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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Need to talk, but no one to talk to!

Topic: Need to talk, but no one to talk to!

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. S18
    S18 avatar
    9 posts
    13 September 2014

    Hi guys, 

    I'm new to this website and I have joined seeking someone to listen and to confide in as at the moment I feel like their is just no one I can speak to about what I am currently going through!

    I have a lot of friends but not any that I can properly talk to and confide in until I met my boss. We first started chatting and it was just about work etc and slowly the chat got more and more off topic and we became really close friends. He is honestly the only person I feel like I can just be myself with and talk to about anything besides my partner. As this relationship grew strong naturally some feelings started to pop up (more on his behalf , but a bit on mine too)  and he made it pretty clear to me that he finds it too hard for us to chat all the time like we have done for so long because he wants more. 

    We decided after a long chat that it would be in both of our best interests that we text  and talk less and only see each other at work (once a week) or in small groups so their was no temptations ( I am engaged happily with a baby). And while I thought this was going to be hard and sad as we spoke so regularly I accepted because that's what needed to happen.

    last night I received a message from him saying that it was the last message he would be sending me ever and that he was deleting my number following the message and request for me to do the same also. I'm feeling absolutely gutted that we can go from being such good best friends to him cutting all ties and going to the extent of deleting my number and being so harsh in doing so. It's like there is a piece of me missing and honestly my heart actually hurts and I'm just on the verge of crying all the time. I can't talk to my partner or my family because of the feelings that were shared and I don't want my partner to get cross with him. And most of my other friends are work colleagues and really shouldn't know about this. 

     

    I don't know if I'm being silly or what but

    I' m just feeling so low and hurting inside and I really just needed to tell someone that would listen
     

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  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9754 posts
    13 September 2014 in reply to S18

    Hi S18, warm welcome here at BB forums.

    I can sympathise with your situation but I also know why he has cut ties with you. He only wants a romantic loving relationship with you. e cannot bring himself to be close friends without that yearning element- love.

    There is no easy way to cutting you off. He could have lots of conversations with you etc...it only makes it harder.

    He knows you have a commitment with your boyfriend and baby. He likely a while ago sussed out the situation hoping or enquiring if you relationship with your partner was strong and stable. If it wasnt and you told him so, then he might have pursued you as his love interest. But alas, it was not to be.

    The situation you are in is not uncommon.  I had a lady interested in me big time when I was with my first wife. I knew it and it was most uncomfortable to have a lady smitten with me when I was committed. As I said it does happen often.

    You have little options now. If your partner and you are unstable and have lots of issues whereby you believe there is likely a split in the future then I'd keep your friends phone number somewhere. Otherwise- let it go...as hard as it is.

  3. S18
    S18 avatar
    9 posts
    14 September 2014 in reply to white knight

    I appreciate that you have taken the time to read and offer some advice to my little dilemma and I do think as hard as it is that I will have to just try and move on from this relationship hard as it may be, because it will be best for both of us. 

    A harder part though is that I will still see him once a week and I think he will be normal while we are working and around others to me. And I really don't know how I will handle it. Like I'm upset with him so it's going to be hard enough to look him in the eye when I walk in, but what if he acts like nothing has changed. 

    I just wish that I had a close relationship with some of my other friends so I could not feel so alone while going through this that needs to happen with a little bit of support, guidance and just a friendship that will take my mind somewhere else!

     

  4. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    14 September 2014 in reply to S18

    Hi S18,

    Welcome to Beyond Blue. I am so sorry for you that you have found yourself in this predicament. I think if you did speak with your friends, most of them could relate to a story similar to yours.

    As humans, we all need to reach out to someone, to have a friend we feel we can confide in, share our lives with on a personal level, to know another person has time for us and understands the issues we may have in life.

    In some ways the end of this special friendship is very sad, but on the other hand it may be for the best. At the moment the hurt and the pain are quite intense for you and I do so hope that you are able to find ways to combat that.

    You mentioned that you are happily engaged and have a baby, so maybe this guy is thinking of your relationship with your fiancé and does not want to break up what you have there.

