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Forums / Relationship and family issues / new..massive life changes,and sickened by these unsure feelings..need help.

Topic: new..massive life changes,and sickened by these unsure feelings..need help.

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. diff
    diff avatar
    2 posts
    22 August 2015

    hi..im unsure how these forums work?? but I guess ill get the hang of it :-)

    do I write my concerns here?? as id like to get help with them.

    ill start by a quick description??

    about to have a baby,move and start a whole new life with someone...im terrified to the point of sickness and anxiety that I rushed into this,as we have been horrible to each other for the past 6 months!! or so even more...this is all while I have been pregnant..he has changed now for the better after he has seen the destruction his words caused but I still know he doesn't get it as he doesn't understand his abusive nature at times...not always abusive..... I have not been able to shake this gut sinking feeling of feeling trapped,unsure,like this is wrong??? ontop of this I feel tremendous guilt about having these feelings as a new father to be should be adored by his partner...I don't even feel like being around him or his family at the moment and try not to be..and I don't feel happy at all about the future that lies ahead,even about this baby,that deserves better than its mother feeling this way.

    I am leaving a comfort zone to move with him which I know leaving it is good for me,but leaving it for him scares me as I don't know if ill be happier or better off emotionally and mentally...I was previously on medication for anxiety and depression the lowest dose..and have struggled with self worth feelings etc and getting my life together feelings for a long time now...along with anxiety.

    I had too get off this medication in the third trimester of this pregnancy and now I am struggling horrifically.

    along with thoughts that a previous partner I had would have been a better choice to make such a big decision with as in moving and a child etc..these thoughts have been getting gut wrenchingly stronger and stronger,I only started having these strong thoughts about previous partner when my pride,self worth and who I was getting squashed verbally by my current partner...I don't like being this person and I feel physically sick to my stomach about everything...I am scared for the babies health.

    I have previously had a strong struggle with alcohol after i dabbled in drugs in my 20s which I know caused me severe anxiety and unfocusness on my life...I have used alcohol to counteract a lot of the underlying issues...

     

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9779 posts
    22 August 2015 in reply to diff

    Hi diff, welcome

    I'm a little concerned with you. You are having a child with another person....effectively you are both pregnant. The father of this baby is going to be a dad and his input to your child is just as important as your input. Read your post again because I get the feeling after reading it that you are not considering his fatherhood much at all. Nor are you considering the grandparents of the child on his side.

    I think it might be time for some really mature effort toward him and his family for the sake of your child. And if it doesn't work out then at least try to leave as friends so your baby will grow up with parents that have a good communication base. If not him then his parents at least. They will be grandparents and could well be a great asset to your child if they are trustworthy and loving people.

    I think a trip to your GP about your alcohol issues would be a good idea. He/she will refer you to the right channels. Your baby deserve every effort in all these actions.

    I commend you writing in her to seek ideas and advice. It isn't easy reading from the likes of me that might seem I'm bringing the whip out. I'm not, I'm just worried for your child. Too many kids are brought up without their dads now and nanas and pops. Its not good.

    I know you want the best for your baby. Think deep, and about who are important to your baby's life.  While you might require good guidance you are also showing signs of growing into the role of a good mum

    Well done on your attitude.   Tony WK

  3. diff
    diff avatar
    2 posts
    23 August 2015 in reply to white knight

    these posts are supposed  to reflect thoughts we are having ,not actions we are going to take...I would never leave the father without contact with the child or the grandparents..ever...unless there was a severe problem with him towards that child...which there isn't...my issue is the way he was to me wasn't acceptable..he made me feel very small unloved not valued and depressed...he didn't cheat or anything...he was emotionally cruel and abusively dismissive and very hurtful like nothing was ever good enough and I wasn't.....life shouldn't be like that,it can take you down a very dark road when someone you are around constantly treats you like that..before you know it you are cringing waiting for their answers and thoughts that you know are not going to be very fond ones anyway...its depressing.

    my guilt and fear has taken over where there should be love and courage..he has changed his ways considerably but still has it in him to be an unnecessary verbally cruel person when things aren't going smooth....I don't like that and I feel I deserve better than to be always wondering when it will next happen....

