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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Surviving: Being in a better place

Topic: Surviving: Being in a better place

  1. demonblaster
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    28 August 2017 in reply to Starwolf

    Yeah gambit of emotions lot of realisations thought I was through the worst but more reality smacking lately but hacking

    Love hearing birdies sing Star how lovely to hear so often

    Good u do that meditation

    I'l b back but seems I've reactivated the pinched nerve very painful but not unbearable like b4 but can only sleep on back with mild pain other positions too much pain

    Knocking me about last few mths been solid mentally & physically but gettin there

    Tail end of cold but wasn't too bad

    mentally good atm

    Soz been battling this pain

    Hope u better fully now

    Good ur not unhappy :) v.strong xx

    take Good care rock star :D

  2. Starwolf
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    29 August 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Living with chronic pain is a tough one. It comes with so many limitations...

    Is there anything that can be done to alleviate the pain ? Has your doctor got anything useful to suggest ? Could physio help ? Have you thought of alternative therapy like acupuncture, Bowen therapy etc... ?

    Winter probably doesn't help. I'm glad that it is coming to an end where you are. In the mountains, winter has a very long tail...there's been a drought going on my side of the range so the weather has turned to desert mode. Frozen nights and clear but windswept days.

    Mentally good atm is music to my ears. The fact that you manage to keep a good state of mind in spite of physical pain is remarkable. Credit to your resilience.

    My thoughts are with you, as always.

  3. demonblaster
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    1 September 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Thx & Hi Star :) ditto thoughts

    Sounds cold where you are, be beautiful for stars though I reckon but yikes, chillllyyyy

    Pains still going on moreso when I'm trying to sleep, taking biggies for pain relief prefer not too but ya can hack so much, gunna walk in a tic that stirs up arm, pain goes across shoulder down arm, follows the nerve, biggy.

    Seeing pain specialist in Nov, God expensive, daghhhh, can't afford but can't not either.

    Have been doing excercises to strengthen but too scared atm in case it aggravates more.

    Thanks for support and concern Rock :)

    Take really good care won't you (( good hugs ))
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  4. monkey_magic
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    1 September 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hello everyone,

    Wanted to contribute to this thread surviving, being in a better place because that's how I really feel.

    I want to tell someone, like shout it from a mountain edge or something " I feel good!!!!" Like really good, natural hight good!!! There's a light at the end. I found it, im living it.

    Just had to shout it at ya demonblaster and all. Been through a hard time now I'm out, its great.

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  5. demonblaster
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    2 September 2017 in reply to monkey_magic

    Guest soooo good to hear this thankyou for saying

    Has there been anything particular that u did to get where u are now?

    So Soo happy to hear this great achievement

    keep up great work :)

  6. monkey_magic
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    2 September 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Yay,

    Buying a car, zooming around again and increasing serotonin ( gym work) & shopping spree. So having my car freedom back, working on myself & buying myself things- I've come a long way from where I was. I'm so happy bcas my tiny car is so feul efficient. I'm getting myself on track financially :)

  7. demonblaster
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    3 September 2017 in reply to monkey_magic

    really am happy to hear you're In a better place

    Keep up great work

    Happy to hear anytime how you're goin :)

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  8. demonblaster
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    20 September 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    Ok so popping into BP again, which usually for me is yum highs & occasional blaghhs amongst ups but had mixed yesterday and today so far, some frustration/anger (only in myself not around others) which is unusual for the up side but had social enjoyble time yesday so sorted itself out & walking helped too.

    Had noticeable depression before cycle which could handle but moreso than usual so be interesting to see how it goes other end, with luck not as severe down

    Good thing I've realised since last cycle that the suicidal thoughts are only in the downs of BP which are severe all times, hell but just to what depths so that's giving me a bit of light and reason not to go that path by being aware it's the beast (IT) not how I'm feeling in normal times, so just have to learn to ride the mutts out. I think it's so much harder now, not the severity of the downs but because of losing partner so no distraction and security but it's all about learning to deal and that's what we have to do for survival.

    A good about BP is it passes, takes a few wks or mths at times very deep but then it's so good being ok and back to happy. Ya don't appreciate it unless you have the other side so I guess that's a bonus in a contorted way..

    Still trying to put people & more help in place for the extreme times, it really is too heavy to put on friends Star but really appreciate & taking on board what you said about them wanting to know and have a chance to have been able to maybe help in those times. Now it's down to getting ones that are up to it, so far two aren't.
    Yikes bit emotional atm but ok.
    At least I've got here.

