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Topic: Help

  1. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    8 January 2020
    Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6623 posts
    8 January 2020 in reply to Waxer
    Hi Waxer,

    Welcome to the forums. We are sorry to hear how much you’re struggling with thoughts of suicide. Please know that you’re not alone in this. We understand how complex relationships can be and it must be very difficult to think clearly at the moment about ways to help you cope. Our community is here to talk through some options with you. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

    When you feel up to it, we’d encourage you to get in touch with some additional supports offline to ensure your wellbeing. Our Support Service has sent you an email to try and check in with you to make sure that you have a plan to keep yourself safe.

    For more immediate support feel free to give us a ring on 1300 22 4636 to talk things through.
    Another option can be to reach out to our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat ). They can also assist you in working through creating a safety plan which can be helpful during this time.

    We look forward to hearing how you’re going.
     
  3. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    8 January 2020 in reply to Waxer

    Dear Waxer~

    You are in a horrible position and I'm not sure many people could handle it without becoming just as upset as you are -and it just goes on

    It sounds from what you say your wife still wants to be with you, after all she has gone back to sayng she loves you, however I am guessing she is still seeing the other man. She may be built to have two relationship at once, and is perfectly content that way. You are not

    Undoubtedly those meltdowns are uncomfortable for her, but I suspect are very much worse for you. May I suggest you get medical help, see your GP and then a councilor? Like many things being able to cope better is a start.

    Depression is something that narrows your thoughts down to just a few unfix-able things. It gives no means of dealing with them and killing yourself can seem the only way out. I've felt like that for different reasons than you, but the effect is the same. Getting rid of the melt-downs would help.

    It might not cure your marriage - though you don't know that - it can however give you a life less unbearable, even one with things in it to enjoy. Sounds hard to believe, I dismissed people sayng that at the time , but became an example of great improvement myself.

    You are welcome here anytime

    Croix

  4. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    12 January 2020 in reply to Croix
    Thanks for the reply and thanks to beyond blue for reaching out to talk to me, I'd like to take soon, but not at the moment. The story is more complicated. The last few years have not been kind. My best friend died the same day my wife was in hospital with a life threatening stingray attack just over a year ago, another friend died later last year. My father has been in hospital for about 5 months with multiple issues and weve said goodbye to him a number of times aa he wasnt expected to last the night , yet somehow hes still hanging on, my wifes father passed away a few weeks ago reasonably suddenly, another 2 friends died within just over a year, I've been to court in 2 different issues from people ripping us off, theres a rift with my 2 sisters over the handling of my parents situation and I recently found out I have a half sister who is younger than my daughter who I haven't met and noone is telling me how I can. I could handle all that if I didnt feel like I have to constantly look over my shoulder to see if my wife has stopped loving me. I'm forced to let this other guy constantly in our life or lose her. I'm on a new medication now which seems to help, a different medication was not kind to my body, but I'm still depressed and at times I just pray to god to take me home but erase my memory of the last 3 years, I was so happy before then. I got a bunch of photos from our life together and showed my wife who agreed we were happy, she had been telling me we weren't and my mind was and is starting to play tricks. I looked up gaslighting and I believe she unintentionally does that to me. Things have been ok lset 3 days, but I know that if I have an opinion or disagree on anything or get upset about anything she will get very angry and I'm apparently on my last chance if I have another meltdown.
  5. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    13 January 2020 in reply to Waxer

    Dear Wayer~

    As you say, the last few years have been exceptionally unkind, court appearances, the death of your best and other friends, 5 months of uncertainly over your dad, plus family issues with your sisters and now half sister. Enough to make the strongest weak.

    I know your wife has had her dad pass away, and in an ideal world you would both be there to support each other. Sadly not the case at all.

    At the moment you are living under threats, spoken or otherwise, if you react badly or disagree then you fear your marriage would be over.

    OK, maybe now is not the time to force the issue. I can imagine you might feel bad about yourself allowing this to happen and going along with it. However you have limits, and going further at the moment might make so much pressure you could not cope.

    Maybe now is the time for recuperation and building up your coping abilities. Dealing with your marriage may be better dealt with after that.

