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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I want to ask for help

Topic: I want to ask for help

  1. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    18 July 2020 in reply to Emmen

    Hey M,

    I had a look at the thread and it was quite interesting 'how can people forgive us if we haven't forgiven ourselves?'. Forgiveness is a funny thing. I could forgive myself, but I'll never stop thinking about it and I'll always regret it. A few of my mistakes don't just hurt me because I hate myself for it, it's more because they changed the rest of my life.

    I go the gym a few times a week and I usually spend some time on the treadmill. I spend every second of it wanting to stop and I hate it. I've tried everything at the gym. Walking, jogging, running, biking, elliptical, weights, rowing, ladder and none of them help. I've gone from short walks to running until i felt like i would collapse.

    Simply put, exercise doesn't make me happy. Even now that I do it regularly it doesn't change anything. I only do it so my dad doesn't yell at me for wasting his gym membership. I'm not going to stop doing it but it doesn't help.

    Many thanks,

    April

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    6825 posts
    18 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀
    Hi Neerja,

    It sounds like you're in a dark place at the moment and we're concerned about you. Please know that we here on the forums find you to be both caring and valuable. Please remember your supports if you need to talk this through - Kids Help Line

    And if at any point you become a danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you need to contact 000 (triple zero).

    Please feel free to keep reaching out to your friends here on the forums. We hope you are feeling a little better since you posted.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. ecomama
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    18 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja

    Nope.
    No way, you are NOT a trash person whatsoever.

    Thinking differently WILL help you. Immensely.

    When I was younger, I used to deflect ANY compliments someone gave me. All of them.

    Then a person said to me "Why are you insulting me?"

    I had to do a double take and ask "I didn't, I was saying that about MYSELF".

    They said "That's offensive to me. I've given you a truthful compliment and you're saying I'm a liar by delfecting it. That's insulting".

    I have never deflected a compliment since.

    Sometimes I wonder if I've misrepresented myself lol, but it's the other person's feelings I don't want to hurt.
    SO I say "Thankyou".

    Even thinking those things without saying them is not helpful for you.

    EM

  4. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    18 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    I don't like my school but it's better than most. A lot of kids wear platform heels or rainbow boots to school. I think teachers have realised that they can't stop drama students from going to school like that.. We have some very interesting teachers. One of our substitutes ties her dreadlocks in pigtails and adds ribbons and pipe cleaners. No one likes her but I think she's very sweet.

    Sometimes I think it would be so good to be an adult. I'd only have to visit my parents maybe once a year to be polite. If we both make it and become adults, I'll try to find you on facebook (or whatever we'll be using in ten years) and we could talk again. I think you'll go quite far in the world as you're easy to talk to. Have you ever thought about what you would do as an adult like as in what job?

    Do you ever think about that? The way people are so touchy on the topic of death and how it's just so taboo, even though it happens to everyone and it's completely natural. Why is it so hard for people to accept that I want to die? It's pretty simple and not that big of a deal. We all kick the bucket at some point.

    I really hope the divorce goes well and there aren't too many arguments.

    Short distance is sometimes better as it doesn't last as long but I don't like the feeling of being unable to breathe at the end so I'm gonna say I prefer long distance.

    It's a bit of a cycle. I want to die, I feel guilty for wanting to die, I want to die etc.

    All over the internet there are people who regretted it the second they took action to kill themselves. In real life, there are people who killed or tried to kill themselves the second they got out of hospital for a suicide attempt. People always say 'What about your friends, you'll regret it, your mother will be devastated'. My friends will get over it, dead people can't regret things and my mother is a trashy person so I hope she is devastated.

    The cake incident was probably the oven's fault not yours. And anyway, I like eating cake batter so I would've eaten it anyway (don't judge lol)

    I think I'm doing pretty well. I had to go out shopping with a toxic group because I didn't want them to be annoyed at me again for saying no. I managed to leave early so I sat in the park with a frozen coke and doughnut balls for a bit which was quite nice haha.

    How are you? How are your thoughts? I really hope you're doing well and are happy.

    Your good friend

    April

    1 person found this helpful
  5. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    18 July 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hey Em,

    I think being cruel has become our nature. We compete for other's attention and love and knock others down to get to the top. We're all toxic, even if we don't mean to be.

    Same as Neerja, I don't have social media. I used to have it but my parents were mad at me as I couldn't get a job and took it. I like having it so I can see what everyone else is up to and I can talk to people. I think the toxicity is worse as an adult. I see that there are many negatives to it, but without it I can't go to birthdays or relate to anyone else my age. The thing is with or without social media, people are fake. I know so many people who will say one thing one day and the opposite the next for attention. It's disgusting what everyone will do just to get sympathy.

    I know that growing up is meant to be one day at a time but that day is hell every single time. Escaping my parents and my life is literally four years away. To some people that sounds like not much but to me a week is long.