    Mental health are fantastic and have a demanding job with extreme high demand which I understand but they're acute MH so when I've contacted them although they've listened and been great I've felt often like I've been brushed off which is the pits when you're in such a black place.
    Felt same with here and Lifeline, and I get it there's so many people that need them and they don't have a history to save constant going over it all but on saying that I think I should be utilizing here and lifeline more often cause just need to talk and let it out really

    Thx listening and hoping your days are ok at least
  9. startingnew
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    20 September 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    oh ouch! Hmm ive got a slipped disk with degeneration already started that flares up so can emphatise with you. I hope that your able to recover, which I know with deneration it wont however it can be managed through medications and lifestyle changes. Lets hope these specialists can do something for you hey.


    Ahh yes ive heard about bipolar cycles. I dont have bipolar but I have borderline PD. Great big pains in the backside arent they. Pain makes life very unbearable doesnt it and doesnt help with mental health issues, tends to exacerabte it doesnt it.

    my car is finally all fixed from the accident, I still stuggle abit psychologically but at least im able to drive now and im semi ok driving. Still nervous and easily panicked but a lot better than what I was. Ive had one thing after another since then, a week of migraines from it then headaches the next week. Its been ok, just been struck down with a nasty virus that ended up having to be rushed to gp because I couldnt breathe. Im in the remnants of that now but have fluid buidlup in my ears causing earaches and with that come the headaches. And now more bad news from my gp which involves a surgury but ill leave that to my thread. It in the recent posts on the last page . Its ok if your not up for it.
  10. demonblaster
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    21 September 2017 in reply to startingnew
    HOLY SNAPPIN duckwhoops, chooky WOW that's rough darl, never ceases to amaze me how that happens that we get batches in things good and bad. Jeez you poor darlin.
    Where did the car acc injure you? Completely understandable to be jumpy and anxious, it'll lessen in time but will stay with you that's not such a bad thing, more acutely aware aye.

    PD? Personality disorder or disassociation?

    Yeah I've been meaning to get back to your thread but only very recently back here, sometimes check on mobile but very slow and hard typing so I look more than chat. I will get back there though (Y)
    Gunna try and get here more regularly, thought of a couple of working through strategies today & talking with good friend she had a good idea

    It's very rough yes mental Illness, life throws it's rot at times and MI in itself's a hard road. One positive I'm seeing is we can become stronger from it, self learning and building then helping others through

    Yeah the back started bad outs originally when I was about 23 then from 26 on untold very bad outs, apparently I"m going to need eventually a metal rod down spine, oowh goody can't wait (sacastic emote :) (bulging disc/s) arthritis and not sure bout nerve, but once definately, my GOD that took me to another level again on top of max excruciating as you know

    The neck pinched nerve from bulging disc too isn't looking good at all, REALLY not wanting surgery on neck but possibly be needing disc replacement will know more in a couple mths. The first time recently it went that pain too took me to a higher level exceeding 10 on 1-10 scale which is where the bad outs are
    Atm it's not good or neck bugga it on saying that it's trying to slowly recover but flaring up, stupid I gently played a wee bit of cricket ooops, lesson learnt hard way

    Great having the car back, big security and freedom aye

    Thanks for coming in darl nice seeing you around the traps too & getting to know you & other lovelies here :) xx



  11. demonblaster
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    21 September 2017 in reply to solabear
    Ohhh Solar, so so sorry I only just saw this post, page 2. I'm looking for something here and if I saw it I'd reply, hate ignoring people esp when they're giving their time and esp lovely support :)

    Yeah isn't it awful waking up to a cloud of down, I have that when I'm really low too, nothing refreshing about those sleeps, haha re the touch of anxiety for extra fun :D gave a good giggle that one, gotta keep the sense of humor happening, a dear elderly lady once said that when I was nursing and held it, so true, great stress release laughing too

    Your loving dog sounds like great therapy which so often is the case for people, unconditional love Gold aye and yeah definately walking is very stimulating and out amongst it and around people or nature that's pretty hard to beat on Earth, what a beautiful planet we scored

    Yeah I've seen dogs and their doggedness lol if I've got the right word lol telling who really is boss when it's time for an outing

    Take good Care Solar, I've thought about you quite often, hoping your life's still behaving, sooo happy for you

    later lovely tc
  12. demonblaster
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    21 September 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    Surviving

    One of the amazing things that goes on in BP well does for me anyway, it's like a light turns on in your mind it opens up to so much thought and lateral thinking. I've had a couple of PINGS ... ya know when ya have revelations, quite a buzz they are

    So today waiting for bus I was sitting on a letterbox, (thinking about that from the funny side, most letter boxes are fairly small and don't look sitable lol, but nah it's a biggy, nees to be lol) anyway back to point realised I was similtaneously moving feet back & forth as we do when they're hanging and moving the bus fare coins in my hand which made me think we ALL the time are doing things, looking, reading, eating, drinking, moving, talking etc, the brain NEVER stops. So our brains r creating thoughts. If suffering depression or stress if we're not doing much as we know it's alone times that tend to be worse with depression or in quiet times tho we also do need to think to work through it all which people here have and I agree said better probs to work through in the better times and just get through the bad parts.

