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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Estranged from Adult daughters since 2013

Topic: Estranged from Adult daughters since 2013

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Cath58
    Cath58 avatar
    1 posts
    13 May 2021

    I have been estranged/cut off from my two daughters since 2013 after an emotional separation and divorce from their father.
    It was a difficult time for all of us. I thought long and hard before leaving their father and our marriage of 26 years. He was an alcoholic/gambler with a lady 'friend'. The 'lady friend' was the last straw for me, as at times he did not come home. My daughters, at the time of my leaving, were 22 & 25 and living with their partners. I was an emotional mess and had a breakdown.

    I made many errors in the early days that I see now with the passing of time.

    Over the years I have attempted to reconcile through letters, but have been met with a cold wall of silence.
    My early letters were full of apologies, taking the blame etc.. and asking for them to talk to me and explain why they had cut me off with no forewarning or discussion. These letters I had to send via their grandmother (fathers mother) as I had/have no address for them, no phone numbers as they had/have blocked/changed numbers. Blocked me on all social media. Just wiped me completely.

    It is now 8 years and still nothing. The last few years I have sent a card for their birthdays with a simply message, nothing emotive. Things like 'let me know if you would like to have a coffee'. No long stories, no self pity, no trying to explain, nothing along those lines.

    I have heard through one of their cousins, that my daughters are not talking to each. It appears we have all gone separate ways. They have cut themselves off from all of my family as well, just the one cousin has contact with my eldest daughter - but little contact. My eldest married in Oct 2019 and apparently her father did not go and her and her sister had a fight the night before the wedding and she left during the night.

    Such a mess!

    I have done a lot of work with my psychologist and a lot of introspection. I have moved on with my life and now have a wonderful partner of 5 years and strong relationship. I concentrate on that these days.

    My question is, do I just leave them alone even if it means forever, or wait until them reach out to me?

    I feel I am in a loose/loose situation where if I don't try occasionally, they see it as me not caring, if I do try, then I am not respecting their 'boundaries'.

    Appreciate any insight others may be able to provide.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9214 posts
    13 May 2021 in reply to Cath58

    Hi, welcome

    Sorry to hear of your predicament.

    I always have doubts that letter get to their proper place through a third party, so just be aware if and when contact is made you dont get the "I didnt get your letters" answer.

    I

    'm estranged from my youngest daughter (27yo) and the last contact I had with her it was me that broke off permanently. I had the facebook blocks and her changing phone numbers etc to distance herself for 14 years and finally had enough of the games that were hurting me too much. So I understand the pain, oh the empty pain.

    I believe they both know you want them back but chose to live a life without you for whatever reason. If they had doubts they would have made contact. It is not your fault your marriage broke and as adults they should know not to judge harshly. You also dont need to justify your actions. Guilt is a terrible thing to feel. You might need to work on that a bit. Chuck it in the river.

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor-

     

    You can try to find their address by attending the electoral office in your area and there should be a computer there for public use that you can search. I would personally send them both a card with very little in it except some love and hugs and "when you are ready to contact I'll be here" type of thing. No more than that. Like I said if you get into your marriage thing it will be too long winded and it isnt their business. I'd make no more contact as it will seem like you are desperate and harassing them.

    All the best and keep busy.

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety

    TonyWK

  3. golden82
    golden82 avatar
    372 posts
    15 May 2021 in reply to Cath58

    Hi Cath,

    Welcome to the forums. I am sorry to read of your sadness. There is another similar thread/s about cut-off from families that you may like to look at/post in if you like. Hopefully you will feel less alone in this. I am 38yo and mine is the reverse of you ie I have always (frequently and intermittently) for long periods (years) been cut-out by my Mum. It has broken me. She still sends emails every few months promising a new chapter - it is always just cut/copy words with no changes, no actions. It is horrid as it builds up a hope in me. I am trying to learn she is this way and all I can do is move on. I guess if your daughters are the same, as sad and difficult as it is maybe you have to move on too. I don't know. I am stuck - not wanting to move on, but knowing I have to. I hope this helps you in some way. Take care :)

    2 people found this helpful
  4. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    5757 posts
    15 May 2021 in reply to Cath58

    hi and welcome the forums.

    I know of someone in a "similar" position to you... I don't have to recite the tale but the sadness in that story and yours. It is unfortunate your common your story is. If you did a google search for ...

    beyond blue estranged

    you will find similar stories which could give you some ideas and other insights. On the plus side you have been working through this with a psychologist and have a new partner. I think all you can really do is the to keep the front light on (and hope)....at the same time (as it sounds) accept the possibility it might not happen.

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