Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Staying well / I feel so incredibly alone

Topic: I feel so incredibly alone

  1. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    24 May 2019

    Im struggling in so many ways, not sure where to begin....

    i have no friends, not even online and I feel so alone. I go to the library everyday feeling so alone.

    i have so many medical issues. Ive been on poverty-line newstart allowance since november last year. I am waiting to hear if my disability pension claim has been approved or rejected - the waiting is causing me severe anxiety. Everything is now with the processing team including the last phase gp medical assessment. Im terrified I will be rejected as I am not able to work or study.

    The only place I can afford to rent does not allow pets, Im so depressed without an animal in my life. Im struggling so badly with this. I have always had a dog.

    I am seeing a lady who often wants time alone, to be with her kids alone and to see her friends alone. Im struggling with this because I feel I am not important, financial or good enough for her to want to spend time with me. She tells me she feels guilty when she needs these things, that it shouldnt be ‘ this difficult or hard’. I wonder what I am doing wrong. I want so much to make her happy.

    I hope i can find some friends on here for support, I dont want to be alone like this anymore.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Summer Rose avatar
    1547 posts
    24 May 2019 in reply to Camellias

    Hi Camellias

    I'm really sorry to learn of your struggles and keen to reach out a hand of support and friendship.

    I think you've made a smart move posting the way you did, as there are many kind and wonderful people here. There is also a purely social area on the forum, which may be of interest to you.

    I love books and libraries and hope yours is terrific. I'm wondering if your library has any clubs or events or volunteer opportunities? If it does, this could provide a way to meet some like-minded people and perhaps start a friendship.

    I'm also wondering if you have sought professional help for your anxiety and depression? If not, your GP is the best place to start--with a double appointment so you have plenty of time to talk.

    You've got a lot on your plate but you're hanging in there. With the right mental health treatment life can get better.

    Kind thoughts to you

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    24 May 2019 in reply to Summer Rose

    Thank you @Summer Rose

    I desperately need a friend and support.

    I sought help from my GP last year. The mental health plan didn’t actually help. I know now what I needed is a friend.

    I feel so alone, even when sitting amongst books at the library. I have no purpose, no animals to bring me joy.

    I just want to thank you for your reply. What is the social area on here which may be of help to me?

    I wish so much I had a friend to talk too, I don’t like feeling so alone.

    The library is the only place I can go I know of here where I live.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Summer Rose avatar
    1547 posts
    25 May 2019 in reply to Camellias

    Hi Camellias

    If you look under the tab "all posts", you will find the "BB Social Zone". Have a look through there and join in wherever you like.

    I hear you about your first experience with your gp. But I would really encourage you to keep trying. It's hard (I know because I have been there) but it can really pay off. With the right treatment, most people do recover from depression and anxiety.

    I hear you about needing a friend, too. Libraries are wonderful but hard to start up a conversation with a fellow book lover, as per the need to be quiet. That's why it might help to see if there are any clubs, reading groups or volunteer opportunities at your library. At least you would have something in common with the people you would meet. It's a start.

    Making friends as an adult is hard. I have always found neighbors a great source of friendship. And I always make the most of casual encounters. Just having a chat with your barista or the person at the post office or grocery store can really brighten your day.

    Maybe visiting your local dog park would help. Take some treats and share them with the dogs you meet. You might find a nice conversation with the owner follows.

    Of course, posting here is also a source of social interaction and support. I am happy to chat anytime.

    By way of introduction, I'm an old writer who through life as found myself owning and helping to run a business. Married 30 years, adult children. Very pleased to meet you.

    Kind thoughts to you

    2 people found this helpful
  5. B bear
    B bear  avatar
    27 posts
    25 May 2019
    Hi there Camellias. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I was thinking volunteering at an animal shelter might be a good idea. Giving back always seems to lift ones spirits plus since you love animals you would get to spend time with a heap of fury friends as well as meeting new people. If this isn’t for you there are a ton of other avenues to meet people depending on your age and interests. I hope it works out for you mate.
    2 people found this helpful
  6. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    25 May 2019 in reply to Summer Rose

    Hi Summer Rose

    It is nice to meet you too. I feel very honoured that there are kind people like yourself on here, offering their time to assist others.

    I would feel a purpose visiting dog shelter as much as possible however where I live it’s 1-2 hours drive to the nearest one. Due to my health I’m unable to do this, very upsetting as I know I connect so well with animals and Im sure they need cuddles as much as I do.