    So point is the penny dropped why it's good to be busy, I've said it myself to many here but not fully understood till today how to push through what I've had majority of my life which I thought was laziness which yeah but prefer lol a psych saying sounds more like lack of volition, exactly how it is until the mania then it's all happening, doing stuff. Over time I've got a lot of control damn it lol over the highs that EVERYONE wants these trust me. ECSTACY

    So I'm gunna do and talking to a good friend today suggested eg for continuing this art I do that I believe I can succeed with but rare that I get stuck into it but only in mania over several yrs so about 3/4's through finsihing. sounds bit contradicting but how it is. She suggested each day just put an hr in and I said & I'll probably do more and enjoy it more, it's not a passion but there's definately talent no big head
    Also going to implement coming here more regularly, already walking, & couple other things. This'll be mammoth if I can follow through

    Said before & think I'm onto something, in mania what goes on is what people that achieve do, work at stuff, get things done.Thinking it could maybe settle the cycles down cause apparently this brain wants to do that stuff but there's a block, lack of volition. I'll update sometime. HAVE to work hard at that push through the wall

    Thanks for listening :)

  13. Starwolf
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    21 September 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi DB,

    Good to see you navigating the forums and spreading the love around. Also relieved to read your health is on the improve. You've been copping a hard time.

    Ah yeah, those light bulb moments...mine tend to be followed by "why on earth didn't I see this before ?". I agree that doing is a necessary part of being human. That's why we come equipped with bodies, isn't it ?

    Though I have learned over the years to counterbalance doing with non doing, just being. Which is nurturing the spiritual side. A lot more difficult to achieve (via mindfulness and meditation). Finally being able to cancel thoughts, even for short periods of time, came to me as huge relief. A warrior's resting space.

    I believe art nurtures mind, body and soul and helps coordinate all 3. It is good to see you setting goals.

    Getting a move on is not easy if there's physical pain. For this you have my respect and admiration. Talking of getting a move on, I must go. There are things to do around the place that I have been looking at for days...and quickly looked away again. Can't get away with avoidance forever...

    Always good chatting with you.

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  14. startingnew
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    21 September 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi DB
    well.. um that wasnt the reaction I was expecting nor have I heard that said before lol. Where the heck did you come up with that one!
    My car had the mirror knocked off thrown around abit and 2 tyres blown with some scratches. Me a bad case of whiplash and concussion so was in hospital overnight with that then sent home with storng pain relief for the migraines and many gp visits because of the pain. Having the whiplash made the arthritis and the disk issue worse for me too. So not good. Its been uh just over a month or so now and I had to drive the day after I was released from hospital. I have Borderline personality disorder easier to jsu say PD sometimes as BPD can be confused for bipolar as well.
    Dissociation is quite a common thing for me.
    Yes I think the only good thing about MH is that we can learn from it, build resilience and then be able to help others get through it too.
    Good grief that doesnt sound great. I hope thats not for a while yet. Give a new meaning to a rod up your back side now doesnt it!




    Im the same as Star my 'pings' are often why didnt I think of that earlier! Or those ah huh moments!.
    Ahh another art girl here. Love art. One of the things that keep me sane im telling ya.
    Good on you for being so proactive in your physical and emotional health. Both of which are inportant as they both exacerbate each other.


    Yes gettingt hrough that wall is hard but we will be here for you every step of the way
    sending lots of hugs
    xoxox
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  15. demonblaster
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    22 September 2017 in reply to Starwolf

    Hey RockStar (is that ok changing your name? cause I'll NEVER forget you & the wisdom & ongoing support you give and as you know that's the Rock part, I'm eternally grateful to you and without attitude there's very few people I have respect for (like love many and qualities of others but respect nah not for many but you are one xx I'm deeply moved that you said above about respect and admiration.Was gunna say touched instead of moved but we know that lol. Thankyou

    Yeah bit tricky atm with back for walking, I'm trying so hard not to get hooked to the pain heavies but at this stage with the out if I'm gunna walk reluctantly taking them before & today no help but as someone wisely suggested make them shorter walks & it was. I'm terrified of not walking now & losing core strength hence bad outs that are 10 on the scale, this is ranging from 5/7. During had one dose of 10, takes an age of agony to move a few metres but settled quickly with meds and rest in seat phew. In the bads the pains as intense non stop so absolutely definately making a massive positive dif.
    Looks like but hoping not the case I'll suss in a couple of days the arm excercises I've been doing may be exacerbating disc bulge in neck, it's backing off awesome so I'll do em tomoz (haven't for bout 2 days) & see, be mighty hacked off if it is the case, cause that apparently can help with strengthening neck and overall fitness.

