I used to self-harm when I was younger and I have started again. I hate myself. I always doubt myself. Even right now I think no one will understand me. My English is bad, I'm so stupid. Nothing really good about me besides my children. I want to to stop the pain I really do but it's hurts everytime I wake. I don't like it anymore. My family is horrible to me why because I'm 35 just starting Uni. My family are all educated and I'm the only one who's stuffed, not good enough. Family supposed to love you not to mess you up. My mother said she wish she aborted me why though? Because I'm not good enough. My boys I'm sorry Mum is really trying but it's too hard. I'm not giving up but I wish someone will just tell me you're OK but knowing my luck I will be forever like this. I hate myself.

Dear Nohopeforme~
First off your English is not bad, your post is fine. It is understandable and well written. You say what you mean and it shows. You are not all all stupid!

Secondly if your kids are good think where they came from – they came from you. So you have to be good too.

Thirdly starting uni as a mature age student is a pretty big thing, something to be proud of.

The pain you feel sounds as if it has been caused by your family – not you. It is a sad fact that if you tell someone often enough they are not good they will come to believe it. This is even more true if it is said by people you respect and love – such as parents.

Your mother was very cruel and selfish to say that horrible thing. I feel sorry for her because she is blind and cannot see the lovely sensitive daughter she has.

If you are put down for a lifetime it has effects. The most common effects are depression and anxiety. I would like to suggest that you go see a doctor. Book a long appointment and tell the doctor everything, how you feel now, how you hate yourself, how you feel you are stuck like this forever –say everything.

Do not forget the self harm , these are important

If you think you might not say things properly then write them down first and share the paper in the consultation. I did this and it was a pretty good way of giving a complete picture. My doctor was pleased I did this.

I have anxiety and bouts of depression and have wanted to kill myself because life was so bad. With the proper medical help I do not feel that way, I enjoy life, even though there are ups and downs.

Self harm because you want the pain to stop is understandable, but not good. You deserve a life with enjoyment and laughter. You deserve to be happy with yourself.

Is there anyone in your life that sticks up for you, cares about you?

Talking to good people makes a big difference – you are no longer alone and you get to realize it is the situation you are in – not you – that is the problem. The emergency numbers you were given in the email you will have received are there to be used – it is to be expected, no hassle.

We here care and do understand. It would be good if you came back and talked some more.

Croix

Hi Croix,

Thank you very much for your reply. I have no one in this world besides my children. I started University 2016 it was a horrible experience for me not because of the teachers and students it because of my severe anxiety. I felt I wasn't good enough at all. I feel I don't deserve it. I'm too stupid to learn. But this year I tried harder. I passed all my subjects. I was seeing my doctor and psychologists and then I stopped. What's the point? The pain won't stop. I'm just bothering my doctor for my stupidity. Christmas is coming and this is the lowest point of my life. I can't even get my children proper gifts this year. Im trying but I'm tired I really am. Im hanging on for my children because I'm hoping one day they'll do better. They won't be like me a useless horrible person. This is my life and I hope my boys do better I really do. Thank you again and have a merry Christmas

Hi again,

I am Mother of 2 beautiful boys. I been in Australia for more than 14 yrs. It was very hard when I came here. My family wasn't supportive at all. My mother used to say that Im useless and if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here. I'm hurting everyday. There are some days that I couldn't get up but I have to.

I have an Aunt, my mother's sister. She was good to me until I start telling her to stop abusing me. Not physically but mentally. She's like my mother but a little bit better. My Auntie likes to compare me with others. Saying like look at your cousin's they are all doctors and you plain nothing. It hurts. It really does. I'm sorry. Thank you again

Dear Nohopeforme,

When people around you say awful, terrible things, like your mother and aunty have, does not mean anything about you at all. It says everything about them.

For them to say those hurtful, cruel things shows what is inside their hearts, not what is inside yours.

You are a credit to yourself because, despite being treated with such cruelty, you have produced 2 beautiful children , and you are a caring and loving mother to them.

On top of that, you have had the courage to start university, and pass your subjects, still while being a mum to your boys. That is an incredible achievement that you can be very proud of.

I hope you can take Croix's very wise advice, and go back to your doctor and psychologist. You are not wasting their time. That is what they are there for, and you are worth it.

Your 2 boys need their Mum. Can you do it for them?

Please keep talking with us.

We care about you.

🌻 birdy

Hi Birdy,

Thank you very much for your reply. To be honest with you I just want to give up right now. I'm in my bedroom crying and I feel horrible because my boys wants me but I can't give at the moment. I don't want to feel like this, my heart is in so much pain I could hardly breathe. I'm not bad I'm really not but why I do have to experience horrible things.. I'm over it. I was raped when I was young. I told a family member recently but they couldn't careless because I am nothing. Sorry I just need to let it out. No one ever been proud of me. None of my family cares. It's a sad life and unfortunately I have to deal with it. I hope my children won't follow my footsteps, I hope they can do better.