    I try to talk to people I pass with dogs but they generally like to keep to themselves. I don’t know of any dog parks nearby, that would have been nice too.

    I hope I can find support here I need it almost daily. I’m sure so many folks have friends and family to support them, I just seem to be in the dark compared to most.

    Its so hard to meet people or make friends as an adult. I always had a dog to break that silence and meet new people. It seemed to cancel out my health barriers and people would just focus on my dog. Not many people want to stop to talk to a lonely 40’s something guy.

    i love gardening and animals. I’ve lived in this place for a year and I still cannot find anyone to connect with.

    Everywhere I look is now filled with memories of a relationship I can no longer steer right. I need purpose as I’m no longer needed and cast aside, I now feel helplessly lost and discarded.

    I wish I was as accomplished as you are Summer Rose with grown children, happy marriage and your own business. Mostly I wish I just had friends.

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    25 May 2019 in reply to B bear

    Hi B bear

    Thanks for reaching out. It would be just great to visit a animal shelter something I’d feel a good sense of purpose with. It’s just that there isn’t any nearby. There isn’t much around where I live. Driving is difficult now as is public transport. I try to find local avenues something to do with animals or gardening. So far I’ve been out of luck.

    Ive always had dogs for as long as I can remember. I had to find somewhere to live ASAP last year and the only place I could afford does not allow any pets so this has lead to a great deep hole in my life. It makes it harder for me to approach people, start conversations etc.

    Im not able to work or study. What I enjoy about animals is so many things but mostly how you don’t need money to enjoy their company. It’s just pure TLC.

    I’m stuck where I am. Today it’s a beautiful day outside and I’m stuck inside.

    Id even settle for a cat but then I’d be evicted. And we all need a roof over our head.

    Thanks for the chat mate

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    25 May 2019 in reply to Camellias
    Dear Camellias,

    Hello again 😊

    If there is a local Neighbourhood Centre in your area, you could volunteer your time to visit socially isolated people, or go to the library for them, or do their weeding/gardening for them?

    If there is a Community Garden closeby that would be a lovely place for you to spend time, doing some gardening and meeting like-minded people.

    If there is a home for the elderly in your vicinity, you could offer to visit a resident who has no family, maybe read to them or play cards with them?

    It's so hard being lonely and feeling disconnected. The above ideas are things that helped me when I moved to a new area where I knew nobody and felt lost. I love gardening too 😊

    🌻birdy
    2 people found this helpful
  9. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    25 May 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Hi Birdy - again :)

    It sure is hard to find your place when in a new area. It is a lovely place to live but I’m very lonely.

    There is a local neighbourhood garden centre, where I could help on the gardens. The only reason I have not helped there is because the form i have to complete for insurance purposes is very intrusive. It’s the only reason I have not gone there often.

    I thought I had found peace living here, at my own apartment but in the same town as my girlfriend, her kids. I thought I was slowly becoming apart of their world and becoming a family. Im still thinking about your post and how spot on you were earlier, how you understood so well. I wish we lived close so I could chat with you as it is so hard to find someone who has been through the same things. You’ve even gone through the whole new town, loneliness, disconnected situation.

    I know I need help to get through this.

    I miss having a large garden to maintain and grow things. I was helping my girlfriend with hers, again I think she thought I was taking over that too so I stopped helping her.

    What is your favourite things to garden?

    🌺

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    25 May 2019 in reply to Camellias
    Dear Camellias,

    That is the wonderful thing about these forums is that no matter where we are in this country, we can chat and get some support and different perspectives from those who have experienced similar things or who have an understanding or just the heart to listen to our innermost thoughts and worries. It's a special place.

    What a pain that the Community Garden has all those forms to fill in (or maybe it's a retail garden centre, which I would kinda understand?). The one i hardened at was really cruisy, when it was chilly we lit a fire and shared soup. Pretty nice 😊. Loads of introverts too, extra awesome.

    I can understand missing your big garden. The block on which your apartment sits, is there scope to dig a little patch and sow some flower seeds? Set up a composting area? Build a vegetable patch? You might need to ask, no harm in trying?

    In dire need of a garden space, I once spruced up the planter boxes at the local train station/village shops. From memory I think I wrote an email to the council, offered my time and labour if they covered the cost of some potting mix and seedlings for flowers.

    You could also put a little notice at the shops (people still read them!) offering voluntary gardening for the elderly for an hour a week or something?