    How do you cancel the crap thoughts Rock?

    Yes agree with the "just being" time too. Current exlent psych said once take time out without any distractions, tv, music etc, and it's amazing, must add that to list. Getting excited even just planning it.It'll take a bit of organising which to do daily others how often each wk, time allocated, allowing for spontaneous times etc
    First time maybe in my life feeling positive that I'm going to get stuff done,completed & quicker.
    I started up &organise table tennis (tt) where I live and it's slow cause until soon (list) action only happens in mania. Made my mind up to follow through on this, in BP the ideas flow but easy not to follow thru, but also have found in mania make up my mind on things too. So many plus's with it.

    Sounds right re art, I don't actually love doing it but don't dislike either. Is neat tho creating something nice.

    Meaning to ask, how's health and new job going?

    Be well RockStar (( xx ))

  16. demonblaster
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    22 September 2017 in reply to startingnew

    Hey Starting lol yeah I replaced sh.. with whoop haha the rebel in me has to find ways to still swear, no lady here I'm afraid :D

    Lol rod up the backside, talking of, darling late partner also had Cancer twice in bottom lip and when not if it came back he'd have to have skin from the butt, you can hear the jokes now aye, kiss my Ar.. lmao (pun intended)

    Ahh so your an arty one aye, do you do art or appreciate it. I don't love doing it but nice to create, Calligraphy's my love but even that only intermittently probs in mania too at times but certainly don't dislike and as Star said nourishing for mind body and soul. I think I'll start when doing it daily to enjoy it a lot more and recently lost a younger friend (43yrs) was doing a card for her through heavy BP depression that I couldn't shake but pushed through at times was feeling pressured to get it done cause knew as it did would take longer to get it circulated to bus goers (where we met, love public transporting, around people, new friends, convo or not still good, & became good friends with one of the drivers) & during it several times I felt the calmness and distraction, kinda concentrating, mine's apparently similar to tribal art, designs, a lot of curvy lines so definately will be instrumental for m.health.

    Yeah here yaz about the ping factor aye :D

    Poor thing and aggravating neck nasty stuff, did they give you a collar?
    Migraines are wicked, I get them too but not tho I have once vomiting or hypersensitive to light and noise, so bad but not the worst although early days I'd wake up pounding head like a jackhammer, felt like blood pressure thru roof and that I'd stroke out, thank god that subsided. Poor people that suffer that level.

    In your thread or would you like to or here tell me about PD, (yes would be easy to mix with BP) I'm interested in learning other MI. I think all issues people have should be openly spoken about (aware many aren't comfy to) for understanding hopefully tolerance and support. Understand if not :)

    You asked if I have any threads, thanks btw for coming by :) have another D&M only one person talked for a bit there but no one else yet. But I'll keep dropping in, like bit of depth amongst other chat

    bb-social-zone/d-m-(deep-meaningful)-

    Many thanks for your support hun, really appreciated xx

    you get yourself better

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  17. demonblaster
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    22 September 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    Thx mods, soz for extra work putting link up.

    How do I put it up like you did plz? thx or do I just type it manually?
  18. Just Sara
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    23 September 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hey DB;

    It's late and I need to sleep, but I wanted to talk with you first.

    You've been doing a mighty job on here tonight/this morning, so great work! People benefit from your support so what would we do without you?

    There's one thing you posted a little while ago I'd like to comment on and thought it best to do it here instead of on that thread. You wrote about same sex sexuality as a 'choice'. This isn't the case I'm afraid. It's out of our hands who we fall for and what our biology tells us.

    Please don't feel I'm criticising you as I'm not. I just wanted to address 'choice' with you as I'm sure you didn't mean any harm by it ok.

    I won't go on. An open discussion would be great if you're up to it at some stage hun. I respect and welcome your input.

    Sleep well; I'm going to try again...

    Sez xoxo

  19. demonblaster
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    23 September 2017 in reply to Just Sara
    Jeez we're linked in chooky I was on fb for a while and just came back here cause have felt guilty I haven't been on your thread for yonks tho I'm recently back here and planning to stick around more often and thought literally just as I came back I'll go into Sez's thread and say hi and give you some lurvvvv :D & here you are, ta da....synced

    No offense sweety thanks for speaking so respectfully, I think most things can be said to people if in a respectful way aye. But I didn't at all feel you were having a go xx
    Yes I definately agree majorly with what you're saying but know some people that through childhood abuse from opposite gender have chosen gay, (imo that is but when I remember which often have forgotten to ask I will cause we're on good terms and they know where I'm coming from, no judgement) so I'll keep in mind what you said no grief here but probs will still go with choice but you are right on biological

    Thanks sweet for what you said about my posting, very appreciated as you are too by many (me included greatly) xx

    Cya in a tic on your thread darlin :)
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  20. startingnew
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    23 September 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    Hey DB
    I have to find something to replace the sh. The urges become unbearable and actually case me pain .

    oh goodness! I can imagine the jokes. Poor fello.