    I'll have a look at her videos tomorrow. She seems quite interesting. There's a guy who made a documentary about his depression and different treatments he tested. It was very entertaining and I was surprised that antidepressants work so well for everyone. Mine just made me feel numb. They tried doubling my dose but I just felt like a fake happy. Like I needed to cry but I couldn't. My mother wants me to do hypnosis (I don't believe in that and it would make me uncomfortable) which is helpful for some people but won't work if you don't believe in it. Anyway, I'll tell you what I think later.

    Many thanks

    April

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    11073 posts
    19 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    I've been reading along between you, Neerja, and EM and come up against that barrier, words and logic, no matter how true, don't really change a persons emotions, and it is emotion that gives you your view of life. A rather to cynical and limited one, but not surprising give your upbringing.

    I don't use social media except for the organizations I'm in, having looked at it for a while I came to the conclusion that it attracts a certain type of person, leaving many not wanting much to do with it, so you are right, the people you see on social media may well try to win emotional praise by their fabulous family, possession, holidays and all the rest. A Kardashian world.

    That is only a bit of it though, NF sings about the life he has had to live, no one-upmanship there, just showing others they are not alone and voicing pain.. Brené Brown does the same though experience and thinking. Helps you to know there are others in the world who look deeply.

    So where does that leave you? It leave you knowing you have a discerning mind that sees though a lot of rubbish.

    "We all kick the bucket at some point". Well, yes true. Come to think of it, unless you kill yourself or be killed by misfortune you have a long time ahead, four years can just be a fraction on it. If I play the averages I've somewhat less than 10, but who knows.

    Life gives all sorts of opportunities. Sumo Cat would not be on my left "supervising", in fact he probably would never have made it out the animal rescue place. 8 years of living as (he thinks) a cat should is something worth having -for both of us.

    Mrs Walrus (boy will I get into trouble for calling her that ) and I would not have enjoyed -really enjoyed - each other's company for 20+ years, and supported each other in bad times. she is honest, caring, steadfast (and pretty:) and does not like social media either.

    I remember siting in a small rowing boat in a cave full of water, just enough head room. So far in it was pitch dark. Water smooth as glass. We turned a corner and there were a galaxy of tiny lights, in loops and festooned all over the walls, mirrored in the black water. Unearthly, unreal, overwhelming.

    Those glow worms were a sight that has never left me. So much is buried in this earth

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  7. hello, hi, 😀
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    20 July 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Sophie_M,

    Thank you for the links. :)

    I am a bit hesitant to use KHL because the waiting time is really long.

  8. hello, hi, 😀
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    20 July 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Hi Ecomama,

    But isn't not being honest rude too.

    I have done really stupid things, doesn't that make me trash?

    In 14 years all I have done is waste oxygen and nothing else, doesn't that make me trash?

    If I think differently, I will give myself false hope.

    Warmest wishes,

    Your friend forever,

    Neerja

  9. hello, hi, 😀
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    20 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I have a teacher in my school who wears rainbow coloured clothes, she is really nice and has a unique choice of for clothing. Dreadlocks in pigtails and ribbons and pipe cleaners sounds really unique!

    My school has hardly any space because it is Prep to 9, students aren't that nice, the school has many broken parts (one time the door almost fell down on someone, lol) and the teachers are ok, some are nice and lenient, some have too high expectations and aren't nice

    If we make it to being adults, it would be amazing to talk again on social media, maybe our lives would be changed. I am horrible with talking to people face-to-face, I freeze and reply after so long, lol. Since year 7, I wanted to be a teacher but I realised that I couldn't be a teacher because I have trouble talking to people. I just get embarrassed and I haven't been outside my home a lot, so I get a bit anxious. What job do you want when you are in adult?

    You are so right, talking about death is so restricted and people avoid it. Everyone is going to die at one point. It's natural, its normal. But the way people avoid talking about death is not normal lol. Like if you tell someone, I want to die, they will either overreact, tell everyone and ignore you. Then people say about people who have tried to kill themselves, "they should have talked about their problems" like there is someone that will listen. My school counsellor avoids talking about death, as much as she can. Something I don't understand is, why do people bother to live when they know they are going to die one day.

    Does your mum treat you badly? I am really sorry you feel that she is a trashy person.

    That is so true dead people can't regret things.

    The cycle is same for me too, it keeps going.

    No judgements at all. I love cookie dough and cake batter!

    I am extremely glad that you are doing pretty well, that is really good! Haha, that is really good that you managed to leave early, lol.

    My parents would never let me go shopping by myself or anyone else, lol.

    Before my bucket is kicked, lol, I only want to have one good time, outside my house and I really want to go to an amusement park. What do you want to do when you bucket it kicked?

    I'm doing ok, the thoughts are distracted because the school has started and teachers have been putting a lot of content this time, lol.

    Its so true, being cruel has become our nature, lol.

    How are you?

