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Forums / Relationship and family issues / My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me, I have no friends to talk to.

Topic: My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me, I have no friends to talk to.

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. AnthonyS
    AnthonyS avatar
    4 posts
    1 May 2014

    Hi I'm new to the forums,

    My ex has broken up with me yesterday. We have dated since I was 17 and now I'm 21 and the relationship is over. 

    She left me because our relationship has been a little rocky and she found herself attracted to someone else. The break up was respectful and I respect her for breaking it off with me before she "did anything" with him. (I believe her because I still feel that I can trust her). I know there is no way to be back with her.

    I understand that some may view this as just a highschool heartache and that the relationship isn't serious.

    But from 17-21 we changed together so much. It was those years where I really transitioned from being a kid to an adult. I feel that everything about me and the things I enjoy are linked closely to her, we did everything together.

    I neglected spending time with my friends while I was with her and now that she is gone I have no one to talk to about how I feel.

    I have deleted her from everything, I have thrown out all the pictures but literally everything in my room I got while I was with her. I look at everything in my room and for some reason my brain can recall all the moments I shared with her with that said item. 

    I want to move on but I always have an urge to pick up with phone and call her. I cant stop crying. 

    I'm in university and the subjects are hard and depressing. I'm also doing a shitty unpaid 8.30-5.30 internship two days a week.

    I spend my week hating this **** and would have 1 day off to look forward to seeing my only friend, my girlfriend.

    Now that she is gone, I don't know how I will cope. What should I do?


  2. Nige_S_E
    Nige_S_E avatar
    7 posts
    12 May 2014 in reply to AnthonyS

    Call someone, Lifeline, Beyond Blue. I am going through a marriage breakup and the thing that has helped the most has been talking to people. Get involved in something fun, it's hard, you don't want to but you need to get up, something else I'm finding helpful, hard but helpful, is try not to think past tomorrow. The future is overwhelming, I know, I have a panic attack and cry uncontrollably at least once a day, bring the future down to today and try and stay there, you can't handle the next 6 months right now, just deal with today. It's so easy for me to say that and it is so much harder to do it, but that's the start. After that, dunno, I'm as lost as you trying to take my first step right now, but I do know that when I wake tomorrow, it will be a new day and if I can just keep my mind on it I'll get through it ok, and if you do the same you'll get through as well. So think about this, what can you do to start your recovery tomorrow - go for a run? Call Beyond Blue? Re-establish contact with an old friend? One thing at a time Anthony, one thing and one day at a time, that's all I know.

  3. AnthonyS
    AnthonyS avatar
    4 posts
    13 May 2014 in reply to Nige_S_E

    Hi Nige,

    First off, Thank you for the advice.

    The first week was painful. Crying almost everyday. I'm an emotional guy so I just embraced it.

    Its coming to the end of the second week and I have the same mindset as you Nige. Its hard but I'm taking it one day at a time and its working.

    I blame myself for the end of the relationship, many people are telling me that I shouldn't but I'm actually using that energy constructively to better myself. 

    I'm exercising again, I'm making a plan to tackle study/work etc. Who knows if I'll go through with these plans (I'm a generally lazy dude) but I guess just mapping out the future comforts me and helps me get through today. I feel like I'm building a giant wall and contributing a brick a day. I plan on taking on photography too!

    I also have anxiety attacks Nige, the world and your mind just overwhelms you. They happen at the worse times too, right in the middle of work or hanging out with old friends.

    What I have been saying to myself is that life moves on and you will too. Corny but it gets me through.

     

  4. Nige_S_E
    Nige_S_E avatar
    7 posts
    13 May 2014 in reply to AnthonyS

    Thats good to hear Anthony, I am really pleased you're finding your way through. I'm reminded of a song by Dido, dunno what it's called -

    "You probably don't wanna hear, tomorrows another day,                                             But I promise you you'll see the sun again."

    Really nice song. I hear you with the blame thing but don't take it all, recognise your part it in it but chances are you both shoulder that. Hell realistically you're both so young and have a lot of living in front of you, keep it up mate. I find photography helps me a lot too.

  5. CrashCoyote
    Valued Contributor
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    CrashCoyote avatar
    640 posts
    13 May 2014 in reply to AnthonyS

    Hi Anthony,

    I'm sorry you are hurting. Whenever we love we risk pain, I guess it is like rolling a dice sometimes.

    I am fifty, divorced a couple of times and in a few long term relationships but single at the moment. My last relationship, which ended six months ago as she wished, was the only one that I really wanted. She was "the one" and I really adored her. On reflection with my psychologist (despite having PTSD, losing her is the issue that consumes me) it is most likely that I was chasing that lady because she could never give me what I wanted. It wasn't in her character. I was always in relationships where the girl made me the centre of her world. Then I picked a girl who was a love avoidant, incapable of giving me the affection and approval I desperately wanted from her (and funnily enough had in other relationships!). My pysch thinks I am seeking the approval from her I didn't get as a child from family. I suspect she is right.

    Anyway, I am not trying to hijack your post. I just want to say that as an older guy, I know it will get better and I will find someone else. Maybe if you can think about the possibility that you were together for a period of time (nothing lasts forever) and had some good times.

    The English author S. J. Watson said, on perspective, “It's so difficult, isn't it? To see what's going on when you're in the absolute middle of something? It's only with hindsight we can see things for what they are.” You, Anthony my friend, are in the middle of it. One thing I can promise you, without knowing you, is that one day you will look back and (even maybe with fond memories of this love) say to yourself, "I loved her once, but she wasn't the one."

    Good luck with it. Put yourself first and everything will follow.

    Kind regards, John.

  6. CrashCoyote
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CrashCoyote avatar
    640 posts
    13 May 2014 in reply to AnthonyS

    Sorry, Anthony, I meant to also mention that both you and your ex have probably changed a lot in the years between 17 and 21. I like using quotes that seem to be words of wisdom and this is one of my favourites from Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens), "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

  7. Nige_S_E
    Nige_S_E avatar
    7 posts
    14 May 2014 in reply to CrashCoyote

    oh yes!! I like that one Crash!! I also like wise quotes and here's one that's been working for me (it's actually biblical but it doesn't matter if you believe in God or not, it still works) "This to shall pass." So simple and so true, good times and bad times will pass, as you say John, nothing lasts forever.

  8. CrashCoyote
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CrashCoyote avatar
    640 posts
    15 May 2014 in reply to AnthonyS

    Hi Anthony,

    Just wondering how you are tracking.

    John.

  9. AnthonyS
    AnthonyS avatar
    4 posts
    15 May 2014

    Sorry for my slow reply guys, just keeping so busy.

    Thanks crash and nige for the inspiring quotes and experiences. They really have changed my perspective of the whole situation.

    You weren't hijacking the thread Crash :)

    honestly these posts have been really helpful, I scheduled to see a counsellor two weeks ago when the brake up occurred. However today I felt positive enough to not need to see counsellor. I still went in to have a nice chat honestly I feel confident enough to move on going Han style, solo.

    I have no doubt that this thread contributed and will continue to contribute to my recovery and growth.

    thanks guys.

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