    I appreciate and do art. Music, poetry and paintings are the things im drawn to the most. Music- never have my earphones out, I often write poems if I cant think of words to say and I draw as well as just starting to paint. I think these three 'arts' often portray what the words cant or what the mind cant understand but makes sense in these modes.
    Ahh my art 'style' is graphic so can do calligraphy quite well.
    Yes your right art nourishes and also cleanes the mind body and soul, a form of escape. We all need an escape of some sort.


    I had all sorts going on that day and its not the first time I wasnt sure about what was going to happen as when I had my horse riding accident I had no feeling anywhere because I went into that much shock. Ive relaised and spoken about it to my psych about my body respsonses. I freeze, I dont fight or flight. My instincts are to freeze which really doesnt help me. It doesn tmatter the situation I freeze which is why with the accident I couldnt feel anything.
    Im glad you dont suffer migraines, they are truly dreadful, I dont get them muhc I tend to get the tension headcaches which are just as hard to shift.
    The jackhammer, hypersensitivity, and nausea are sounding very familiar.


    So ive just abbreviated the PD for personality disorder as heaps of people were calling bipolar BPD which is more used for borderline personality disorder. You want to know more about BPD?

    ill take a look at your other thread and see if I can contribute anything. Im not sure if I can in this state. Im having trouble keeping up with a lot of threads atm.


    Your support to me is greatly appreciated too. Thats what we do here at BB
  21. demonblaster
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    23 September 2017 in reply to startingnew
    Yeah the sh issues would be major, do you know why you do it, I have a niece with 4 boys, ALL Autistic and at leas 2 ADHD as well. Her sis sent me pics WHOA, thighs, talked to her on msg'r & told her about here, must check in again actually.

    Yeah I lost the darling in 2015, 28yrs, we were happy deep love, it's a gambit of emotions & BP (B.polar) holy s... it's equivalent to heavy grieving in itself on the downs so was double whammys & I'm more than a rapid cycler (more than 4 times a yr, heaps more) but getting there.

    Doc said migraines think cause some go for days, but thank god over those full blown ones. Phooo bad news aye

    Sweet no hurry & if it's too hard all good darl, just get yourself sorted & back to some sense of normal re BPD, I'll hear stuff here around the traps.
    Maybe while you're feeling like this take a load off and just stick to 2 or 3 threads, whatever you can handle without pressure, you don't need more.

    Yes I remember you saying why you abbreviate BPD good sense in that. I use BP for B.polar so I may occ verify. Good you bought that up

    Freezing, is that do you think anxiety, I do that & turn my back instinctively when I'm whooping myself when a dog's charging towards me, haven't been attacked or bitten but fear them till trust sets in, Funny scared of them and have done a LOT of door to door over the yrs, YIKES now that's a challenge lol, anything that you can't reason with really, maybe if pastlives are the case I had bad experience

    Great you've got hobbies in the creative area, yes definately stress needs an outlet. Writing is great too aye, poetry good on you. Very good expressions and I think beneficial too cause of thinking process of feelings

    Graphic style art?

    Thanks for dropping in, next time I'll make you a lovely soothing Cammomile tea, meant to be good for relaxing, better throw some nice chocolate on a plate too aye :)

    Yeah here's amazing I love as can see you too helping people, so often the good one's cop the hardest crap

    Breath darling here for you too. Part of my list plan is to be here more often Yip Yip gunna happen
    ((( peace )))
  22. startingnew
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    23 September 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    Hi DB

    yes my self harm urges are a major drama, ive had to have medical intervention for quite a lot of them. I know some of the reasons I do it but others I dont really know. Its like a craving and its always in the back of my mine. The main reasons I do it though are because of feeling numb, feeling overwhelmed or self hatred- a punishment. My thighs are covered too, its ahrd in the sumemr because its hot and I often wear short that have to go to my knees because otherwise they are visible. When my mums bf came and visited me in hospital he also called me an attention seeker because they were told I was wanting to self harm (they dont know I actually have nor are they going to find out).


    Im really sorry about your loss. I truly am. I lost my nan in 2016 and this year is the first time im really feeling things because I was too busy holding my mother up, lettin my sisters grieve, answering all their hard questions that I really didnt have answers too and keeping my stuff together for my pop. So this year now that things are a lot better for them im starting to feel it in its full brunt.