    You have some new meds, which although no complete answer can be a real help. What can also help too is doing things that can make you feel better about yourself and at the same time distract you from the harsher side of life.

    Now I don't know enough to make any concrete suggestions, it might be anything from playing in a group if you are musical to bowls or swimming if you are athletic, or maybe assisting a community organizations such as St Vincent's or the Salvos. I've no idea, just throwing out random thoughts. Anything where you feel you do well, maybe even appreciated.

    Due to physical limitation I can't do sport or even go out walking, however between posting here, and distracting myself every day reading (I look forward to nightly chapters of good books) I get satisfaction occupation and a fresh world.

    Can you things of things you might enjoy doing?

    Croix

  6. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    13 January 2020 in reply to Croix

    P.S. My apologies for the typo in your name.
    -C

  7. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    14 January 2020 in reply to Croix
    Thanks for your reply. Some helpful suggestions. Sometimes i feel like my heads going to explode, I just cant stop thinking about everything. Looking thru others threads, I feel bad as they seem to be worse off. But my wife is my world. I always imagined we were indestructible and even when we died we would find each other and be together for eternity. Even when things are good I cant stop remembering some bad things. I'm starting to feel physically unwell now, I cough a lot, lately I'm waking up feeling like I'm about to vomit and have a little, I also usually have diarrhoea. I find i alternate between fear that the stress has caused a cancer or something and hoping it has so I can leave this world. I asked her to come see the marriage counsellor again as she helped the first 2 times, but she says shes not interested, but she still insists she loves me, she thinks I have an unrealistic view of love
  8. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    14 January 2020 in reply to Waxer

    Dear Waxer~

    First off your condition is as serious as anyone's and you are in exactly the right place, you are not pushing anyone else out to make room for you, and people reading of your struggles who are in the same position will actually benefit from seeing they are not alone.

    I have psychical symptoms caused by stress, depression, anxiety and PTSD, all matters of the mind. They include the frequent visits to the toilet, the nausea etc etc. All my symptoms have been very thoroughly examined and found not to have a physical cause. My medical team treat both the mental condition and also specifically some of the symptoms -with a fair degree of success. To be headache free and not need to be near a toilet -plus all the rest - dramatically reduces my overall stress and this in turn makes my condition better.

    Maybe worth discussing along those lines with your doctor?

    I hate to be blunt, but I suspect if anyone does not have an 'unrealistic view of love' it is your wife, not you.

    I have lived though the hoping/fearing some cancer or other illness is going to kill me, all I can say is now I'm glad that was not the case.

    You will get though this. No not easy at all, but you are not alone

    Croix

  9. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    15 January 2020 in reply to Croix
    Thanks for the help. I keep replaying things in my mind. I replay the times my wife told me she wasnt in love with me and was with him again and again, it's almost as if I replay it enough there will be a different memory. Then I replay the stingray episode - we were 140km south of exmouth. My daughter and wife were walking in shallow water looking at the tropical fish, next thing my wife screamed , there was blood coming everywhere from a hole in her artery in the ankle. I picked her up and took her to shore and got a bandage and wrapped it up, threw everything out of the way and drove at 100kph on the sand and dirt track for 80km till we got phone signal. We rang ambulance and they were to meet us on road, I drive at 170kph on tar till we met them. They stabilised her and took her to hospital, all the way I didnt know if she would survive, so much blood. Thankfully the barb hadnt stuck and they could stabilise her with antibiotics and stitches etc, I had to go back that night to get our caravan, no signal till morning , when i got back to when we could get signal 80k or so, I rang the hospital and she was stable but very sick and sore, while I was on the phone one of my 2 best friends called , I called him back and our best friend had died, I couldn't even go to his funeral because my wife couldn't fly. This is just one of the complications of many on my life over last year and half.
  10. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to Waxer

    Dear Waxer~

    I think you have hit on something profound there"... gain and again, it's almost as if I replay it enough there will be a different memory ..."

    I know exactly what you mean and maybe it is seeking a happier ending, one that can never come. The mind just keeps trying.

    Your account of the stingray episode shows a lot about you. Kept calm, resourceful, able - and successful. Waiting for the phone signal so you could find out what happened would have been very hard.