    I especially love my vegetable patch, and am a bit obsessed with growing my own garlic and greens (all kinds of herbs, rocket, sliverbeet, beetroot, asparagus, book choy etc) as these are so expensive to buy and easy to grow. I always try to have flowers in at least a small patch through all seasons for the bees. I have recently planted avocados and and going to try espalier one up a fence (never done it, could be a disaster!).

    I also love perennials and trees ... I just love growing plants!

    What about you, what are your favourite things to grow and nurture?

    🌻birdy
    2 people found this helpful
  11. Fi23
    Fi23 avatar
    1 posts
    25 May 2019 in reply to Camellias
    Hi Camellias,

    I don't have any friends outside of my family, and although I try and "hold it all together" I feel really lonely too. I also love animals, I'm living at home because I can't find a pet friendly apartment that I can afford (also on Newstart) and I'm here with my little cat and my mums dog and they both send you lots of doggie and kitty licks and cuddles. I started pet sitting a couple of years ago, and although it's not a lot of money and I still fell lonely without any friends, getting to spend so much time with animals is really nice. I'm not sure if you're able/want to pet sit, but it's an option to spend more time with animals when you can't have your own.
    From one friendless soul to another, I'm sending you a hug.
    1 person found this helpful
  12. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    25 May 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Dear Birdy

    Thank you for your wonderful reply, you’ve truly helped me today, it’s always the little things that matter, right?

    The garden centre does do some retail, all profits go to the church or such I believe but on the form I would be ticking ‘garden only’ it’s still really invasive questions, some medical I do not wish to share. Also they want a person to contact in emergency and I don’t have one. It’s 6months or so I could have been contributing to the gardens now but haven’t had the courage to complete the form. The manager is so kind and nice, maybe she can work with me on this. Each morning I pass her office to go to the library, the library is has free internet and power points for my phone to use, my phone is my only source of contact. I can use the internet library pc for one hour each day. That’s always a rush to type etc and I’m not fast due to balance issues.

    what amazing accomplishments you have had, I feel inspired by your stepping stones in life. I’m quite the introvert, I’ve been specific in that ‘ I want to be left alone to garden’ and apparently a few other men are the same who often stop by to the community garden section.

    I love camellias, roses, all kinds of trees like cherry blossoms through to the stone fruit tees, I seem to love all kinds of plants and am forever fascinated by what ai come across, most people think Im weird as I literally stop to smell the roses I come by.

    I have a small space about 1mx2m but it’s a weird shape sort of a stretched out triangular shape. I could die some seeds there, ask my landlord, otherwise it’s just boring patch of dirt.

    I really like the idea of volunteering to help elderly with their gardens, I don’t mean mowing but flowers, trees, watering etc I enjoy. I’d like to help elderly with their dog too, could you help me with some ideas on what to write to put on a notice board please?

    oh how I envy your gardens, veggie patch too! I too want to grow my own foods, esp veggies and herbs. What perineals and trees do you grow? I had to look up what espalier was, I wish you the best of luck growing it up the fence!

    I forgot to ask, do you like birds too?! (Your username)I’ve always loved birds, all kinds, even when people say ‘I hate magpies or cockatoos et ‘ I smile as there isn’t a bird I do not admire.

    i want to grow a cherry blossom tree(but hard where I live but possible future rental?), I also want to try to a bonsai tree indoors- do you know much about them?

    I just love growing things!

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    25 May 2019 in reply to Fi23

    Hi Fi23,

    It is nice to meet you. Thank you for responding to my little post.

    I will be your friend, It may not be in person but every connection should count as something unique, don’t you agree?.

    I appreciate you sharing some of your story with me(us) here on beyondblue- what a supportive place it is for many of us struggling. I am grateful to have my phone, monthly data to use the internet to be able to get on here and say.. Help, I am struggling, I’m lonely and I have no friends. It helps to say it, and it also hurts.

    Im am grateful to hear you have family, it is not something I have.(nil parents, nil siblings etc) I thought I had a family for a little over a year but that is slowly slipping through my hands, I just must not be strong enough or worthy of such a thing.

    Hold onto your family, I know you have expressed that deep down beyond your brave face, you struggle. Don’t give up, try to see that things will get better. Look at the lovely people here on beyond blue, what a ray of hope they are & continue to be. I’ve revisited this site the last two days & I feel a tiny bit more hopeful now.

