As you can see I agree with Josette, looking at that name makes me sad, and I do not think it is right - so I call you by the initials, I hope you don't mind.
Mary is quite right, the one thing in all the world children really need is a mother's love, the comfort, warmth and security it gives. That is the very best Christmas present, and you give it from your heart - it shows in how you write. Do not worry you have to pause for grief every now and again, a child's love will make allowances.
Passing this year in uni with an anxiety condition is a big achievement. I did exactly the same thing so I know. In fact I tried to use my anxiety to perform better in my studies, because I worried I did more, and it worked. If you can pass 2017 you can pass it all.
There is one thing about some families - they can copy each others faults. You mother concentrates on the wrong things, and so does your aunt. Just because they say much the same sort of things does not make them right! They are wrong, shallow and at the very least thoughtless, more probably unkind or cruel.
Do you mind if I say I admire you? You have shown such strength to continue on with you life and care for your children. Nobody survives a rape without it leaving a great mark on their lives, and it takes expert medical help to start to put it right. The sort of mark it leaves can be feeling worthless, insignificant, of no account. All these feelings are wrong and need to be removed so the real you underneath can live and grow and be happy.
All of us here, me, Mary, Josette and Birdy agree it is time you had medical help again. I can understand feeling hopeless, that nothing would make me better, feeling so bad I did not even want to try. So I understand why you stopped. However when I did get medical help with a doctor, therapist and medications I started to improve, things were no longer hopeless, I was no longer in despair. Now I enjoy life.
When you are by yourself it is very hard to have good judgment, and when you are depressed it is even harder. Here when you talk to us we will tell you the truth, and the truth has promise.
Please keep on talking