    I have to limit my threads at the moment. Ive had to leave out 5 threads tofay and thats really hard for me because im usually ok at supporting but there are other memebers there that can help so ill leave it in their hands for a little bit until I get on my feet abit more.


    Yeah so you know the flight, fight freeze response, some people try to run, some people fight, I freeze. Completely freeze which is why during each sexual encounter id just lay there, not being able to move or anything. Im terrified of dogs, a mjor trigger as it was one of my taumas and witnessing one as well.


    Heres one:
    I feel like im fading away
    trudging through the day
    the candle flickers with a dying flame
    when will this end, this game
    but I cant escape




    lonley are the nights
    lonley are the days
    lonley I am in so many ways
    I stare at the ceiling
    my tears roll down but I cant make a sound


    yeah graphi style art. Theres many forms such as realism, surrealism, graphic, just to name a few
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  23. demonblaster
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    23 September 2017 in reply to startingnew
    wow you've got talent poems are fantastic ...really

    And it was good Sez Chooky (Sarah) said it releases endorphines to combat the pain so I've learnt a lot today here and had quite a lot of social interaction in many forms, forums, fb, calls, visitor, msg'r been really good.

    Yes part of my plan the list is going to be allocating time for different things daily instead of when I get outta this BP (Bipolar for anyone reading) through the hell stage that NEVER fails to slam there's totally nothing, love TV but need to do things to achieve, I do get out and about and have kept with walking,excruciating agony 10 on 1-10 pain scale for bad outs so HAVE to keep working on core strength and awesome for endorphine release, helps no end with stress out too

    Yeah I reckon try not to stress about being there for people too much when you're in a bad way, you do really well and support but ya don't need that extra on top & exactly right, there's others too & I bounce around as well so as mentioned will be here more often from now on

    Something I'm working on and going well with for survival is learning to like myself, extreme low self esteem started very young, bout 9ish, beautiful parents but ya know how the depression beast can be & BP damn it goes low and of course good old people being people at times when you're at vulnerable ages, I had 3 at those crucial times but also one of the beasts tools is making us sensitive, anything that pulls us down is usually it's tendrils at work & by god there's a lot but I truly believe we all have strength in us, it gets buried but with time and effort we can pull back up. I tried to end it few times in teens and very close during heaviest times grieving but so glad recently I realised it's the BP downs that are when I want to so that's another rod so I'll see how this low goes, probs in about another wk or so it'll start, had some severe flashes of deep downs amongst the highs this time round, was a mixed episode.
    Mostly goods so far consistent in mania. Magic beyond

    thx for explaining graphic

    Ok sweety oh one more thing I was thinking ...do you like yourself at all? If not baby steps, just think of one thing and keep reiterating.
    You're lovely, support people, care, help, converse, speak with respect, honest, strong wether you see it or not you are, kind. Something helping me is I have a lot of people like/love me so must have the goods aye, you too

    Nigh nite, hope you get some serious zzzz's ((( )))



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  24. Starwolf
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    24 September 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Thank you DB for your kind words. You probably made me blush. You wouldn't have wanted to know me some 30 years ago...when I didn't even want to know myself.

    I had a bit of an inner chuckle reading your and SN' take on dogs. You see, I have been a remedial trainer most of my life (not a new job, DB). It means dealing with those who have been deemed unrehomable and also unworkable. They're often the type people call dangerous. And yes, I was bitten twice (once as a child). Both times my fault. Should have given it more thought before making a move. Since I acknowledged it was my responsibility, not the dogs', it didn't stop me in my tracks. Just made me a little more thoughtful...Doing a lot of security work -where dogs are allowed and motivated to bite- sure brings home why they do and how to avoid being at the receiving end.

    You asked how I cancel thoughts. Easy now but it's been long, patient, hard work. These days, I use the 1.5 hour drive to town to keep up the practice and recharge my inner battery. I just keep noticing everything, moving on from one to the next without dwelling. Gumtree leaning over the road on the left, horse rolling in mud on the right, a look in the rear vision mirror, keeping an eye on both sides of the road for suicidal wildlife, a leaning fence on the right (no dwelling on what may have happened to it), a blue tongue lizard sun baking in the middle of the road, a strip of bark blowing across it... On and on it goes. Pure observation, no thoughts attached. Made easier because of the fast moving pace. I can get into town like that, thought process on hold until I hit the 1st traffic light. Quite relaxing. Should a thought intrude I just notice it and immediately return to details of the landscape.

    A good Sunday to all.

