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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Gay, Unmotivated and Frustrated

Topic: Gay, Unmotivated and Frustrated

10 posts, 0 answered
  1. TD4x
    TD4x avatar
    4 posts
    22 March 2018

    I thought I'd write this to try and sort out my life, I think being sexually deviant is pretty conducive to a train wreck.

    I've known I was gay since late primary school. I've hated myself since I was around 10, and am now 18 and the feelings are only just starting to subside. I looked at myself and saw a weak weedy boy who was an embarrassment to be around, and anyone that fostered him was doing a favour. I lack the sophistication of words to really explain what I've felt over the years, especially because I have a terrible memory (which scares me, because I forget what I've been through). My "friends" tease me on group chats, targeting me for fun. The very same friends are also those I have deep and meaningful conversations with when I'm drunk, and they say they value me as a friend. I feel like I'm being exploited as a part-time friend for when they need help. They teased me about being gay (my last name rhymes with "gay"), and they never knew (maybe suspected). I feel trapped in the wrong group of friends; they are generally very different people. They dislike intellectual discussions, they're not very empathetic and they're also very reliant on and heavily perpetuate groupthink and toxic peer pressure, which is especially awful when targeting me in what they excuse as "banter".

    Naturally I sought validation in other areas - I joined clubs at university, but feel as if I'm constantly in the shadow of my brother, who is selected frequently to participate in competitions where I fail. I recently had the opportunity to sleep with another guy, but typing or even thinking the word "gay" is hard enough for me, let alone overtly entering into a relationship (I was too scared to do more than stroke his hair). My family doesn't know, and are quite conservative. I think my parents may suspect something, and have pried a few times, but ultimately having lived with them for all my life I know what they really think about "the gays" and would probably just pity me rather than actually support me. I know I shouldn't feel this way, as I study a respectable degree, have several constructive hobbies and exams would suggest I'm reasonably smart, but sometimes I just feel incredibly stupid, unattractive and helpless to anxiety. My family has never been really supportive of anything I've engaged in, and I just feel very mediocre. I know I'm nothing special, but I consistently feel unmotivated and pessimistic.

    Thank you for reading

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Johnny_11
    Johnny_11 avatar
    28 posts
    22 March 2018 in reply to TD4x

    hey buddy, you don't sound mediocre at all, you sound very smart and accomplished for someone your age. I wish I could express myself the way you do.

    You've been brought up in a family and society that doesn't value gay people, so from an early age you've probably thought there is something deeply wrong with you and your family won't accept it, so you've had to hide it. I think a lot of gat people experience the same feelings.

    You're still very young, and the world is changing. You need to make new friends, I think that would really help.

    3 people found this helpful
  3. Just Sara
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    3397 posts
    22 March 2018 in reply to TD4x

    Hey TD and welcome to the forum;

    My goodness; you've got such a beautiful mind but struggle with your own truth. I know this place well my young friend. I'm here, as are others, to support you thru this if you're up to the challenge; you're so worth it!

    Btw, my last name rhymed with fart!

    One of the unfortunate consequences of having all this access to information online, is being subjected to a literal world of comparisons. "I should be like this or like that and my life's a mess because I shouldn't be thinking this or that way."

    The reality though, is you're just as screwed up as the rest of us were/are at your age.

    You've had 18 yrs to develop your sense of self, and only 13 of those yrs have been with the faculty of language! And for 8 yrs you've known about your sexuality.

    Out of those 8 you've studied your guts out, developed friendships, (dysfunctional or not) gone thru puberty, never had a true sense of individuality and was subjected to world views, including those of your family, that call into question your true nature as a gay man.

    How am I doing? This mess you call life, is as it should be; bloody confusing and emotional. Expectations of yourself and others needs to be put into perspective if you want to get thru your teens, 20's, 30's and 40's fairly unscathed.

    Each stage of your development is a 'Rite of Passage' or gateway into the next phase of your life. Each comes with specific challenges and achievements to move forward.

    It's like Math's; one can't do division until addition and subtraction's mastered. Algebra's either got, or not! No point struggling if you're not doing a science major right?

    Your grades are great and in a good field! You have friends, bad ones or not, they're there. Your family seem caring; you're self aware and eager to face life head on. Wow!

    That's a huge advantage over many others. Please, please let yourself off the hook! What you've achieved in 18 yrs is an absolute credit to you and your folks.

    Do you think people naturally move onto sex without fear and self doubt? Hell no! Ask anyone, it's an emotional nightmare. What you describe is as normal as it gets hun. One step at a time, only when you're ready ok.

    I've run out of space, so I hope I've helped you put your life into perspective; it's not all bad, just 'new'. One day it'll be laughed about, I guarantee it..

    Kind thoughts;

    Sez (Please come back and talk ok)

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Just Sara
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    22 March 2018 in reply to TD4x

    Just an addit to my last post TD..

    I didn't come out until my 50's. Ask me about my teens.. I didn't have a name for what I felt. No psychologists or friends to talk with, I was ignorant and on my own.

    But, I survived. I'm now here talking to you with a bucket load of knowledge and insight to share. I did my time, and now it's your turn. Where will you be in 40 yrs?

    Every step you take will lead onto a new adventure, whether it's tough sailing, or clear sky's. At the end of the day you'll look back and say, "I'm so glad I did the hard yards because without them, I wouldn't be the man I am today"

    Warmest thoughts;

    Sez

    1 person found this helpful
  5. TD4x
    TD4x avatar
    4 posts
    8 April 2018

    Thanks a lot for the responses everyone, I hugely appreciate your perspectives! (Sorry for the late reply, I wasn't really comfortable about posting here to begin with, but now I see it's worth it).

