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Forums / Relationship and family issues / New relationship?

Topic: New relationship?

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. MissJ94
    MissJ94 avatar
    31 posts
    8 May 2021

    Hi all,

    I had been talking to this guy for months now and we finally met up last week at a local cafe.

    I hadnt been on a date in 3 years! My last relationship ended 6 years ago! So i felt very out of place! But as my psychologist put it, look at potential partners like a beer. Sometimes you need to try many of them to find the one you really like. So i went into the date with no expectations to just "try the beer".

    The guy isnt what i typically go for either! And i feel like it went really well, i ended up liking this beer😂 sounds weird saying it like that.

    Really look forward to seeing him again and i feel like its a positive sign we are still talking! He had messaged me only like 30mins after our date too.

    I just dont want to get too attached so soon though. But at times i cant help but wonder what our kids would look like, what type of ring he would propose to me with, how our lives would be like living together, would we end up buying a house together, what are his parents like, would they like me etc.😂

    Then i think about what he really thought of me. What were his thoughts about me when first meeting, what has he told his friends or family about me if anything, will he end up ghosting me?

    Then also thoughts about when my expectations were way too high! This guy is a couple months younger than me, i usually go for guys at least 2 years older. This guy enjoys going out for a couple drinks with his mates, i dont drink. This guy is a gaming manager at a pub, i usually go for guys who are university educated.

    So many thoughts racing through my mind and not sure how to feel about any of them!

    The scariest thing i find about dating is what if i find someone i like better? I hate hurting people and i guess thats one reason i was out of the dating scene for quite a while. That fear of getting comfortable with someone only for someone i like more to come along? If that makes sense. Makes me wonder if ill ever be ready to settle? Ive been in some pretty terrible/abusive relationships in the past and i guess all those issues come back up. Questioning everything.. am i too damaged to be in a relationship again??

    1 person found this helpful
  2. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
    12409 posts
    24 May 2021 in reply to MissJ94

    MissJ

    welcome to the forum. Thanks so much for your post. Sorry it has taken so long to get your post answered but this sometimes happens and has nothing to do with your post.
    you have asked very important questions. I started dating again in my 50s and had similar questions.

    I suppose the beer analogy only goes so far as choosing the wrong beer will not affect our life .

    I think you will gain more confidence the more you date. Sometimes having a list of qualities fir a date can rule out nice people who don’t fit that list.

    After your past experiences with men you may feel nervous.

    well done for trying again.

    fell free to post here again and let us know how you are going.

  3. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8756 posts
    25 May 2021 in reply to MissJ94

    Hi MissJ94,

    I've just noticed your post here and see that quirkywords has sent you a reply. I too hope you are still around on the forums.

    If you don't mind me asking, have you had another date with this guy? I am wondering if you can maybe think of dates as an opportunity for getting to know new people. If the encounters do not end up as a long term relationship, they may become friendships.

    As far as meeting different people while you are already dating someone, I guess you have to consider is the grass really greener on the other side of the fence or are just hoping it is?

    Wishing you well. Cheers from Dools

  4. Juliet_84
    Valued Contributor
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    Juliet_84 avatar
    570 posts
    25 May 2021 in reply to MissJ94

    Hi MissJ,

    I think that’s a really good analogy. People put so much expectation on finding their true match that they forgot it’s unlikely you are probably not going to find it in the first one you try, or even the fifth one most likely. It’s a process, and it may not work at any number of stages, but you have to accept it’s a process, which can be difficult for all of us (myself included!). I don’t think he needs to tick all of the boxes, for example I don’t think university educated really matters or whether he’s two years older or a couple of months etc. But what is important is if your core values line up, is he kind, is he a good communicator, do you both want a family in future, do you have similar goals or aspirations (and if not are you willing to support each other in theirs etc). These are the real things that make the most difference to your future happiness and likely determine whether your relationship will succeed. By your own account you’ve had some pretty terrible relationships where they didn’t treat you well and they presumably met your criteria. So I would gauge how he treats you and remember some of these things only reveal themselves over time so don’t rush in just yet. I think it’s a positive sign that he messaged you straight after your date though :)

  5. Guest_3256
    Guest_3256 avatar
    324 posts
    26 May 2021 in reply to MissJ94

    Hi MissJ94:

    MissJ94 said:

    "The scariest thing i find about dating is what if i find someone i like better?"

    We need to love ourselves and accept our flaws before we can commit to others.

    When we wholly believe in who we are and value ourselves, we can commit to others, accept their flaws and fall in love with who they are.

    This means that we will be able to manage our wondering eye. It's about having object consistency.

    How exciting. keep up you dating, you are doing well. :)

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