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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

Topic: Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

  1. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    5 December 2019 in reply to wallflower_70

    Hi wallflower,

    I believe that sometimes we need to readjust our level of "normal" to suit wheat we are capable of at any particular moment.

    Earlier this year my "normal" was crying ever day and looking for the off switch. I ended up in hospital...again, had appointments, changes in medication, issues with medication and looking for who I wanted to be in all of this.

    Here we are at the end of the year and I am more accepting of the days that don't go to plan. I realise not every day can be a good day. We need thunderstorms in life to help us grow and develop.

    Some people consider mental health issues to be a deficiency in a person experiencing it. It is a medical condition.

    There are days when I need to be patient with myself. Hope you can be the same way with yourself.

    t least acknowledging you want to change means you have the hope to do so.

    Cheers from Doolhof.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. kleo78
    kleo78 avatar
    4 posts
    24 December 2019
    What is keeping me here is my husband, cats and family members. The family members are spread all over the place (over 1000 km). What is not wanting to keep me here is that the mantra that (it gets better) rings hollow in a world ravaged fires and other extreme events. There seems to be no hope.
    2 people found this helpful
  3. Matchy69
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    24 December 2019

    What keeps me on this site is that i still feel very lonely andbdepressed and there is someone to talk to here,makes me feel better having someone to talk to and expressing how i am feeling.

    I like to try and help others asbi know how tough it can be.

    4 people found this helpful
  4. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    26 December 2019 in reply to kleo78

    Hi kleo78 and Matchy69,

    Sending you both special greetings and hope you find ways to connect with people here on the forum as well as people in your own circle and community.

    Do you find that sometimes it can be easy to feel alone even though you are with other people, amongst family and friends or with a crowd of people?

    I believe we all need to feel connected, recognised and acknowledged.

    I also know that sometimes I need to create my own sense of being comfortable with my own company and to find activities and meaningful purposes that make me feel like worth is worth living.

    That is me today, finding a sense of purpose, of pleasure and to find enthusiasm for the day.

    Hope you both have meaning and pleasure in your day.

    Cheers from Dools

  5. blondguy
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    26 December 2019 in reply to Matchy69

    Hi kleo78 and Matchy69

    Id like to echo Dools caring post above

    Its great to read such wonderful posts and its even better if we are recognized as part of the Beyond Blue family too...Which you are :-)

    I hope you both have had a great Christmas Day and have some plans for a quiet or 'busy' New Years Eve!

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Cranberry Juice
    Cranberry Juice avatar
    19 posts
    12 January 2020
    my 10 year old son is the only thing i have left in this world
  7. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    13 January 2020 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul and Cranberry Juice,

    Hope you are both doing okay. Sometimes it can be really hard to find things that keep us here.

    A psychologist told me a while ago that if there is just one thing then that is excellent and we can build on that one thing.

    It can be hard when our minds are overwhelmed with the negative to think of any reasons for sticking around. That is when we may need outside help and assistance to help us through a tough patch.

    Hope you both and all reading find some positives today!

    Cheers from Dools

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    12 February 2020

    Music is one thing that's definitely helped me and keeps me here.

    I listen to rock and metal, grown up on it and discovered my own music. I like 70s, 80s, 90s and 2000s rock and metal.

    I relate to the lyrics and the singers' stories but I find comfort in that, it makes me feel less alone and inspires me.

    As stupid as it sounds, I tell myself if I'm no longer here, I won't be able to listen to music anymore and I won't be able to see bands in concert (hopefully), new albums, all of that.

    Matchbox Twenty (MB20 for short) is my favourite band, hence my username. And Rob Thomas, the singer and a solo singer, and Tabitha's Secret (band before Matchbox Twenty). They've saved my life.

    Tayla

  9. Guest_1643
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    4854 posts
    12 February 2020 in reply to Missing user

    Hi Cranberry Juice, thanks for sharing about your young son. I'm sure he brings lots of meaning to your life. Dools that sounds like a great psychologist. Sometimes we expect so much of life and it's really special to savour the one or two beautiful things, and nurture them. Tayla that's really powerful not just that you love Matchbox Twenty but that you feel so connected to the singer and his output. My sister is a musician and she would also listen to and take inspiration from Rob Thomas, so I grew up hearing her playing his tunes. It sounds like you enjoy the lyrics and the story he weaves. I'm glad you are all here and that you hvae things that help (even if it's only one thing... It's sometihng).

    1 person found this helpful
  10. new beginning
    new beginning avatar
    59 posts
    24 February 2020 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    The only reason i have stayed is because i have 3 kids. One whos dad died when he was a baby and the other 2s dad has never taken much interest in them. Where would thy go if i went? Im sure theyd get split up and lose the only family theyve ever known..

