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Forums / Relationship and family issues / 55 Years Old And Feel My Life Is Over

Topic: 55 Years Old And Feel My Life Is Over

11 posts, 0 answered
  1. Panicmerchant
    Panicmerchant avatar
    33 posts
    18 July 2021

    I am almost 55 with a 17 year old son. He is addicted to gaming. I have now become addicted to alcohol as the debacles that ensue with his truancy/rubbish reports etc have made me suicidal and alcohol takes the edge off. I won't bore everyone and I can promise you that he has serious consequences. Which fall on deaf ears.

    This is actually about ME. How over the last 17 years since I left his violent useless father I have been crucified on a daily basis. By the ex, his family...but more so by my own SON. Who is incredibly spoilt and entitled. I am besides myself and I have no reason to continue as nothing will change! I begged his father to take him for a week but he took him for one day. I am ill...mentally and physically and I just don't know what to do anymore. Believe me... I have done EVERYTHING recommended/advised...all to no avail. I rang Lifeline on Friday as I was very close to finishing this horrible life . She managed to talk me down. I do not want to die. But I cannot live like this anymore. I have NOTHING to look forward to other than more of the same.

    I just want to sleep all the time as I have nice dreams...well maybe not always nice but they are far more interesting than this one dimension hell I call life. I have zero motivation to do anything. Other than drink as that takes a lot of this away. I almost hope I die from my bad habits as I can't suicide.....

    Anyone else have awful teenagers and no support...? To think of what I went through to have this monster....:( breaks my heart. And yes...I do love him....but I also hate him right now.

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5641 posts
    18 July 2021 in reply to Panicmerchant
    Hey Panicmerchant, 

    Thanks for posting on the Beyond Blue forums. It sounds like you're in a really exhausting situation.

    If you don't have many friends where you are at the moment, we'd suggest joining some local support groups or parent groups. You can find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

    Please remember to reach out when you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through. You're never alone. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
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    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1543 posts
    18 July 2021 in reply to Panicmerchant

    Hi there

    I can feel the anguish of your situation as I remember going through it myself. I was a single mum without support too, and it was a dreadful time. But I got through it and my monster is now 24 and not a monster at all. I had just the one boy, that’s the same with you yeah?

    Parenting teens is incredibly challenging! And you’re doing it on your own. People don’t get what it’s like to be a single parent. You’re doing it all on your own, all of it, trying to figure it out, without a break, ever! I hear you. You’re amazing! You probably don’t feel amazing but you really are.

    I’m glad you rang lifeline. Things can get better. It might not feel that way right now but hang in there. They don’t stay teens forever! I’m here to listen if you want to chat. Katy

    1 person found this helpful
  4. dizzy316
    dizzy316 avatar
    10 posts
    18 July 2021 in reply to Panicmerchant
    I am so sorry that you feel this way :-( Your life is definitely not over and when kids become adults you almost get to start again and start focusing on YOU and what makes YOU happy. Is there any way that you could talk with your son about this and the way it makes you feel? Perhaps go to a doctor together? Children often don't respect that their parents can go through hard times as well. Your son is nearly an adult and so perhaps you can start thinking about what you want YOUR life to look like in 5, 10 years? You have the world in your hands! Do you have a support network? So sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time but this too shall pass, I promise.
    1 person found this helpful
  5. Panicmerchant
    Panicmerchant avatar
    33 posts
    16 September 2021

    Me Again

    Things have deteriorated significantly since my last post. My son has now taken to smashing holes in doors/walls...refusing to go to school; refusing to shower or do anything right at all. Stealing my smokes (which I only bought because his bullshite stresses me out so much). I have had police involved; his useless father....nothing makes one iota of difference to him.

    He then turns around after destroying my life...and asks if I will drive him and his mates to the city at 10 pm to go to an internet cafe. ???  I have sacrificed my entire 'life' for him...just to have him do this?? I am 55 and have serious mental and physical health issues....which I manage and have done since I was 12! Yet...to have him do this makes me want to die. I have no light at the end of the tunnel. I have tried EVERYTHING. Counsellors/shrinks/..threats/bribes/....NOTHING RESONATES WITH HIM.

    I feel totally trapped and bullied by him. His father suggested he stay there for a bit...my son then threatened suicide and ran away. Had police cars and police dogs out looking for him. He is a major manipulator. That debacle did not have one iota of effect on him. He is totally ridiculous; manipulative and blames every damn thing for his inadequacies. Yes that sounds harsh but I have tolerated this  for 17 years. I give him every thing. He throws it back in my face over and over again. He treats me like a total doormat and I am at my absolute wits end.

    I am drinking a lot as a way to deal with it. I know everyone says that is the wrong thing to do. Well...when one tries every damn thing and has no result one gives up. I cannot believe I even went through IVF hell to have him...I wish I had never had him.