    I am thankful for the kitty & doggy hugs you have sent! How lucky you are to have a little kitty & pooch to give you courage & comfort. It also very good you have a home for now, even though it might not be ideal. I’m in a 1 bedroom apartment it’s all I could afford as I was homeless. Like you, I live off a very poverty-line Newstart, for me that’s a diet of pasta & tea/toast. I try to get free food where I can from local cottage. Took me months to do this, I still feel shame, still feel unworthy.

    It’s so hard to find affordable place to live & I don’t know about you but I don’t want to share with strangers, people say is more affordable.

    Are you able to work or study? I know I can’t due to life long health issues. Like many others I will be waiting until I’m 90 to get a pension I so desperately need. I keep hoping, I keep praying.

    is that your kitty in your profile picture, very cute & cuddly.

    Id enjoy pet sitting just as much as you, I don’t require money but I’d find it so rewarding. Animals are such pure creatures. The problem for me is travelling, motion etc I can barely drive anymore. I’m ok if someone else is driving me. How about yourself, how do you get to and fro for the pet sitting you do? Do you have a favourite client(pooch?) Id love to hear more.

    I am sending a big hug right back to you and hope it helps brighten up your evening.

    🌺

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    26 May 2019

    Hi everyone

    Today I woke up feeling so sick nauseated and just so desperate for answers. Why the silence, why this treatment? Who in her life is making her happier and persuading her to stop seeing me.. all these questions and loneliness.

    First thing I did when I woke was check back here for messages.

    It feels like a dream. I would do anything to keep holding onto her but it just feels like she has stopped wanting me all together. The worst part is that her effort to contact me feel more like an obligation, then desire/need/want.

    I miss her soft skin, her hand in mine, her beautiful voice, her laughter, her singing, the children and so much more. I bet she doesn’t miss me an ounce.

    I see these posts of people who have experienced similar, who have survived this, some happily partnered saying it will get better. But when your inlove, the memories, the tastes, sounds are all so hard to move past.

    I even try to pin point where it all went wrong, but only she would know this. The fact is she wants more freedom, time alone and to be herself- so does this mean she isn’t herself around me? It’s easier for her to remain a single mother and have a string if men interested in her, then one man who truly loves her and treats her/her children with kindness, love & loyalty. How is that smothering, why is that too difficult or hard? I just don’t understand.

    Why isn’t she telling me these in depth things, are her friends more important to her. They are only a picture she paints, what about the real love that goes on behind the feelings she carries from her prev marriage.

    The future plans we made, how does someone just throw all that away so easily.

    I know I am the opposite of what she has had for the last few years, and I know I’m not perfect, who is. But shouldn’t all her feelings etc be told to me, don’t I deserve that after the time spent together?

    Everyone deserves friends, they are a lifeline to many. But when does it become ok that a bf is the last to know how she feels, what’s happening in her life or how easily a friend can persuade her that she isn’t happy.

    I guess so never had a chance if she is going to listen to her close friends, over my heart and soul.

    I hope everyone struggling is making it though this day in tiny steps.

    🌺

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    27 May 2019

    Being so alone is such a struggle. With no nearby dog shelters, nursing home etc for me to be able to help someone else.

    My ‘gf’ cutting me out of her life more each day. Wanting to do less with me.

    Sitting at the library hoping something in my life changes for the better, more positivity for me.

    Hoping my prayers are answered.

    🌺

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    27 May 2019 in reply to Camellias
    Dear Camellias,

    I am so sorry you are feeling so terribly sad and lonely.

    Your gf is treating you with cruelty and coldness. I wanted to clarify about the post I left on your other thread actually, as I was only going by your very first post there (and I was trying to offer you some hope). You have since come back and said a lot more about how things have been, and I wanted to say that I think she is treating you badly and that in my opinion you should end things (don't leave it up to her), as I now understand that this has been going on for some time.

    I know it's incredibly difficult, but if someone you cared about, a friend or even someone here on the forums was describing being treated the way she treats you, what would you say to them? I bet you'd tell them that they deserved better and time to break this toxic tie in their life?

    The thing is that you will not be able to move on and make room for a loving, healthy connection with anyone new while you hang on to this non-relationship.

    It hurts so much, I know, and in lots of ways, I think breaking away from toxic people is a lot harder than regular situations. You can do this though Camellias. It's a good thing it didn't go on for many years, would be even harder.

    I would be happy to help you come up with some ideas for a notice about helping in people's gardens. You mentioned the community garden is attached to a church somehow? Maybe it would be best to put up a notice there? Ask the nice manager if that would be ok?