    I feel like im failing them constantly and i have.. i couldnt provide them the life they deserve.

    So i guess my punishment is to be stuck here day in day out constantly in pain

    1 person found this helpful
  11. why bother
    why bother avatar
    2 posts
    25 February 2020

    I want to date or be in a relationship before I turn 30. Not sure if that's going to happen though as I'm already 28. :(

    Fulfilling my dream of working in game development as a writer would be nice too, I guess.

    Both goals seem extremely unlikely at this point.

  12. GoingGhost
    GoingGhost avatar
    1 posts
    25 February 2020

    What's keeping me here is my best friend. We are planning to move out together so I can get out of this house and finally be safe.

    I'm not sure I'll be able to last that long, I'm not worth the kindness he's giving me. I feel useless all the time. People's lives would be better off without me burdening them. I'm trapped here and I don't know if I'll survive long enough to be able to get out of here.

    If I don't make it, I love you all.

  13. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    Sophie_M avatar
    6606 posts
    25 February 2020 in reply to GoingGhost
    Dear GoingGhost,

    We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through, it sounds like it has been a really overwhelming time for you. We acknowledge that it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support, and we are so glad that you have done so here today. We are worried about your safety at the moment, so our Support Service is checking in with you via email. Our community will be here to listen and talk you through this difficult time, so we hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you’re going, whenever you feel up to it.

    We would strongly recommend speaking with our friends at Lifeline – 13 11 14 and www.lifeline.org.au – or phoning Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467.

    Mod Support
     
     
    2 people found this helpful
  14. Guest_1643
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    26 February 2020 in reply to why bother
    dating in your late twenties is weird as people all want to settle down by the time you're thirty.... it's pressure and very hard. fully understand that, and sorry you haven't yet found the right people to date. wishing you luck with it all...
  15. *starstruck_goose*
    *starstruck_goose* avatar
    2 posts
    27 February 2020

    I'm here because I'm trying to finish high school and move on with my life, away from this constant sadness and pain I'm in.

    Honestly one of the only reasons I'm still here is because all I can think about is how much mum and friends would feel because they'd be wrecked if I followed through with anything I've told them about.

    I've just started medication for the first time and I'm scared. I'm really scared of all the side effects and what it has already made me feel since I've started a few days ago.

    I've tried 4 therapists/psychologists now and none of them help they just either confuse me, make no difference, or make me more upset.

    I'm so terrified of the future and what'll happen especially because I set super high expectations for myself and then am physically unable to move or do tasks that I need to like study/homework and spend time with friends. I'm scared that I'll receive an ATAR too low to get into any uni's and then I'm stuck because I've been planning for this pathway my entire life and I'll have no idea what to do.

    I keep having recurring late-night considerations of making it all stop and just for a moment, it all seems to simple to just be done with it. But then I remember my friends and my mum that tries so hard to help me and I get angry and upset that I'm stuck in a never ending cycle of hurt. (P.S even though I keep having these thoughts I genuinely don't think I'll ever be able to go through with it, so I'm "okay" you don't need to follow up for me)

    Anyway,

    love Goose

    2 people found this helpful
  16. ErinB
    blueVoices member
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    ErinB avatar
    34 posts
    28 February 2020 in reply to *starstruck_goose*
    I completely relate to having high standards and being unable to complete tasks. I would recommend accessing any disability or counseling services that your school offers so someone is aware of what's going on and can help you. It may be helpful to let your teachers know as well so they can offer additional support and encouragement regarding the work you do hand up because a little confidence boost is always nice. There are so many different Uni pathways. I know how hard it can be when you've had an idea/plan in your head but there are different ways to get where you want to be. University websites have information about their entry pathways online so maybe you could look into that for peace of mind and so you know what options you have. I think the most important thing is to remember that your mental health comes first and that school and your ATAR score don't define you or your future. I'm sorry to hear about your suicidal thoughts.
  17. charizard
    charizard avatar
    2 posts
    28 February 2020
    Someone's got to feed the cat.
    7 people found this helpful
  18. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    2 March 2020

    Interesting answers everyone.

    I'm glad you're all still here.

    GoingGhost, are you alright? We're all here for you, and each other

    Tayla

  19. Khajiit
    blueVoices member
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    Khajiit  avatar
    6 posts
    14 March 2020

    The value of my own life had been taken from me. But in my training and lived experiences, it is my duty to guide and mould a path for the youth of today in hopes that they do not experience what I did. Or if anything, have the support I could not.

    I live for the future of your youth - Even though I am part of that by definition, I would assume that neither of them would classify themselves as "survivors" or have experienced several years of isolation and abuse.

