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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Coming out Anxious & Depressed

Topic: Coming out Anxious & Depressed

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. MrSheffield
    MrSheffield avatar
    4 posts
    9 April 2018

    Hey Everyone,
    I'm at a bit of a loss on how to support/help my partner. We have been together for almost 6 years, I came out when I was a kid at 15/16 and my partner is not outto anyone other than his mum and sisters. He has met a few of my friends where we live but he does not feel comfortable going to any venue near where we live due to his work industry.
    We have travelled to Sydney (I grew up there) a few times and he has met a few more friends that he can relate to thankfully as a few of mine have been shallow assholes it turns out.
    He has told me that he had a situation in the past where he tried to commit suicide and was in hospital and had interaction in open rooms with health professionals of some description, unsure if they were Pschologists or Psycotherapists. That experience has left him with a bad taste in his mouth. He suffers from Panic Attacks often, generally hates life and himself and is rather miserable.
    We used to have rip roaring fights which have calmed quite considerable since he lowered his consumption of white wine, when we travel he tends to relax quite considerably and it's the only time he can be 'him' as such. Depending on the length of the holiday ie a week he is already dreading going home when we get there wishing the time away.
    He recently did a quiz of some description which pretty much said he was depressed, which could quite possibly be. His family life is very complicated with DV on his mum's side and failed marriges etc. I tried supportivley years ago to try and get him to a GP to start a mental health plan with a different Dr rather than his usual GP, the appointment was made and then we cancelled.
    He has spoken to a Social Worker about a year and a bit ago, I was also seeing the same guy; however, he was a bit useless to be honest. I have been unable to help get him back to one.
    As I said at the start, he is miserable, hates himself and as a distorted view of himself. He's not an ugly bloke and carries less of a gut than me but thinks he's fat constantly. I realise everyone has their own journey to take when they are ready, but at times the negativity of it can be so fing heavy it brings me down as well.
    Booking a holiday is a nightmare at times due to his indecivness, I have had to set boundries as I reckon organising a wedding would be easier.
    Has anyone else been in the same situation? I just want to see the guys smile and be happy.

    N

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Just Sara
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    Just Sara avatar
    3397 posts
    9 April 2018 in reply to MrSheffield

    Hi and welcome Mr N;

    You're a caring and insightful man/partner indeed. Please know you're trying all the right things as challenging as it is ok.

    You've bought up quite a few different issues, although they seem to be linked. Each one is in its own right a problem and ideally requires focus independent of the others. How do you feel about this statement?

    Being so close makes it difficult to separate yourself from his issues as it impacts on you, sometimes dramatically as shown in your plea for help. I totally get this ok.

    Seeing your partner this way would make you feel like walking on egg shells I dare say. This can become an habitual trail of woe; attending to his needs and neglecting your own. The strain on your relationship such as intimacy would be felt deeply as well.

    First bit of advice? You can't fix him. Trying to appease him won't work either; he's mentally ill. Being the best you can be is about the most ideal way to treat this situation N. At the end of the day, your life's still your own even though it may seem at times to be attached at the hip with his.

    Losing yourself among his problems will eventually get the better of you, so keeping sight of independent thinking/time/activities will keep you revitalised; it takes so much out of people caring for loved one's with MH disorders. Take care of #1 first ok.

    You can take a horse to water, yudda, yudda.. Nothing you do except express your pain, frustration, confusion and fear with him will get thru his armour.

    For him to get the professional support he needs including a MHCP, proper med's (with regular reviews) and visits with a psychologist/psychiatrist, he has to acknowledge his own part in the problem. That being pride or whatever he uses to distance himself from moving forward.

    Until then, you need to stay strong and present yourself as nurturing sure, but with a firm hand when it comes to his well-being AND yours.

    I don't envy your situation N. It's going to be hard slog no doubt. But I can see you have what it takes to get thru it. There IS a light waiting, it just takes time, patience, determination and will; with some gentleness and kindness towards yourself thrown in.

    Please read other posts/threads that resonate with you as well as info sheets/links below. You deserve a break man; plan that holiday for you is my advice.

    I'm here most days if you want to chat.

    Take care;

    Warm thoughts;

    Sez

  3. MrSheffield
    MrSheffield avatar
    4 posts
    12 April 2018 in reply to Just Sara

    Hey Sez,

    Thanks for responding, talking to mates has fallen on deaf ears their listening but not really giving me anything practical. The Social Worker at work said she's their for me, for my personal care but until the horse even considers heading toward the water in her 'polite way' put up and shut up or run a mile.

