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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Sick and tired of being sick

Topic: Sick and tired of being sick

  1. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    101 posts
    1 February 2021 in reply to Bbydoll
    I'm heading to the hospital soon as I've had a fistula open up. It's very painful and bleeding on my bottom. It's causing me pain and I'm constipated which only aggravates the area. I can obviously treat the constipation but previously they've cut open the fistula as I'm on immune suppressant medications and I can't have an infection as it's very dangerous. I'm so tired of being in and out of hospital. I have to ask the chemist to give me my medication and plastic earrings tomorrow even though I won't have any money until Thursday. .. luckily he knows me quite well and should be ok.
  2. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    6705 posts
    1 February 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    I cannot say much, but I am sorry you are experiencing that. It does sound so very painful. Wish I could take away all the pain for you, so you would not feel it.

    Hope you feel some what better soon, or as well as you can be.

  3. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    101 posts
    4 February 2021 in reply to Shelll

    Thanks Shelll, I'm home resting and recuperating now. I ordered some hungry jacks for dinner and managed to knock the drink all over my kitchen floor. .. so much for making life easier for myself. I've spent half this pay on getting groceries delivered and with nothing exciting except for some extra lifelong milk (which I normally use); and some extra incontinence pads used after surgery. .. it doesn't get very far. I've got apples and some bananas and a bit of frozen fruit. It's no wonder I'm fat; whenI can't afford better food to eat!! The food pantries here, you need a car to access it - of course I don't have that. It's just pathetic. I'm tired and sore. And just over everything!!

  4. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    6705 posts
    4 February 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Yeah life can seem like that. Just plain over everything. Had enough sort of feeling. It is challenging.

    Hey have you got a blender? You could make some kind of smoothie with those bananas, frozen fruit and milk. And even add some green spinach in it, if you had some.

    Sorry about the spill of drink on your kitchen floor. Will you have issues mopping it up? Good thing about that is if it was a refined sugar kind of drink, well your body would do better without it anyway. If you don't mind me saying so. Hope you are not offended, but it is logically true.

    I really do wish I could help you somehow.

    If you are able to eat canned beans and lentils and you like them. They can be pretty cheap and fill you up as well.

    Maybe you are watching a movie, that is what I am doing.

  5. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    101 posts
    11 February 2021 in reply to Shelll

    Hi Shelll, the drink was mopped up with an old towel. I have crohns disease - it affects the bowel, so I can't really eat spinach or lentils. Or anything too fibrous. Sometimes all I can eat is carb type foods due to nausea that's a daily problem. I'm still very sore and sleeping a lot. I'm not feeling motivated to do much at the moment. I'm finding it hard to eat anything but forcing myself because I need to heal. Apples are great.. but not filling enough. So I've had a frozen meal but unfortunately it was high in fat so I won't be buying it again. I bought some weight watchers frozen meals and some frozen veggies to eat when I eventually get back into cooking. I love asian meals, so I'm thinking when I do get back into cooking; I'll be doing some stir fries and soups. My birthday is in just over 3 months time.. but what I want is to go on a boat on Sydney harbour but I don't think it will happen. My closest friend is a guy, whose wife doesn't like us spending time together. And I have one female friend who I'm close to but she works ridiculous shift hours and rarely has any free time... and I know that she won't take a night off work for me. My brother doesn't want to spend time with me. I recently asked if I could spend a weekend with him and his family and he said that he didn't have time for that... but I overhead him making plans with his friends to do things. He said we could organize to have lunch and I haven't heard anything back from him and it's been about 5 weeks since we spoke.