    So would finding about your best friend, mine died a couple of months ago after a long illness so I know how you would have felt. It leaves a hole in the soul. I've found the missing a little less now and can even look back on jokes we shared and other good times we had together, as well as all the grief. Do you support and get support from your other freind?

    I guess you may be more resilient and able to cope than you imagine. True the current time is horrible, however you have an awful lot to offer, and placing yourself in a subservient position might not be the best course - you are a worthy person in your own right. If your wife cannot see that it is a reflection on her.

    OK she might enjoy being with another, but it is at your expense and she knows that. While I only have limited information to judge from I beleive she is not showing love, or consideration, both essential in a good relationship.

    There are good relationships in the world, I've been blessed with two, and the grief and hopelessness at the end of one melted under the love of another, which lasts though to today.

    Croix

  11. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to Croix
    Thing is, when we spend time alone together without outside influences, it's the most wonderful thing
  12. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to Waxer
    I'm so down tonight I really just wish I had the guts to end it. She is slipping away from me and I just cant be the man she wants me to be. I love her so damned much I just cant take feeling her slip away any more. 
  13. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6623 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to Waxer
    Hi Waxer, we are so sorry that you are feeling so down tonight, but please know that there is always support here for you. Our Support Service is checking in with you through email to offer you some extra support and ensure you have a plan in place to keep safe. We’d really appreciate it if you could reply to them. Our community will be here to listen and talk you through this difficult time, so we hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you’re going, whenever you feel up to it.
  14. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to Waxer

    Dear Waxer~

    Sophie_M offers good advice. There have been times where I would not have survived by myself and it took others to give me perspective and eventually hope,

    At the moment you are concentrating on just one part of your life, it is terrible, but there is more, as I found out. Depression shrinks down one's thoughts to just a few unfix-able things , and locks away all the other things in life, many worth having or enjoyable.

    It took me a long time to find out others could actually help and make life more tolerable -which in time became a good life again.My I suggest you give others a chance?

    Croix

  15. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to Croix
    I feel like I got mentally ill because my world was destroyed and my heart shattered and now my mental illness is going to cost me my last chance with the live of my life.
  16. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to Waxer

    Dear Waxer~

    I would suggest you contact the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) who can be a real comfort, no matter what the circumstances. Between them and Sophie_M you may find there is something to make a small spark of hope in your life.

    There is no denying your situation is unenviable, and I guess to some extent you are right, the bad situation had left you reacting in despair, and that in turn has made the situation worse -and so on on a horrible sort of loop.

    However the other way round is true too, if you feel a little better then that in turn may improve the situation, which may make you feel better again, which improves the situation further -and so it goes on. A much better sort of loop.

    The trick is to break out of that first sort of loop, the one where you fell worse and worse. I could not do that - at least not by myself, and the longer I hung on the worse it got. Eventually I did tell my doctor how I felt, and from then on things gradually became easier, the situation felt less hopeless, and I felt stronger and more capable of dealing with things.

    There is a strong temptation to believe nothing can help, that is simply wrong as I found out