    Talk soon.

    🌻birdy
    1 person found this helpful
  17. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Summer Rose avatar
    1547 posts
    27 May 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Hi Cameillas

    Just popping in to say g'day.

    So sorry your girlfriend isn't treating you right. Don't know the whole story but I do trust Birdy's judgement. Be kind to yourself.

    Just had a thought ... is there a hospital near you? They are often in need of volunteers. And it can be incredibly uplifting just to pop in and take a peek at the new borns. Might sound crazy, but when my dad was in hospital fighting for his life, it was the babes that helped me keep it together.

    Given there's no animal shelter near by, was also thinking about birds. Do you like to feed them? Is there a natural place in town to give it a go? Park, lake, pond, beach, woodlands? Or maybe your backyard. Birds can be our friends too.

    Kind thoughts to you

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    27 May 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Good Morning Birdy

    Its lovely to hear from you again.

    I want to help some elderly people who are alone like me, to do some gardening(small things watering etc) maybe persist their dog or just sit with someone like that in need. I’m not sure how to go about a notice for that, 4 times I’ve gone to write something and it looked awful so I haven’t pinned it on the library notice board. I was hoping the manager who is a local might know some people in need of company.

    Im so in love I can’t even pull myself up out of my mind to view this like you suggested ie if this was a friend, etc going through this what would I say or suggest. I just keep thinking about how hard it is to live without her, the children , the memories.

    Its been so hard to find someone who accepts me, for me. I truly thought I found that but maybe she has just settled for me, to fill the occasional gaps in her life.

    if I let go of her I will truly have nothing and no one to love. I so don’t want her to be the one to end it.. dont think anybody wants that.

    If I could just keep busy, could just be financially stable, things would be so much better. I want whatever my purpose is to bring someone else or others happiness, whether it’s unwanted animals, forgotten elderly people or well you get my drift.

    Im a 40 something Trans man, my whole life has been a struggle. If I thought she was the one(I don’t love for gender), thought I finally found a family/children, truly thought I was loved...how will I ever know what is the truth anymore. If that wasn’t real will i be blinded for life when it comes to love?

    Ive no friends family to physically support me. I live where the only person I really know is her. And to be honest I think she wants me gone far far from her and that hurts so deeply.

    I want someone who adores me and wants to support me vice versa. That seems me for me, etc. Someone who is Proud of me, whether I’m poor or an important businessman.

    Who will ever love me now, when I thought I had it all.

    thank you for your kind words

    thank you Summer Rose for your kind thoughts too

    🌺

    2 people found this helpful
  19. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    27 May 2019 in reply to Camellias
    Dear Camellias,

    I cannot even imagine the struggles you have had in your life. You are so courageous to be facing life as you are.

    I understand, it is so difficult, even impossible, when you are in the midst of this pain, to be able to extricate yourself and see how badly you are being treated.

    Given time, you will be able to see this, and have compassion for yourself. At the moment, I think you are not giving yourself any honour or love or gentleness.

    So, in the meantime, take some gentleness and compassion from your friends here at bb, for as long as you need, until you can start to honour your own lovely self.

    Be very kind to you.

    🌻birdy
    2 people found this helpful
  20. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    28 May 2019 in reply to Camellias
    Dear Camellias,

    Good morning 😊 how are you feeling today?

    I just wrote this down, wondered if it was a start for you, you could tweak it and make it better or different or chuck it right in the bin!! How about something like:

    "Free gardening and dogwalking available:
    If you have a garden that needs a bit of TLC, or a pet that needs walking and you are not able to, I can help.
    I have recently moved into the area and miss having a garden to tend to and a pet to care for.
    I would be delighted to help you with gardening chores such as weeding, mulching, pruning and watering, or simply raking up your autumn leaves.
    Please call or text me at: "

    🌻birdy
    2 people found this helpful
  21. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    28 May 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Good evening birdy

    Thats a wonderful idea I will use the idea

    thank you

    🌺

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    29 May 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Dear Birdy

    Im having trouble breaking it off with my gf. I feel like I have lost my self respect and dignity as a person. I worry i wont be able to find this with her in my life. im feeling really torn and it doesnt help that she lives nearby.

    Yesterday I put myself into a position that I very much regret. I cant change that i didnt speak up for myself or that I wasnt heard. I was just hurt emotionally, again.

    I was reminded that

    *if it wasnt for the help of my gf id be living on the streets. I have been reminded of this for over 6 months now. I reached out to her when I was homeless, since then she has held it against me in the most cruel manner. I thought she loved me and cared about me, apparently not.

