How are you this morning, Scrabbling? I'm a little better now.
There was a disturbance at another flat here, & I had to call the police. These arguments where yelling becomes physical disturbs me, so I could not give you my full attention..
I remember when feeling I was drowning, it had felt I was being relentlessly pulled under & simply had no the strength to keep my head up. The fact that no-one seemed to see straight past my façade seemed remarkable to me. I was so used to hiding what I thought & felt I could not stop, back then.
Just as things seemed they could get no worse,, something else came along & I felt myself break open & everything I had kept in came out. On one hand, I was desperately afraid it would overwhelm me & that would be it, & on the other hand, I couldn't let all that crap win. I didn't care if no-one cared whether I survived or not, as I didn't care about that myself.
To not let the past I'd so far survived, take me out now, I'd've done anything if asked.
I was terrified. The GP I saw had sent me to a Psychiatrist he picked from the Yellow Pages.
If that Psych Dr said I needed to go to hospital, I'd've done so, because I had no answers of my own, other than to do what I knew I could not. He turned out to be okay, & let me take my time.
I felt I was in a no-win situation, as you say, cornered & trapped, & drowning. Largely, even with help, I had to do most everything for myself. No one can do those things we must do for ourselves; from the most basic things like getting up, eating, to the attempting to answer the philosophical questions so prominent in our minds, at least to the level where living seems to make a little sense.
If you need this crappy life to have a reason, but can't find that reason outside yourself, then you need to invent a reason that comes from within. Substitute 'reason' with 'meaning', 'value' , 'purpose', 'goal', 'ambition', 'direction', whatever, it is your choice. & what you choose now can be a temporary choice. It can range from some purely spiritual quest to an entirely materialistic endeavour. Not for me to say or judge.
I see you have survived this long, with overwhelming thoughts & feelings, so I know you are a lot stronger than you know, & something inside wants to be here.
Cherish that precious core of will & indominable strength you have. Most people are never challenged enough to know they have this, but you have, & it's there, & you know it.
One step at a time - they add up.