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Forums / Relationship and family issues / advice on new relationship

Topic: advice on new relationship

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Maryblue
    Maryblue avatar
    2 posts
    6 July 2021

    Hi everyone

    I'm feeling anxious about a 10m relationship that I am in and i'd love some advice.

    They are a wonderful partner, caring; kind and solid as a rock, and I am extremely happy and we have so much joy together. We agree on so many issues, but we have also come up with some ethical differences that we have found. They believe in abortion however I do not, but they would support me in my choice to keep the child and have committed to be there through it all. They believe they would choose to abort a child for having a suffering medical condition, however I would not do this; although it's important to note that both of us have compassionate reasons for our choices. This makes me concerned about our different world views and how we would navigate it. It's also stressful because I am so happy with this person; and I know that no-one is perfect.

    I would like someone that im on the same page with on this issue, but I also am very much in love the person i'm with and I know that there are always differences in relationships. I also know that we are talking about hypothetical situations that may never even occur. So i'm seeking advice on whether this is in the range of 'normal/navigatable differences' in a relationship' or is this something I should take strongly into consideration when thinking about the future?

  2. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    310 posts
    6 July 2021 in reply to Maryblue

    Hi Maryblue,

    Warm welcomes to the forums! Sorry to hear about your anxiousness in your 10m relationship. It sounds like the two of you are having a wonderful time together, and that the two of you even managed to work out on issues together, which is great sign that the relationship is a healthy one.

    I feel there are a lot of hypothetical situations/discussions that could turn couples spiraling into thinking about the future with their current partner, and the more we think about the future, the more we may start to doubt the relationship with our partners when we're having a great time with them at the moment. The thing is, we can never tell what lies ahead in the future. It is possible that our partner may change their minds later in the future, or you may change your thoughts as well. Your baby in the future may turn out to be healthy and strong as well. It's great to plan ahead, but not all plans will go as according. It's better to enjoy the moment, and trust that when the time comes, both of you will be able to work it out together and come to a decision.

    Unless the difference is a complete deal-breaker, one that makes you feel "I can't go on with this, I can't accept their differences, I'm quitting", then that'd be something to consider about the longevity of your relationship with your partner. Hopefully that helps Maryblue. Happy to chat more.

    Jt

  3. Maryblue
    Maryblue avatar
    2 posts
    6 July 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi Jtjt

    Thank you very much for your response, it was really well explained with the spiralling comment; I think I am an Ace at spiralling personally! I dont think this is a deal breaker for me; only it makes me think about our different world views and then I get concerned. When I say different world views; we see eye to eye on what it means to be good people (caring for family, friends, being reliable, open minded and giving everyone an equal chance). but in this case we disagree on what being good actually looks like - and life decisions dont get much bigger than this. I would love to hear what you and others think is normal to disagree on, and what isnt in a relationship, as I havent witnessed a lot of healthy ones growing up.

    The majority of websites say things like 'disagreements are normal, such as not emptying the dish washer and leaving clothes on the floor,' but I think sounds like small fish, and if that's the only disagreement then you are very lucky. What disagreements count as actual red flags in relationships? Has anyone on here navigated a relationship with a partner with some different views to you and how do you navigate this?

    Thank you so much again

  4. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    310 posts
    7 July 2021 in reply to Maryblue

    Hi Maryblue,

    The human mind is capable of a lot of magical things, so you're not alone when it comes to spiralling. Pardon me for asking, would you be able to clarify what you meant by "disagree on what being good actually looks like"? By being good, do you mean towards each other, or to someone else, or just personal taste in certain events/objects/opinions? I feel the definition of "good" is very subjective, and it's dependent of each individuals personal history and experiences with events. For example, people growing up with potato chips will see it as "good", while those who do not may not see it that way. Even though nutritiously it is not good (with lots of oil and carbs), but because the person had it for a long time, they deem it to be "good" for them.

    It is true that disagreements are normal in a relationship. Whether it's as you said, not emptying the dish washer, or leaving clothes on the floor, it can vary between the small little things, to the very large ones like political stances, or religion. It is up to both of you to decide what are the deal breakers in your relationship, and what are things you can work on.

    I feel the best way to work on this is to verify each other's core values. Not all core values have to align with each other, but a majority of them should, and the rest are things that couples will learn to accept or work together to come to mutual terms. Relationship is both about appreciating a partner's good points, and also accepting their weaknesses with kindness, sympathy, and care. Also, know what are deal-breakers for you in a relationship (what can you accept, and what can you totally not accept). For example, a deal breaker for me is if my partner forces me to become a vegan. It's a deal breaker to me because I'm a heavy meat eater and love eating meat. But if my partner can accept that I'm a meat eater, we can still both be in a relationship with this difference, while also sometimes compromising to spend time together (she can take me to a restaurant that sells meat, and have a vegan dish. Or I can join her with her vegan meals some times).

    Hopefully that helps Maryblue, happy to chat more too.

    Jt

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