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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / Humiliated

Topic: Humiliated

16 posts, 0 answered
  1. G12345
    G12345 avatar
    67 posts
    12 December 2020
    I feel emotionally humiliated because of my history of sexual abuse and I sometimes feel like I deserved what happened to me as an innocent child why I wasn't believed is why I blame i don't understand what I did to deserve a life where I don't feel free can anybody relate.
  2. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    12 December 2020 in reply to G12345

    Hello Dear G12345,

    Im deeply sorry that you went through childhood sexual abuse....Like you I also went through it with my eldest brother for 3 years...I was an innocent child and it destroyed my self...terribly..

    One thing that is most important is to stop blaming you..you didn’t ask for it..you couldn’t stop it..and most definitely you didn’t deserve it....There is no reason at all Lovely G12345 that you should feel pain or embarrassment...I understand how hard it is not feel these things...A lovely counsellor help me to to get over all those feeling associated with my childhood sexual abuse...I’m wondering if you are seeing professionals to help you?...Please G12345..if your not I really do urge you to reach out to your GP...for help..so he/she can get some professional help for you..usually a mental health Care Plan, will be started for you...Please try hard to reach out to your GP..for help...

    I went from childhood sexual assault onto DV and sexual assault...I had a full life of it...since my husband has passed away..I have reached out for help to my GP..who was so understanding and started up a mhcp for me....it really does help to talk to a professional about your fears, thoughts, feeling etc....I am still under counselling for DV..and starting to realise..that it was not my fault...I stayed married for 38 years..to afraid to leave him....

    The pain and hurt....embarrassment and shame stays deep in our soul and needs to be released...By talking to a professional who is trained in these sorts of things can be a big help....

    When those horrible thoughts come back to you..Please try to distract them by talking to someone..we have a fantastic 24/7 phone counselling line here..1300 22 4636...there are very caring trained counsellors , that can help you talk through your fears, feeling and thoughts...If you can..lovely G12345..I gently urge you to give them a ring...if you need to...

    Here for you dear G12345, Talk here anytime you feel like it..

    My kindest and most caring thoughts...

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  3. G12345
    G12345 avatar
    67 posts
    12 December 2020 in reply to Ggrand
    I still feel like I deserved it because I let it happen to me
    2 people found this helpful
  4. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    9848 posts
    13 December 2020 in reply to G12345

    Hello G12345,

    You’re not at fault,,lovely G...You are the victim..You are innocent...It’s your abuser who is at fault...

    If a friend of yours came and told you that she was abused when younger...What would you say to her?...

    No one deserves to be sexually abused...

    As you said in your previous post..you were an innocent child...and the abuser knew that and possible that he/she would get away with it....My abuser did..as I wasn’t believed also....I hurt many years believing that it was my fault...How could it be..I didn’t ask to be abused..I was a small child and was not strong enough to stop someone that was much stronger and older then me....

    Please lovely G12345...It took me over 50 years to reach out for help...until I did it kept festering in my soul...Are you able to reach out to your GP..or a close family member or friend? ...

    My kindest and most caring thoughts....always lovely G..

    Grandy..

  5. G12345
    G12345 avatar
    67 posts
    13 December 2020 in reply to Ggrand
    I have a support team a sexual assault consular I see once a month I perhaps needs to tell her how I’m feeling and they can help me I spent 2 years going through the repetitive crime at school until year 9 where I was protected a gang of boys were bullying 5 boys in 1 girl I was protected from them I didn’t understand why they couldn’t protect me from the real criminals I was sent to a mental health service for children and adolescents I was telling others professionals that I was afraid to be alone in the school during break times they are lucky my mental didn’t get so bad that trauma would take over my brain and I no longer would be able to concentrate that happened later
  6. Ggrand
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    9848 posts
    14 December 2020 in reply to G12345

    Hello Dear G12345,

    Thank you for getting back here..

    Yes Please let your Counsellor know how your feeling and thinking..as well as your repetitive thoughts..it’s very important that they know..They only know what you tell them..and can’t properly help you until you can fully open up about how your feeling and thinking...

    I had those repetitive thoughts for a long time..I never got help for my childhood sexual assault....and it stayed with me for over 50 years..Now I’m under a trauma counsellor for CPTSD, due to DV....it came out during a counselling session...Now we are also trying to process the effect it had on me...

    G12345...Please try hard to be completely honest with your thoughts, feeling your going through now..It really is so important for your journey back to wellness ...

    Here for you..if you feel up to posting..

    I hope your next counselling session is helpful for you lively G12345..

    My kindest and most caring thoughts..

    Grandy..

  7. Not_Batman
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    Not_Batman avatar
    459 posts
    14 December 2020 in reply to Ggrand

    G12345 & Grandy.

    if i could jump through the internet and give you a hug, i would. I was moved, and brought to tears by your Story and courage. Nobody should have to endure sexual abuse, DV, or a combination thereof.

    I had a near miss in a situation as a child, but thankfully nothing happened. But i cannot even begin to think of the effects.

    All i can say is, Its not your fault! You did not deserve it!

    Know that there are people out there who do understand, and please reach out to them for assistance.

    Not_Batman

    1 person found this helpful
  8. G12345
    G12345 avatar
    67 posts
    16 December 2020
    I feel like I did something to deserve all this pain and negative attention
    1 person found this helpful
  9. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    9848 posts
    16 December 2020 in reply to G12345

    Dear G12345.