Dear NHFM

I am proud of you and so are all those who have written to you. You are intelligent and caring otherwise you would have left your sons. Despite saying your English is poor which I guess is because it's a second language, you are articulate and clear. You express yourself far better than people I have met in my own life.

I am proud of you going to uni. What are you studying? I went to uni in my forties and after the initial nerves I enjoyed myself. I also thought I was not worthwhile. My family did not go to uni so I had the reverse of the comments you had. "Why do you want to go to uni? What's the point. No one else has gone to uni" It was just as demoralising as being told I was stupid which my husband used to say. I asked him a couple of times to proof read an assignment but he thought he should edit it. When I said his proposed changes were not in line with the topic he said, "If you don't want my advice don't ask for it" Well I didn't want his advice and never asked again. Didn't stop him saying it should be his name on the degree because he had done so much work for me. In his dreams. He had no idea.

There are times when we want to give up and I know how it is. Can you return to your psychologist? If you were not getting well why not see someone else. Alternatively, ask your GP for a referral to a psychiatrist. I go to a psychiatrist, have done for several years. She has helped me so much and I shudder to think where I would be without her.

I am so sorry you had that dreadful experience as a child. It's something else you need to talk about with a psychiatrist. These wounds cause problems all our lives unless you are helped to manage it.

Christmas can be a hard time for many people. Please do not blame yourself for not giving your boys. I can't even get my children proper gifts this year. Whatever you give your boys will be enough. They are not looking for expensive gifts, most children do not care about having costly present. It's enough it was given with love.

You also need to understand that talking to your doctor or psychologist is not 'bothering' them. This is their job to listen to you and help you heal. If everyone who was unwell refused to go to the doctor the profession would no long exist. It's the right place for you, please believe this.

In the same way Beyond Blue was set up for people like you and me, a place where we can get help from each other and not feel alone or rejected.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Mary

Hey there!

First of all, I beg to differ when it comes to your name on this forum. There IS in fact hope for you - but bare with me. I understand you're in a terrible place right now so it's hard to believe. But the fact that you have posted on these forums and have bravely spoken about your experiences shows you are resilient. You said your English is bad (which it's absolutely not), but are you a migrant? Because if that's the case, dealing with migration is tough. You have dealt with so much, and you are so brave to be here speaking out. So yes, there is hope. Because where there is strength there is hope, and you are so, so strong.

The most important thing is to stay safe. If you have suicidal thoughts, please contact the beyondblue helpline or lifeline at 13 11 14. If you are very unsafe, never hesitate to call 000.

In regards to more specific advice for your situation, I think the others have said great things. I agree that it is imperative for you to see a mental health professional like a psychiatrist/psychologist. Start at your GP. There are also local community health centres, which provide free health services including psychiatry, so this may be something to chat to your GP about. I'm not a doctor but based on my experience I do think it is a possibility that you may be suffering from mental illness like depression for example, due to your difficult circumstances, your difficult childhood and family. This is something to ask your mental health professional, and if this is the case, therapy and/or medication might help you. Mental illness is an illness, and the pain is so bad for you at the moment but when you seek treatment, I promise they will help treat that.

For now though, a place to start though is not being so hard on yourself. Imagine a friend is going through the exact same situation. What would you tell them? Often it's kinder things than what you tell yourself, and that's because we are always harsher on ourselves. Don't believe the people who put you down. I'd also recommend speaking with them and telling them to just STOP and explain how it's harming you.

I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time. It's like walking in a dark tunnel and you feel like there will never be light. Here we are, on the other side, telling you there is light at the end of the tunnel, but it's so dark for you that it's hard to trust us. But many of us here have walked that dark tunnel and we know there IS a way out, there IS hope.

Josette

Dear NHFM~

As you can see I agree with Josette, looking at that name makes me sad, and I do not think it is right - so I call you by the initials, I hope you don't mind.

Mary is quite right, the one thing in all the world children really need is a mother's love, the comfort, warmth and security it gives. That is the very best Christmas present, and you give it from your heart - it shows in how you write. Do not worry you have to pause for grief every now and again, a child's love will make allowances.

Passing this year in uni with an anxiety condition is a big achievement. I did exactly the same thing so I know. In fact I tried to use my anxiety to perform better in my studies, because I worried I did more, and it worked. If you can pass 2017 you can pass it all.

There is one thing about some families - they can copy each others faults. You mother concentrates on the wrong things, and so does your aunt. Just because they say much the same sort of things does not make them right! They are wrong, shallow and at the very least thoughtless, more probably unkind or cruel.