  6. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    101 posts
    22 February 2021 in reply to Bbydoll
    The abscess/fistula on my bottom is still very painful. It hurts to walk, sit and lie down! I'm seeing my GP on Wednesday and then have more fillings at the dentist on Thursday. I have had a half dozen fillings done through the dental clinic and doesn't cost anything but I still need to get 2 crowns one of which is over a thousand dollars - which I am hoping that my uncle will pay for. This phone needs to be replaced and I'm supposed to be going to a Sydney gatsby party thing for my birthday but will need to pay for 2 tickets (one for myself and 1 for my friend).. plus will need to buy another dress because I keep gaining more weight because all I'm doing is sleeping. I think my kidneys are getting worse as I'm sure that I'm carrying extra water as well. I'm so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and tonight my tummy is cramping because I ate corn on the cob yesterday and it's still in my system... so sick of this
  7. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    101 posts
    8 March 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    I've been sleeping during the day for 12 hours straight and finding that I'm up in the afternoon - watch tv and eat dinner. Maybe watch the 830pm movie although I've managed to completely black out in front of it. No medication changes, no real changes in my mood - just constant fatigue with my auto immune issues. Nothing gets done. I've even slept through text messages notifications on my phone with it beside my bedside. Nothing really wakes me in my sleep.. it's really frustrating. I've had ongoing issues with abscesses on my bottom causing pain into the muscles when I'm bending and sitting -as well as bleeding and having to constantly wear a pad to catch it all. Any wonder that I'm exhausted. My closest friend called me a hermit because in his words I don't go anywhere or talk to anyone but it's not like I haven't tried!!! On top of my health problems. I've grown up having to look after myself with verbal abuse from both parents. And physical abuse from my father - who was almost locked up because of it. Then having my friends leave me during high school preferring to be with their boyfriends than spend time with a non drinking; unwell person. I tried getting my extended family together around this time too; and now they want nothing to do with me including my brother now who'd rather organise things with his mates than spendtime with me!!! Romantic relationships have been something else that doesn't happen when you're constantly sick .. I haven't been able to work or even study at the local campus at university which would have ideally had me meeting people. I've even tried online dating websites to no avail. I can't even get a guy to meet me up for a coffee.. most only want to just hookup and I want more than to be just used. I've already dealt with that kind of situation in my 20s.

  8. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    101 posts
    11 March 2021 in reply to Bbydoll
    I'm back to binge eating at night; which doesn't help my weight or my numerous health issues. I bought a new dre
  9. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    6705 posts
    11 March 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi doll

    I don't have many words to say. But wanted you to know that I am reading what you are saying. And hoping that by you knowing that you may not feel so alone there.

    Shelley

  10. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    101 posts
    13 March 2021 in reply to Shelll
    Hi Shelley; thanks for the reply. I've been having issues with my health and although I haven't gone back to hospital - I probably require more surgery on the abscesses. I've been binge eating again and feeling horrible because a dress that I bought for my upcoming birthday doesn't fit me. I'm supposed to be going on a cruise with my friend that called me a hermit but I haven't heard back yet from and it's almost 5 weeks since I spoke with him. If he bails, I won't have any one else to go with. I am feeling very alone. I can't get NDIS; even though I need help keeping my apartment clean and doing errands. My illnesses are diseases and not considered a disability despite me being too sick to work or study. I honestly don't know what is keeping me alive anymore because no one wants to be around me. No one invites me... even after me continually asking others out to do things with me. Even paying for their tickets to shows or the boat fare for my upcoming birthday celebration etc.
  11. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    101 posts
    18 March 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Spent another 4 days in hospital because the second abscess needed surgery and IV antibiotics. All on my own. As per usual. No visitors. Couldn't even log online because of no reception. So could only text a few people. It looks like I'll need further surgery to try and prevent these abscesses - although the preventative surgery has already been done once and I had only 2 years before they came back.

    I also got notification that I'm still on the waiting list to have surgery on my ovaries for cysts. And it's on a big Sydney hospital and was supposed to happen last year. But with Covid it was postponed.

    No one understands how isolating this is. I had to walk to and from the hospital from home - because I don't drive. I have no one around me and I didn't even have enough money for a taxi! To make matters worse it was raining when I left to go to the hospital - but as there was puss coming out of the abscess I had no choice, I had to go straight away with all of the medications and my physical illnesses.

