Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Topic: living alone

  1. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    353 posts
    7 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    Hi Rx,

    Hmm, if I may seek some clarification from what you've just said, she's been sending you mixed signals; One day she could go on talking about being together and things in the future, but another day she felt like a relationship is not what she's looking for and talks about ending things (which I assume, hurts you)? And you feel you can't trust her because of her indecisiveness?

    Jt

  2. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    8 February 2022

    Oh yeah all that stuffs through my posts , has been a long time. Unfortunately though we've talked a bout all that a bit but l dunno , she can't see herself atm , she just has too much else to deal with , main reason she is that way..

  3. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    8 February 2022 in reply to CMF

    Hiya cm

    Yeah the Sydney thing is huge on it's own l've lived in NSW before and didn't like it . But in a practicality sense too prices and all , it's not even viable anyway. Although she does have a plan for that, pretty good one too , but again it just wouldn't be my thing either is the only problem.

    Anyway , not good news l'm afraid. We've talked a fair bit this last wk or so and unfortunately l haven't liked what l've been hearing at all. Sadly l just don't think there's anywhere we can go from here. Even just the Sydney thing alone is huge, but there's other stuff too on top of that.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  4. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    9224 posts
    9 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    Hey rx,

    I feel you know what you need to do. Doesn't make it easier though does it.

    Maybe it's time to move on & be free of this. It's draining you, I know. Maybe it all happens this way for a reason, do you could see all the red flags.

    I wish peace & happiness for you. I really do.

    Big hugs

    Cmf

  5. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    9 February 2022 in reply to CMF

    Ah thanks so much CM , monster hugs.

    Sadly she's always been a walking flag. TBH all this stuff was where my hold backs earlier in and not living together too soon were all about and sadly it's all proved right.

    And thanks very much for the wishes, me too. Been tussling with all this so long forget what peace is like.

    Big hug.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  6. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    9 February 2022

    Poss incoming rant.

    l really just don't know how to feel about the last 5 and a bit yrs of my life and what l may have just wasted in a way and at this age. And not only but it has all put me right here to where l am now. l've never really believed in the things happens for a reason, l wish they did- then there'd be light. But life's proven many times to me that they do also just happen, too !

    Yaknow, l see people , always have, and very often when no one else does, even when l was a kid. Well, as beautiful as gf was back being together here in so many wonderful ways, why l hung in there. There were things to, pretty big things if l was right but even if you can see your often not sure if your right until after that's shown itself. Well, despite the huge stuff she's had going on nonetheless, 3 yrs and things l worried about day one, have come out , exactly. We can blame a lot of it on her stuff but honestly just as much on that person l was worried about too. So disappointing, disheartening , upsetting and now 3yrs.

    So what do you take from it, the beautiful and so special times and the knowing the other gorgeous sides of her too, be grateful, or regret the 3yrs.

    Same with the ex l was involved with after divorce but that l do not regret. It was a bit over 2yrs and so not too bad and earlier on too.But far more important was that we saved ea other and showed ea other so much light, so much fun , so much chemistry and soul.We were both at the lowest point of our lives, but then we met. It was a bumpy rd to though with her, we also kinda clashed, but man , the times we had and what it did for us both at a time in life like that.

    That had purpose huge purpose , and it also may've even saved us both too. But l ldk about gf and this 3yrs. Was l a fool for not listening, but like l said, you often don't know if you were right until the proof is revealed later. l might've just been scared , looking for bads . And what would've happened if we did just throw it to the wind 2yrs ago and she moved in and all this time. We might've even been married by now. Would these things have still come out, at 3yrs, 5yrs, 2yrs. l don't know, but l needed to know if l was right or wrong first.

    l loved so much of our time, and things we did and lived and that happened too. Is that enough to say well then, you haven't wasted another 3yrs then have you, or 5 and a bit yrs. l don't know. Once again l won't know until life reveals whatever is next.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  7. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    9 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    Although , that might not be quite right. She's so messed up right now , l still couldn't say into infinity that l was right.

    l could say though going on this last few mths and especially this this last few wks , sadly , it does atm look like l was right. But l'd love to be proven wrong that is for sure. l won't really know for who knows how long though truth be told for sure, the way she's been she could well call in 2 wks undo it all and be asking if she can come down or l can go up, or who knows what else.

    rx

  8. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    10 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    Well, she sent me an email this morning.

    l've just felt from the start one way or another l just couldn't commit to this until we'd had more time. l saw things and felt stuff, l just couldn't pin down what it was. This was before her cases even came up , that was supposedly all done.

    Well , she wanted me to know her crazy hasn't been that her love wasn't and isn't real that's stronger than ever and the thought of not having us and me is making her feel even sicker. Her health and mental states just gotten so bad that she feels she just couldn't cope or give or live as two, be a partner, or fair to me now, she just doesn't have it left. Sais she knows now she's been talking crazy and probably sabotaging but she's just been in such a mess and so scared about everything , not just us.

    l suppose it really doesn't change much , it still isn't working out which was my fear early days for some reason, but at least love was real and it wasn't that. l feel so bad for the state she's in , wish some good would just happen for her in everything she's dealing with, something. It'd pick her up so much.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  9. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    9224 posts
    10 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    Oh rx,

    I really feel for you. I know it's been so up and down.