    Your friend forever,

    Neerja

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  10. ecomama
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    21 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀
    hello, hi, 😀 said:

    Hi Ecomama,

    1. But isn't not being honest rude too.

    2. I have done really stupid things, doesn't that make me trash?

    3. In 14 years all I have done is waste oxygen and nothing else, doesn't that make me trash?

    4. If I think differently, I will give myself false hope.

    Warmest wishes,

    Your friend forever,

    Neerja

    Hi Neerja

    My answers:
    1. If you think so.
    2. If you think so.
    3. If you think so.
    4. Ok.

    The thing right there is that no one can change your mind.
    Only you can.

    No one can GIVE another person reasons for living.
    That's up to each person to FIND that for themselves.

    If YOU think you're trash then you will indeed be treated as such.
    Until you change your mind.

    Your thinking is not anyone else's responsibility but your own.
    Sure crappy things happen and they happen to everyone.

    I wouldn't dare call anyone an oxygen waster but some criminals, esp those that harm children.

    This is YOUR opinion of yourself. Not mine.

    We live with our most harshest critic for our entire lives - ourselves.

    Make friends with yourself and begin to like and even LOVE yourself then things will change for you, meaning your OUTLOOK will change.

    Not you nor I nor anyone has the power or control to change everything going on around us. That's a fact we accept as we grow up, if we grow up.

    You don't have to tell everyone in your life everything. I don't. It's none of their business tbh.
    It's called "tact". It's not dishonest, it's smart.
    Thinking about your motivation to tell people things might help alot. Is it for sympathy? Empathy? Kindness? Understanding? IDK.

    When my eldest daughter began talking like this I helped organise a Mission trip for her to go to India to help orphans in orphanages and lepers in leper colonies.
    She worked VERY hard for these people.
    She returned grateful. Humbled. Apologetic.
    She's worked for those less fortunate ever since.

    I hope you find your path Neerja, it's there for you to create.

    EM

    1 person found this helpful
  11. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    23 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    My school is year 3-12. We have exactly 1260 students as it's 180 per year and 180 for primary as a whole. It's select entry which makes it very exact which means every time someone leaves, we get someone new. Our school is famous for being the school of weed and 'gays', and I mean it's not wrong.

    I like the idea of being a first responder or an emergency dispatcher as if I had a boring office job i'd feel like making it through high school wasn't worth it. Do you still want to be a teacher? I don't think I would be a good teacher. I can't talk to groups very well.

    In English we're doing Macbeth. There's a part where Lady Macbeth commits suicide and the teacher spent a good 30 minutes trying to explain suicide. It made me really uncomfortable as it felt like a personal attack ( i haven't even committed suicide yet-it doesn't make much sense) so I zoned out the whole lesson. I'm fine with the idea of death, it seems peaceful. Do you know what you're studying this term?

    I like to go down a rabbit hole of thinking about what death is and what happens when we die. It's a good time waster and it gets me through maths. I also like to people-watch. I like to imagine what people are thinking and what their lives are like. I always get jealous of the lives I make up for them ad it's quite annoying. Please don't judge this I know it's weird.

    My mother is quite different to yours in the ay that she always wants me out of the house and doing something. She wants me to be like my sister who has heaps of friends, good grades, two jobs and her own car. I prefer to stay home and read crime/horror fiction and mess around on my laptop.

    It's going to sound so boring but before I die, I want to spend a night in winter lying in bed with the heater on listening to the rain on the roof and just feel peaceful and happy.

    more distracted now. The rush of people and assessments when you get back to school is terrifying honestly. How are you with school going back?

    I'm a bit sore because I have the body of a 60 year old woman who has had 6 kids but who doesn't love the wonderful sound of bones clicking. That aside, I'm back to the waves of happiness and really bad suicidal thoughts. Within minutes I can go from fine to depressed back to fine. I would much rather be depressed all the time. It would be a lot less exhausting lol.

    How are you? Do you like having distractions?

    Your good friend forever

    April xx

  12. Sophie_M
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    23 July 2020 in reply to ____
    Hey April, 

    We're so glad that you are finding these forums to be a safe space to express your thoughts and feelings, and that you are findings connections with our wonderful community here. We just wanted to let you know that we are currently checking in with you through email, as we are worried about you.

    We can hear how tough, and how exhausting it must be having these constant waves of suicidal thoughts, but please remember that support is always here for you. The friendly counsellors at Kids Helpline are always available, 24/7 on 1800 55 1800 or you can visit https://kidshelpline.com.au for webchat. Another great option is to reach out to our friends at Suicide Call Back Service who are always available on 1300 659 467 or through online chat at https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au

    We hope that you continue to feel supported by your friends here, and feel free to keep us updated on how you are going whenever you feel up to it.
  13. Guest_1643
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    23 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I like Macbeth tbh but I prefer Hamlet and Romeo and Juliet. Now that I think about it, all have a lot of bloodshed in them...

    I get what you mean about social media, it can be comforting as a way to connect to people, and we all need that connection. It's easy to send photos, links, and check in with a bunch of people. It can be hard when your parents don't let you do things that your peers are doing. Like, everyone is on it and it can be difficult when parents don't understand that...