    It's all tooo much. I'm so tired of struggling

  12. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    6705 posts
    18 March 2021 in reply to Bbydoll
    Oh doll, so sorry you are experiencing all this. It just seems so overwhelming. Wish I could help you somehow.
  13. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    101 posts
    20 March 2021 in reply to Shelll
    Thanks Shelll. I wish there was an easy solution to all of this. But it seems that there aren't any easy answers. I walked down in the pouring rain because my battery in my phone finally died. I wanted to order groceries online but couldn't because it would shut down before I checked it out. So got that. Picked up a parcel from the post office as they tried to deliver it when I was in hospital. Went to the chemist. Did some grocery shopping and got a taxi home as it had started raining and as I'm writing this it's getting heavier out side. I bought some soup. And crumbed chicken and potatoes, pumpkin and sweet potato to roast in the oven.. perfect for wet weather! I'm so glad that I won't have to go out again until Tuesday - as hopefully by then it will ease up. I suspect a wet winter is on the cards!!!!
  14. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    6705 posts
    20 March 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hello Doll, not sure how you go at walking or how far you walked. But physically walking is great for most people. And you were outside breathing in fresh air. All good.

    Yummy roast pumpkin and potatoes.

  15. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    101 posts
    24 March 2021 in reply to Shelll
    Hi Shelll, I only walked about a kilometer to the shops - but then did the grocery shopping and running around doing errands. I've been binge eating again and it's making me feel ill in my guts. My depression and feeling pretty over being so unwell all the time!! I'm finally off the antibiotics. I had a few days where I was getting chills and my tonsils red with puss, my bladder working over time, stabbing pain in my left ovary. But all that has stopped now thankfully; my guess is that my body was processing the 2 surgeries in 2 months and lots of antibiotics and healing of 2 abscesses.. on top of my usual illnesses. It's so tiring emotionally AND physically. I was supposed to see my GP today, but he was stuck at home as his place is flooded - I'm hoping to see him tomorrow otherwise I have to wait until next week and I need scripts for my usual meds plus a once over after the antibiotics etc.
  16. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    6705 posts
    24 March 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hello Doll, think your guess is correct about your body processing all the surgeries, the antibiotics and the abscesess, plus all the other issues. No wonder you feel tired. It sounds exhausting actually. It takes so much of your energy to heal properly and such.

    I know you have never asked for advice and perhaps you are just venting and wanting to feel a connection to someone else. But if I was in your situation I would be getting my nutrients from juices. Lots of freshly extracted vegetable juices. There is no fibre in them, so maybe your body could tolerate them. All the rawness of the vegetables would help put back all the good bacteria into your gut that the antibiotics would have wiped out. And if you include turmeric, ginger in your juice it would most likely help with the inflammation in your body, like the inflamed tonsils. Honestly Doll, if you could possibly do juicing I would really consider it.

    I am about to get back onto juicing soon. Reason being I physically feel like crap. As I too have issues with eating junk. It has been chocolate Easter bunnies at the moment. I know what it feels like to feel nourished, relatively healthy and fit. I just want to get back to that. As my quality of life has dimished.

    Anyways...

    Must be your birthday soon is it? And the cruise, are you going on that still? That sounded good. Even though you didn't say much about it, I am imagining being in the beautiful and healing sunshine. Hearing the waves in the ocean.

    And walking 1 kilometre is better then 0 kilometres too.

  17. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    101 posts
    25 March 2021 in reply to Shelll

    Hi Shelll, unfortunately I won't be seeing my GP until next week because of the floods. I've got some swollen lymph nodes today and passed out last night whilst watching some tv. I don't think that my gut could handle juices.. and I don't have a juicer anyways. It's just that I'm eating a large amount of food at the moment.

