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Forums / Staying well / Smoke and mirrors- its not real

Topic: Smoke and mirrors- its not real

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9755 posts
    22 April 2015

    Our mind plays tricks on us. Apart from causing us to get emotional for no good reason, get angry, be out of control...we see other people being against us. Our enemies are numerous, seemingly compared to other peoples issues with friends and family or even strangers.

    The world is against us, the mentally ill, the "world" surely is only humans for a world without humans we wouldnt have this internal conflict at all. How many times in your life you have disliked a person intensely only to become close friends later on or visa-versa. And as some of us over react to situations, a symptom of our illness (highs or lows and not much in between) we often have regrets as to our actions. A wise man said to me once- "I dont judge anyone for 6 months because I often regret it. I dont know them until that period ends".

    Just like many of us have highs and lows, thoughts nudging extremes most times are the same. I call them "smoke and mirrors". I dont know about you but I have a tendency to fall out with others more regularly than Mr average Joe Blow. And blame myself. But many times over the years I've blamed myself when later on down the track that same person has fallen out with my friends on the same issues. Which brings me to my point of this thread.

    We dont know most times if a friend or acquaintance has their own issues/demons to deal with. Many people wont air horn it to the world (as I tend to do). And other issues they might have like physical health issues, family issues, work, environment issues. What about lingering upbringing issues, personality traits...even persona that is different to many of us but normal thinking from the country of their birth?

    We need to do a few things. Wisdom comes over time. Ageing, even with mental illness gives us more wisdom from experience. To accept the possibility that the person you are in conflict with might be aggressive (for example) because he is not in a good place for some reason is for you to give him/her that benefit of the doubt just like you would like someone give to you.

    It isnt all about us. It is about others as well. Some, depending on the severity of their actions that hurt you, can be discarded for your own self protection. Others, as you might find after you've known them for at least 6 months, might end up your best friend because you did one vital, wise and positive thing......you forgave them in the hope that the true person hadnt emerged.

    Sometimes the benefit of the doubt is warranted.

    Tony WK

  2. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    22 April 2015 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony

    I agree with you about being non-judgemental whether or not it's the first meeting. As you say, we do not have knowledge of another person's problems etc. I'm not sure your friend has the right idea with the six-month probationary period. Perhaps we should be non-judgemental all the time.

    To say someone must meet our standards within a certain time span or they are not acceptable seems a bit harsh. And lets face it, we are comparing others against our standards and expectations. I have met a great many people in my life. Some have nothing in common with me so any interaction is general, usually short, lacking in any kind of intimacy and soon forgotten. There is no need to make any judgement about them as we have no reason to communicate. This is not to say they are bad people, just people who do not relate to each other. It means though that I should show them courtesy and respect.

    Most people we meet I suspect would come into this category. Not particularly interested in each other. So to approach anyone on the basis of deciding whether to befriend them seems pointless and can end up giving them the very message you want to avoid.

    It seems to me that meeting and interacting with anyone needs a wait and see attitude. Not a specified time limit to see if they shape up. We all have our flaws and I am humbled and grateful that I am accepted by others despite my failings. Walking away from those who are grossly incompatible is a good idea but not always possible. What if they are married to a family member?

    If we constantly practice our non-judgemental skills we will be surprised at how many more people we get on with. I know, from my own experience, that mental health issues so often get in the way of relationships. The numerous posts on BB are a testament to that.

    So it seems to me that we need, individually, to practice our skills of acceptance rather than categorise others. You commented about the acquired wisdom of age and I agree. I do find it easier to accept others as they are as I age. Maybe it's because I want less in my life than I did 30-50years ago. I am no longer in competition with others, at least not as much, so the need to feel superior is not as urgent.

    Mary

     

  3. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9755 posts
    23 April 2015 in reply to White Rose

    Hi White Rose

    Thankyou for that post.

    Re: "What if they are married to a family member?". Good points. And therein lies one of my issues. lack of compatibility causes stress. I have this inbuilt diar need to be loved or at least admired.

    There are several things about myself that I dislike. We read here this often especially young people. And at 59yo my distaste for my personality still lingers. Sure, I have reasons why some like me. But if those that do not like me and I dont know the reason it eats away at me. Yes, I lose sleep over these things.

    Cronic worrier, low self esteem, but with many abilities. I'm a poet, inventor, handyman, hubby, father and care for others. So why wont everyone like me...? is the question I ask myself.

    Yes we shouldnt put a time on our judgements. The only exception is my gut feeling I get if someone has a criminal past etc. My Fxy dog barks at these people and I know I feel the same. It's something that police members get in a short time when in their profession. Otherwise I think my friend meant his timeframe if flexible and roughly 6 months.

    Getting approval from others seems too much hard work. Yes, I should just be myself, dont worry about it etc. But it isnt that easy. It must be my make up, the way I am.

    Tony WK

  4. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    23 April 2015 in reply to white knight

    Dear Tony

    Yes I have met those who instantly set up my hackles, or at least very shortly after meeting them. My dentist is one of these. He is also a dam good dentist. I trust him implicitly to manage my dental care. But in any other matters, not as far as I could throw him. Fortunately I have no interaction with him outside of his practice so that's OK.

    Why don't people like you? Who knows. Clearly you do not know. I read your stuff on BB and and invariably agree with you. So that must put you on the side of the angels (smile). I also struggle with self-disapproval and dislike. I am begining to realise I can't win them all and it makes me feel insecure. I comfort myself by saying that these people don't know what they are missing.

    There is a huge amount I dislike about myself. The bits I know or get to know I try to change. How successfully I don't know. I am begining at my advanced age to let go of these traits and the folk who disapprove. The rest of my life is too short to be bothered for more than a few minutes with those who for whatever reason dislike, disapprove, don't care for me etc. And it's getting easier.

    Incompatibility causes stress. Definitely and when you meet someone in that category on a regular basis it is hard. A member of my family, in-law, is one such person. I keep the conversation general, never be alone with them and remind myself that strangling is illegal. And then I deal with my feelings afterwards. There is no other way. One consolation is that I am not the only one in the world with this problem, and not the only one in my family that feels like that.

    I know I have some good traits. I have finally accepted that I am not a complete loser and that has been a long road to travel. And here I am, still travelling, still learning and still getting frustrated with myself. I read a great book about growing older, or more accurately, about our roles in life as we age. It is called The Gift of Years by Joan Chittister. I know you are not keen on religious stuff so the author may put you off but the content is not religious, simply a statement of aging. And having looked for my copy to make sure I have the correct title, I am now irritated because I can't find it. Another gift?

    Mary

     

  5. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9755 posts
    23 April 2015 in reply to White Rose

    Hi White Rose,

    Of course I've realise tonight that this ;low self esteem comes and goes. I've felt low for a couple of days now but realising that makes my think I'm coming out of that period now.

    I'll be ok. Generally though I've been bitten by my BPD mother so severely that I feel like I'm feeding fodder for some nasty people out there. Vulnerable. But in reality apart from my car club that has regular weekend trips, My wife and I have a fairly reclusive country lifestyle. So why is it such a big deal? Suppose it is to highlight where some of us have social issues. These social issues can be largely inside us and not apparent to others.

    Thanks for the chat Mary. Hope others have got something out of this thread.

    Tony WK

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