Hi,

This episode of depression is now a little more than 18 months long and I'm back at the point where I'm preoccupied with suicide. I have a psychiatrist and physiologist (and have had ones since my first episode 15 years ago - this is my third and by far, longest). I'm in and out of hospital and have had so much ECT that it's a wonder I even remember my own name. ECT, while a life saver, has cost me two PhD attempts. I haven't been able to work and I'm very lucky to still have a job to go back too, at the moment. You can imagine the number of anti-depressants I've tried.

I'm left wondering how much longer can this episode last? How much longer am I going to be a burden to others, waste their time and resources? Is there really any point to keep trying?

A warm welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Impatient,

thank you for joining us and sharing your journey here. It sounds as though life has been difficult for you and that it has escalated over the past 18 months. We acknowledge how frightening and overwhelming ECT can be and are sorry you've had to go through this process so many times. We acknowledge the negative impact it can have on cognitive abilities and can imagine this must be so upsetting. We can hear that you're feeling really low at the moment but please know that we are all here to support you.

Have you been able to see your psychologist or psychiatrist recently? It sounds like it would be worth checking in with your prescribing doctor to let them know how you're feeling.

It sounds like you're in a really exhausting situation. If you don't have many friends where you are at the moment, we'd suggest joining some local support groups or parent groups. You can find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

Please remember to reach out when you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through. You're never alone. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.
 

Thankyou for the reply.

I haven't been able to see my psychiatrist or psychologist recently due to the christmas holidays (usually I see them minimum fortnightly). Same problem I have with GPs. I live in regional Australia (so all my appointments are via telehealth). The closest emergency department is 2hrs away. I have a loving husband and I'm really sick of ruining his life. As with most depressed people, I withdrew from my friends at the start of this episode and now they're virtual strangers because of the ECT.

I just feel like there's no end in sight, no obvious next treatment to try. I know there's plenty of antidepressants I haven't tried but so far, most don't work for me. So I become depressed, useless, progress to suicidal, get hospitalised, ECT + new medication, improve somewhat, go home, a month later relapse, progress to suicidal.... Why am I wasting everyone's time with this? They expect me to keep living but I can't keep doing this. This way of living is just selfish. What is the longest single episode of depression you have heard of? Is there another number I can aim for besides the 6-8months that everyone normally quotes, no matter how fictitious?

Hi Impatient

I am so proud of you for reaching out and I firstly want to say that YOU ARE NOT WASTING ANYONE"S TIME...ever....the journey to mental wellness is just that, a journey, if there was a quick fix, a magic wand or a special potion we would have no need for the support services we do...BUT..that is why they are there, to be used once, twice, one hundred times..you keep reaching out until you feel like you are making progress.

I burden something that has to be carried, heavy weight that one has to bear, you are not that, you are a person who is going through a tough time. I hear you when you say that you are being selfish, that you are wasting people's time. The simple answer to that is they are just thoughts, they are not reality and you can acknowledge them and tell them to leave. Is that the truth? is that true? people have said that you make them feel this way and that they no longer wish to help you...I think the answer is no. I would also suspect that should a friend or family member reach out to you, once or one hundred times you would respond with love and kindness, please take that for yourself now.

Is there an end in sight, yes, these days will get better but it is a process and a journey and you are on your way. It is very hard being regional as the supports are somewhat limited but we are here, any time you want a chat or someone to sit with or just to vent, we are here to listen and to give you some comfort.

ECT i have no experience with but can only imagine the impact that it is having on you also. I think you are so brave to be doing all this for yourself and I want to commend you on that.

I hope to chat to you some more, we are here for you.

Huge hugs

Sarah