Hello, and thank you for accepting me into this community.
I have been experiencing low mood and passive suicidal thoughts for the past 4 years. They have varied in consistency and intensity over the period. Generally, when I am experiencing more stress and helplessness at work they get worse, and when I am able to complete my work efficiently and effectively it gets better, though even during those times I experience feelings of lethargy and wish that I could go to sleep forever and be at peace.
Right now things are getting worse again and I find that I am dragging myself out of bed each morning, waking up only after an ever increasing amount of coffee, which is my little bit of enjoyment during these cold winter days. I then try to go for a short walk or jog before I start work as its another activity I enjoy. After work, I feel a sense of relief as the day is finally over and after eating dinner, I rest in bed feeling fatigued and hoping this endless cycle would just - end.
Objectively speaking, I have a good job and great colleagues. My current role involves analysing current businesses processes in order to implement a new accounting system for the company. It is a great chance to learn a lot about the business and its processes, meet people as well as the opportunity to become a subject matter expert on the new system which will be used for many years to come.
Other aspects of my life are good too, I might even say perfect. I have loving parents, who are still alive and care about me. I talk to them at least once a week and they message me daily with little bits of encouragement. I have been in a stable long term relationship for the past 9 years, and my girlfriend has stuck by me. We talk daily, though its more me listening to her as I am quite disengaged with life and dont have much to say, other than the fact that I am depressed, feel trapped but cant understand why.
I dont have any children or other commitments in life. I do not experience any financial stress as I have a job and given my disengagement and disinterest with life, rarely feel anything is worth spending money on. I take pleasure in the small things in life, hot coffee on cold mornings, gentle winter sunshine on my skin, fresh air, long walks, clear blue skies. I dont drink or smoke.
I am going to see my GP again to request professional help and am hoping that with some expert advice and medication, it will all work out.
Thank you for reading and wish everyone a good day.