Need help in what to do. Been with my partner for 7 years been a big roller coast ride of on off relationship not from me breaking it up, from him. But blamimg me for it all. He did seek advice from dr. But only told him a little bit and blamed me for his depression issues. He is on depression tablets but also drinks half a cartoon of beer plus every night. Comes from a trouble up bring both parents alcoholic. I keep advising him to go talk to someone but won't. Done councilling together but all we got out of that is that the councillors took his side and im the one with the issues as he doesnt want to be the one issues. He blames me for everything and tells me that im everything he is. Eg. Selfish, abusive ect. Councillor doesnt want to work with him anymore as he is too much work. But how do i get him to get help he needs, cause i not sure where to turn. Feels like he is getting worst. Help please.

Hi Lost,

You can support someone that wants help. But, I don't think you can make someone get help if they don't want it. Have you thought about this is effecting you?

You must be feeling exhausted by all of this? It sounds like you have done a lot to try to work through the problems, talking, joint counselling but there is some resistance to change from your partner. It doesn't sound to good if the counsellor is refusing to work with him any more.

Do you think that your partner wants to change?

You wrote that there is a background to your partners drinking behaviour, which is tough to fight unless he wants to do so. Relationships need both partners to make it work. It rarely feels like it's 50/50 and often we feel like we are doing more than the other, which probably makes about right, since we all struggle to see the entire picture.

How much work do you feel like you're doing in this relationship? Is the relationship giving you what you need?

I'm glad that you found us and wrote to the forums, there are a lot of people that can offer help. When your up to it write back and let us know your thoughts.

Good luck

xx

Hey there. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. First and foremost your partner has a serious alcohol problem and needs to detox. You can't be expected to handle that. There are significant other issues but outside help is the only way. I mean you could contact AA and other helplines to see how you could get him onto these services, or get suggestions on how to do it but......if he doesn't want to help himself, you can't make him.

How have the last 7 years been for you??? I mean it sounds like you really love him, I get that, but you're in an abusive relationship and seriously need to consider getting some change happening - as in he needs to stop drinking and go into detox or your gone. He'll likely need help from professionals too because suddenly stopping alcohol can have serious medical consequences.

I don't think AA can help you as a relation directly, however you can google "drug and alcohol service" in your state. Wishing you well

Hi Lost,

I'm sorry about your situation with your partner. It sounds very hard for you both individually, as well as on your relationship.

I won't repeat what the others have said, but they've given very good advice.

The only thing I'd reinforce is that you need to make sure you're taking care of yourself as well. Psychologists themselves need professional help just to cope, and right now you've got first hand experience dealing with your partner. So please, don't neglect your own mental wellbeing even if it's small steps like giving yourself space away from your partner and doing the things you enjoy.

Don't forget that, in the end, we only have control over ourselves. Your partner will need to fix his problems and you can support him through that, but you also need to pay attention to what you can control which is your own health.

Thanks. I am taking care of myself and my children, making sure of that 😊. I work supporting mental health clients and also have a diploma in drug and alcohol so i know that me is number one. The hardest thing for me is that ive tried everything and he wants the help when he is on his high but then says he is good doesnt need it but when he is on his low he doesnt acknowledge it. I wish his drs would see the issues and push further with it or is there anyone that will go to him as he wont go out looking for help. They talk so much about addressing the issue before it worsen but he wont seek it, because im the only one that will bring it up with him and the whole stigma issues he has. He doesnt mingle with anyones else but family and they are even worst for him. Do i have to sit back till he near kills himself. He had a scare a few months back and dr thought they may have been issues as his blood pressure was extremely high. Unfortunately results come back ok and dr let it go as high stress from work. Grrr.

Yes it is 100% me and not a thing from him i know that. And when he is in his level state of mind he knows that too. When he isnt he sees it all opposite. I do work hard at keeping this relationship as i know he is a good person and if i left him he will not change and every relationship after me will be the same as his previous ones were too. I do love this man and want him to seek help i understand he has to do it. Its so frustrating. And i wish someone would front him and tell him what he needs to hear and not from me.

Hi Lost,

Good to hear from you. I can see that you are in love and you work hard at the relationship. Sadly you said that it is 100% you.

Can I ask if you are in love with the person he is, or the person he could be? You know you can't change him and that it’s his choice to continue these behaviours. Even though he knows how you feel (is that right?) and that they are damaging to, your relationship.

Unfortunately, our history in how we treat people often predicts the way we will treat people in the future. If his history is such that he has messed up a number of relationships, well what do you think that means for your relationship?

I know you want to fight for this relationship. I am concerned that you don’t seem to be getting anything out of it? What do you want out of a relationship?

Just a thought, what if you went to see a counsellor together.

Take good care of yourself

xx