Hi Shelll, this isn't really a reply as per your introduction post, but a "thank you for creating this thread"... And another "thank you", and "I'm sorry that you're going through this hard time" to yourself and everyone who has posted here...
So many powerful and insightful stories, so much...real emotion...real things that have happened to us as people, as human beings.
Whenever I feel severely depressed and/or anxious these days, I talk out loud, and vent to myself, trying to counsel myself, and it seems to be just about the only thing that helps when I'm in that really dark place....so I guess I'll give it a shot here, hopefully it helps someone or people can relate to it...
For me I think I'm lucky to know the exact source of probably 90% of my depression and anxiety (work related) but the other 10%? Honestly it's a lot of things, even more things get added on all this time, but it generally all revovlves around how we are made to life life in this modern world.
Whenever we "as a people" were brought into existence in this world, regardless of your belief if that was religious (e.g. god) or that it was science (e.g. the big bang), I think back in those beginnings, no one could have predicted what we would become today...status chasers, fame chasers, and Money chasers...indeed the root of all evil in this world.
We are only "free" in this life as children, yet we study and study and study, for a future in life most of us are too young to understand or predict, we go to primary school, high school, college, etc, all with the aim of attaining this "illusion of education", this "certificate" that we have studied something in such depth, that we can "work" (one of my least favourite words)
...so that we can work for what, let's say 40 -50 years...Monday to Friday, 9-5, with only 2 days off and intermittent holidays spread out throughout the year
We work for ourselves, we work for food, we work for shelter, we work for material things, we work our entire lives away in an existence that sees us chasing our tails endlessly...working to get money, to spend it, to get more of it...it makes no sense to me any more.
I was part of that cycle once in my last life, I lived and adhered, and consumed as part of the cycle for almost 10 years now, ending it this year as I realised and accepted that I was broken as my former self, and will never again be this former self, and shouldn't be aiming to "go back to my past self", as tempting as it is.
I am trying to work hard through my severe depression and anxiety to create a new me, one that is happy, healthy, and grateful for my life, but not one who mindlessly goes through the motions and accepts everything for what it is.
Must look like ramblings from a madman to be honest, but I'm done trying to sound "sane" and conform to "normal"...all we have in this life is the people we love and care about, and positive social interactions...connections I guess you can say. Everything else is just optional.