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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Heartbreak. ***trigger warning

Topic: Heartbreak. ***trigger warning

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. blink--
    blink-- avatar
    16 posts
    9 July 2016
    So for quite a while me and my boyfriends relationship hasn't been very steady. He works a lot and so doesn't see me very much, not long ago I broke up with him because of it but now we're back together. He says he wants to take things slow (not telling his parents about us or taking me to family events etc) and I'm trying so hard to be patient but it's killing me. A lot of the reason he wants to take it slow is because he's upset at me moving on in times when we've broken up but it was so long ago why can't he just forgive me? I'm struggling to be intimate because of things in the past, consensual and non consensual. I just feel so dirty for anyone ever touching me other than him so my self worth is incredibly low and then him needing time before he actually treats me like a proper girlfriend is making it even harder. I'm trying so hard to be patient and understanding so he can heal but I feel like nothing and I deserve nothing but misery. I can't even deal with reality all I do is sleep. I almost feel as if I deserve everything that happened to me because I'm nothing but the girl on the side that you can use and who's answer no doesn't mean anything. We've been together in and off for about 6.5 years I don't know what to do anymore 💔
  2. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9779 posts
    9 July 2016 in reply to blink--

    Hi blink,

    You said "...why can't he just forgive me".

    Everyone is different so he isn't you and his healing time might take longer. Forgiveness is not often just a matter if making a decision, its complex, it often means weighing up emotions, waiting u til he is satisfied you won't repeat any action he disliked and do on. Forgiving you us a personal decision and any pressure from you, I think, will push him further away.

    Also Hus family. The last time you broke off he might have told them his side if the story and even condemned you. Makes it hard to forgive in the short term.

    Your best thing to do is, while waiting for more commitment, is to seek a sport or hobby or the company of other friends to divert your attention.

    Respect his choice for time

    Tony WK

  3. blink--
    blink-- avatar
    16 posts
    9 July 2016 in reply to white knight
    I understand what you're saying it's just hard. He's all I really have I don't work or anything and my best friend lives far from me so I don't really have anyone. Surprisingly I didn't think of finding a hobby to distract myself I'll definitely look into it :)
    1 person found this helpful
  4. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    9 July 2016 in reply to blink--

    Hi Blink,

    From what you have written I am wondering if you have been abused in the past? When you mentioned something about your "NO" not having been listened to, and words to the effect that you only like him to touch you.

    If this is the case, then you may well have issues with trust, self esteem, self worth and image.

    Like Tony mentioned, trying to catch up with other people, finding a hobby, joining a sports group or even volunteer work might help you not be so dependent on your boyfriend.

    Can you look around your area and find something that you might like to become involved in?

    What sort of things did you enjoy doing years ago?

    Do you have family that live close by?

    I hope my words about possible abuse have not hurt or offended you. Abuse can come in many forms, emotional, physical, sexual and mental and even more ways too I guess.

    Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

  5. blink--
    blink-- avatar
    16 posts
    10 July 2016 in reply to Doolhof
    I have been hurt before and at the moment im not dealing with it so well. I did think of a hobby I'd like to take up but I need a job first and with my self worth issues etc it's very hard. I'm really hoping I can over come this soon
    1 person found this helpful
  6. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3268 posts
    10 July 2016 in reply to blink--

    I totally get the issues with not having a job, I'm the same. You can't sell yourself when you think you're crap. I'm working on it all, but I know how difficult it is

    I would suggest volunteering, it's gets you out and about and may help your job search efforts in the future, with references etc.

  7. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9779 posts
    10 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hi blink.

    My wife bought an adult colouring book for $5 at a $2 ship about 18 months ago.

    She hasn't stopped colouring in since.

    It doesn't have to be pricey.

    Its good to hear you have the right attitude.Mrs Dools is right about not being so dependant on your bf.

    You have a lot if spirit which is more valuable than you think. Its like freedom, you only value it when you've lost it.

    Tony WK

  8. GuyIncognito
    GuyIncognito avatar
    21 posts
    11 July 2016 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hi Blink & Music_Freak,

    If I can offer my two cents worth. I'm not working at the moment due to a combo of family issues and my own health. I do, however, volunteer at a community radio station, helping to catalogue and digitise their music collection. I find this immensely helpful and good for me as I get the social interaction I need and the satisfaction of a job well done without the pressure that comes with paid employment. It works for me at this moment in time, volunteering might be something to look into.

    My best wishes and thoughts to you both.

    Guy

  9. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    11 July 2016 in reply to blink--

    Hi Blink,

    Sorry if I brought something up that you are not ready to deal with right now.

    Volunteering has been mentioned a few times here. It is surprising where you can volunteer. I managed to secure three jobs through being a volunteer in different places.

    If you would like to share your ideas on a hobby, some of us might be able to help you realise your aspirations with out it costing too much.

    I do work but only part time due to injury ad illness. My husband has not been employed for a while now, so I certainly understand having to be careful with money, as are a lot of people here.

    I like gardening but can't afford new plants, so I ask friends for cuttings and seedlings. That way I can wander around the garden and be surrounded with memories of friends.

    Tony's idea of colouring books is good, a lot of people do enjoy those. It is also amazing as to what you can find in second hand shops!

    So if you would like to share your ideas, we all might come up with ways to make them achievable. Same goes for everyone else reading this thread.

    Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

  10. blink--
    blink-- avatar
    16 posts
    13 July 2016
    Thanks for the replies everyone they're all very helpful :) I'm getting counselling for my 'hurt' issues and that's another one that stops me going for jobs because I'm scared they'll walk in even tho they live nowhere near me and probably wouldn't even recognise me. It's my birthday Saturday and my Aunty took my shopping the other day and I got an I can't sleep colouring book so I can't wait haha. I'm also thinking of trying watercolour painting you can get all the equipment really cheap at Kmart and I don't think you need to be an artist because it's mostly just colourful little blobs. Me and my boyfriend are doing better but I still want to be independent it's just hard because I can't even face job interviews anymore when I used to go to multiple interviews in a day. Ahh what happened lol
  11. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    31 July 2016 in reply to blink--

    Hi Blink,

    Very Belated Birthday Wishes to you. Hope you had a nice Birthday.

    How is the colouring book going and the art supplies? Have you managed to create any painting yet? I like to splash a bit of paint around, but haven't made the time to do so for ages.

    Hope the counselling is going well for you. It can be tough bringing up hurtful events and then having to deal with them. Emotions and thoughts can be tiring!

    Friday week ago I had a sinus operation. I was scurrying around like a crazy person before the operation trying to get a lot of things sorted. This last week my head has been so dizzy and in a spin from the anaesthetic I think.

    Shortly I am going into the garden for a bit of fresh air. I will rug up as it is rather cold here.

    Have you managed to face a job interview since you last posted?

    Wishing you well, from Mrs. Dools

  12. blink--
    blink-- avatar
    16 posts
    2 August 2016 in reply to Doolhof

    Hey :)

    the crafty side of things went alright but I get over things quite fast so I haven't done them in a couple of weeks. I had a retail interview and didn't get it but I'm back at my regular work (pub) but its only weekends and crappy pay but its a start. I hope youre feeling better, gardening actually sounds nice I've got some stuff I want to plant just waiting for the right weather :)

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