So I have been with my partner for just over 7 years. We have been through a LOT.
He has left me twice in the past. I've never really called it off on him.
the first 4-5 years together we were happy and mostly everything was good. In 2018 he started using an illicit drug heavily. We had all types of people coming to our house because of this and I would get sick of it and go off at him, which would create a big argument. I hated him profusely for bringing it into our lives and it made me quite bitter towards him.
He eventually stopped doing this over time and last year wound up in jail for a short period for other offences.
I am not innocent either, I cheated on him ONCE and admitted it, it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Even though he apparently forgave me this, it always get bought up and held over my head and always get used so he can call me a liar.
I am getting to a point with all of this so please keep reading. When we argue it becomes very explosive, he will smash things, threaten me with violence and scream in my face. I'm more just verbally loud when we argue.
Anyway the thing is I do care about him and I do love him. I'm NOT in love with him anymore and I don't think I have been for well over a year.
I feel extremely guilty at the thought of ending it. He literally has nobody else. He doesn't speak to family at all. He has a few friends but they mostly use him for things and don't care about his personal life. He has tried to kill himself before because of his depression, he said he pictured me finding him and i was the one reason he didn't do it. But I don't know if I can keep going like this.
Anytime I try to suggest a break or break up, he goes full scale argument crazy mode, makes me feel like s**t to the point where I just apologise and shut up so it stops it.
Any advice on what to do would be appreciated. I am so lost and so tired.