    I did want this baby with him months ago..and do not want to break up a family ever ...but my thoughts of my previous partner grew very strong in recent months...I believe it has to do with the fact how current partner has treated me...I am not one who like to run..but feel emotionally numb towards him and feel I made a mistake getting into this situation...I hate feeling this guilt and its consuming me...I want the love and respect for this current partner to come back..so I can stop seeing my previous partner as a shiny alternative from this...

    previous partner was my comfort zone and love for many years..as we shared almost 10yrs together.

    these are all concerns I am having to do with a lot of hormones fear uncertainty

     

  4. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    23 August 2015 in reply to diff

    Dear Diff

    I am sad to read of your difficulties and feelings towards your partner. I understand about being emotionally abused as I lived in that situation for 30 years. I welcome you to Beyond Blue and hope we can help you in your present situation.

    But this does not help you at this time. My believe, endorsed by my experience, is that no one has the right to harm another, physically or verbally. We all get cross at times and say things we do not mean but not constantly trying to hurt the other. After many years of this I found I lost all my confidence and came to believe all my husband said to and about me was true. He still does this at times, though not quite as overtly as in the past. We meet at family gatherings which he is as much entitled to attend as me.

    Tony WK has made several valid points about children growing up without one parent and grandparents not knowing their grandchild. It's a very sad situation all round. On the other hand you should not be expected to put up with abuse so that others are happy. I think this is the dilemma you are facing.

    I am often told by the psychologist who helps me, to listen to my body. And this is good advice. It seems you have two difficulties. One is whether to move away from where you currently live, exchanging somewhere you are comfortable for the unknown. This is scary at the best of times. Moving towards the end of your pregnancy is even more scary. Perhaps you can consider staying put until the baby is born and then decide what to do.

    The second difficulty is whether or not to stay with your partner at all. This is a harder choice. I suggest you see a counsellor from Relationships Australia, Lifeline or Anglicare and ask for an urgent appointment. You need some help to work through this situation. Do you see your GP for baby check ups. If not, this is another person who can help. They are usually very good at this sort of thing and if necessary can refer you to someone who can help.

    To me, and this is my personal belief based on my experience, an abusive person does not change without a great deal of help. And usually has a big struggle even admitting they need help. You need to decide if your partner is going to continue treating you in this way and make a decision based on this. This is why you need professional help. I know little about your situation so I cannot presume to advise you.

    Hope to hear from you.

    Mary

  5. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    9223 posts
    23 August 2015
    Hi, I feel like I'm reading my own story.  I've been down that same road. I found out I was pregnant just when I was ready to walk from a relationship that had gone bad. He freaked out as things had not been good between us and he wSnt ready for a child.  He didn't want the relationship but couldnt not have this child I also wanted my baby.  He assured me we would sort it all out.  We agreed to live separately as we already did but raise our child together. He emotionally and verbally abused me all through the pregnancy which he now regrets but I cannot forgive him for. We don't live together and I am so grateful as at times I can't stand being around him but I never stop him having contact. He is always welcome to come over and I go to his place or we take our little one out. He now suffers anxiety and it won't go away.  Sometimes we don't see him for weeks but I've never stopped him coming over. Your health emotionally and physically is extremely important during pregnancy and after.  I don't think you should feel pressured to move away and live together. In my case it goes against my beliefs and values but it was best for all.  Just because you're not together doesn't mean you are stopping any contact.  I feel do hurt and upset to hear you were verbally abused, it angers me. The most important thing is your child and what is the best ENVIRONMENT to bring him/her up and it doesn't mean your denying anyone any contact.
  6. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    CMF avatar
    9223 posts
    23 August 2015
    I'm sorry but I feel very strongly about this.  Do you have your family? If so How do they feel about this? When you move will you have family/friends for support? Do his parents know how he's treated you? Are you moving far.  I wouldn't feel pressured to move in. Having a child is a big enough step without added pressures that perhaps hadn't been on the cards anyway.  As I said the most important thing is that your child has a happy, safe love loving environment. I feel for you so much as I know exactly what you're going through and how you're feeling. 

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