    I haven't heard back from my friend about the cruise.. I have a feeling he won't be able to go - as the last few times I've tried to get him together for something he's either said no immediately or cancelled on me closer to the date. I don't have anything to wear anyways because of the weight gain - I'm almost a size 24-26. I've never been this big.. I bought a size 24 dress and it doesn't fit.. I'm so unmotivated to do much because I'm so exhausted all the time at the moment and I know it's the fatigue from illnesses and fighting off the infections. Occasionally it will be because of anemia but mines not that bad atthe moment.

  18. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    101 posts
    26 March 2021 in reply to Bbydoll
    Slept from about 7pm last night to midday today because of the swollen hard lymph node. Have been having lots of fluids and some over the counter meds for temperatures and just watching some crap on tv. And will be heading back to bed soon. But am starting to feel a bit better. It was very painful but the swelling is finally going down which is good otherwise I'd be back at hospital. Will be seeing myGP on Tuesday and hopefully will be able to get a once over but probably still my body getting over everything. It's so tiring!!
  19. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    101 posts
    2 April 2021 in reply to Shelll
    Hi Shelll, because I hadn't back from my friend. I sent him a text 2 days ago and he finally responded about my birthday and of course I was right. He can't come. He's doing a play and it's opening night then. I'm so upset. I so wanted one night out with him but he'd rather be on stage then spend time with me. I've asked my friend, who has let me down in the past if she wants to come and if she's available for that night or even one after that but chances are she won't be available as she works on trains and has long shifts and usually is away over weekends. But I literally have no one else to ask. I'm so upset as I was so looking forward to it but of course it's not going to happen. I don't matter to anyone in my life. I'm so tired of feeling like I don't matter... like I'm some kind of weirdo that's more of a problem than people want to be around.
  20. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    6705 posts
    2 April 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi Doll,

    I am sorry your friend is unable to go with you on the cruise. And maybe the other one as well. It would have been nice to go with someone. Do you think you will go anyway? Might be kinda fun still.

    How did you go at the GP, and are you feeling a bit better at all? Like with the swelling

    Hey have you come across the Beyond Blue cafe on here. Just thought I would mention it just in case you feel like mixing with some other people on here. I know it is not the same as real life... but maybe you would like it.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Happy Easter to you Doll, here is a virtual easter egg for you.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  21. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    101 posts
    8 April 2021 in reply to Shelll

    Hi Shelll, no. I wouldn't go on my own. I would hate that. I should have known that would be the outcome as this always happens - people just don't want to hang out with me and I don't know why because no one tells me why. I don't know if they don't like me or if my health issues are off putting or if it's my mental health issues that are off putting.

    My brother said he'll do a seafood lunch for me. He initially said which restaurant would I like to go to... but his daughter is only 14 months old and I figured it would be easier if we just did something at his home. He and his wife are also buying their first house in the next few months.. so I'm sure that will take up most of their time.

    I saw my GP and am talking again with him tomorrow. He didn't say anything about my exhaustion but it's still a massive problem for me. My abscess on my bottom is bleeding again - so is at risk of getting infected again which would mean more surgery and antibiotics.

    I haven't seen the Cafe and honestly I don't really want to talk to anyone right now. .. because most people think I'm complaining when I discuss my medical stuff but it's a part of my life and I can't control it causing me problems. I have missed out and continue to miss out on so much because of my messed up health. My friend that is in the play wants me to go and see it because it is based on a real story and I think that he thinks that I will enjoy it. But I don't really know if I will. I usually support him as much as I can but I am feeling very neglected right now... so it's really hard.

  22. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    6705 posts
    8 April 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    I am sorry you are feeling neglected. That can really emotionally hurt. Wish I could say something that would bring you comfort or something.

    So you have a little niece... that's wonderful. Are you able to more involved in her life? Little ones are super cute aren't they. I don't know they often enjoy the simple things in life. And how nice of your brother.

    Suppose if you saw the play it would get you out of the house. And maybe take your thoughts off all the medical issues your are living with.

    Shelley xx

  23. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    6705 posts
    11 April 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hey and hi to you Doll

    Just checking in on you is all. I bought you a virtual cherry blossom tree.

    I will just leave it here, shall I

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