    * Apparently I need to repay her for every shower, meal, bit of petrol she has provided me since we have met, apparently Ive been an extra mouthy to feed. Please note that every time I have eaten there, she has invited me over & she has invited me to stay. But then I am forever made to feel bad about water usage from a shower, using a power point to charge my phone, my clothes being washed, just every expense you can think of you would charge say someone boarding etc(not your beloved) like a burden. Ive loaned $150, thats all.

    * Ive been reminded of every single expense, and I am not coping. Im not feeling happy when I should be.

    * I wish I was not around her yesterday when i received my call from centrelink. You see, i received the best news possible, I won my appeal with Centrelink & I should be happy. But instead I have fallen into a emotional manipulative trap. I even tried to keep away from her when my phone rang but she kept following me, trying to listen. I should of spoke up then. I cant change that.

    *Instead of being happy for me, she pressured me into checking my centrleink app on my phone to see if i would be getting backpay. Because apparently for eating at her home when invited, having shower, washing my clothes,etc she has spent the amount of my backpay. There is no proof of this.

    *she makes me feel bad & has an answer for everything. If I leave her she will say I used her toa ll her friends. If i stay she will expect me to pay for her expenses & continue using me/hurting me emotionally, now tryingt o control my money as though I dont deserve it.

    *she immediately told her close friends my business. I know i cant control what she does, it just shows she has no respect for my privacy :(

    I Won, she has made me feel as though I have lost.

    2 people found this helpful
  23. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    29 May 2019 in reply to Camellias
    Dear Camellias,

    I am really sorry about how yesterday went, although it is really great news that you received the outcome you wanted from centrelink! I know it feels like you've lost instead of won, & that is because she is trying to take it from you. You have finally received what you are entitled to receive, she's trying to snatch it away.

    I am also very sorry to hear that she has broadcast your business to her friends. That is a massive violation of your privacy.

    As for the way she is saying you owe her for all the meals/showers etc that she has invited you over for - that is ridiculous & it is mean.

    It sounds to me like she feels she has power over you & is throwing your vulnerabilities in your face to "prove" her superiority in the relationship. This is not the way a person behaves if they love you, respect you & want the best for you.

    I very much understand how difficult it is to set boundaries & keep them strong, especially when she loves so close by.

    Are you able to stay away from her today do you think? Maybe have that as a goal for a start, & if you can, how would you feel about making some plans about setting some boundaries, maybe set out what you feel you owe her (eg. the $150 loan), things like this, practical things.

    Does she pay your rent? She says you'd be homeless without her, & even if she helped you in the past when you needed it, if you now pay your own rent, it is you who is keeping yourself housed, not she.

    I fear that her toxicity will continue to chip away at your sense of self the longer you stay connected to her.

    Of course it is up to you, but I am happy to help you nut some things out to try to rebuild some boubdaries, as well as think of some practical ways to get yourself back on your feet without her. If you want.

    We are your allies.

    🌻birdy
    2 people found this helpful
  24. demonblaster
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    demonblaster avatar
    7538 posts
    29 May 2019 in reply to Camellias

    Hi Camellia and everyone ☺

    I read some posts in the start here and your last. There's been some great suggestions and true to form at this amazing place lovely support from beautiful people. I'm glad for you and would like to join in ☺

    Loneliness is a cruel painful position to be in and certainly pulls our feelings of self worth down. I understand you feeling down on yourself. What can be of help is focusing on your good points towards liking yourself which we really need to have some semblance of security in our lives. We spend every second with ourselves in our journeys through life. In depression and hardship ill health sorry to hear all of this it can seem impossible to push through our pain and anxiety to see our goods but they're there and it can take time but well worth it.

    A couple of threads you might be interested in is "loneliness..what choices are there" there's a lot of good input there and as with anywhere you're welcome to join in. Also the bb cafe in social zone has a few members chatting on general stuff could be good as someone suggested and a way of meeting more people too. You can access these through a search or as mentioned from "All posts" and go to sections.

    Our beautiful Birdy alias tweety 🤗suggested a local community centre, just to add to that I did some volunteer at one visiting lonely people for a chat, maybe you could approach them to either as suggested volunteer or be a recipient. Also your GP might have some suggestions for outs or visits.