    You are not alone in this

    Croix

  17. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    17 January 2020 in reply to Croix
    Things are a bit better tonight, but I had the most awful night, one of the worst in my life. I felt like there was a physical dark cloud drifting down and weighing me down and suffocating me with the most dispareful feeling I can imagine, I really wanted to end it right there and then, the only thing probably stopping me was knowing that there was a way to call someone here, even though I didnt. My wife told me some pretty hard things last night , I know I'm really on my last chance if I have a meltdown again I know she will leave me. Trouble is, I know my dad will probably pass soon and I know a meltdown is inevitable no matter how hard im going to try. I know shes having it hard atm , her dad died only a few weeks ago and I wish I was a stronger person to support her. They weren't all that close, she will tell you different, but he was estranged from the family until I pushed her to give him a chance, then the rest of her 5 siblings did too, only when it came time I was treated like an outcast even though I'd probably spent more time with him than the other 5 siblings put together over last 18 years. He gave them virtually nothing, my daughter didn't even shed a tear as he really wasn't a great father or grandfather, but god I wish I had one quarter of the loyalty he got from my wife. Ive given her everything , a nice house, she only has to work when she wants to, a nice e car, spending money etc, I send her beautiful messages of love almost every day, I keep the house like a show house (when she met me, my wardrobe was a 4 foot high pile of clothes at end of my bed, so I changed big time fur her on that one) I cook as often as possible, clean up, speak beautifully to her, tickle her hair to sleep when shes tired or stressed, always try to be as perfect as I can, yet she resents me big time, I think it mostly stems from me not being able to move forward, I always feel like I gotta watch out as I didnt see the first time she fell out of love coming and I guess subconsciously an on high alert fur any sign of falling out of love or wanting to leave. She says just move on and forgive and forget, trouble is I did that 3 times and it came back to bite me, more if you count the times she point blank told me she would choose him if I made her choose. Theres so much more to this story , but I dont want to wear out my welcome here. Its been a real help even being able to write this without fear
  18. Croix
    Community Champion
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    10938 posts
    17 January 2020 in reply to Waxer

    Dear Waxer~

    May I put one of your worries to rest right now - you are not going to wear out your welcome. It's true there may be times when you don't get a reply straight away, but that will be because we have to answer a number of threads, and sometimes one simply has to stop, even though others deserved more.

    It's part of having human limitations I guess. In those instances of silence you may indeed wonder if you have said too much -the answer is ALWAYS no -OK? We are here to support you.

    When you think abut it, you gave your father in law an awful lot of support, and made the end of his life so completely different from what it might have been, He had his family around and was not alone. Without you being all alone is probably what would have happened.

    You also gave your wife and her 5 siblings the chance to be reconciled wiht their father -a pretty significant gift.

    Whether you recognize it or not that takes not only empathy and human compassion but strenght too. To put it bluntly to say otherwise is rubbish.

    Talk with sensible and compassionate human beings is one of the gifts in this world, and the fact you knew you could ring stopped you from tying to kill yourself is great. Please always remember that. I am looking forward to the day where you can again face life, and find enjoyment

    If a father passes away anyone would have a meltdown and everyone else would call it entirely natural grief. Under such circumstances everyone is entitled to grieve, and to do so in their own way.

    Up until now I've tried to be cautious about commenting on your wife's behavior as I'm not present with all the facts at my disposal, however holding the threat you will have a melt down over your head to control you seems to me both heartless and cruel.

    Saying 'move on' is frankly a cop-out. It is a means by which her behavior is overlooked, and implies the blame should be yours.

    I quite believe you have turned around and made a tidy house, eased her to sleep by stroking her heir, and providing luxuries and necessities willingly and well.

    In return you are given harsh words and threats.

    No matter how much you love her do you think it might be time to step back for a moment and look at your relationship? You trying your very hardest, she not responding except to push you down.

    It does not sound like the balanced partnership you deserve and need, one where what you give (and that is a lot) is returned with love.

    This is a hard task to do - what do you think?

    Croix

  19. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    17 January 2020 in reply to Croix
    I know it looks that way and it probably is to certain extent, I'm no angle, Ive made huge mistakes including letting sex become something I lost track of her at times, the thing is, my wife is a beautiful angel. I am the only person that seems to bring out the anger in her. I believe she is and has been extremely selfish about her needs with this other man, I was stupid enough to allow him into our lives and now hes entwined. I did make her choose a couple months ago and she chose me, but I was a mess still and one night she started hitting me and yelling at me to get over it, and I self-harmed, I was just blown apart in my mind. Shes very resentful about me doing that, that's the thing shes angry about and that I cant seem to move forward . anyway, that night she called this other guy around to support her and me to a certain extent and now long story short hes back in our lives. I do think it's not the same between them, in fact ironically hes the one who's encouraged her to work on our relationship. I know I'm not making much sense it's so complicated. Today she was really nice to me, you see when shes not angry with me its like living with a beautiful angel. Shes funny eccentric and has a smile that could light up a small country. I look at her and melt, I'd do anything to have her back like we used to be, happy and fun. I'm sure she knows what she did wrong, but I do understand I've worn her down with my depression and ptsd. I guess its hard for her even knowing deep down shes caused this to cope with me like this, and at the same time grieving over her dad as it's only been a few weeks. She told me today to get it through my head that she does love me , but I also know shes at the end of her ability to cope with me. She wants me to find a respite or something, I have seen 2 psychologists, but with my dad dying and hers already gone and a new grabdsom with club foot I haven't been able to see him again and tbh not sure how much help he is, I saw a psychiatrist via skype but after making me fill in a 2 or 3 hour questionnaire beforehand it was obvious he hadnt even read it and just wrote me a script fur a drug which didbt agree with me at all. I'm on a new drug but it's only been a week. I spoke to lifeline a couple of times and all they kept saying was they could feel my pain and hear how hurt I was. I think i need some sort of intense therapy, like a full day each week fur a while or a full week . Both I fully understand u cant always be online you and sophie, you e been a huge help though so far
  20. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    19 January 2020 in reply to Waxer

