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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Ex Boyfriend has made me feel very ‘undesirable’

Topic: Ex Boyfriend has made me feel very ‘undesirable’

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    327 posts
    26 August 2021

    Hello there,

    If you haven’t seen my threads before - my ex boyfriend was/is a covert narcissist. I left him a little over six months, almost seven. When I was with him he constantly made me feel really ‘undesirable’ and ‘unsexy’
    Typically he would not do anything, intimately, to satisfy me much. And very rarely if he did he would complain. However he would always tell me how sexy and hot other girls were when they wore white tops without bras, down the street. He was very observant with other people’s physical attributes. Mine, he ignored or disregarded. He would more so pick on my body and make me feel really truly ‘unsexy’ or unloved.

    It still affects me. I don’t crave him anymore. I haven’t craved him, not in a sexual way.. just being in his presences, since the first month I left him. I have not reached out to him and I don’t intend to. He cannot enrich or bring any value to my life. I have just looked back at old times and I feel disgusted in how I allowed him to treat me so badly.

    I just don’t have any interest in any sexual activity. I rarely feel ‘excited’ anymore. Is this a normal feeling after leaving a psychologically abusive relationship? I don’t know if this is just my body reacting to the trauma I went through. I just don’t have any interest in anything, intimately. I am not dating anyone and I have no intentions on dating anyone. Is my body dealing with something subconsciously, that is yet to be resolved?

    PF

    1 person found this helpful
  2. jaz28
    Community Champion
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    jaz28 avatar
    199 posts
    26 August 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hi PsychedelicFur,

    I am sure it is somewhat normal to have these feelings. It is only natural after an experience like that.

    Maybe therapy would be a good option if you haven't already. You can start by seeing your GP.

    Jaz.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    12409 posts
    26 August 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    PF

    i feel your ex has really affected your self confidence and that is a powerful thing.

    I have read other posts of yours and know you realise you are an individual and you need someone who appreciates that.

    I think you are reacting how someone who has been psychologically abused and it will take time and maybe counselling to help you.

    When someone knows our vulnerabilities and plays on them it is bery cruel s and takes time and effort to heal from their words. L

    1 person found this helpful
  4. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    327 posts
    26 August 2021
    Thank you both for the responses. I have an appointment with my psychologist. He wants to talk to about this issue more deeply tomorrow. I feel so strange still ahah
    1 person found this helpful
  5. batticus
    batticus avatar
    61 posts
    27 August 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    I can relate to you PsychedelicFur

    I've left my ex GF of 5 1/2 years who was also a covert narcissist. She had little to no interest in intimacy. She didn't comment on other men being attractive or anything, but she certainly made me feel like something was wrong with me. On the few times we've engaged in intimacy it was all on her terms, and I felt uncomfortable around her. Like I was treading on eggshells.

    Me even wanting intimacy was met with remarks like "you're an animal" or "you're just like ALL men... just want one thing only!". It's not long before you just shut yourself off and give up.

    Now that I'm out of that relationship I don't know how I'm going to go when/if I meet someone else. There's so much damage done. I too feel undesirable. I have so much anxiety around intimacy now, it's going to take a long time to build my sense of self worth up again.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. PsychedelicFur
    PsychedelicFur avatar
    327 posts
    27 August 2021 in reply to batticus

    First and foremost - I appreciate the response you left @Batticus. Thank you for having the courage to share your experiences. Secondly, I am sorry you had to deal with it all. I’m glad it somewhat resonates with you and you feel not as ‘alone’ now. I acknowledge the trauma you are going through and I feel empathy towards that too. I am very much the same. It has affected me in a way that is somewhat unexplainable. It really tampers with your self confidence or esteem. You do just shut yourself off in the relationship when they make you feel ‘not right’ during intimate times. You are so right about that! It’s such a vulnerable time when you are being intimate with someone. And when they shame your body or the things you like then you feel so secluded and lost. I hope you are in a good space and on a healing journey now.
    It’s so difficult to overcome the trauma that you have experienced from your previous relationship. I don’t know if I will ever want another relationship again. After having a covert narcissistic mother and now a narcissistic ex boyfriend in my life, as I said earlier, it affects you in so many unexplainable ways.
    I’m again so sorry you had to go through this.

    thank you for your time.
    Take care, talk soon.
    PF

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Juliet_84
    Valued Contributor
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    Juliet_84 avatar
    570 posts
    2 September 2021 in reply to PsychedelicFur

    Hi Psychedelicfur,

    I am sorry that you have been with a partner who didn’t celebrate you, and instead elected to tear you down in order to try and make him feel better/more secure. I recall from previous posts that you have a very unique style and retro inclinations - you deserve someone who will admire your uniqueness and what you bring to a relationship. But you shouldn’t allow someone’s perception of you shake your foundation, easier said than done when it is someone you love I know. But that is his problem/shortcoming and he will do that with every girl that he is with because the problem stems from his own insecurity.
    After also dealing with an abusive ex, I have developed a good barometer for these type of people, and it is - no one knows you better than yourself, you know your weaknesses, strengths, your values, who you are.. if someone describes you in a way that you don’t recognize, then you need to turn around and walk as fast as you can in the opposite direction. I’m not surprised you have lost all desire for sexual activity - women find that type of mysogynistic behaviour a total turn-off. But the second that a lovely, kind man comes along who would rather celebrate you than hide your light, I assure you it will come back ;)

    1 person found this helpful

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