Thanks for sharing. I have had a somewhat similar experience, I was completely dedicated to my one and only girlfriend, she left, and I was shattered, and remain even 6 months later (I used to count the hours....) reliving moments, thinking about how I could have done things differently...and have ended up in treatment for suicidal thoughts as a result. I guess in that way I see your continued dedication to her in a different light to most people, I think it shows just what a loyal and loving person you are, and it pains me no one reciprocated that for you.
It is shattering to lose someone you pour all your time and effort on, inexplicable that you could love and adore someone so much and get only rejection in return. From what I have learned the rejection of an intimate partner is especially devastating as it is related to our evolutionary desire to find a mate, and by being rejected and frustrated in attaining that core desire (which in people like us I think is especially strong) it is like a rejection of everything we are as a person. At the moment my counsellor is trying to get me to see myself as having value beyond serving a Lady...but old habits....
I almost teared up when I saw how you researched online for conversation topic etc. Having social anxiety I often have to do that, and with my girlfriend I was constantly searching for things like “surprises for girlfriend”, “how to make a girlfriend feel beautiful” to get ideas etc.
I can’t really offer you any help or advice except to say that I greatly empathize with you, I so wish people like us who want companionship so much but through thing like social anxiety and depression struggle to get it, could all find what we want. It may not be a normal response...but then what is ‘normal’, I think it’s better you did express those emotions physically rather than bottle them up? I would like to share this quote with you, one broken heart to another.
Full many a stoic eye and aspect stern /
Mask hearts where grief hath little left to learn; /
And many a withering thought lies hid—not lost— /
In smiles that least befit who wear them most./
By those, that deepest feel, are ill exprest /
The indistinctness of the suffering breast;/
Where thousand thoughts begin to end in one,/
Which seeks from all the refuge found in none;/
No words suffice the secret soul to show./
And Truth denies all eloquence to Woe.
Stay safe D_G
beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.