     

  6. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
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    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1543 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to Panicmerchant

    Hi there

    So sorry to hear that things have deteriorated since you last posted a couple of months ago. I imagine it’s really hard when it feels like there’s no end in sight. You’ve mentioned that you manage your own mental health, which is great. I am wondering though if you have any professional support? As they may be able to come up with some ideas around how to manage the situation with your son, or possible support services you can contact. Just an idea.

    I also hope you’re able to practice some self care for you, and ring the helplines if you need to. It sounds really stressful and perhaps scary if he’s resorting to damaging the property. Did you find the police helpful at all?

    Katy

    1 person found this helpful
  7. tranzcrybe
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    tranzcrybe avatar
    603 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to Panicmerchant
    Well, your son is older (but no wiser) and will soon be legally (if not emotionally) classified as an adult, and no longer your responsibility. In this respect, I would encourage you to give him a lavish farewell party, a small sum of money to tide him over, and your best wishes for his future happiness in whatever pursuits he so chooses. From there, you can begin to reclaim your life.

    Yes, you are obligated to care for him until such time, since you made choices that proved to be unwise (- perhaps relinquishing much of your authority for fear of lost/reduced affection?) - that is not his fault, if you can follow my drift, but you still have time to simply say no and let the child rage away in petulance (but don't forget to pass on the costs for damages!).

    Was there any legally binding agreement re co parenting arrangements that you might wish to pursue through the courts, or did you inadvertently place this burden upon yourself? The tough news that is always hard to hear, is that your son owes you nothing - it's harsh, unfair, and disgraceful; but only you had the obligation - the rest must come at the behest of the individual.

    Love your son for he will always be, and remember that his frustrations play out from his upbringing and experiences. Time may mellow him to see the bigger picture, but there will surely be much suffering before that eventuates, so feel for his struggles just a little, and hopefully you will find the love you seek and deserve - it is there, but very deeply concealed.
    1 person found this helpful
  8. randomx
    randomx avatar
    2678 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe

    l agree with above, l'd kick him out too at 18, tell him he'll be invited back when he grows up a bit and treats you and everything you do for him with some respect.

    l'd also try to stop doing so much for him or treating him, same reasons that he should hear about. He has to start earning them and start treating you with a bit of respect. l know this sort of thing is gonna cause more trouble and take even more energy for awhile though but l really would start cutting back on it. Shame he won't go to he;s dads , why is that , maybe you or his dad should just kick him out and tell him he has to go live with him or get his own place bc he';s not living with you acting like this any longer.

    Hope you can find some answers anyway.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Panicmerchant
    Panicmerchant avatar
    33 posts
    19 September 2021 in reply to randomx

    Thanks to everyone who responded.

    Later that day his father rang him to tell him he was going to pick him up. I do not know what was said but next thing I know my son has come home with 2 police officers. My son said he rang the police because his Dad rang him and 'threatened to kill him'. I know my ex husband and there is no way he would have said that. My son tried to ruin his own Dad. I told the police that I simply 'cannot bear this anymore and I do not want to be here"; meaning be in this situation . They took it upon themselves to claim I was suicidal and they sent my son to his Grandparents and carted me off to hospital for the night.

    This whole ridiculous episode is all about my son trying to remain here and get the life of Reilly. He has now effectively ruined my one way out (his Dad) and now it is entirely up to me. I simply cannot believe his disgusting attitude! His Dad has now totally wiped his hands of him; which to a degree I can understand but again...I am left alone to deal with this shite!!

    My so called family (who are totally useless) have also said 'we are tired of hearing about it". I only have one person in the entire world who truly cares about me and that is my Aunty. She is 70 and I don't want to bother her as I don't want to bother my son's grandparents. I guess I should be grateful for his grandparents as they have told me they see through him and if it happens again they will come and get him.

    So...that has been the last two days. I am so over it all I cannot express. I barely sleep with worry, anxiety and hot flushes...I do not understand why my so called life is such a toilet.

  10. Panicmerchant
    Panicmerchant avatar
    33 posts
    19 September 2021 in reply to tranzcrybe

    :)

    You are so right about everything. I spoilt him rotten and would do anything to make his life easy and I know he owes me nothing. One thing I have to totally reiterate is that I absolutely love him. I have spoken to him at length after Thursday night and he told me that 'when you lose your shite at me for not going to school etc I think you hate me'. I told him it is the total opposite.

    I am very grateful for your post as it really did resonate with me. Thankyou so much. I KNOW we can sort this out. He is actually a lovely person.

  11. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
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    tranzcrybe avatar
    603 posts
    20 September 2021 in reply to Panicmerchant

    Of course your love is not in question, but you are all suffering and finding individual (equally destructive) coping strategies.
    You need your son's affection, not abuse; and your son needs your support, not trinkets or servitude.
    Sometimes just listening will lead to greater understanding, and talking openly (with a clear head and no agenda) should meet both requirements. Hm, I feel the need to add something here about apples and trees...
    Remember Newton's third law: "any force on an object is met with equal and opposite force". But anyway, keep up the conversations and good things will surely come your way.

    1 person found this helpful

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