    I'm really sad for you how the gf is treating you. Matey in a nutshell for sure you don't need that grief. Poor form how she's carrying on. A guess that how she is, her friends would be aware of her ways and it does hurt people hearing one side but that sounds toxic to your MH.

    There are church groups around too that welcome people I know of one here, doesn't matter if or not you're religious. Once a week they cook a lovely evening meal free for lonely people. There are good people around

    I wonder if you might consider ringing a mental health line maybe here 1300224636 or lifeline who have a lot of info at hand and you could talk about your situation as well for release and of course you always have here.

    I'm a strong believer in time bringing change and very happy for you winning your appeal, one step closer to some security.

    Wishing you the very best Camellia ☺ nice meeting you 🕊

    2 people found this helpful
  25. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    29 May 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Dear birdy

    Its so nice to hear from you and thank you for your reply.

    I have my own apartment, pay my own rent, bills. She is asking me to pay for meals she has invited me over for, use of water(a shower, washing clothes as I don’t have a washing machine- I did this once a week, min clothes)petrol for times when say she helped looked for a fridge or dropped me a the dr. All these times I thought she did this because she loved me, but she has actually kept tally and is using it against me. She got me a second hand fridge for $50 and said I could pay her back whenever I got myself sorted. And $100 for rent when first got my rental apartment. I do not live with her or her with me.

    I would like some help building boundaries if that’s not trouble for you.

    I really do feel like my privacy is violated and I realise I cannot do anything about it. I can’t control what she does or her friends. Your so right she is very mean and cruel. She doesn’t appear to love me support me or respect me. It shows in her behaviours with what she does throw in my face, ‘ you owe me a lot more then that or you need a hair cut or that shirt has a stain on it’ and then there is the ‘ I’m allowed to care for you, I feel responsible for you’ it’s all just garbage.

    I will make my goal today to stay away and yes it is hard when she lives close by.

    I feel that if offer the $150 she will laugh critisize me & tell me again I owe my backpay and more. You see there is no winning with her, whatever road I choose, there is resentment anger and guilt for whatever her own issues are.

    How do I get myself back on my feet, standing tall and proud?

    I cant believe I allowed this to happen to me. It’s quite frightening.

    i have had money to eat properly today but instead I have felt like I don’t deserve it any of it

    🌺

    3 people found this helpful
  26. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    29 May 2019 in reply to Camellias
    Dear Camellias,

    Please do not start beating yourself up about how you got into this situation.

    It happened because you a met a person who seemed to be kind and generous and lovely, and who seemed to care for you and want the best for you. Gradually that peeled away to reveal the person you see before you today.

    You are a trusting, good hearted person who believes the best in people. There is nothing to feel bad about, it's just a situation which you will learn from and clear whatever lessons you needed to learn to move onto the next phase. That's how I've tried to see similar situations in my past anyway, and it has helped me not to feel extra bad about my choices.

    Did you manage to stay away from her today? If so, well done! If not, try again tomorrow?

    About tomorrow: can you make a goal and a plan to stay away from her tomorrow? It would be great if you could.

    One day at a time is the way you will get through this.

    Do you have a space in your building to get a washing machine put in (vinnies and salvos often have good 2nd hand machines). If not, is there a laundromat so you don't need to use your ex-gf's (is it ok to call her that? What would you prefer?). Just thinking of practicalities and the future so she can't keep on keeping tabs on what you owe her.

    I understand that you fear that if you break it off now, she and her friends will say you used her. But I wonder if you could start thinking about writing some things down about reasons to "have a break". Just to brainstorm. And to get some of your thoughts and feelings clear in your own head and heart.

    It actually does not matter what her friends think of you or if what has happened. But I do understand your fears.

    Boundaries are hard, but you can start building them, but by bit. You have started already. You're on your way.

    🌻birdy
    3 people found this helpful
  27. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    7 June 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Dear Birdy

    How is your garden growing?

    Im finding it so to find some sort of purpose. For over a year my routines revolved around my gf and her children. Now I wake up and wish I had purpose. Something to keep me busy, wouldnt jt be nice if I was moderating webcams for elephants for afew hiurs, something rewarding/positive like that. Instead I am waiting around to be useful to someone who doesnt seem to love me. Instead she is consumed with her children and friends, which I encourage ofcourse this is healthy but when was it ok to say ‘ what about me?’. It always seemed like I was imposing.

    I dont want my life to waste away, Im a kind person who enjoys helping others, especially animals. Its so very hard not having an animal of my own. I dont want to be alone anymore. Its still too expensive for me to move, and one hour drive to the nearest animal shelter.

