I am so very proud that you are reaching out for help, that you are here today to get some support, that is really brave of you and I think it is pretty awesome. I hear you loud and clear in that you want the pain to stop and that even though you don't fear death, it is not what you want. That is a really big deal Mitch1551, to know that you do want a chance at a happy life, to know that it is pain that is causing your thoughts and that if you could wave a wand then a happy life is what you would choose, not ending your life.
I am also really happy to hear that you do have lots of people around you that love you, this is great, but I also hear you in that just because you do have people who support and love you does not make life "happy" or "fulfilled", that is because as we know that the pain comes from within and potentially from past trauma as you mentioned, and not from the external features of what looks like a "happy life". I am so sorry that you are on a journey to find any sort of medication that works, it sure sounds so very frustrating for you and I can understand how exhausting this must be.
You are very right in that if you do "jump off the path", the pain you do leave for the ones in your life who love you dearly is actually worse than pain, I can attest to that..however as we said before, a happy life is what you crave, not "jumping of the path". You are loved Mitch1551 and your life has worth, huge worth, it is just that the pain is blinding you from seeing and from enjoying and I know that there are better days ahead for you, there are, it is just that this path is full of broken glass at the moment, but it can be gently swept away, sure there may be fragments of glass still around and it times the glass might seem more BUT..I hope that we can talk here and support you and try to find some things that maybe do strike your interest, that maybe in some small way does make a moment see some small bit of joy for you Mitch1551.
I hear how tired you are and how exhausted you are and here you can sit with us, knowing we care so much and are here to listen and to put a virtual arm around you.
I really hope to chat to you some more.