  20. eight
    eight avatar
    374 posts
    14 March 2020 in reply to Khajiit
    did you name yourself after the skyrim race
  21. Khajiit
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    6 posts
    15 March 2020 in reply to eight
    Yes! x3
  22. Anonymous2444
    Anonymous2444 avatar
    2 posts
    16 March 2020 in reply to romantic_thi3f
    I guess what’s keeping me here, ironically, is the guilt. As I grew up, I started to hide that I needed things as I felt that I should go without to save my parents money, worked hard to control and hide my Aspergers symptoms as I felt my autism embarrassed my family, and kept quiet to avoid attention. I would feel so guilty for the financial burden, embarrassment and attention my suicide would bring to my family, so I still keep quiet and just put up with it. The idea that depression should be kept quiet was instilled in me by my mother when I was 14. Long story short, I was open about my depression and instead of offering me help or offering to get me help, the first sentence she said to me upon finding out I was public about it, was “you need to stop that, no one wants of needs to hear about it, especially not employers, do you even want a job?!”
  23. Devine09
    Devine09 avatar
    13 posts
    19 April 2020

    The only thing that keeps me here are my dogs. No one will love them as I do. I couldn’t care less about humans all they ever do is hurt me. I have been a loving, kind person, helping others where I can all my life but all I ever get back is shit. So I sit here waiting for my dogs to pass so that I can finally be in peace.

  24. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6606 posts
    19 April 2020 in reply to Devine09
    Hey Devine09,  We are so sorry to hear you feel this way, it sounds like it has been a stressful time for you recently. Please know that our community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this tough period. We also want to let you know that we are checking in with you via email. 
    1 person found this helpful
  25. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    9817 posts
    19 April 2020 in reply to Devine09

    Hello Devine09..

    I once thought like you are..everyone that was supposed to love and care for me did nothing but hurt me deeply..

    I cam here to Beyond Blue as my last and desperate option in life..

    I have been here 3 years now..and the people here are so caring, compassionate, kind, supportive and just so amazing that they have shown me that their are beautiful people in the world....and I began slowly to trust people...

    I live alone with my 2 dogs..They are my life..I play with them, pat them and love them so much....

    Please dearest Devine09, instead of sitting their waiting for them to pass..put your love and time into them and talk here as much as you feel to..if you haven’t already, could you start your own thread, then myself and others can hold your hand..(virtually unfortunately)..and walk along side you with our love, care and support...Hoping so much to getting to know you more..only if you want to..

    Sitting with you dear Devine09..

    Sending you my care, love and hugs lovely Devine..🦋💜🤗..

    Grandy

  26. tablelamp
    tablelamp avatar
    5 posts
    22 April 2020
    My wife relies on me too much and whenever I've bought up how low I feel she threatens to hurt herself if anything ever happened to me.
  27. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    22 April 2020 in reply to tablelamp

    Hi tablelamp,

    Sorry you are not being listened to.

    Why do people do that? You try to reach out to them and tell them how much you are hurting and not coping and they turn it all around so it is about them!

    Or else they just dismiss your hassles all together and tell you to get on with it.

    Hope you find someone who will listen.

    It really bugs me when people say they wish they had known someone had been needing help after it is too late. Hello! That person could have been screaming at them for help and no one was listening.

    Is being concerned for another person's reaction to our pain purpose enough to stay?

    Where does the help come from? Buggered if I know anymore.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. hello, hi, 😀
    Valued Contributor
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    hello, hi, 😀 avatar
    537 posts
    22 April 2020

    Hi,

    I think the hope that things will get better in future and I will be able to become independent in future after high school.

    The question, what if I misunderstood other people?

    The embarrassment of other people finding out and if it goes wrong, facing the criticism or special treatment from others.

  29. Cranberry Juice
    Cranberry Juice avatar
    19 posts
    6 May 2020
    My 11 year old special needs son whom i see for 6 hours fortnightly but my ex wont let me see him for 2 months now because of the corana virus as it could kill him. If I did'nt have him in my life I would not be here as I have no partner, no friends, Im just alone . I work as a aged care nursing assistant and I treat my residents like family but i come home to a empty house with nobody to talk too.
  30. J774
    J774 avatar
    18 posts
    12 May 2020

    I think this thread is really great :)

    Although I have really wanted to I haven’t attempted bc I know I have so much life left to live

    I also help out a family and they have become a second family to me helping me as much as I am helping them. I want to see the 2 beautiful kids grow up and grow alongside them

    I also don’t want to hurt my boyfriend. He believes in me and loves me so much and I don’t want to inflict such pain on him. It would break him

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