    Dear Waxer~

    You have a very forgiving and empathetic nature. Forgiveness comes about after one can see a wrong, but forgives anyway. So in a way I'm glad, as you do see your wife has wronged you, and if she sees that herself then she has her guilt to contend with, as well as your distress.

    Your self harming, will quite probably underlines for her the damage she has done, and the fact she called the other person in to help may simply show how out of her depth she feels. Emphasizing she does love you is good -for both of you..

    It may be now you both agree the sex play was a mistake, it did act as a separator as it included a third party, rather than being something that brings the two of you together. Choosing you is a hopeful sign, and if she is worn down with your distress and the passing of her father then perhaps she should seek counseling herself.

    The Lifeline phone service is an excellent organization, however they are a crisis line, rather than there for long term counseling and therapy. The Suicide Call Back Service, even though a crisis line too, is more that way and does offer some repeat visits to therapists without charge. Relationships Australia is less of a crisis line, and does a great deal of counseling , or recommending nearby services to people.

    You have to be in charge of your recovery, and that concludes organizing medical personnel. If they seem to miss the point, or leave you feeling the time was wasted then it is time to firstly talk of this to them and if that does not result in significant improvement then move to another. Normally a GP helps with this.

    I do feel sorry for your grandson, this is an area I know nothing about. It it something that can be corrected?

    Croix

  21. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    19 January 2020 in reply to Croix
    Yesterday started out disastrously, I made a comment that this other man makes regularly in jest about her sister be7ng many hours late fir events and she got angry when I pointed out that the other guy regularly makes similar comments she went off the Richter scale angry again, I really really tried to not melt down as my heart was telling me to fall in a heap and cry and withdraw and panick. I quietly handled it as best I could but stuck my ground that he does get ti say things I cant. I know I'm on my last meltdown chance so I summoned every bit of strength I had to stay strong yet caring and quietly stood my ground inside my heart was crying for god to take me away from this pain After a little while, she apologised which was a real big step. Anyway, we went to her cousins place to celebrate his 60th , I absolutely adore her cousin and his family, and all the extended relatives, we had an absolutely wonderful time and my wife was quite loving to me , it filled my heart with joy and today was awesome as well, spent more time with the family and I had a ball, first time I've been able to laugh and feel confident with people in a long time. I'm really hoping we can build on this , but I'm terrified that if I say one wrong word or disagree on anything or ask fur any sort of understanding that she will revert to being nasty again. It kills me when she does that, she can be so nasty (for instance she made love to me yesterday morning which was wonderful and I wsdnt expecting it and I felt loved, then when she was attacking me over the comment she said she wished she hadnt made love to me. God it hurt, when I was trying to pacify her she said I had put her through hell over last few years with thoughts of suicide and the self harm episode. I quietly said that I didnt mean to be that way and that what happened had destroyed me totally and there had to be consequences that couldn't be avoided like me losing my heart and confidence that it wouldnt happen again. Anyway, I just hope and pray we get our mojo back. My gut tells me whilever she shares her heart with me and the other guy, even though hes supposedly a friend now and I get all the assurances it wont happen again, it did, a number of times so it's going to take a lot of time fur my heart to heal compared to if he was totally out of the picture. Ut I know if I pushed for that atm she would choose him
  22. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    20 January 2020 in reply to Waxer

    Dear Waxwer~

    Well the thing that stands out in your last post is that you stood your ground, despite being in great turmoil and fear inside. You did it quietly and by the sound of it reasonably, and she apologized.

