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Forums / Multicultural experiences / How to deal with unaware racist parents

Topic: How to deal with unaware racist parents

2 posts, 0 answered
  1. Peart
    Peart avatar
    8 posts
    15 April 2019

    I suffer from my clinical depression and anxiety. I came from a quite traditional Asian family. My mom is naive, submissive and co-dependent. My dad is a typical Asian patriarchal male who is misogynistic, close-minded and stubborn. I don't have any respect for him as he has been constantly cheating on my mom with multiple different women, even though my mom has technically given him her entire youth and life so far.

    There are so many things that would trigger me when talking about my parents but I'll try to focus on one thing that has destroyed a bit of the strong mentality I've been trying to build. I have been living with my partner, who is from a different race. My parents, on the surface, have been accepting towards my relationships but my dad has been making racist remarks behind my back about him during our entire relationship. I found out about that pretty early on and got really mad. My mom had to calm me down because I wouldn't talk to my dad for a while. They've been more careful with what they said since then, making sure I don't know about it. Today he was a bit drunk and called me. He demanded to video call me and my partner. I blamed my stupidity for picking up his call. After seeing my partner and me, he started asking embarrassing drunk questions so I cut him off and hung up. He called again and I picked up otherwise he'd caused a lot of drama if I didn't, but I didn't let him talk to my partner. He started making racist remarks about his colour and his country. He praised our heritage and disrespected his background. He asked me if people ever looked at us funny when we went out together because he thought I looked so much better than him. It really upset me and hurt me deeply because I'm so ashamed of the things he's said. I couldn't tell my partner about that because it has upset me so much I wouldn't want to upset him as well. The phone call has completely thrown me off my mood and now I can't focus on finishing a big assignment that's due tomorrow. I don't know how to deal with this because I have serious future plan with my partner and my parents still have to be a part of my life. I can't cut my dad off because my mom wouldn't cut my dad off and I still want her to be a part of my life. Even though she's naive and manipulated by him, she doesn't deserve someone like my dad.

    I know I should just accept that they simply accept the relationship but it's hurtful on the long run, knowing they're just pretending.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    6146 posts
    15 April 2019 in reply to Peart

    Hi, welcome

    The problems you face is not easy to overcome.

    You are an adult and you now have choices you can enforce to proyect your life from the negative influences even from your father.

    I would drift from your dad but remain in contact purely for your mothers benefit. I woud also learn protective methods to stop abuse, for example not accepting video calls, phone calls etc from your father. He burned that bridge, not your fault.

    If he one day shows regret, seek counseling with him.

    Google

    Beyondblue Topic fortress of survival part 2

    TonyWK

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