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  25. demonblaster
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    24 September 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Heya RockStar :D always good to see you friend
    Been meaning to say so often I'm not good with words, that wasn't it, its your profile pic It's ... frustrating not being able to express well, classy nah not right word grrr supreme nah,majestic maybe, there's an awe about it dunno if awe's right either. Magnificent PINGggg closer it's amazing

    Thx yeah freaked me out just the thought of dogs let alone when you explained it b4 and since knowing some of your abhorrent history love how it all came about. What a great thing you do, whatta brave thing you do :D Like you taking responsibility for bites as a young.

    Starting to come down & during typing this I jotted a survival post & I hav in it as well as here thanks again to you I was able to pull out of a rapid moving extreme down plummet. I looked around & did what you do on your drive, it's beautiful where I live, wowsie I knew you were out the way, you sure are, I guess too you need that space for the dogs and isn't bush beautiful all that you were saying about, I"m a great lover of trees and appreciate nature and was in the car with you seeing it all as you said it so clearly. I admire people that can articulate well, you're one.

    Oh so did you mean a new job while back as in Dog? maybe

    Star what made you change from before do you think, as in it'd be easy to stay that way, I'm thinking one reason could be that you're such a good person but that's buried when you're like that aye

    I do love the many great qualities of dogs though, love affection and you get that from them but love cats & Awwww kittens....just wanna hold em & watch for ever, beatiful faces cats i reckon. Wouldn't not get a dog though if I lived in a house necessarily Pros and cons to both


    Thx for your time, caring and reply Star, eternal gratitude,

    Check out over the next few days the Bocquet (? sp) thread darl xx
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  26. startingnew
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    24 September 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hey DB


    thanks, ive written many poems. I find if I cant find the right words I write a poem and it makes more sense.
    Yes SH releases endorphins however they only last a few minutes before the regret and guilt come into. Sounds like you had abusy day talking to everyone! Ive got to stay away from social media atm because the SSM is really getting to me.


    I find writing a list of things that need to be done in the day helpful, is that something you do?
    Also finding and working out what coping strategies work for which sort of feeling helps me too.
    If you need any idead ive got a whole thread dedicated to it called 'COPING STRATEGIES' feel free to take a look and add your own in too. Starting to run outta idea.


    Physical pain is excrutiating and affects us both psychologically and physcially. Physically for obvious reasons but mentally because it restricts so many things. So makes us feel worse.


    I know, ive had to step back quite a lot, I dont like it but its necessary otheriwse I have no energy for myself. When I feel up to it or the other main threads are quiet sometimes ill pop into the others and just check in there.


    I havent had much self esteem at all. I think the only time I had self esteem was when I took a troubled horse on that no one said could be fixed and ended up going out to shows and we won grand champion at age 14 and continued on winning a lot of things. I remember someone turning up to a show and looked at me and put their head down. I had to giggle I just thought, im not that good, theres always someone better. I miss those days, I just dont have that fire there letting me to keep doing that anymore. I dont really ride much anymore, its very rare and coming from someone who use to ride everyday its a big change.


    Yes your right, depression doesnt descriminate. It can get to anyone no matter who you are. . I hope that learning to love yourself and findng the things your good at really helps you.
    I reposnded to that question on my thread. Thought it was approprate to what we were talking about there.

    sending lots of hugs

    xoxoxo

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  27. Starwolf
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    24 September 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    OK, I'll let you in on how this profile pic came to be. This is Midnight, the most challenging dog I ever had to work with. I have never felt so tempted to give up on another K9. The bitch (oh yeah !) was hard yakka. Being fully black, she is also a fitting symbol of mental illness. If human, she would have been diagnosed with the whole gamut of mental ill health. And because it ended well...she's also a symbol of victory over it.

    And yes, there was a lot of class under the aggro, manipulation, slyness, wilfulness and sheer bitchiness. It just took a while (and a few nervous breakdowns) to bring it out.

    Foal watch was a temp job. A quick cash making strategy.

    Kudos for stopping a downward dive in time. So, so proud of you ! Your determination and resilience impress me. So much improvement on what you started off with...

    Driving along makes it easy to by-pass thought. A short-cut to mindfulness as everything is quickly left behind, out of sight and new stuff appears in front. The difficulty is in keeping the mind on what's ahead, not behind. And no straying elsewhere. Plenty in the bush to draw attention, so much beauty and quirkiness if one cares to look. Every gumtree different from all others and the light on it all different from one moment to the next. These days, I consider it more interesting than the crap that usually goes on in one's head ! Please don't get me wrong, I'm human so not immune to it. But I find it disruptive, annoying. I now know a lot of it is a whole load of crock. So it's just "aaargh, shut the f---up" and that's the end of it.

    As I wrote recently in Sara's thread, the torturers in my youth were great role models in a quirky way. They were everything I hated and never wanted to become. Definitely reverse psychology at work. I felt along the years how easy it would be to become like them. Then they would have won and this...I couldn't have.