Do you mind if I say I admire you? You have shown such strength to continue on with you life and care for your children. Nobody survives a rape without it leaving a great mark on their lives, and it takes expert medical help to start to put it right. The sort of mark it leaves can be feeling worthless, insignificant, of no account. All these feelings are wrong and need to be removed so the real you underneath can live and grow and be happy.

All of us here, me, Mary, Josette and Birdy agree it is time you had medical help again. I can understand feeling hopeless, that nothing would make me better, feeling so bad I did not even want to try. So I understand why you stopped. However when I did get medical help with a doctor, therapist and medications I started to improve, things were no longer hopeless, I was no longer in despair. Now I enjoy life.

When you are by yourself it is very hard to have good judgment, and when you are depressed it is even harder. Here when you talk to us we will tell you the truth, and the truth has promise.

Please keep on talking

Croix

Hi Nohopeforme (should be Hopeforme!)

My Mum is a mother to 3 daughters, 55 years old. She immigrated from China has been in Australia for about 24 years now. Your English is much better than hers.

Please stay strong. For yourself and for your children.

My Mum was broken when she found out that Dad was cheating on her - she was hospitalised and everything. She pulled through though because she wanted her daughters to live as smoothly as possible (she's a housewife).

I would be depressed if Mum suicided. Your children are still growing and they need you in their lives, regardless of you thinking no one doesn't.

I'm 20 and I think my Mum is pretty amazing even though she can't speak English properly nor understand my mental health issues. Parents can say nasty stuff, but they don't mean it in the end. My Mum has told me to kill myself PLENTY of times when I was depressed.

My Mum doesn't know how to respond properly to depression and that is most likely what is going on with yours.

As a person that works as a Future Student officer for my University, I can confirm that you are not old at all to study. You are never too old. Yesterday, I sent an offer of admission into our Bachelor of Engineering course to a 50 year old woman.

Fabulous work on passing your units! Keep working hard :) You got this! Stay strong <3

Dearest Nohopeforme, thank you for reaching out and sharing your pain. That means there is hope! There is hope because you can talk about it, you let people know what’s happening in your life and you are open to hear what others have to say. This in itself means that you want change and you are facing the problems directly in the eye. Very brave indeed! You are a caring person who despite the personal difficulties of childhood, migration, parenthood etc you are still doing what you can to make a difference for your own sake and for your children. You still try to improve your quality of life despite of others’ opinions and judgements. My heart aches as I read your story and feel that immense pain of yours. Never stop talking about it. Keeping it in won’t make it go away. Good on you for having the bravery to tell things as they are. As a migrant, as an unwanted child through an unplanned pregnancy being born from a teenage mother and being abused at an early age I can relate in more ways than one. As a single parent too, who has raised my now adult child alone, my heart goes out to you. You’ve made the right step talking in this forum. Have you tried to also get on the ‘chat’ line on this site? Or call? There are caring professionals who would listen to you carefully, won’t judge you, and confidentially and respectfully may be able to guide you to the right direction. Sometimes, all it takes is a word, a call, a minute...It is very difficult to try and disassociate from those who hurt us. To take steps back and see from another perspective. When we have been in abusive environments from early on it is very difficult to get rid of the harmful internalized ideas and opinions of others, to stop ‘hearing their voices’ and playing their tapes in our minds. Professional support and treatment may assist in this process and it takes time but it’s not impossible to finally reach a place where you can believe in your self and your abilities and trust that you are more than good enough. Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to heal. As it takes lots of time to learn certain patterns from others it also takes time to unlearn, and relearn. It seems you are already on the right track just by talking about it.

Dear Nohopeforme,

I completely understand your situation. I've been a similar situation myself and yes, it does hurt when people say mean things to you especially if it comes from someone really close to you but try and block it out. Definitely meet a counsellor / book an appointment and continue the sessions. Keep in mind that you have two amazing kids and YOU brought them up! Hence, they are amazing because of YOU! NEVER forget that!! Give it some time and it'll get better. Just don't give up.

You should be proud of yourself about the fact that you're going to Uni despite having the kind of responsibility and troubles you're facing. We are all very proud of the way you've handled the situation so far and you should be really proud of yourself too. Don't worry about what you're family has to say, focus on yourself and live your life the way you want and do what makes you happy! :) You'll see the difference automatically.

Dear NHFM

I wish you a wonderful 2018, filled with all the things you need.

I am dropping by to see how you are going as we have not heard from you for a few days. How was your Christmas? How are you feeling? I would like to hear from you as I am feeling the same as you described. Maybe we can hold each other upright.

Please write soon.

Mary

Agreed with Mary!

Stay strong, NHFM! x