Welcome back, I've read your struggles over the past few years and know life has handed you a very hard row to hoe. By now I hope your legal matters have been resolved one way or another, incidentally reporting to police was very brave. Also your leg and ankle giving you less hassles.
Just when you were stating to find some relief at work Covid closed things down and you have had to rely more upon your own resources
It is sad to see anyone take their life, and can be terribly hard when it is someone you like and had as a friend. Even if you did not talk she was still there. Now it seems your life is smaller, and if you wanted to vent or discuss something she is gone, as is listening to her problems too
Whenever someone takes their life it is for their own reasons, and nobody can take the blame for it, not matter what had been happening between you. Even a falling out or argument, which I suspect is not the case here, cannot be seen as something to blame oneself about, those are a normal part of life and hurt, and can be dealt with.
If a person wants to take their life you cannot prop them up by yourself anyway, no person can. It takes a whole load of people, those that are close, true, but also importantly a medical team plus surprisingly a bit of help by the person themselves.
Yes you are left to plod though each day, if I remember right you had a good and sympathetic councilor or therapist, you also had the understanding of you boss. Has any of that changed?
I remember you saying "I’ve survived so far, I must have strength hidden inside me somewhere!". I think anyone would have to agree, you have coped with all those things that have happened in your life up to now and am sure you will again. Going day by day, facing each new problem, but also seeing good thngs too, wins by you being part of it.
Apart from medical persons is there anyone in your life you can talk with, who will just listen and care - not try to fix? I found when my partner died being able to lean on a freind was a blessing.
Fortunately they were patient as I would say the same things over and over again - it helped not to be alone.I'm afraid my psychiatrist got the same thing, but helped in time to put it in perspective and see the new things happening around me.
Please have a think, looking back over all that has happened to you, what do you think are the things that have helped you get though?
You know you are welcome here anytime, we care about you.