    I'm glad you can come here now. Hope Macbeth isn't too horrible and you're doing okay.

    PS i was wandering how your thoughts are at the gym, if it helps distract from suicidal thoughts? you absolutely don't have to answer . take care xxx

  14. Croix
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    23 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    >"a night in winter lying in bed with the heater on listening to the rain on the roof and just feel peaceful and happy."

    I guess I've found another area we are similar, bearing in mind this was nearly 70 years ago:

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/permalink/qmJ6p3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    Kid are in some ways remarkably similar, irrespective of time or circumstance.. I still fondly remember the storms. Then again I do not die, I'm lulled to sleep and wake up in the morning to hot tea and porridge, a welcoming feeling to the day.

    You know perfectly well what I'm trying to do, distract you, make you see your dreams can be those of others too - without the suicidal thoughts thank goodness. They came much later.

    I write in that thread and drag out happy memories as a coping mechanism, which happens to work for me.

    Looking at other people and wondering is good, being jealous silly, look for the clues they display and get a more accurate idea, even who they move towards and who away from are clues, so are their shoes, and ... well, you fill it in with facts to support or refute your fancies.

    Lives of quiet desperation masked well is something that might apply to many. True happiness to others.

    Can I ask what you are reading now?

    Croix

     


  15. hello, hi, 😀
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    25 July 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I am deeply sorry for the late reply.

    I have never been selected in a select school, always been rejected lol. My school is known as the "broken" and "rebellious" school.

    I don't know if I want to be a teacher anymore, I have no idea what I want to be tbh. We did this Morrisby test and the counsellors advise what jobs may be good based on an individual's strengths and weaknesses, we are getting the results next week, I bet they say that they don't know what will be good for me because I don't have any strengths. First responder is a good choice!

    It would have been uncomfortable hearing a teacher talking about suicide. My teacher did that once and explained suicide and the suicide rates in teenagers, it was uncomfortable and it was a trigger for me and I couldn't even tell anyone or the teacher to stop talking about it.

    We are going to start a comparative essay about 12 Angry Men and Hidden Figures and look at prejudice and implicit and explicit bias also the conflict between Russia and America during the 1950s and 1960s.

    I have never read any of Shakespeare's plays/stories. Do you like Shakespeare's plays?

    I will never judge, I understand what you mean about thinking about other people's lives are like. Its not weird to feel a sense of jealousy when people seem so filled with joy around you. My 'friends' brag about their lives and going to places and make fun of me because I stay at home all day. I like to people-watch too, it gets me through science, I hate science the most.

    Does your mum set expectations? My mum does that, she compares me to everyone, when she found out about my suicidal thoughts, she and my dad said this "people like you don't deserve anything and you are probably faking it, look at the people around you so happy."

    Crime/horror fiction is a really good genre choice! I like sci-fi and crime fiction.

    It does not sound boring, winter and the sound of rain is beautiful. It's so peaceful, calm and wonderful.

    It is terrifying having to see this sense of rush and amount of assignments and having to show everyone that you are happy, school hasn't been great for me. Are you doing remote learning too?

    I am deeply sorry that your suicidal thoughts are really bad and exhausting. Have you talked to anyone about it?

    I don't know how I feel about the distractions of school, it can be overwhelming and a trigger.

    How are you?

    May every day be filled with the same joy, smiles and happiness you bring to others

    Your friend forever

    Neerja

  16. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    29 July 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    Do you have the results from the test yet? I really want to do it. It seems cool and I can't imagine what I'd get. My sister got a funeral director which isn't great, especially considering she is very smart.

    Did you ever have to do a quiz about your body? e did it last year and it asked how much you weigh and what your body looked like. It wasn't anonymous. I didn't answer most of the questions.

    The work your doing sounds much harder. we're just analysing the first scene of Macbeth at the moment. I have read Shakespeare before but only for school. I've never actually read it for entertainment. I don't think it's very interesting honestly but that's just me.

    Science is awful. For the last two months I've been learning about atoms and now I can say that I know what a copper atom looks like. Absolutely useless. I can't see atoms. Why do i need to know about their electron arrangements??

    People in my year don't brag as such, they just talk about their lives in a way that sounds as if it's perfect. 'I went to the beach yesterday in my new white bikini but it's a bit big for me because I'm too skinny. I had this amazing 20 dollar smoothie because I can afford it and I went home and posted a picture on Instagram'. Like come on. No one wants to listen to you go on about your perfect life.

    My mother does set very high expectations and is always so disappointed. I am unable to get a job. I don't do enough exercise. I waste time. I'm always on my phone. I'm rude. Oh well, only four more years with her.

    Sc-fi can be really good. Have you ever read 1984? It's a really interesting book. It's a little bit sci-fiey too. What's your favourite book? Everyone else I know is reading John Green and books about romance and I'm reading 'The Fleshouse' and other gory stuff. It makes it hard to understand what they're going on about. One girl has an obsession with gay characters in books and I will admit it makes me quite uncomfortable.

