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Topic: Am I a fool?

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. BS
    BS avatar
    5 posts
    26 June 2020
    I am posting this here because I am a lesbian in a lesbian relationship.
    My partner and I have been together for over 8 years. We got together pretty young.
    We fell into our relationship pretty hard. And it got a little toxic for awhile We both had a lot of bad habits and had a lot of mental health issues we weren't addressing.
    We have and are doing therapy. And together we are working on our relationship and ourselves.
    For a long time my partner has said she doesn't feel satisfied. But she doesn't know where that is coming from. We have tried things in and out of the relationship.
    But she still feels like this. We had a huge discussion about it a few days ago. She said she feels annoyed that our relationship mirrors a hetro relationship. In the way that we are in a monogamous relationship. We are about to buy a house. We have decided to have kids. But also she thinks she wants it.
    She said she also feels frustrated because she feels like because we got together so young she didn't get to try and do stuff before we got locked into this relationship. I do understand that on some level.
    It was a long talk but eventually I said I would give her a pass. Meaning that if she wants to talk to other girls she can. If she wants to flirt and and see what's out there she can. Because I was sick of having the same talk of her being dissatisfied and nothing changing. Because her feeling like that means she is always changing her mind and it gets frustrating.
    I am okay with her doing this. I am. But I also can't help think that maybe I am being an idiot? Am I letting her walk all over me?
    I mean who gives their partner a pass to possibly go find someone else while just sitting waiting hoping she will come home.
    I am trying to be open and take her feeling into account and also mine but it's hard. Navigating stuff like this is really difficult because I don't know if I am being stupid. And I don't have anyone to talk too about it. I love her. And she loves me. I know this. We have a good relationship. But if she isn't satisfied with me isn't that a bad thing?
    Has anyone else gone through something similar? On either side. Maybe you felt dissatisfied in the relationship..or your partner did. How did you navigate it. Has anyone opened up their relationship. How did it go? Am I being a sucker?
    I do believe she loves me and that she is just feeling a little lost. But should I be putting myself in this position or am I letting someone walk all over me?
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9173 posts
    27 June 2020 in reply to BS

    Hi, welcome

    As a 64yo heterosexual male I might not seem an ideal responder but I’ll try.

    Ive had 4 long term relationships.

    1. In my 20’s, lived her greatly but she was the ultimate procrastinator. It took 6 years for me to act on it and leave
    2. married this one and had two kids. Chronic laziness and add narcissistic actions but still lasted 11 years- 10 years too long- no...11.
    3. Lasted 10 years- the step mum from hell with my kids and a closet alcoholic. Said she blamed her alcoholism on my bipolar- lovely eh
    4. My wife of 8 years- fabulous in every way, compatible, same interests

    So I’ve listed these because in every case I’ve been in love and they me yet there was, for the first 3 one or two major issues that could not be resolved or countered or tolerated.

    Min your case, using the comparison, you are imo displaying extreme love by releasing and permitting your partner to go beyond what you’d normally allow. You are giving her something that really violates your values in what you have expected. This decision you’ve made is s trade off, rather than lose her and shatter your future plans.

    Im going to suggest that you think of the alternatives. How would she react if you agreed with her plans of outside relationships as then you’d be able to do the same? Would she not like you to be in another’s arms?

    I cant of course tell you if you are foolish. I think what drives your support for her needs is an example of high emotional love and commitment that is in dispute with your logic.

    I hope I’ve helped here, it isn’t an ideal situation for you, but remember- your values is a big part of you that if traded off for reasons of harmony and live, there is usually fragments of resentment that follows you like a shadow.

    What do you think?

    TonyWK

  3. Possuman
    Possuman avatar
    3 posts
    28 June 2020 in reply to BS
    Hey, fellow lesbian. I can kinda relate to ur partner feeling like her sexuality is defined by hetro sexual norms like marriage, children, houses. I don't like conforming to traditional relationship dynamics and I'm polyamorous. However polyamory should be a two-way street, and it can be successful if you are a team. Please keep talking to your partner before committing to being polyamorous. It must be so exhausting having the same conversations, but if you love this person it will be worth it. (Btw there is nothing wrong with being monogamous, or wanting kids, houses ect)
  4. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9173 posts
    28 June 2020 in reply to Possuman

    Hi Possuman

    Really appreciate your input for this member.

    TonyWK

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