    The way you relate matters it appears that you partner has, if not a cruel streak, at least an inability to know what is over the top - such as her remark about wishing she had not made love.

    That's not quite the same thing as wanting to dump you, and I'm not sure you are right she would choose the other. That apology could be a hopeful sign of seeing you more of an equal.

    It's probably true your thoughts of suicide and the self-harm have taken their toll on her, however that is a sign of concern for you. With a stranger you would get help and leave the matter.

    May I suggest if you find out she is still concerned then you consider doing a Safety Plan with her. That will give her a little control of the situation and is a positive move. It also gives you a valuable resource.

    There is a pretty good free one here:

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

    Two people will always make a better one than just the one person, and you can be as inventive as you like. I had help from my partner (who knows me better than I know myself at times). I have references to YouTube clips, comedians' routines, books, photos, and a wealth of other things that have made me feel a little happier or calmer -or even given me enjoyment.

    Easy to reach for when overwhelmed.

    What do you think?

    Croix

    .

  23. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    20 January 2020 in reply to Waxer
    My angel asked me tonight how I felt the new meds were going I wanted to say they are ok but what I really need is to feel emotionally secure, to know I can have an opinion or try to talk about past issues without her attacking me and getting so angry. I wanted to say I probably wouldnt need meds if youd just love me, make me feel secure, listen to me , let me tell you how I feel, if you made me feel that i honestly am the most important person in your life and most importantly you are half as fiercely loyal to me as you are to all your family and this other man- but I couldn't, I went back into my shell as I know I cant do any of that without risk of humiliation of making me feel like a nobody in her life, it was wonderful feeling her care tonight , but I'd still be happy to just leave this world with my only memories taking me as far as 3 years back before I had my heart shredded before my world was shattered, before I lost what and who I thought I was and before I stopped being the happy and confident person I used to be
  24. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    21 January 2020 in reply to Waxer

    Dear Waxer~

    I can understand what you are saying however I'm not sure it is an either-or situation. She asked after your welfare -that's good - and you retreated. I can see why, it appeared to be a less dangerous course, less chance of her leaving.

    On the other hand you did stand your ground the other day, without it becoming threatening to her feelings, and it worked OK. Perhaps you can go at this from another side, that's basically why I suggested BeyondNow, to get the two of you talking and her understanding some of your feelings. Not necessarily caused by what she has or has not done, not accusatory or guilt inspiring, but in general.

    Perhaps I'm unrealistic, however if she had a hand in putting you in a safer place it might help you both.

    Do you think this is an idea worth pursuing?

    Croix

  25. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    21 January 2020 in reply to Croix
    Yes, I do, I'm afraid of opening up to her, but I will certainly think about it. I had a beautiful day with her today. I'm so afraid of doing anything to stuff it up. Yet even tonight when she lovingly kissed me goodnight, 10 seconds later I was secretly in tears remembering her telling me she wasnt in love with me and the sheer panick and heart tearing I felt, I wish I could stop replaying those things , they break my heart and destroy my soul. I'm sure it's my subconscious telling me dont get blindsided again, get your heart ready to be smashed. Every night even when it's been a good day with my angel I feel like I wouldnt care if I woke up, but pray i could only remember back to before she broke my heart. I must go over it at least 200 times every day. I used to be a happy strong confident man
  26. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    23 January 2020 in reply to Waxer

    Dear Waxer~

    The things that have happened have destroyed trust, given you great grief and have affected your whole life. I would feel much as you.

    The thing that worries me most is the fact your mind returns to the bleak side so often. I know it all knocks the stuffing out of you, however I beleive you need to look after yourself better, to have techniques to employ whenever those cruel thoughts return.

    This is not a magic fix but can certainly be a help to give your life more calm and less misery.