    I only have two friends I would trust with anything. One is you, and the other is a girl in my year with a million mental illnesses. She's really sweet but also popular and sometimes I feel like she doesn't actually want to talk to me as she has much better friends.

    Yesterday I skipped maths and hung out in the mental health guys office because I was too overwhelmed. Distractions aren't always great.

    My anxiety is worse than usual but other than that I'm pretty okay. What about you?

    Your good friend forever

    April <3

  17. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    29 July 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    The rain here was non-stop for a few days and only cleared up this morning. I went to the gym, however on the way out we discovered a line of cars. After waiting in the line for an hour, my dad went to check what was stopping us from moving. The entire gym driveway was flooded. It was still raining so there was no way we'd be able to drive out within the next few hours. So, we walked home. In knee deep water. At 7pm. Not.Fun.

    In drama we are doing realism and we had the whole thing of 'think if a happy memory'. I couldn't think of anything. I spent 15 minutes and ended up imagining myself telling my mother every way she has messed me up. I very much want to do this but it'll make the next four years kinda awkward.

    I'm reading a similar book by the same author (Stuart Macbride) with the same characters but I don't know the timeline. It's called 'In the cold dark ground' and it's exactly what it sounds like.

    Even seeing people with all their flaws I am jealous. I know someone with a lot of stuff going on who is extremely popular for her personality and kindness. People actually like her for who she is. She also happens to be extremely gorgeous and I love talking to her, but I hate how jealous I am. It's disgusting. I shouldn't be wishing I was someone who's struggling.

    I think maybe once I'm out of highschool everything will be a bit better. I know the whole 'life is meaningless because we all die anyway' thing will stay forever. I don't want to be happy if it means lying to myself. We're all going to die and there's no changing that. Why can't we just accept it?

    I saw an ad for 'mandatory euthanasia after 80' and it really reminds you of your own mortality. It'd be interesting to see when people are going to bite it. I reckon lot of people have much less time than they think.

    Many thanks,

    April

    Many thanks,

    April

  18. Croix
    Community Champion
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    1 August 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April (with a wave to Neerja)~

    I have some family business to attend to and cannot post as often as I'd like. As one of those people uncomfortably close to your euthanasia date :) I get rather tired.

    Reminds me of a SF dystopia book, movie and TV series called "Logan's Run" where in a closed society with limited resources to maintain a very high standard of living when one reached a certain age it was "Lastday" and that was that.

    You probably wold not like it, it has a happy ending, given your liking for 'Tartan noir' with D/S Logan McRae. I too was a D/S to but never has such an exciting time.

    You might prefer the SF dystopia movie Soylent Green which has a more gruesome theme, featuring anther detective, Frank Thorn.

    I'm not sure how bad it wold have been to use that speech in your happy memories class, I bet it would be the best remembered, and more genuine (well you would have probably thought so at the time anyway) Tell them it is a future happy memory.

    When you are struggling and in pain it is hardly surprising to be envious of another struggler if they appear to have advantages. You are too hard on you.

    Maybe slogging along in deep water gave you as much exercise as the gym.

    You asked why we can't just accept we are going to die. Many, myself included, do. I'm not worried about it and carry on simply bearing in mind prudent arrangements for that day, whenever - I could beat the odds and have another 20 years, or virtually nill, who knows.

    It does raise a question, given all things, people, societies, even worlds all eventually end, why do I beleive is it worth doing something to the best of my ability and to be kind to my fellow man. Why do I think they matter? (No I'm not religious)

    If you have though out the answer - please let me know, I'm still working on it:)

    Croix

  19. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    5 August 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    My cat walked over my laptop while I was typing and he left a message: I;llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll=====[ .

    I hope the family business isn't bad family business. What do you think of the euthanasia at 80? Do you think it's a good idea? I think before they made it compulsory, they should at least make it more accessible to those wh need it.

    I'll have a look at Logan's Run. It looks really interesting.

    Don't downplay being a DS. That is very cool. What were some of the things you did? Logan Mcrae did some very cool yet very unbelievable stuff. I imagine you've never stuck pieces of a body from a slaughterhouse together. Well I mean, I hope you haven't done that. It sounds kinda traumatizing. Although a lot of first responders and crime scene investigators get desensitized to the blood and the gore. I listen to a guy's podcast in which he discusses his life as a 19 year old at a funeral home. A lot of scooping up brain mater, more than you'd think.

    I'll have a look at Soylent Green as well. Is it on any streaming services?

    I wish one day someone could invent something to get the exact date you die. That way you can spend the rest of your life freaking out that you're going to die when the only difference is you now know the date.

    I think it's a human thing. We just want it to matter. We want to know things, and we want to be reassured that our short lives mean something. Our universe has been around for 14 billion years and will continue on, even once humans have finished destroying the Earth.