    🌸

    2 people found this helpful
  28. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    8 June 2019 in reply to Camellias
    Dear Camellias,

    Well, it feels like winter (or maybe autumn at least) has finally made an appearance, so the garden has entered a different phase. Lots of lemons fruiting right now, and some spring bulbs already surfacing (narcissus, some crocus, some drumstick alliums) ... the herbaceous perennials are going off to sleep, the garlics and salad greens, coriander, broad beans , kale and rhubarb are pumping.

    Somehow you will find a way to garden again.

    Did you manage to write up a notice about volunteering your time in a garden yet?

    It is very sad to hear about how you are feeling just at the moment.

    I have been wondering how you have been the last week, but did not want you to feel pressured to reply. I know these things can take time.

    What is the current situation? Are you still "together"? Because it does not sound in any way healthy or pleasant for you if you are "waiting around to be useful" to someone who does not care for you.

    There is a saying, "when someone shows you who they are - believe them". When dealing with a person, especially one who may be a narcissist, this is advice worth heeding. Because they can say anything, talk their way around wretched behaviour, words words words ... but when they consistently show you whi they are: that is them, and you should believe them.

    There is a poem that I came across while trying to recover from a narcissistic abuse relationship that really resonated for me, spoke to my broken soul. It's called Love After Love, by Derek Walcott. Would you look it up? It may not be your cup of tea, but I wanted to mention it anyway. It felt really empowering and nurturing to me, when we've spent so much of our time and life-force focused on somebody else and their unquenchable needs, coming back to ourselves is such a really spiritually beautiful and loving thing to do.

    🌻birdy
    2 people found this helpful
  29. Camellias
    Camellias avatar
    81 posts
    8 June 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Dear Birdy


    Isn’t the autumn/winter weather just lovely. I’m definitely a winter person.
    I envy your wintery gardens of assorted goodies.

    I spoke w/ the manager about the gardening. She seemed really happy that someone may help with the vegetable gardens as she doesn’t have time. I mentioned that I just want to water for now & she said I could go down anytime/anyday- but I still need to complete that very invasive form, just to water the gardens.
    I thought she may know some nursing homes in the area as she has a foot in the community door & is a local. Or even an elderly person who may be in need of some help. She does not know of any.
    I am still considering writing up something for the noticeboard....
    I wonder if you can work w/ me on this please it would mean so much to me, if it’s not too much trouble.

    Thank you for thinking of me, it must be hard for you to keep track of all those who you maybe helping here on BB & also make time for your own life.

    My current situation is I pretty much hide in my local library, my apartment or watch my phone like a hawk for her reply. As far as I know we are still ‘together’, this ofcourse may not be what she is telling others.

    I still don’t have purpose, I need distraction that is fulfilling. Something I am passionate about. That makes me forget my phone makes me forget (what you said so well) “‘so much of my time(almost all of it) & life force is spent on her & her unquenchable needs”.

    I will definitely look for that book at the library, it sounds as though it will help me.


    I have been thinking about the phrase you mentioned ‘ when someone shows you who they are, believe them’. The constant 4-5 day silent treatment: her going from 1 friends problems to another when I am w/ her, she wants that new ‘cause’ to fulfill her day, it makes her feel super important, so any input from me is inferior: making everyone feel like crap if something is out of place,missing or accidentally brakes...all these patterns they keep returning. At first I thought it was all me, my fault. It’s just easier to treat me poorly, later say ‘ i was horrible to you, I’m a horrible person & then expect me to say’ no your not, it’s not your fault’. X Repeat each week.

    Silent Hours turn into days where I’m fed bread crumbs of replies, I start to find myself then suddenly Im expected to respond ASAP, & met w/ aggression if the explanation doesn’t suit her or I am happy it’s met w/ that underlying displeasure.

    I want to belong.

    🌺

    3 people found this helpful
  30. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    8 June 2019 in reply to Camellias
    The time will come 
    when, with elation 
    you will greet yourself arriving 
    at your own door, in your own mirror 
    and each will smile at the other's welcome, 

    and say, sit here. Eat. 
    You will love again the stranger who was your self.
    Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart 
    to itself, to the stranger who has loved you 

    all your life, whom you ignored 
    for another, who knows you by heart. 
    Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, 

    the photographs, the desperate notes, 
    peel your own image from the mirror. 
    Sit. Feast on your life.


    Love After Love ~ Derek Walcott
    3 people found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up