    I'm not admitting to be perfect don't get me wrong here, two things i've noticed and this is a trait of him and his mum. I've not seen it so much in his sisters or bio dad is that they repeat what they say when they both talk at times. Not the regular confirming details as if you were giving someone instructions and they repeat it to make sure you understand but repeating pretty much the same sentance verbatim after you may have said 'hey, I hear you' when I activley listen, i listen and I hear it the first time. I'm not sure if this is just a personality trait or something else.

    So i've possibly been offered a job and I said to let's call him 'Mr' for story purposes, he i've been offered a job. I've been looking to move stale career and other issues. So when we have something to discuss let's sit down and write out everything so we are considering all the options etc.

    Without this occuring, Mr thought hey i'll go to Sydney next weekend to see if i like and see if I can make friends. My initial response and the same that I said to him was do it. If this will make a possible decision later easier go for it. I did quiz him on the purpose or the reasons he wanted to go and it came down to making friends which I suggested he won't make in a bar setting all that often, needle hey stack etc. I sugested social or activity related groups to get his feet wet etc and to consider where his work location may be.

    I said i'd stand by this reasoning regardless of how many times he asked me, so we spoke yesterday and he said he was uncertain and what I thought. I said well the same as the other day! Oh what was that and I exaplain everything all over again...as he couldn't recall.

    I have noticed that he seems to jump from stressing about event to event, booking a holiday is an absolute nightmare at times and it is that process extrapolated.

    I'll admit to getting frustrated when he cuts me off when im mid sentance I litterally had to hold my finger up and said no stop and wait it does my head in. If he does cut in it stuffs up my train of thought. We get there in the end.

    Crap outta word space. Talk soon. Thanks Mr S

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Just Sara
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    Just Sara avatar
    3397 posts
    13 April 2018 in reply to MrSheffield

    Hey again S;

    It sounds as though you needed a good purge. I so get that. Decision making's hard at the best of times let alone with a MH disorder. This can drive other's to drink as you well know.

    It's awful when people don't 'listen'. I pride myself on having active listening skills but cringe when others fail to give this in return. It's pie in the sky stuff if you want this to change unless you spell it out kindergarten style.

    My ex was relentless redirecting topics and it eventually got the better of me. I'd tried anger, tears and leaving the room; all at a loss. I ended up telling him I needed to talk.

    I went on to say how small he made me feel and that his communication was less than helpful when I needed him to be focused. I had problems too and his redirecting was pushing me away.

    To my amazement he responded with humility which gave me hope. It took a long time for us to work out common ground so we both felt validated, but we got there in the end.

    I'm not sure if you both really want this relationship to work, but if you do, it's a long haul with trial and error leading the charge. Are you willing to spend your time dealing with his idiosyncrasies without his cooperation? It takes two...

    In my case we ended up splitting due to his 'secrets' that came out down the track. The thing is, even though we split after everything we'd been thru, I'd learned so much about myself and communication with others. I'm grateful even though it hurt.

    So where are you in all this? I'm still hearing you complain about him. What is it you want to achieve for yourself and your relationship?

    I know you love Mr, but do you like him?

    Looking forward to hearing from you;

    Sez

  5. MrSheffield
    MrSheffield avatar
    4 posts
    14 April 2018 in reply to Just Sara

    Hey Sez,

    That's the thing at one point I thought hey i'll give it 6 months, living in hope that i'd see some baby steps and then you lose count and time wanders on from one drama to the next.

    Is it possible to like someone who drives you up the wall at times. Today was a great example so 'us' as a couple or non-existent online, I gave up posting online when where away on holidays, Mr has my parents on Facebook.

    My mum tagged someone in one of his photos and all hell broke loose, we had adjusted his setting to tagged items don't show to anyone else but I had forgotten this.

    I put my foot down and looked after me, I made a stand and I said i'm not going to monitor and adjust other people's behaviour or actions that are 'normal' because he chooses to live in the closet. I can appreciate his concerns; however, that is his choice and if it keeps him on edge as such that something like this should occur I suggested he remove anyone who may make these posts.

    I do like him, it's almost like being in a relationship with a younger brother. You know the shit head that drives you up the wall.

    To be honest i've been holding my breath that he would seek/or do something to help himself. I'm starting to think that this is not a healthy place to be in for me as i'm waiting for a different version of him to appear so i'm happy. Saying it out loud makes it sound even worse, I need to take him as he is otherwise it's changing someone isn't it? Part of me feels guilty that I should help him, but you can't fix someone right?

    Hope your having a nice weekend.

    Mr S

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Just Sara
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    Just Sara avatar
    3397 posts
    14 April 2018 in reply to MrSheffield

    Thanks Mr S;

    A toxic relationship's the worst! Waiting for him to become Mr Wonderful isn't realistic as you know. You're right; you can't change anyone but yourself.

