Thank you for posting on here! There are lots of people who are happy to read comments, even if it's just to others get things off their chest.
I'm really sorry to hear you struggle with suicidal thoughts, and the desire to self harm. I have had the same struggle since I was about 17, but things can definitely get better and you can gain much more control over these things. I want to echo what Sophie has said - I have used many of the services she recommended and they are all useful. If you ever get into a really dark place you can call Lifeline or Suicide Call Back Service. I have used them both probably a half dozen times in total, and they can really help you through the really tough moments.
It's very relatable that soccer used to provide an escape from your thoughts. Exercise is known to help dramatically with depression, anxiety and low mood. I exercise every day because of this (mostly skating or running.) It sounds like the expectations of others have taken the therapeutic element of sport away though, and that's sad, but a common experience I think.
It sounds like you're still in two minds about continuing with soccer. Is there a way for you to continue but in a lower pressure way? Could you become a coach, referee or volunteer for a youth league perhaps? Or maybe join a casual indoor soccer league? A slight change of direction might help you to keep enjoying a sport you like, but in a setting where the expectations on you are lower or at least different.
Look after yourself mate,