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Forums / Staying well / I don't know if anyone feels like I do???

Topic: I don't know if anyone feels like I do???

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. Leonay
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Leonay avatar
    10 posts
    28 June 2021

    This is a poem I wrote while in crisis and I don't know if it makes sense at all (it is a little rough but I have left it raw as it was written just to explain to people I know how I felt and they don't understand)...

    I don’t know quite just what to do a hurdle has come my way

    An obstacle so frightening I’m scared I’ll lose my way
    I know just where I have been and what its like down there
    The Black Dog is again barking and I’m caught up in its snare

    I know its not the right thing but I cannot see the light
    I’m frightened of spending another second let alone another night
    Feeling the way that I do where my emotions are on full burst
    Wanting to end everything, wanting it with such thirst

    I’m frightened of going backwards to hospital again
    Because I’m suicidal and I feel alone without a friend
    I feel like I've let everyone down, every person that I love
    I feel like they’ll get freedom from a peaceful flying dove

    If I can just go quietly into the night and not wake
    Everyone will be better off and for me they won’t need to be fake
    They can be with who they want to and be happy one and all
    They can free themselves from my shackles and stop their personal fall

    For I am but a burden causing not a thing but great pain
    For everyone around me again again again
    I feel like it is time for me to be a man and do what’s right for all
    To end the pain and suffering and end it for them all.

    Please don’t send me away from here I trust you oh so much
    This is but my one last chance to save me from the things that hurt so much
    Please help me to understand how to manage how I feel
    I’m on the edge this very second and for me this is definitely real.

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5921 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to Leonay
    Hi Leonay, 

    We can hear in your writing that you have been through some really tough times, we hope that you are feeling at least a bit better now. Thank you for showing the courage to post to the forums today, you never know who will see your work and feel a little bit less alone in their struggles. 

    We want to make sure that you are ok, we think it would be great for you to give us a call on 1300 22 4636. Our team are wonderful and listening and offering a helping hand. 

    Thanks again for posting, we can hear that you have been through a lot and we are so thankful that you are here sharing and offering support and validation to others in that position. 

    Kind regards ,
    Sophie M
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1565 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to Leonay
    Made me cry. You've really captured this shared experience. It does feel lonely, but it's a shared experience. Stick here with us x
    1 person found this helpful
  4. MissPink13
    MissPink13 avatar
    8 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to Leonay

    Leonay, this is a beautiful poem you have written!

    I have recently started something called dot journaling. It’s an old trend, but I have been writing quotes and poems from Pinterest in there with pictures I have drawn. I wonder if you could start something like this too? Or even putting your words to music.

    I hope you share this poem with people closest to you so they can understand how you are feeling the best they can. It’s hard for some people, they don’t always understand. From your words alone, you sound so clever and brilliant and I am sure your closest support would love to be able to help you see how amazing you are!

    Hang on a little longer, these days will pass and you will see for yourself what the world has to offer you.

    I hope you could start a thread with some more lovely poems. It is truly a gift x

    Sending you all my love and strength

    1 person found this helpful
  5. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    12349 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to Leonay

    Leonay

    I really found your poem so moving. You write very expressively .

    Your words will help all those reading.

    You are not alone and we are listening.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Leonay
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Leonay avatar
    10 posts
    29 June 2021

    Thanks to everyone for your responses. Unfortunately most of my poems are far too long for these forums so I can't share them. I will go through and see if I can share any others.

    I do find it easier to put words to paper than to speak them. I hated writing as a child and it has only been through my darkest times that I have found the ability to get my jumbled up thoughts down on paper. It is wonderful for me to know that people understand what I am feeling. I have shared my poems with my family and some close work colleagues and no one understands. It is nice to know someone does. It helps with the isolation.

    Take care everyone and be kind to yourself and those around you.

  7. Leonay
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Leonay avatar
    10 posts
    29 June 2021

    I Don’t Want To Be The Victim

    This morning was a challenge with the group work at the start
    It wasn’t about feelings, sport or even art
    We spoke about a triangle and maths it definitely wasn’t
    A triangle of drama that hinders our lives in such a torrent

    I realised I was thinking of myself us such a victim
    Everyone against me, I’m a loser and I am stricken
    But what I suddenly realised is that things are not that simple
    I am also a rescuer and persecutor to myself I needed to rekindle

    I need to face my problems and see that no one else can solve them
    I need to accept I have some things that for me are a major problem
    I went out quick and bought some stuff to jot down my ideas
    And plan some solutions but from the staff I might need them to lend an ear

    You see it easy to be the sufferer and to feel like everyone else is to blame
    For all my woes and worries and for making me insane
    But what I soon did realise was that I had much more control
    Over every situation about my positive and negative poles

    I need to think of solutions and not be scared to feel glee
    I need to make my own choice as to what will work for me
    For no one else can make the choice for my personal direction
    I need to face some really hard and difficult selections

    So I have bought a notebook which is not that big a deal
    But for me it is the first steps to helping me feel real
    For now I can document the issues that I face
    I can write and list all the things I need deal with at pace

    I can also list the daily chores that I need to complete to be fair
    I need to split the chores like washing, ironing and putting the socks in pairs
    I need to list my schoolwork that is important, mild or major
    To prioritise my day and get really organised so I’m not a failure

    From here I can start to take the steps to control the words in my head
    I can begin to develop a strategy so I’m calmer when I go to bed
    For night time for me is so damn tough to get my mind to stop
    Because there are so many things it feels like my mind will pop

    I’m taking but a baby step right now to sort myself out
    But I baby step is better than continuing to freak out
    I know the people here will help if I get stuck or confused
    I know that they can calm me down and help my thoughts diffuse

    Ultimately what I’ve found is I am in control
    Of all of my decisions and the things that I control
    I cannot change the way you feel or what you say to me
    But I can change the way I feel about you and allow my feelings to be free.

  8. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1565 posts
    29 June 2021 in reply to Leonay

    Gosh! Perhaps I best stay off this thread - made me cry again! You definitely have a knack with words and there's so much pain but so much hope in this one. Keep writing! x

    (And, no, I won't be staying off this thread!) <3

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Leonay
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Leonay avatar
    10 posts
    29 June 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Sorry to make you cry. That was not my intent. I just put down my thoughts. Some say I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve and need to toughen up which I agree with to a degree... perhaps I wouldn't be bullied constantly at work. But for me this is just one outlet.

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