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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Coming out to best friend?!?!?

Topic: Coming out to best friend?!?!?

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. brightpanic
    brightpanic avatar
    2 posts
    10 October 2018

    I’ve never done this before so sorry if I get anything wrong, and it’s also a topic that I tend to be pretty nervous about so if I sound kind of all over the place, that’s probably why.

    Anyways so I’m having a sleepover with my best friend tomorrow night (conveniently coming out day which I swear wasn’t planned) and I was thinking of coming out to her but I don’t really know how to go about it? Like I think she supports the LGBTQ+ community, but I’m scared I’m gonna say something and she’s going to hate me or things will be weird between us - shes straight (as far as I know) and I don’t have any feelings for her so that’s not an issue, I just dont know how to not make it weird - and how do you know what label to use as well? I feel like I’m pansexual, but should I just say bi or even just say I like people and don’t really have a preference so she understands?

    AND on top of that, I have anxiety (which is still being a real pain), depression (which has been getting better) and OCD tendencies so I’m really really nervous about it

    My parents support me, and though they might not understand it completely, then accepting me isn’t an issue.

    I just really need help, and coming out and even being gay in the first place has really stressed me out and made me anxious, and I feel like I’m lying to people and putting on a pretend face when I’m out with friends and it’s really really sucky (sorry not the best at expressing myself) - I feel like I need to tell my friend, but yeh, anyone have any tips?

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10207 posts
    10 October 2018 in reply to brightpanic

    Dear Brightpanic~

    Welcome here, you described your problem every well and of course it is a frightening thing.

    I'd like to make a couple of points for the to consider. The first is this person is a friend, and I suspect would not be a friend if she did not have the sort of traits a friend needs, which includes kindness, consideration and a liking for you. Such a person can probably be relied upon.

    Second you friend is OK with LGBTIQ, so there is no battle to justify this in general.

    If it was me in you situation I think my main fear would be that when I started talking about this she would feel I was coming on to her, which might not be welcome.

    I think I might just say in passing when the conversation lent itself to doing that so I fancied someone, maybe a YouTube identity, singer or even someone local you do rather like. That will let her know how you identify and also that you are not coming on to her.

    I'd not try to define yourself in terms of labels. There's no need.

    As for putting on a face with others, that might be simple self-defense, not everyone thinks as they should. One step at a time.

    I'm glad your parents love and support you, it gives a wonderful base.

    You know you are welcome to talk about things here anytime

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  3. marcus_c
    marcus_c avatar
    92 posts
    11 October 2018
    Hi brightpanic, I like Croix's advice. When you think about it, straight people never have to come out, it just becomes obvious through their behaviour, and that includes talking about who they're attracted to in everyday conversation.

    You say that you feel like you're lying to people and putting on a pretend face with friends. Maybe have a think about the person you would ideally like to be when you're around your friends. How would that be different to what you're doing now? Would you behave any differently? Would there be things you'd like to say that you currently stop yourself from saying? What would you say if you had no 'filter'?

    There's no need to put a label on yourself, but we live in a world where people like to put everyone into boxes, so you may get asked. If you do, you can say you're still figuring it out, which is the truth.
    1 person found this helpful
  4. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
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    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    11 October 2018 in reply to brightpanic

    Dear brightpanic,

    I'm glad you've come here to get some support.

    You explained your situation very clearly.

    I like what Croix and Marcus Have written to you. Both very sensible and wise.

    I had never heard of Coming Out Day until you said it, so Happy Coming Out Day today!

    It is so, so good that your parents support you, this is a major positive in your journey, so many never have this behind them. I'm really happy for you.

    I understand what it's like to be a young person wanting to come out, and I understand having anxiety - put together can be pretty much an overload of stress.

    I just wanted to give you my support, but also wanted to add that I would like you to not put pressure on yourself to come out until you are ready. If you feel ready, then go for it, but there is no hurry.

    Even if you feel like you're lying to others ... you're not. You're just learning who you are, discovering the different layers of your self.

    This is Your Truth, and it's a treasure, and can be private for as long as you want and need.

    There is no hurry to give yourself a label, or tell anyone until you're absolutely ready.

    I hope you feel you can come here and talk any time.

    I hope your sleepover is fun .... and remember: no pressuring yourself.

    Be good to you.

    🌻birdy

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