    No way do you deserve the pain and negative attention your thinking off...

    You were an innocent child who was hurt badly by a monster...Who was too young to defend yourself properly...

    G...honey, If you could have stopped them you would have...Please believe us when we say you are not to blame..you did nothing wrong...You did not and never will deserve what happened to you...You deserve to be treated with respect and care regardless of your age...

    Please lovely G12345, don’t blame yourself nor be hard on you...Be as gentle and caring towards you as you can be..

    My kindest and most caring thoughts...

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  10. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    16222 posts
    16 December 2020 in reply to G12345

    Hello G12345, thanks Grandy and Not_Batman for being so attentive with your lovely replies because it's such an awful situation that should never have happened and you certainly did not deserve it, no matter how you look at it, you were taken advantage of.

    Those 'gang of boys' may not have been able to help you, simply because sexual abuse wouldn't happen in front of other people to witness what has happened, but I'm sure they would have done anything to stop it from happening.

    The person who has carried all of this out needs to be punished, and this will only happen once you are able to tell someone, your counsellor or other professionals to begin the healing you so long for and that's a reasonable request.

    No one deserves this and I say this as I have, along with many others a certificate for WWCC (working with children check) which the Victorian Government introduced a checking system to help protect children under 18 years of age from physical or sexual harm.

    Let the courts deal with this person while we hope you come back to us.

    Geoff.

  11. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
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    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    16 December 2020 in reply to G12345

    Dear G12345

    I'm really glad you've found the forums, please open up here. It's a safe and supportive space.

    I'm also very grateful that you have some MH professionals you can share with.
    This is VERY important for your recovery.

    If you're determined to recover you will.

    I can see you beginning to recover in one single word you used... "crime".
    YES this was a crime, one of the vilest imaginable.

    You were a victim of this crime repeated on you.

    This may sound like a simple separation but it's an important one.
    Often victims of SA take responsibility for this crime. Perpetrators groom their victims to make them take responsibility.

    100% responsibility lies with the criminal, 100% of the time and 100% forever.

    Not you.
    You were a child.
    Even if you were an adult and this happened, it would still not be your fault.

    Please KNOW that you are not receiving negative attention.
    You are receiving POSITIVE attention to help heal you for a very negative series of crimes that someone else did.

    Like Grandy, Not_Batman and Geoff, I wish I could hug you right now and cry with you.
    We are all with you in your journey.
    There are people who care!
    Crying is healing.

    The 1800RESPECT Trauma Psychologists have been amazing for me and in turn my family who are trying to recover from extreme abuse and trauma, including the SA of my youngest daughter.

    If you call, you can ask the Counsellor to put you through to a trauma psych ANY TIME of the day or night. 24/7/366.

    Always here for you.

    Take strength from us and those around you by knowing we all really care!

    The only responsibility YOU need to take, is getting as much strength and power and moving forward in your healing journey.

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  12. G12345
    G12345 avatar
    67 posts
    16 December 2020

    Thank you for your kind words I really appreciate this postive support I do feel scared I did a suicide course today I learnt a lot it triggered me a little bit but I felt safe learning about it some more I went walking I sometimes feel scared because of what happened to me and I always feel like it could happen again I scared it will and I’ll feel humiliated all over again

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6620 posts
    16 December 2020 in reply to G12345
    Hey G12345,

    Thank you so much for keeping the community updated on how you've been going, and we're glad to hear that you felt safe during your course today, although did feel triggered at some points. We can hear that this must be really difficult to cope with, and we're so sorry to hear that you've been worried about this happening again. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and as many caring members on the forums have mentioned, there are supports available to you anytime, day or night, to talk through these feelings whenever things are becoming overwhelming. The kind and understanding counsellors at 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732), our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636), and Lifeline (13 11 14) are here for you 24/7 during difficult moments like these, and you can reach out as often as you need.

    Our wonderful community is here for you G12345, and we hope that you keep checking back in to let us know how you're feeling whenever you are ready.
    1 person found this helpful
  14. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    9848 posts
    16 December 2020 in reply to G12345

    Hello G12345,

    I’m also pleased that you felt safe after the course you done today..,That would have taken a lot of courage to do the course.,you are very brave.,and I’m so proud of you...

    Walking is good to clear your mind...I can relate to how you feel scared sometimes walking by yourself....Do you someone you trust that can go walking with you?..A family member, friend or your support worker....

    Talk here anytime lovely G12345....We are here for you when you feel to talk...

    Be gentle and very kind to you dear G..

    My most caring and kindest thoughts...G12345.

    Grandy..

  15. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
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    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    16 December 2020 in reply to G12345

    Hey Gee

    It's amazing you did that Course today and stayed even though you felt triggered.
    I am REALLY impressed!

    It can feel that way when we're alone, the fears can resurface, but over time as we stay safe and even more time passes, we may be more vigilant than others may be when we do things like go for a walk but it will get better for you.

    I promise.

    You're doing all the great things for your recovery.

    I know it's not quite that simple but you're doing all you can, so you can be very proud of yourself just like we are all proud of you too!

    WELL DONE!

    Love EM

  16. G12345
    G12345 avatar
    67 posts
    16 December 2020
    I’m sick of feeling fear and I feel like I bought it on myself as if I’d damage myself my ex girlfriend it’s all her fault I’ll never forgive her she’s a monster and she took my innocence away and freedom gone she now has to follow a set of legal rules regarding me and if she doesn’t she gets in trouble for breaching the protection order

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