    I don't know why everyone sees meaning, but that's my guess. I want to see meaning, but instead I'm just seeing reasons to find no meaning. This is starting to make no sense so I think I'm going to stop trying to be smart. The more I think about it, the more headachy I get.

    Many thanks

    April

  20. hello, hi, 😀
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    6 August 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I am really sorry for the late reply.

    I got my results, they weren't great. But I got a secondary teacher, law clerk and finance; accountant. Life is going so quick, I can't believe I am 14 already. Have you ever felt that way? What job does your sister want to have?

    Is your school doing the test?

    We had to take a quiz once in year 7, it wasn't great, it was embarrassing. But it was anonymous, I understand why you didn't answer the questions, I would have done the same if it wasn't anonymous.

    I think your school sounds harder, we are doing Shakespeare next year.

    You are right, science is awful. We are doing atoms and atom configurations too, it's boring and horrible.

    Haha, that's exactly the same for my school. They keep on going on and on. My 'friend' says to me, "I am going to the city tomorrow with x, y, z, I am soooo sorry you can't come and have a boring life. But we are going to have so much fun and buy so many things. And go to so many places." this is an everyday thing now lol.

    Only 4 more years. My mum is the same, she is never happy and always disappointed and my dad too. Is your father like that too?

    Sorry, I haven't read 1984. You have a good choice for books, books with glory stuff are amazing! I don't understand why people read romantic books. My favourite book is Faceless, it is about a girl who is a runner and part of the 'popular' group but she goes through a traumatic and painful incident where there is an electrical fire. She can't recognize herself, her parent's divorce, her boyfriend leaves her (he was a horrible person but comes back in the end, which is stupid), she can't run and her friends leave her and treat her differently. It's really sad and uncomfortable reading about this but its interesting to know what relationships are based on, conditional relationships, but the girl overcomes the challenges and it is inspiring to read about. What is your favourite book?

    My friends are you and you are so trustworthy and kind, in school, there is a girl who is really nice but she has better friends and often leaves me.

    Are you doing ok? I am really sorry that you were feeling overwhelmed and your anxiety is worse than usual. Are you feeling a bit better?

    I am doing ok I guess, I have been feeling a bit low more than usual and there is too much schoolwork, I am behind in schoolwork.

    How are you?

    I am extremely grateful to have a friend like you. Thank you so much April.

    Warmest wishes,

    Your grateful friend forever,

    Neerja

  21. Croix
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    6 August 2020 in reply to ____
    Dear April (with wave to Neerja)~

    Are you teaching your cat to tap-dance, there were an awful lot of the same key in that message, do you happen to have a translation?

    Sumo Cat is far to dignified to scramble over keyboards, prefers supervisory duties.

    As for being a D/S, I’m not sure I want to say much at the moment, I do remember when someone was going to be incarcerated for a while I found a home for the person’s dozen pet rabbits, bit of a record really.

    I think you are wrong about being de-sensitized, except on TV. All that happens is that people handle it in different ways and can appear calm cool and collected when they need to be.

    I’m afraid I’ve no idea if those movies or books are streamed or in your library ATM, have my own copies

    As for seeing meaning: true, humans do it, however I’m not sure if they make it up out of wishful thinking, even if they do we can enjoy our lives and take satisfaction from love and accomplishment and even sacrifice. I’m not sure one needs more.

    We seem to be getting rather philosophical, practically I’d rather have Sumo Cat beside me than not - even if it is only for a while.

    Croix
    1 person found this helpful
  22. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    9 August 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hey Neerja,

    I do know what you mean about time going fast. I'm at school on a monday morning and suddenly I'm lying in bed on Sunday with only vague memories of what happened throughout the week. It's quite annoying. Does this ever happen to you?

    My sister got into uni to study how the brain works. I can't remember the exact course she's doing.

    On friday the teacher was telling us about poisonous gases and someone in the class told us about how her dad accidentally gassed her with the lawnmower. She almost died, but the way she told the story made it funny. The teacher got incredibly mad at us for laughing because 'death is serious, she could have died. you just use humour as a coping mechanism' and the thing is, maybe we do use it as a coping mechanism. Maybe we find dark things funny, but it's much better than only seeing the bad things in the world. What's wrong with seeing death as what it is - a natural part of life that shouldn't be seen as a terrifying unknown.

    I read faceless last year and it's such a good book. I like that it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It shows reality. It's not one of those books where she immediately gets up and loves herself and her life.

    My favourite book is probably The Lovely Bones. It's about a girl who is murdered and finds herself stuck in the 'inbetween' which is between earth and the afterlife. She watches her family slowly unravel and break apart. It's a very dark book and I cried a lot while reading it. The movie is really good as well.

    My dad isn't a big part in my life. He doesn't talk much so I don't really know what he thinks.

    I just feel kind of off. I had left my old group because someone was really awful to me, and now she's just joining my current group because everyone hates her. I seriously do not like her but I can't tel her that because she'll just start hurting everyone else. I also have to do a duologue with the kid in drama who makes sex jokes, never does any work, is very racist and loves to make fun of me for being gay. I have to perform a pice with him in front of both drama classes.