    It's this stage that challenges us to our core. One of the greatest lines from a movie is; "I've become accustomed to your face"

    The obvious point about this is pulling away from habitual life as you've known it. His face is there when you wake and there before sleep. You've adapted your responses to suit his and find yourself living a life that doesn't belong to you anymore.

    It's sort of like an addiction you know; continuing to remember the good times and how great they felt can keep you imprisoned and makes it so bloody hard to 'give up'. I know the drill well and truly.

    I think it's great you're talking on here. You're getting those feelings out of your head and onto the page. That's a plus to help the brain cope; you can't have a functional conversation with yourself eh?

    Social media's a topic that regularly comes up on the forum. I only visit my fb account once every blue moon as it tends to trigger me trying to talk with so many people at once. Nothing's sacred...

    My weekend's going great btw; thanks for your sentiments. I was visited by my sis a little while ago. I don't get visitors so it was really lovely to talk with her.

    I hope yours goes well too. Take some time out of the house to revitalise ok. Nothing ventured nothing gained I always say.

    Take care and keep the dialog coming; it's always therapeutic to purge or shoot the breeze.

    Smiles;

    Sez x

  7. MrSheffield
    MrSheffield avatar
    4 posts
    16 April 2018 in reply to Just Sara

    Morning Sez,

    Those two sentances are really scary to read.

    "The obvious point about this is pulling away from habitual life as you've known it. His face is there when you wake and there before sleep. You've adapted your responses to suit his and find yourself living a life that doesn't belong to you anymore.
    It's sort of like an addiction you know; continuing to remember the good times and how great they felt can keep you imprisoned and makes it so bloody hard to 'give up'. I know the drill well and truly."

    I have modified my life to suit him, it's funny if I look back over my previous couple of relationships I said to myself get to know the person a bit more before jumping in. I had a picture in my head and said maybe I need someone who is financially savvy or is at least trying and maybe owns property. The previous two before Mr were financial disasters.

    Mr had part of those attributes, part of me said someone who own's a couple of properties under their belt must have their proverbial in one sock. At one stage I was literally hiding in his closet when certain people came to his door. This slowly changed; however, at the start I was reading books like the 'Red Flag Book' etc and a few things were popping up, but he didn't seem like the usual case.

    That's where the don't give up on him attitude has kicked in, flogging the dead horse is not working and he ain't drinking the water. There have been ocasional pit stops on the marathon with bottles of water but no great bounds.

    If I met someone tomorrow and went on a date and someone exhibited these same traits straight up, I hate to say it but i'd probably run a mile. Or if I had my wits about me I would.

    I was reading something the other day about relationships and it read something like, if your really in love with someone you don't pick at their faults. If you start picking at things or things annoy you there is something not right. I envisage a partner that is positive about life, yes there will be ups, down and challenges but someone to inspire and encourage me for a change, rather than me being the sole person. Ya know encouraging each other.

    Anyway, thanks for the response mean alot to hear someone echo where I'm coming from, your a gem.

    Thanks

    Mr S

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Just Sara
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    Just Sara avatar
    3397 posts
    17 April 2018 in reply to MrSheffield

    You know what's really great about your last entry Mr S? You're talking about yourself and not Mr. A couple of posts ago it was he this and he that. Now I'm reading 'I' statements. It's great!

    You're looking back at previous relationships to understand choice and what that means. This is therapeutic I feel. It's not so much about them as it is about how you go about making decisions; past and present.

    The common denominator's always you no matter who you've been with. This is where the real learning happens. The thing is; we try so hard to choose people by different processes of elimination, (as you've done) then realise they have choice too. Hmm..why me? We ask...or we should!

    Hun..you're just what the Dr ordered! Where would Mr be without you? He's got it so good! How did you guys meet and did you have a long or short courtship (ooh; old fashioned word lol) before moving in?

    I think you're right about getting to know people before you jump into cohabitation; the 'wooing' stage can be so much fun. If you allow it to run its course and find time to discuss important issues along the way, it's far better for the long haul.

    Hindsight's a mighty gift for personal growth hey. I've learned so much about 'me' thru looking at the commonalities of past relationships. One of the biggest was not leaving when I should've. I stayed, and stayed AND stayed! Thru crap I never thought I'd put up with. Whew! I guess that's what drew me to you.

    If you're also looking at staying, you really need to lay it on the line; no if's, but's or maybe's. I can't stress this enough ok. And, identify 'deal breakers' and stick to them! If you don't, you're ignoring/abusing yourself in a big way.

    Keep talking ok. I think we're both getting something out of it tbh.

    Take care and time out for you;

    Sez x

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