    Unfortunately it is hard to have a great relationship with some guys and not have it turn into something other than being totally platonic. I am married and had a wonderful male friend who's company I enjoyed, he was wanting it to become more than just a friendship. I had never thought of that guy in that way, so we just made a joke out of it and he didn't try to approach me any more in a sexual way. My husband must have felt something was going on and we soon after moved house. My husband forbade me from having contact with my friend and even went as far as contacting my family and asking them not to give out our new address to anyone who might ask for it! That was his way of protecting our marriage.

    Yes it is going to be tough seeing this guy once a week. He will probably act like nothing has happened and in the long run that might be best, even though it will hurt like crazy for you and probably for him as well.

    Please feel free to write all you need to here, people will open up their hearts to you and we will show you all the care and support you need at this time and into the future if you need it still. I have been helped and encouraged through this site and hope you will feel the same way.

    Thinking of you and encouraging you to share your thoughts and feelings here or with a trusted friend to get them out of your head. Hang in there! from Dools

  5. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    16219 posts
    14 September 2014 in reply to S18

    dear S18, thanks for wanting to post here as there are any friends here, and even though WK and myself have replied there are those who just read all the comments, and hopefully they will know that it's safe to post and/or reply on this site.

    Your situation can quite easily happen when there are different genders involved in any work circumstances, and it's not easy to stop this from happening, and unfortunately it has caused many people from leaving their work or getting a transfer.

    I wonder whether your partner is the father of this child.

    I maybe saying in my next paragraph a couple of things that could make you feel hurt, and there is no intention with me in anyway wanting to harm you, it's just that I know it has happened before and I'm talking about myself.

    As he is the one that wanted to stop the talks, then he will pretend that nothing ever happened so this will upset you, and there maybe a chance of him saying awful things, and I'm sorry about this, so is it possible for you to get a transfer.

    Only do this if you don't feel strong enough to cope with his change of attitude, but also in your relationship with your partner.

    I'm very sorry. L Geoff. x

  6. S18
    S18 avatar
    9 posts
    14 September 2014 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    thanks for your support! 

    Yes my partner/ fiancé is the father of our baby. 

    I don't think he will say anything nasty, it's not in his nature and he doesn't realise how much this has all affected me as I can't talk to him anymore. If it does get too hard the possibility for a transfer is always there if he lets me. My other issue is that working in child care I have my baby there settlesd into the centre while I work and that would mean not only me but her getting resettled to a new place so that would only be last resort. I guess I will just have to wait until Tuesday when I go back and see how things pan out. I'm just nervous, how he will act toward me, if he will just pretend like nothing happened and act normal (which would be even more confusing) etc

    i have a great supportive relationship with my partner but I just can't share this with him. I would never want to create any doubts for him when he has nothing to worry about. 

    S

  7. S18
    S18 avatar
    9 posts
    14 September 2014 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi Dools,

    My problem is I really don't have a close friend to confide in but I do recognize that I need to tell this to someone so I am not bottling it all up and trying to deal with this on my own. I have also started working more on some stronger relationships so in future they can offer me some support and I them. But this incident particularly I just can't talk to anyone about. I don't want it to travel around the other work colleagues. 

    i know that us not having contact is the best thing for both of us and. My family. It's going to be hard and I think I will just have to push past it and I am sure over time it will get easier, it just seems extra awful now!

    thanks for your support

    s

  8. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    15 September 2014 in reply to S18

    Hi S18,

    You may think that communicating with a person the other side of a computer screen (or how ever you are communicating)  is not the same as chatting with a friend face to face, but I would like to encourage you to share as much of your story as you need to here. I care for you as do Geoff and White Knight and possibly others who have read your thread but not posted anything.

    One great thing is you can share all you want to here and it will be between us and you! None of us know who you are, or where you are, so you can write all you like.

    I do understand not wanting to share with your friends at work, that would be a little awkward. I hope your encounters with this guy are not too traumatic or confusing for you. I know you probably don't like the saying "IN TIME" as I know I myself have cringed when people have said it to me. But in time, down the track in months to come, maybe you will be back on friendly terms with this guy, having a brief chat and a Hi as you pass each other. That might not be the case either.