    The thought of a relationship is probably causing her more pressure & stress. Extra thing to think about.

    I know I'm no help, but you've been heard & I understand.

    Cmf

    1 person found this helpful
  10. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    10 February 2022 in reply to CMF

    Thank you cm my friend , and nah , your wrong you are a huge help. We can't always offer suggestions or help but it's a huge help alone just being there, understanding, isn't it.

    But yeah unfortunately that is it in a nutshell. Atm , this last 12mths actually, she's just had nothing left.

    l appreciated her email, her acknowledgements and explaining things though more than she could know.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    9224 posts
    11 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    Any thoughts on what to do? Do you think if you took the relstionship "pressure" off she would cope better?

    Cmf x

  12. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11073 posts
    11 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    Dear Randomx~

    I always see your posts around, helping others and giving thoughtful responses. I'd like to be able to offer you a little comfort if I could. If I can't at leat you might realise people such as myself, near strangers, appreciate you.

    You have had a relationship that sounds very much as if mental health issues have been close to the forefront all the time. Forgive me if I misunderstand.

    It's natural to be with someone who can understand your troubles and you can understand theirs, and sometimes that works very well.

    However it sounds like you have not had the sort of relationship I would wish on you. Having a partner who you can rely upon and trust, as well as care and love. I don't mean somone in any way dishonest, I mean trust to have your back, to know inside your heart they are always going to be there.

    And if you have issues they deal with them and if they do not you ease their path though life in other ways.

    It can happen. I'm nothing in the least special but have had such a relationship twice. My first partner passed away after 25 years, and my second is still wiht me 20+ years later and still going:)

    Both have had to deal with my PTSD, bouts of depression, anxiety and other matters, even though they did not really understand, and I've supported them in other ways. It can work.

    So please don't give up, you are a wise and caring person with so much to offer another. In just the same way as less desirable things happen for no discernible reason (there I avoided saying "S.... Happens":) so can good things too

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  13. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    11 February 2022 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix , and thanks very much for the thoughts.

    Your a very lucky man by the sounds of things to. But yeah so true and l wouldn't want less myself. Ex w and l were brilliant in all those ways and still are actually and gf is to normally too, even with what she's been going through this last 12mths. She's still incredible with all that first things she'll ask is about me and how l am. She's incredibly loving and caring, knows a lot about MH too. lt's just with what she's been dealing with up home, it's huge, poor things just lost herself a bit, a lot.

    Earlier feelings and of when she's been living here, she's been incredible to really, just mind blowingly caring and considerate, understanding. One reason l couldn't pin down why l had the hesitancy, l finally can see now though it was mainly her situation. l've got very big news on all that actually but we're still just getting over the shock right now so l'll recover first.

    Her on of's this last 6 mths though admittedly have been really frustrating and causing all sorts of doubts. But she's gone through so much and there's a post up there now of when she's explained it all just last wk finally now so that was a really nice surprise.

    l do hope for what you have though, so nice , encouraging to hear to actually. She is very very capable of all that that is for sure and if we do get back to it once all her legals and troubles are sorted , it'd be a dream come true.

    Thanks again for the thoughts .

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  14. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    13 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    Well , we had huge news last Thursday. l haven't even known what to write here bc nothing, nothing , could express it. But her main Court case was over her original granted Visa 8yrs ago to live in Australia, being over turned due to her divorce and ex getting nasty,don't ask, has been over turned again, and her Visa has now been re granted. She can now stay and live in Australia . lt is so huge and everything she has gone through and been fighting for all this time. lt's incredible, so proud of her.

    We had a phone party, Champagne and all.And her, her son and his w sent me flowers and a huge thank you for riding it out and supporting her all this time and through her crap ha, that meant almost as much to me as her getting her Visa back. She's soooo happy and it's been so long, so much.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  15. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    9224 posts
    13 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    OMG. OH WOW!

    rx...that is amazing.Wow...judging by your reaction I'm guessing you're gonna give things another shot?

    I'm really happy you've received this amazing news.

    Huge hugs

    Cmf x

    1 person found this helpful
  16. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    13 February 2022 in reply to CMF

    Ahh cm , thanks so much

    Yep we cried happiness for an hour, with Champagne haha. And l'm sooooo happy for her whatever happens, after everything she's been through. She doesn't even care what happens with the other court case even though it's worth 100s of 1,000s of dollars in her settlement. That ones a walk in the park compared to yrs of Australian immigration.

    Back on track hmmm, wellll, l'm going up to see her in 2wks time andddd, we'll see. There is still the Sydney thing bc of her son and now her gd is and what why she came to Aus in the first place , so it's a huge thing for her after all this.

    So no expectations, but l can't wait to see her even if just to hug her to pieces for hrs, she's earnt it.

    rx

  17. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    13 February 2022 in reply to CMF

    ps, Actually though , she said something really funny tonight.

    Baby instead of spending heaps of dollars sending me flowers tomorrow - Valentines, l'd rather you put the money in the bank towards my ring.

