I think the concept of rest from most of my life in this state is where a lot of these dark thoughts spring from, but I see your point.

No, I don't have any mental escape. Not anything that feels reinforced by any sense of reality anyway. The mind knows when it is being tricked I guess, and will defend against what it didn't want to encounter. All the same, distraction is what I've been trying.

I had a mostly good week, mostly because I was busy. Now that the week is done, the darkness comes back and envelopes with despair and brings with it all the futility that I'm so over. Over and wanting it to be over.

This is likely my last post. I'll likely just continue on, holding onto things like family to keep it together, but honestly... if this is the quality of my mental health I do wish I was alone so I could simply make that decision and not have it impact others.

Thankyou again for your responses. Let's divert some of that to others now.

Thanks mate

M2 and Croix... I have followed this exchange and am finally now writing to say how much I relate to and appreciate it. M2, you've been very honest; and Croix, your advice is very practical and thoughtful.

M2, I am also in my 40s and dealing with life-long depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues and more recently, chronic suicidal ideation. Perhaps unlike you, I can point to some big life traumas like two divorces and unemployment after a long career with one company. An analogy I've heard is that people with a predisposition to anxiety and depression are like an uninflated balloon with a weak spot. If there's not pressure in the system, there's not much problem. But add pressure to the balloon (like relationships, money, work), and that weak spot shows itself quickly. M2... you might be someone for whom that weak spot doesn't need much pressure to be a real problem.

I wake up every day in anxiety, panic and depression, and my first thought is that I want to kill myself. It's a horrible, fatiguing and tragic way to start every day. If I had zero family, I might have already taken my own life. But knowing the pain it causes others (one of my parents committed suicide) has often been the only thing holding me back. I'm sick of fighting so hard to be here, and just want to give up and find some peace. And sometimes too I find myself resentful of the small family I have left for being there because it makes that decision to end my life so much harder. [Obviously the flip side of that coin is that I've been fortunate to have them to keep me trying to find a happier path and not give up.]

M2... when you feel not-worthy of people's time, know that other people appreciate hearing your story and knowing that they are not alone living with these types of feelings. I am certainly one of them.

Hey einebrucke,

Thanks for reaching out here tonight. We are glad you've been able to find some comfort in this exchange between M2 and Croix. We hope you can continue to find the support and advise that resonates with you on our forums.

We're so sorry to hear about the distressing thoughts and feelings you experience every day. Please know that you don't have to go through this on your own. Our Support Service is reaching out to you privately to offer additional support.

It sounds like you have great awareness around the causes of this pain and distress and we can hear just how much you care about your family and that they've been a source of hope for you as well.

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Dear Einebrucke~

I know there is another thread but I'll answer here when you can look back on my conversation with M2. I guess they are an example where two people relate. I'm hoping that has been enough for now for M2 to see a world just a little wider than that reduced to near zero via the lens of depression. Not a big thing to hope for - but possible.

I wonder if you chose your name hoping for a bridge between your current circumstances and what could be. I hope so. Just a little hope all by itself is a wonderful thing.

I read the problems you have faced and your resultant feelings about yourself.

May I make an observation?

I am not just one set of characteristics that applies to me as one whole. If I might take an example from your writings, you have lost professional confidence, and due to your experiences with relationships, lost confidence there too. You may have gone on from that to convince yourself it is you, and you are the cause of it all. A feeling not helped by the death of your parent and consequent wondering about yourself in midst of grief and loss.

When invalided out of my vocation, told I'd never work again, and faced a life of inactive uselessness and burden to others I felt it was all the one thing. I was wrong. I -and you -are made up of many facets, and there is no need to try to get them all in order at the same time.

In my case study lead to a sneaking feeling of confidence led to employment led to more confidence allowing me to repair a relationship. and so it went on.

I admit it started with small steps when a suicidal mess, for me getting up and then others through to reading. You have taken larger steps, reducing drink is an impressive feat. A healthier lifestyle also.

These are measure that can give a little more confidence in yourself. Debt, unemployment, bad decisions and regret can all be put in their rightful place in time, not tackled head on, but indirectly.

Perhaps that desire to take your life on waking might be a place to look at? You have overcome it every day. May I ask what you did, what you thought? What else there might be -from a forthcoming event you might look forward to though to a straight physical sensation -anything (even chocolate in the next room:)

I thought of a favorite comedian, and did not want to miss an episode, at which point getting up and brushing my teeth became possible, less of an insuperable mountain

Do you think this makes any sense? If not say so and we can talk of other things.

Croix