    My core was destroyed, so I decided to leave everything behind and set off to travel the world alone to reconstruct who and what I was. From the foundations up. I relearned how to live and own my thoughts in many different contexts. No longer a puppet attached to strings of the past.

    A peaceful arvo/evening/night to you.

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  28. demonblaster
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    24 September 2017 in reply to startingnew

    Hey Darls (Both) :) thx for replies, read on mobile but I nearly lose my nut trying to answer on phone and I didn't wanna be like this but starting to get impatient waiting for stuff loading mind you in my defense I could die of old age waiting

    When I've successfully dabbled in poetry it's more often in mania the mind opens up. Thought's with such clarity & energy to act on things that usually doesn't happen and yes I'm in process of doing list, might work more on it when I recover form this down which is hitting hard in parts

    Not sure but think may have posted in coping strats or maybe something else along those lines, thx I'll eventually look more although have a bit around here, massive site aye

    Yeah I"m in process of working out how not to put so long into here not that I don't love it cause like/love/blaghh people & very much like helping & of course to vent & work this crap out

    Said to partner once re his poor physical health that in a way as opposed to my mental health his is worse as you say emtionally for so many reasons, vice versa too I imagine would be fairly common is mental health often causes drops in physical as well

    That's rough the SH. Thx talking about it. Wanna understand what people go through & why

    What a mega achievement with the horse and wins, yeah you are something special to do that when everyone else had given up, similar to RockStar with the dog on her pic.

    thx yes starting on liking myself's helping with confidence, terribly long way to go but deep depression is the master at anything that pulls us down, self esteem was rock bottom for yrs, still not great but have confidence in lot of other ways that LOT of people don't so got some happening over the yrs

    When I go back into threads I go from my last post so will see your reply

    Thanks for chat and care :)

    ditto xoxoxox

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  29. demonblaster
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    24 September 2017 in reply to Starwolf
    Hey Rock :)

    I'm coming back tomoz to reply, want to have the time to respond properly. Eyes nearly falling out, read tho, did both of your posts guys from Ph: but yeah hence here on PC, sooo much easier, so grateful. Do love mobiles tho.

    While I think, both you and Starting, I ended up by accident being at the beginning of thread on ph so read again mine and your first response to me Star & Starting about your horseriding accident, I did read and know parts about both of you but have realised and heard recently that BP does affect memory, so does life for that matter. I knew Rock you'd had terrible life but had forgotten details feel bit stink on that cause you've been and are my absolute Rock from day dot this thread & same Starting when you said horse riding accident it started coming back. Anyway I am sincere so not saying stuff for the hell of it and then moving on and forgetting......just the marbles are a bit wobbly :)
    Cause I know definately star I've at times asked things that I would have known if I'd remembered so sorry guys

    Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh given up durry's (fags again, how's this ..gave up in last yr & half roughly bout 5 times without much effort at all, then as soon as mania steps in the cravings go mental, like 2 yrs worth, weird, only thing I can come up with is during mania the brains so pumped and greed wants more of whatever it can get and of course that side of us or the IT (Beast) pulling me down cause step back every time and I seriously can't afford it. Have this time bought 3 pkts, I can & am fighting it definately have been all night but during a bloody BP cycle esp the downs, JEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, I could hurt a little old lady for one :) kidding,love the elderly, well most anyway ( Nursed them for yrs before training)

    SO bloody sigh atm, now the stuffin really really hard part, thanks Star loven you being proud of me :) I know I can do this cause did tonight and been working on also couple other things to avoid going down, had one major cry, outlet at very least.

    More tomoz lovelies, thanks Rock :) Remember you saying somewhere you'd like to have someone hold your hand, I am lot's of different times. xx
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  30. demonblaster
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    25 September 2017 in reply to Starwolf

    RockStar heya :D btw smiled at making you blush. Cute

    Wow Midnight, Xlent name know exactly what you mean about Black & MI. Took yrs to work out why I hate being in dark or dull places, our heads are filled with Black in the extreme lows aye. (suicide yrs for me) Full Kudos for persevering with the dog (bitch) lol & several nervous breakdowns. You're incredibly strong chooky the sh.. you've endured & come out the other side and soz I meant love how it came about (remedial) you'd know anyway but not what u went thru but the one thing that pulled you through and gave you love.
    Yes I read and liked that post on Startings thread about those mongrels that you weren't going to be like.
    I'm beyond in awe of you. Honestly (heart emote)

    Ahh right foal watch

    Peace to you too always Star, perpetual (learning some words :) thanks and deep appreciation

    Next post where this head and bodies at but GOOD some survival in it too

    Are you ok with virtual affection? I can back off if so but probly slip a couple in :)


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