    I totally agree, dysfunction is normal (especially in adolescence) and I should probably stop correlating so much of it with sexuality. I think the thing that set me off to write here was what I read online on places like facebook and well respected papers (the Australian etc). Just recently there was the issue of Israel Folau's comment that "gays should go to hell". This comment didn't bother me so much as the public response that followed - (and I don't know what percentage of people actually take this opinion, but facebook comments are echo chambers of incivility and often really thoughtlessly far-right opinions) - people defended Folau's right to "free speech", saying that he was allowed to have this opinion, and that it was being shut down by the 'far-left, censoring and monitoring brigade of LGBT-ABCXYZ people'. I know reading crap like that is a poor decision; I don't know why but I feel like I need to know what people think. The only explanation I can give for myself is that Folau's supporters are apathetic people who'd only considered the impact of his statement upon themselves. Folau was given that position (and hence vocal power/reach) by the rugby board, and so his words should reflect the morality of an institution which claims to be (in a forum that is diametrically opposed to un-manliness) for the wellbeing of all its constituents. The people who defended him failed to realised that Folau is a role model to hundreds of thousands of people, some of which will inevitably include gay people who will feel victimised and ostracised as a result. I think the thing missing in the entire gay pride debate is empathy - I watched my mother complain about gay pride being forced upon her company by its CEO, while in the same breath talked about how women need to push for change if they really want it to happen.

    Sorry for the rant, I just wish some people had more empathy. The reason I logged back on is because I spent last night listening to a couple of friends talk about how they were proud to vote no, while some friends I'd told I was gay listened on awkwardly and covertly watched me for reactions (of which there were none, I've heard it all before, they seemed surprised).

    Also thanks Johnny_11, I really do need some new friends.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. TD4x
    TD4x avatar
    4 posts
    8 April 2018 in reply to Just Sara
    Thank you so much for sharing Sez. I honestly can't imagine what it would have been like for gay people in the past who didn't have the bubble of protection (although not very solid it's definitely better than nothing) that I do now. I'm really sorry that you had to go through that. I suppose most of us will end up accepting ourselves sooner or later, whether it's with or without the people we care about (there are always new people to care about, but some are hard/impossible to replace). If you don't mind me asking, how did you deal with your sexuality in the past? Thanks
    3 people found this helpful
  7. Just Sara
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    3397 posts
    8 April 2018 in reply to TD4x

    'If you don't mind me asking, how did you deal with your sexuality in the past?'

    Hi TD;

    Answer? I didn't...I lived in ignorance and winged it.

    You've actually caught me off guard. I haven't spoken of those stirrings for a long time. I need to go out but I wanted you to know I've seen your post and will get back as soon as I can to answer you. Probably later on this arvo or early evening. I'll need time to sort thru my thoughts as you've given me quite a challenge. (Thankyou..)

    Until then, warm thoughts;

    Sez x

    You've challenged me to be honest.

  8. Just Sara
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    9 April 2018 in reply to Just Sara

    Cont;

    I'm back a bit later than I thought TD; I'll do my best, but I'm not sure it's going to be very helpful I'm afraid.

    Growing up I liked girls and boys with feelings that touched my body/heart. My first kiss was at 8 with a boy a yr younger. (Quite a cougar in those days lol)

    At 11 I had a sleepover at my gf's and stayed in a caravan. She put music on and did a striptease for me...girl stirrings... At school I had crushes on both sexes.

    My first sexual encounter was with my abuser at 11. Nuff said about that..

    Afterwards, my life began to spiral. It's a very confusing and awkward time to talk about. I've loved women and men, slept with both and have been sexually assaulted by both. This makes me an inappropriate candidate for your querie I feel.

    What I know, is who I loved or was attracted to. I think men and women are a feast for the senses.

    I always fell for straight women; at least in the beginning. In my teens I stole a book from the library about sex. There was a homosexual section I kept wanting to look thru, but didn't understand the terms and references. I was 16 then.

    One thing I do know TD; I never judged others when it came to sexuality. I'm proud of myself for that. It wasn't always that way for me though. I hid my feelings for women from family, only one sister knows, even today.

    I live alone and haven't ventured out to find love for two yrs. My last encounter (from a lesbian dating site) went very wrong and I ended up in a psych ward for a couple of weeks. Nuff said about that too..

    All I can advise TD is to listen to your body and heart. Follow what 'feels' right, and experiment if you want. There are clubs you can source as well as lgbti groups for travel or activities for instance.

    I'm sorry I don't have anything else to contribute. There's not many lgbti active BB members atm, but I may try to swing a couple your way hun. I feel bad I've not been much help.

    There are other sites that might be better in terms of sexuality. It's more about mental health here on BB.

    You take care ok. I wish you well in your travels...

    Sez

    1 person found this helpful
  9. TD4x
    TD4x avatar
    4 posts
    19 April 2018 in reply to Just Sara

    Thanks Sez :) Sorry about the bad parts of that story and I hope you're feeling better now...

    Good luck in the future, I genuinely hope you find someone (keep looking)!! You sound like an amazing person and you've actually really helped me figure some stuff out :)

    Thank you and good luck!

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Just Sara
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    3397 posts
    19 April 2018 in reply to TD4x

    Hi TD;

    I'm not sure if you'll see this, but I'm really glad you got something out of my posts; it's important to me.

    Thankyou for your concern and nice comments too. I'm in a peaceful place due to hard work, acceptance and managing MH issues caused thru sexual assault.

    Take care;

    I wish you all the best in every endeavour...

    Sez x

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