for your warm presence, compassion and listening. Keep shining...With love xoxox

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Birdy77
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    14 December 2018 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Hello Friend,

    That is so exciting about your plans for a new program! I think far fetched dreams are the best, why dream small?! If it doesn't exactly all come to fruition, doesn't matter. It's only those crazy enough to think they can change the world that ever do!

    It sounds like you have some ideas about setting something up, maybe a Foundation or something, and facilitating it. Anyway, it all sounds awesome. Keep dreaming my friend. Dreams can't come true if you don't dream to begin with.

    Dr Goodall is giving talks in Sydney Melbourne and Adelaide (not Brisbane) through the Think Inc collective. That organisation might be right up your alley: thinkinc dot org dot au

    Yes I think UB was pretty much saying exactly what you said. But I think he was saying he does his thing regardless.

    How are you feeling, this second half of the week? Have things calmed down? I hope you are feeling a bit better.

    With love,

    🌻birdy

    2 people found this helpful

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