    How are you? Have you caught up on your schoolwork? My HSIE teacher gives us new work before we've finished the current ones so I'm quite behind as well and I don't understand atoms at all because my science teacher wastes the lessons yelling. It's not going to be a very realistic performance. Do you ever have to do group projects?

    Thank you so much

    Your very good friend forever,

    April

  23. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    9 August 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hey Croix,

    My cat can't tap-dance unfortunately. When you hold down a key it continuously types the letters. He just took his time walking. I think he was just hungry. He always is, even though he eats his and his brothers food until he throws up.

    Treat is anything but dignified. He spends his time sitting on my bed staring at me and if he feels I'm not talking to him enough, he will give a short ear-piercing meow. He likes to stick his face all the way into his dinner and will rub his chicken and gravy covered face all over my poor sheets.

    Someone I know has rabbits and they're very sweet. I love how small their mouths are.

    I read about a philosophy professor who asked his students what they though was the meaning of life. He then told them that he believed there was no meaning. This seems sad, and funny coming from a philosophy guy. He then tells them he believes everyone should create their own meaning. Do you have one?

    Even though I constantly go on about our impending doom, I still care. I don't know why, I can't help it. I still like eating a cake I've just baked or lying in bed with a cat next to me. I don't want to care, but I do.

    Many thanks,

    April

  24. Croix
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    9 August 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    I find the meaning of life inside me, it comes out is affection and love, just as it does for you with Treat, with humor, with books that at least in the instance of Lovely Bones, give hope there is both justice and reward. In dong something well, giving and receiving love and kindness, and in the belief that some things just exist as examples of perfection in their own right, a male superb wren, some paintings, some humor, some .. all sorts of things.

    OK, they are all centered around my impressions, but humans can only see things from inside themselves.

    Your philosophy professor should read Sartre's Nausea. It basically says the same thing.

    Treat sounds like a cat with character, if not overly fussy on table manners, and what else are sheets for (from a cat's point of view) than giant napkins.

    I guess I value and cherish such things, even if meaningless to others.

    Sumo Car shares one thing in common, complains if not given the attention he rightly deserves, after all what else are staff for?

    Croix

  25. hello, hi, 😀
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    21 September 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April,

    I am really really sorry for replying so late, it has been over a month and I am really sorry. I know I am a terrible friend. I am deeply sorry.

    I was sick for some time and I recently had surgery.

    I really missed our friendship. I hope that we are still friends and I am really sorry again.

    I feel the same way, I can hardly remember a thing, you are right it is quite annoying.

    You are right, we do use humour as a coping mechanism, I guess it de-intensifies things. I agree with you, death shouldn't be seen as terrifying unknown, it's a natural thing that we are all going to go through. In my religion, they saw that you shouldn't cry in a funeral, because dying is a natural and normal thing to happen to everyone.

    Have you read Pieces of Sky? I think you will like it.

    The Lovely Bones sounds amazing! @hen my school reopens I am going to try to find it.

    I understand what you mean about your father. My father is usually in his room, closed, by himself and always on his phone. He says it is part of job, but, he doesn't know anything that is going on in the house. All he does is make jokes, sometimes about my suicidal thoughts. He would be like, "I wonder if you are having suicidal thoughts now.", "you don't need this, who will use it after you." He thinks it is all fake. My mum is the complete opposite after the phone call from the counsellor, she never mentioned the suicidal thoughts ever again.

    I am deeply sorry that you feel off. It must be really annoying to leave a group because of someone and then that person coming to your new group. Were you able to tell her that you don't like her joining the group you are in? Doing a duologue with that person must be really hard, how did the duologue go? Were you able to change partners? Sorry I know I am not any help, but I understand how you feel.

    I am doing ok, after the surgery I was able to walk and sit up finally. I have actually fallen more behind in schoolwork, I have to finish the assignments during the holidays. Because of remote learning, I don't have to do group projects... I hate group projects, lol!

    It must be really annoying and overwhelming to have so much work being added on. Haha, you are right your science teacher's performance isn't a very realistic performance.

    How are you? How is school going?

    I hope you are doing well.

    If you ever want to talk, I will always be here to listen.

    Thank you, April for being my friend and I am really sorry

    Your grateful friend forever,

    Neerja

  26. Croix
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    21 September 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja -and April if you happen to be listening.~

    Sorry to barge on a post addressed to April however quite frankly I' very happy to hear from either of you and that makes me forget my manners. Also don't worry too much if you are a bit slow posting, You reply when you feel the need to.

    Best medical tool is the phone, my partner was on the the phone straight off the next morning and did not stop talking-ever:) Mrs C says she talks when she's nervous, all I can say is the poor lass must have been nervousness for the last 25 years, She says I'm too quiet, so I guess we match.

    Any idea how long you will have to remain there? At least to have the wound dressed I guess,

    Do you feel ok?