    As you are under medication I guess you have at least a GP, do you think it might be worth talking there abut therapy with a psychologist or psychiatrist to help you cope with these thoughts and reduce your anxiety?

    Croix

  27. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    26 January 2020 in reply to Croix
    Thanks again fur taking time to talk to me. I've been to 2 psychologists and had a Skype talk to psychiatrist, he wasnt interested , he hadnt even read the questionnaire he told me to fill in prior.i saw a Bowen therapist yesterday, not sure if that helped yet, but she did help my wife. My wife gets very angry with me very easily. She told me that she told the therapist it's because I used to always be the strong one who looked after her and now she thinks shes looking after me. I'm not sure how she looks after me any more than before, maybe she counts me having meltdowns when she gets angry with me as looking after me, I don't know. The irony of course is I was a happy strong healthy confident man before my world came crashing down the first time she told me she was in love with him and not me and then the rest of my confidence was shattered over the next couple years being told that again and again as well as being told many times she would choose him over me if it came to it. This last week things have been really good, I think the therapist helped my wife, but then again I haven't disagreed with her on anything or dared to say a tiny word about her sister or the other guy. I think the thing I struggle most with now is the lack of loyalty. She and anyone else can say whatever they like about me, yet its ww3 if I say the tiniest thing about her sisters or the other guy, even in jest. It really hurts when the other guy seems to be able to say anything he likes yet I always have to watch myself. For instance he can say banter about her wearing sexy clothes yet if I say anything she says im obsessed with her body.It makes me feel down her list of importance. The irony of that is this is how I felt growing up. I thought I had someone who I was the most important person to her for most of our 36 years together, now I feel like I'm not the most important person to anyone.
  28. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    26 January 2020 in reply to Waxer
    My angel said goodnight to me tonight and told me she lived me, then said you know that right? I really do. I wanted to say no I dont know that, as I know that the slightest disagreement or if I make the mistake of saying the tiniest thing wrong about her sisters or this other guy, thsts shes likely to speak to le with such hatred that it will destroy what's left of my soul. And each time that happens makes me more likely to feel like ending it all to stop the pain. I dont know what's wrong with me, I thought I was a good caring husband and a good man , but I mustn't be. I see others on the forum say they have depression or anxiety and o dont know what I've got. I spoke to my dad today about the sister I didnt know about who's younger than my daughter, that went ok, I'm worried about my cousin who's dying of cancer and his family, I think a lot about all the 6 friends and family that have died over last year and a bit and my dads not got long. I feel like if my wife says one more time shes got nothing in her heart for me it will be the final straw.last time she said it she denied it. I feel like now shes gaslighting me. But I love her so much.
  29. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10938 posts
    26 January 2020 in reply to Waxer

    Dear Waxer~

    I can understand the frustration if psychiatrists or psychologist do not pay due care and attention, or even if they do try but end up not helping. It is one of those occasions where it is good to be in charge of things, you have to ability to try elsewhere. There are good psychiatrists, I've been lucky and found two long term who have done me a great deal of good. So far you have been unlucky. It doe not mean that will continue.

    Please excuse me now for being frank, you may disagree.

    From what you have said you are in an unequal relationship where your confidence and self respect has been constantly eroded by unkind remarks and activities. Your reactions, which otherwise might be very to the point, are held back by the fear you will be left.

    It is not an easy situation to improve, however it may be possible. I would suggest getting yourself into a place where you have more confidence in yourself and what you are entitled to in the way of respect is the first step. A feeling you can handle things, no matter what.

    You mentioned feeling you were coming second in your youth, which may have a bearing on this, so when looking for medical support both aspects might need to be dealt with . Not every psychiatrist, psychologist or councilor, even well meaning, is going to be able to deal with this. It is one who develops your trust and confidence who will succeed, so please don't give up on your search.

    Croix

  30. Waxer
    Waxer avatar
    97 posts
    27 January 2020 in reply to Croix
    My beautiful angel has been lovely to me again today , it's about a week now , I'm so fragile but I have hope that her therapy has made her turn the corner. God i hope so, its been the most wonderful week. When shes like this I'm really in heaven , if I was offered this feeling this week as my heaven I'd take it in a heartbeat.

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