    For now you need to look after yourself, build up those friendships and spend some special time with your fiancé and child, so you know just how blessed you are in life to have them.

    You are incredibly strong and resilient to be able to stay at the same work place, to want to try to make the most of the situation and to be brave enough to share your story with us all here.

    I used to bottle stuff up for years and it really isn't a healthy option! I have a wonderful friend whom I can email just about every aspect of my life, the good, the bad and the ugly and know there is never any judgement or criticism, just an acknowledgement of what is happening and how it makes me feel, plus some kind advice on how to cope and move on.

    Congratulations to you for being able to share your story with us. I do so hope it helps, and you will continue to let go of what is painful inside of you.

    All the best, from Dools 

  9. S18
    S18 avatar
    9 posts
    16 September 2014 in reply to Doolhof

    So a few big changes since my last post.

    my boss/best friend had reached out and decided that shutting me out was not the solution and that he wants to be friends still and that he can separate his feelings and control himself around me. Also during these few days that we haven't been speaking he also needed to talk to someone and his point of contact was a mutual friend/ colleague of ours, so naturally she is full of questions as she knows both of us well as well as my little family.

    so it's back to how is was before so I should be happy now right? 

    So why do I constantly feel on the verge of tears and feel down still? 

    I just don't know what's going on with me anymore! 

  10. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16219 posts
    17 September 2014 in reply to S18
    dear S18, it's rather difficult for these talks, because of a couple of reasons, 1. the previous talks were very close and to continue 'just talking' doesn't feel the same, and 2. there is another female involved now, so the old saying 'two's company three's a crowd', but now depression is creeping in, so your situation is becoming a bit complicated. L Geoff. x
  11. S18
    S18 avatar
    9 posts
    17 September 2014 in reply to geoff

    But Geoff the talks are back how they used to be close!  And we are pretty much having the same relationship as before.  And the other girl was always in the picture as she is close to both of us (it's kind of the 3 of us at work) but she didn't know the extent of our relationship until recently.

    so everything should be fine right? And I'm hanging out for this heavy feeling to go away but for some reason it's not! 

  12. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    17 September 2014 in reply to S18

    Dear S18

    Hi. May I suggest that if you have chats with this guy, if at all possible you include the other lady as well, that way the conversation will stay on a safe road. That might be a good idea for the beginning, so new boundaries can be set and you and this guy know where the limit is with your conversations.

    It is wonderful that he has decided to be in contact with you again. Hopefully you have both learnt how important the friendship is between you both and that you do not want to mess it up by having intimate thoughts about each other. If the discussions start to get a bit too close to being about each other sharing affections, then one of you will need to say something or walk out of the room.

    I am suspecting you are feeling very confused because a trust has been broken, you have been hurt by all that has happened and you are feeling confused about what has taken place. Maybe you are a little unsure of how to proceed from here as you do not want to feel hurt again.

    Take small steps. Your relationship will never be the same as it was in the past. This thing has happened between you both, You have the opportunity now to start over with a clear view of how you want this friendship to be, that feelings for each other can not happen anymore if the friendship is to continue as a friendship only.

    I hope this is making some sense to you. I will be around for a couple more days and then I will be on holidays to a place which has limited if no internet connection. I want to wish you all the very best with restoring this friendship on solid foundations so you can help and support each other, be friends, and just friends.

    I will check again later to see if you have posted how you are getting on. Cheers for now from Dools.

     

  13. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16219 posts
    17 September 2014 in reply to S18

    dear S18, thanks for your reply, and what Dools has indicated and I agree with, 'the trust has been broken', I am going to mention and a couple of issues here which you may or may not be concerned about, and please keep replying back to us, so that we can ease your mind.

    If this other lady has the desires for your boss and wants to draw his attention away from you, then there will be problems, and I don't want to mention these just yet, I just want to see if you want to reply, and the other concern is he might play you both off, meaning that he may tell her everything, either by choice or by her asking him everything.

    I don't want to alarm you in anyway, because this is an open conversation and we want to help you. L Geoff. x

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