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Topic: what to do ??..

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. Jimmuck
    Jimmuck avatar
    4 posts
    16 May 2021
    hi all, i am 63 years old and still working 6 or 7 days a week to pay the bills, we have a mortgage that i will be long passed away before it is paid off, we had the house built, so i have labored long and hard landscaping the front and back, as well a lot of interior work, but no matter what i say or how i say it the house inside and out is awful. my wife wanted lawns and gardens but does nothing to them, the two spare bedrooms are full of her junk, the pergola i built is not usable because it is full of junk, if i say anything it leads to an argument. she always tries to impress people and wants to seem indispensable to them, regardless of how it affects me. so far it has cost us a lot of money in lawyer fees when somebody tried to sue her and myself personally 15 thousand dollars for an insurance claim, because she didnt renew the policy. that is just some of the serious problems over the years. whilst i can fully accept i am in the wrong sometimes, it is impossible for her to even consider that she could be remotely wrong, when i say so cries to anyone who will listen,she just lies to everyone to gain their sympathy , what is really sad for our relationship is she cannot even tell her own self the truth,on one occasion, after i was driven to seek help from a counselor, she was asked to come along to a session to support me, all she did was sit there crying about how bad her life was.i have asked her many times to stop keeping all our money in an account in her name only, but she still does. so the latest event sparked by my asking her something three times and being completely ignored each time, which led to me getting angry and her, as usual, running away to hide. that was over two weeks ago, since then we have not said a single word to each other, NOT ONE WORD. i have stood by her through a lot of serious things,right now i feel like i am just taken for granted, right at this moment she is on a boat helping to organize a firework display when she should be here at home least trying to talk about our problems, i dont want to leave my house that i have put so much hard work into, i cant leave anyway as i dont have the money to do so.. i feel so trapped, i cant leave and cant stay here living like this, i am at my wits end, but she just will not accept any responsibility whatsoever in what goes wrong in our marriage, it is completely one sided,i have absolutely no one to talk to here as i have no family and i have allowed my friends to drift away..
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5929 posts
    16 May 2021 in reply to Jimmuck
    Hi Jimmuck,

    Welcome to the forum, it is so lovely to have you join us here. We're sorry to hear that you are having such difficulty communicating with your wife about such important matters. We can understand that this can take a toll on anyone and recognise how hurtful, frustrating and harmful her actions and decisions must be for you. Feeling trapped and not being heard can taint any relationship and we commend you for seeking out supports through a counsellor. There are also other support if ever you are in need.

    We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.  

    MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/ 

    f you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

    You are not alone and it is great that you are turning to the forum. This community is here to support you. 


     
  3. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    quirkywords avatar
    12372 posts
    16 May 2021 in reply to Jimmuck

    Jimmuck

  4. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12372 posts
    16 May 2021 in reply to Jimmuck

    Jimmuck

    welcome to the forum.

    I am so sorry you have to trouble communications how you feel to your wife. I can relate to having a partner who feels they are always right and that I am always wrong. It is so hard to cope with when everyone sees yiu4 partner as wonderful and caring and never see the real side.

    I hope you get help from groups like Relationship Australia.

    it is hard to change someone who is in denial, so you may need to decide what you really want and how can you get it.

    you are not alone. We are listening.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Jimmuck
    Jimmuck avatar
    4 posts
    16 May 2021 in reply to quirkywords
    i try my best to be understanding i do, but how can any wife, regardless of the circumstances at the present moment, go out or over twelve hours and not give a moments thought that her husband may be worried about her, not a text message just to let him know she is ok is just beyond my level of understanding... then to come home and boast about her wonderful day on social media, knowing full well i will see it is (to my way of thinking anyway) is purposefully emotional viciousness and probably the final straw for me... i dont really know what to do or even what i am going to be able to do, but i have to get away from this somehow...
  6. Jimmuck
    Jimmuck avatar
    4 posts
    16 May 2021 in reply to Jimmuck
    so here is the latest. i tried to tell her how i feel, explain to her what is going wrong in our marriage and what she is doing to me..and guess what???... i was abused and blamed for everything and it got nasty again... i have found out that she has been foulmouthing me to her friends and family... so here i am at 1.30 in the morning sitting out the back drinking coffee and smoking myself to death worried sick about what to do and how to do it, whilst she is fast asleep in bed...it is impossible for me to sleep i will be awake all night.. i have not drunk alcohol since november 1998, over 22 years ago. but i really feel like getting totally drunk just to forget everything for a while...
  7. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    geoff avatar
    15302 posts
    16 May 2021 in reply to Jimmuck

    Hello Jimmuck, welcome to the site and for reaching out to us because it seems that your wife isn't doing you any favours at all, by being adamant and believing she is always right means in the long run that eventually she won't have any friends that want to continue to see her, simply because they won't be able to have an opinion without her criticising it, and I take note of your age.