    Cracked me up.

    rx

  18. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    9224 posts
    14 February 2022 in reply to randomx
    Oh wow...she may have big expectations lol
    1 person found this helpful
  19. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    14 February 2022 in reply to CMF

    Ahhh , God knows been such a huge wk for her,she was all tears again this morning, happy and relief tears though, she still can't believe it, me either. But she also knows l don't really wanna live in Sydney soooo, not that that'll slow her down haha.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  20. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    14 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    Today she said Sydney's not really the problem the real problem is she's still not sure if she has the mental health left to be in a relationship.

    l'm not too worried right now it's been such a roller coaster last 12mths l really don't have any expectations she hasn't even had time to soak in the news for real yet. l just wanna go see her for now the Gods willing and we'll see from there.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  21. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    353 posts
    17 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    Heya RX,

    I'm really glad to hear your gf's case was a big win. Congratulations to the both of you :). This is going to give you two more space to be with each other and work on the relationship again. Hope all goes well for the both of you! Whether she feels it's her mental health, or something else that's holding her back from being in the relationship, time will tell and it'll only get better from here on now that her case is shining very bright with victory.

    Jt

    2 people found this helpful
  22. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    19 February 2022

    l had to talk things over with my d bc l want her to have time to think about everything concerned and run any Sydney ideas past her as she'd probably come to just supposing. Not that l'm saying l would but first step is cards on the table. Gf's been so exited about me coming and she's amazingly on one hand but not on the other, come along in leaps and bounds with the stress detox already. You could imagine the release and she's already full steam ahead with ideas.

    Trouble is , things keep coming back to Sydney. No way l could expect her to travel up 4 or 5 times a yr from here seeing her kids or to cut back seeing them to only once or twice a yr again now. lt just wouldn't be fair on her or them as they've re'found their relationship now with her being up there and so close this 13mths and of course that means the world to her. Especially with the new baby now and her residency fixed, you could just imagine.

    She's come up with a plan/idea that if l sold here we could actually live there without spending anymore- can't talk about it here but it's brilliant and we'd come out of it with heaps in the bank and still be pretty well sitting pretty.

    But would l want the lifestyle and Sydney, well , not really. My d agrees and although she'd actually like the change says she just couldn't see me being happy. l'm fairly adaptable l've lived many ways and l've lived that way for 30yrs too here in Vic but Sydney, couldn't get more apposing to what l had planned if l do sell this place.

    Anywayyyy , we can't wait butttttt, unfortunately there'll be some very big decisions to be made later though whichever way l cut it.

    rx

    2 people found this helpful
  23. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    9224 posts
    20 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    Yeah,

    It's a big move/decision. Is there anywhere in between where you'd both be happy & closer to both families?

    Cmf

    1 person found this helpful
  24. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    20 February 2022 in reply to CMF

    Yeah true , probably all just crazy bc at the end of the day l'd really just rather stay out of NSW tbh, l like Vic and it's much easier too. Butttt, we'll see ea other again at least for now first , and l'll come home later and we see l suppose. Still can't feel anyone else in my life as in the future and that probably means we'll figure something out butttt, who knows.l could be wrong.

    We've just talked a few hrs on the ph , soooo nice. She's already more and more just coming back to her old self , so proud of her. lt's hard to believe to where she was only 2wks ago mentally, stress and life at the time. l knew she'd bounce back like this that's how she works, even though she doesn't realize it herself haha.

  25. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    9224 posts
    20 February 2022 in reply to randomx
    I'm so happy for you 🙂
    1 person found this helpful
  26. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    20 February 2022 in reply to CMF

    Ah thanks cm , much appreciated.

    Tbh though l don't know if l'm just being silly here or what, l do know we just need to see ea other again though and take it from there first There's probably a happy compromise somewhere in between as you say and if we're going any further from there we'll find that later.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  27. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    9224 posts
    25 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    Hey rx,

    How's things? When is your trip?

  28. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    25 February 2022 in reply to CMF

    Hmmmm, sadly it's become complicated. There's two things. And l feel sick to the stomach and selfish to the core even thinking about it right now. You see, she's part Russian/Ukrainian , she has some family in Ukraine and her sons dad moved to Ukraine , so you could just imagine what they're going through right now. Man, what a wk for that poor country and people , and gf and her son. l dunno how much more she's suppose to take. So it was suppose to be this wk , butttttt.

    rx

  29. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    25 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    Trouble is, being there might help but she has a bit to organize first if l'm coming sooooo, we'll just see for now.

    1 person found this helpful
  30. randomx
    randomx avatar
    3349 posts
    26 February 2022 in reply to randomx

    We've both done a lot better today, staying away from news completely. Says she's hardly thought about back there in 20yrs but it's not easy nonetheless though, she wants to get on with things.

    Anyway we talked a lot today still wants me to come and she's so exited, me to, so maybe it's helping.She's coming up with her usual 50 ideas for everything, l think it's good right now actually and as usual we've just echoed ea others thought on everything to the exact. So, atm still going and we'll see after that, Praying there's no calls from Europe meantime but this excitement might actually help carry her through l'm hoping if there is so, we see.

    rx

    3 people found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up