    I hope you feel fine really quickly

    Croix

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  27. hello, hi, 😀
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    24 September 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    How are you?

    Please don't apologise :)

    Hehe, you and your partner do match.

    I got discharged from the hospital, I think its been a week or two. The wound dressing has been hard.

    It feels weird in hospital. I wonder how will it feel be there there when I die.

    I feel ok I guess. I feel different, I feel confused and numb all of the time.

    Its been over a month since we talked. It's really nice to talk to you again. :)

    I hope you and your family are doing well,

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  28. Croix
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    24 September 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja~

    I'm ok, sort of. Every winter, and we do have very cold ones, my breathing is affected ,and I end up with infections and normally a stint in hospital. Can't say I like the hospital environment, even though everyone does there job with efficiency and sympathy, its just so limiting.

    Plus people's drips ringing for attention all night.

    I'd much sooner be at home surrounded by the things I like and being supervised by Mrs C and Sumo Cat.

    Your right, Mrs C and I are a good match.

    I think at your age I would find it sterile and not as friendly as you might think, but that's just me.

    You said a couple of things, "I feel different, I feel confused". they must be very difficult to explain, would you like to try?

    Your are right about that too, you are my friend

    Croix

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  29. hello, hi, 😀
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    28 September 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    Winter must be a really difficult season. It sounds really hard.

    Do you when you are getting discharged from hospital?

    I bet that Mrs C and Sumo Cat would love to have you back at home.

    You are right hospitals are limiting and the drips ringing for attention. And if you have the drips in your room, they wake you up at weird times.

    It's hard being there by yourself.

    When I was there, hehe, I dropped the nurse call button and I needed help, but couldn't get it because I couldn't move. That wasn't fun, haha.

    Sorry I was unsure when you said, "I think at your age I would find it sterile and not as friendly as you might think, but that's just me."

    I don't know how to explain it. I just feel different, like I don't feel many emotions anymore. I always feel confused and like my mind is thinking about something, but I don't realise what it is. I don't feel like doing anything and I have so much schoolwork to do during holidays. I am always tired and always have an headache. No matter how much sleep I get, I am still feel the same. It takes me a while to fall sleep. The death thoughts have been the same, they make tired and I don't know what to do about them. Faking being happy makes me tired too. There is no place where I can be myself, where I can talk about the death thoughts except here. My school counsellor avoids talking about death and she makes everything sound easy.

    I hate Kids Helpline, Headspace and BeyondBlue's webchats, they don't help. They all start of by saying, we have "x minutes today" and then expect the person to open up in those x minutes and then at a really weird time during the conversation they will say bye and give information sheets. I don't think anyone would read the information sheets and say I am going to try this, when there is no hope in trying things. I know that there are other people who they have to talk to, but they can't just always give information sheets and not finish conversations or not answer questions or by making the chats seemed rushed. I am always scared to tell them about my sucidal thoughts because I am scared that send someone check in and I don't want that. To be honest, I haven't talked about those thoughts in depth with anyone.

    I have stopped using all of the webchats, its been months now since I have used them.

    Thank you for being my friend :)

    How has today been for you?

    I hope you, your family and Sumo Cat are doing well.

    Warmest wishes,

    Your friend,

    Neerja

  30. Croix
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    28 September 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Dear Neerja~

    I guess I did not make it clear, I sometimes do end up in hospital in winter, but not this one so far (🤞). Mrs C goes to a lot of trouble to give me a warm house and I don't get out that much, not even the garden, then again neither does Sumo Cat. He grizzles to have the outside door opened first thing of a morning, in 5 minutes he has decided it is far too cold for a cat of his delicate breeding and comes back in the warm.

    Actually his fur is so thick I think it must be just the tips of his ears and his nose that feels it.

    I guess you need to have the call button stuck where you are always going to reach it. No it is not good being by yourself in your own ward/room with isolation which you know will go on for hours becuse of the routine.Do you have something you can do in those times?

    I'm wondering if for you hospital might be a chance to rest from the tangle of thoughts, responses and being on guard you normally have. The world can be a lot of pressure and the way though very obscure. -Am I on the right track?

    I'm glad you told me about those chats, I'd not realized they are timed like that. As for info sheets, there is a lot on the BB site already, however reading dry information is not something everyone wants to do. You are like I was and did not discuss my suicidal thoghts with anyone for a long time, partly in case people overacted and I ended up in hospital, partly because I did not think I was the sort of person that should admit to them - I was wrong of course.

    I think that for you to talk about them you need the right person, who does not panic, or offer solutions, but just listens with as much time as is needed. Even having some sort of time limit is OK (everything seems to have one) if you are secure that you will be able to resume no hassles. I get 50 mins with my psych and know I can go on the next time, so it sort of falls into place.

    Why do anything abut the death thoughts? You said you did not know what to do with them. For now let them be nudged out by other thoughts as they come along and wait for the right person. - What do you think?

    Croix

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