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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Your lost child forever in your heart

Topic: Your lost child forever in your heart

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9216 posts
    2 July 2021

    Whatever estranged situation you endure with your blood child the pain is lifelong.

    I have two daughters 32 and 28yo. The older one I'm close to, the younger one I'm estranged. The older one has zero contact with her sister and birth mother and firmly believes they are evil.

    It's clearer to me now, that my youngest stayed in the care of her mother and not only willingly adopted my ex's narcissistic ways (silence as a weapon, emotional manipulation, grandiose mannerisms etc) but is the spitting image of her mother. I divorce her mother for those reasons, so what hope did we have?

    My youngest would re-enter my life ever 2 years or so, sometimes for money that she wouldnt get, sometimes to hear the gossip, sometimes to enter then leave suddenly. Her preferred form of communication was facebook. With FB she had the ultimate tool as she could block me at will, communicate with my family and friends to find out information then - gone!! in an instant. Two years later "Hi Dad" and the 2 weeks of reaching out with love and care was dashed in being blocked again.

    I made the toughest of all decisions. I severed all ties. Yep, I blocked her and it remains that way, purely for my mental well being that my other daughter and wife deserve, they deserve me with my mental health the best it can possibly be. Subjected to trauma, then grief, then happiness ofr a few weeks then trauma and the cycle continues, is not good.

    The internal feeling of stigma for "abandoning my daughter is very real plus that feeling of failure. You can give your child opportunity, you can give them love and support but if they are destructive for whatever reason and no action works you might need to consider limits. Such boundaries if you fortress of survival. It's ok to keep grieving but sometimes its just not your fault.

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival#qlnLN3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/fortress-of-survival-part-2#qr3mhnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/fortress-of-suvival-part-3-(love)#quJq6XHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    TonyWK

  2. topsy_
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    topsy_ avatar
    1091 posts
    2 July 2021 in reply to white knight

    Thanks Tony. I’ve followed all the links & really appreciate your caring words of wisdom.

    I have three adult children. I’ve been estranged from one for over ten years now (their choice); dropped & blocked by another (again their choice); and distanced from the other (my choice). I “divorced” my so-called parents over 20 years ago now but lost the whole extended family as a result.

    When I feel low it seems a bit overwhelming but most of the time I’m ok. I am blessed to have the a wonderful man for my husband. I do now know what unconditional love is.

    I used to feel bitterness & anger when I thought about my children but I have decided on a new approach. Now when they come to mind I send a love-filled prayer to heaven for them. The only thing I feel a touch guilty about is that I can go days without thinking of them!

    So once again Tony, thank you, T.

  3. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9216 posts
    2 July 2021 in reply to topsy_

    Hi Topsy

    Thankyou also. I often wonder why people feel a need to judge others relationships. E.g. your relationships with your parents is your to manage as you saw fit

    My sister and I parted ways with our mother 10 years ago. Subsequently we lost several cousins and my sister's daughter... all followed the lies and manipulation of our mother. But we don't interfere with their relationships. Odd isn't it. I also feel your pain but as hard as it is, that crust of grief that won't ever budge, there is a life to be lived. Having a great guy by your side is a bonus.

    Your guilt for stringing a number of days together without thinking of your children, isn't warranted. You are getting on with your life as you deserve too. Google

    Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

    Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful

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