    You need to be congratulated for the effort you've put into building the house, an extremely great effort, but if any room and the pergola is full of junk ten have you thought about slowly getting rid of it, I wonder whether or not she'd notice.

    Having this amount of control doesn't sit well, especially when all the money is in her name only and needs to be changed so the money you earn either goes into a joint account or your own account.

    I can't tell you what you should do, but if this was happening to me I'd be making a decision for the future, it's time you started to relax and get some enjoyment out of life.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  8. Jimmuck
    Jimmuck avatar
    4 posts
    18 May 2021 in reply to geoff
    hi all, as we are just not able to talk as two adults, i sent her a long email, it wasnt one sided, it was a an honest assessment of our marriage with blame on both sides and the hurt and anguish that we cause to each other. i made it plain that i was not happy about our relationship ending and in fact it was hurting me. i dont think i have ever opened my emotional feelings so much before. but not a response, nothing at all. didnt even say a word to me last night. so okay she wants to end things... but why will she just not go??.... she has family to go to, including her mum, where she can stay until everything is settled, i dont have anyone or anywhere. i know this is her house as well, but are we supposed to live here as two separate people? is that even possible after living as a couple for over 15 years?, having to see each other as we pack things and sell up ??...she knows full well that until this house is sold, i do not have the money to find somewhere else to live, so in the meantime are we just going to crucify each other emotionally ?.., i have always gone to bed earlier than her, so after i have gone too bed at night, why does she have to get in the same bed as me, there are two spare rooms with beds in, but no she has to sleep in the same one as me. she is a reasonably intelligent woman, she must know the mental anguish this is causing me, and unless she is not human it must be an unhealthy situation for her. if she wants to split up, thats her choice and i accept it, i have told her it breaks my heart to have to sell the house, but i have no other financial option but to do so, after 15 years of living here, there is a lot to either pack or sell and it will take some time to do it, the house is not going to sell overnight and could take months, but making me go through the pain of doing all this and actually have to do so whilst she still lives here and sleeps in the same bed as me is just unimaginable. is it just me or does anyone else think that this is completely unacceptable behavior from an adult ??.. am i the only one that feels being put through this hell is an irrational mental attitude ?..
  9. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5929 posts
    18 May 2021 in reply to Jimmuck
    Hi Jimmuck, 

    We are really sorry to hear how you are feeling right now, relationship stress can be really taxing on our emotions and adding financial stress on top must be difficult. We want to congratulate you again for reaching out for support here on the forums. 

    We also wanted to drop back in and suggest a few resources that may be useful for you while you make decesions about your future and look after your wellbeing. 

    We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.  

    MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/ 

    Thanks again for being a part of the community.

    Kind regards, 
    Sophie M
  10. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    275 posts
    18 May 2021 in reply to Jimmuck

    Hi jimmuck

    Sorry to hear you have been having problems with your marriage.

    So apart from the marital problems, one big problem for you is that she hoards possessions which clogs up your bedrooms and pergola? Sorry I’m not fully understanding, there’s a lot of information there you’ve written.

    How old is your wife and how long have you been married? What do you do for work 6-7 days per week?

  11. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15302 posts
    18 May 2021 in reply to Jimmuck

    Hello Jimmuck, it's not the most pleasant situation you're in at the moment, I'm sorry, because the last few months of my 25 year marriage my wife slept in another room until finally leaving, so I had to pack up everything, including the large shed, which was not only time consuming, disappointing and only made my depression worse, as she had moved a couple of hours away.

    Had you thought about locking your bedroom door, so she is forced to sleep elsewhere if you don't want her to be in the same bed as you.

    Sending a long email may not be the best option, she might not even read it or delete it straight away, if you want to put her clothes in another room and as I said lock your room.

    Packing up what you want to keep and what you don't should be decided who actually does this, as the furniture removalist will charge you more if they have to pack items that aren't already packed and that's what you want to avoid.

    I know and understand what you are going through and feel sorry it's happening, as it happened to me, but slightly different.

    With interest rates so low you never know the house might be sold quickly, even though that's not what you want, neither did I.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  12. randomx
    randomx avatar
    2765 posts
    21 May 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi op and very sorry to hear of it all ..

    l was wondering though , surely some silver lining could the 15 yrs there ,the house must have a ton of equity by now with prices and the market is absolutely booming, you could come out of it loaded and make a fresh start. Another thought too while waiting , just to save even more ugly , why not just go set yourself up in one of the spare rooms instead , to hell with it let her stay in the main br. That's what l did , well mine was the couch actually but eh , the lounge, tv, movies all night and it joined the kitchen and the fridge . Best br l've ever had actually and the couch was very comfortable too , it was heaven for awhile there after 20yrs of sharing a bed.

    And yeah def agree with Geoff , why not set your pay to go into you own acc from now on especially now. Anyway , please take care of yourself , and come here and talk it out with people absolutely anytime you feel like it.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful

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