Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Topic: Help needed

  1. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    25 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Just take that "goodbye" on board.

    If She is willing to loose all the other 167 hours per week She could spend with you, because of u seeing ur parents 1 hour per week. Well that's her call. She is essentially saying that all those wonderful 167 hours per week with you, aren't good enough to cover that 1 hour u have with your parents.

    Doesn't seem like a reasonable position to me. U?

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    25 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    She has now come back with it can call my parents when ever I want but she wants two weeks of me working on us first before I go and see them for the hr a week.

    Is this a reasonable comprise?

  3. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    25 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    It's fairly reasonable... consider...

    You might say, well I'll call parents tonight, then the two weeks starts with Her tomorrow, then on day 15 I'll call my parents again but this time maybe for a 2 hour chat, and from then on 1 hour per week.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    25 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Another just popped up U77.

    I recall u mentioned She's been taking your phones and also demanding to check them. Are you comfortable with that? I'm not personally, it's a deal breaker imo.

    Is She going to come back to you one day and say, look u been on your phone for 90 minutes to your parents this week, that's breaking the rules, etc.

    So ask for MORE than u might want/need to give yourself leeway to negotiate.

    maybe : If i'm on a long drive by myself, or otherwise by myself, and I want to talk with parents/kids and you're not there, you have no say over that at all.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    25 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Hi dng

    we were looking like having another good everything was looking good, I said I would ring my kids explain the weekend deal with them then call her back. So I called the kids spoke to them they were ok about it. Sent a text saying just having something to eat quickly call you in 5. Wasn't good enough couldn't wait called me then says that's not putting me first I won't come second to a sandwich. So I said this is no different to what is was like before I can't do this I won't be controlled. She said ok bye and has blocked me

  6. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    25 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    ok, do you notice how she's putting her needs ahead of yours.

    You can't eat, because I need to talk with you right now.

    Sometimes that's reasonable, sometimes its not. Do you think it was reasonable that particular time?

    A possible response, and because I'm diabetic I can say, well I had to eat right then because that keeps my blood sugar levels optimum.

    Or, I wanted to eat the sandwhich right then so I wouldn't be hungry when having an awesome long chat/time with you directly after.

    Or, ok goodbye thanks for...

    or,..

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    26 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Google the following, I reckon it'll assist...

    Assertiveness - Better Health Channel Victorian Government

    dng.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Morning U77!

    I thought I'd just chuck up this lightening mood breaking way to say "see you later" or "goodbye". Its a book title from Douglas Adams works.

    So long, and thanks for all the fish.

    That might be a useful thing for you to do when She is breaking off communication angrily, something that acknowledges her anger and reflects it away harmlessly.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77
    Unsure how many kids do you have and how old are they?
  10. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Here2Talk
    I have 2 kids 17 and 13
  11. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    Things have turned bad dng think I've been well lied to.
  12. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Arvo U77.

    What shall we do about it mate?

    dng.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Basically she wanted me to spend 100 time with her until she was ready for me to see my kids or parents, I was happy to compromise and happy to put in the effort but I wasn't happy about not having my kids with me as often as I can, that wasn't good enough. It had to be until she was ready. I don't even think she wanted me to work/run my business which has suffered enormously. She was apparently taken to hospital because her heart stopped for 7 mins, she has had a heart attack and stroke rhe next day but the daughter sent me nearly 200 messages asking about our relationship, questioning me what my intentions are and there is no compromise.

    im just not sure how true this was because less than 24 hrs later she was breathing on her own and now was about to call me. After I said I wanted to be able to see my family and friends

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Yo U77.

    I suggest you do a bit of research on cardiac arrest. I have briefly, on our behalf, and discover an overall impression that if ones heart arrests/stops for 7 minutes prior to hospitalization, that one is likely to be in hospital until the doctors find out what happened.

    Similarly with stroke on a day after cardiac arrest... did the stroke happen in hospital and then they let Her out?

    I am somewhat dubious, if that's the case.

    I note you are unsure of the veracity too.

    But, if we just take it all onboard, what changes?

    If those are lies, then they are truly an act of legal fraud. Take it to police for investigation please.

    If those are truth, then crikey that's one strong lady! Do you want to be around someone who is that strong, that they can suffer cardiac arrest and stroke all in 48 hours and then still be asking about your intentions through her daughter?

    As an option, we obviously do have to recognise that survival needs are highest needs on the bargaining table. Might She die if you stop relating to her? Because if She implies that, well that's another expression of emotional manipulation in DV situation.

    I am highly concerned about this direction U77. stay safe mate.

    I am highly concerned because if She honestly believes her life is being threatened by something you aren't doing, or are doing, then She may well undertake more drastic means of expressing herself.

    dng.

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    Apparently she is still in hospital and she had the stroke and heart attack at the same time in hospital yesterday. I'm not sure when the heart was meant to have stopped if it was home or hospital. Apparently it's the daughter sending all the messages without her knowledge.
  16. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Interesting... Risks. Is the daughter attempting to emotionally manipulate you?

    What might the daughter gain from doing all this confidentially?

    So things are getting out of hand now, with the daughter interpretating wishes of She. Much harder to advise.

    Do you feel a visit to the hospital is a nice thing to do? What does daughter think of that?

    If hospital trip, then what is purpose of hospital trip, etc....????

    If no hospital trip, then what? Phone She??? Leave She for good? Wait for her to leave hospital then contact?

    I am concerned that if SHE finds out you are discussing matters with she's daughter, then she may become more upset with you!

    I personally don't like people talking about me behind my back. If they want to talk about me, do it with me, in front of me please is how I feel.

    anything else U77?

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Obviously it’s unacceptable to have you not spending time with your kids. Your kids don’t like her?

    As for the hospitalisation there should be a way to find out how accurate that is?

    It’s a tough situation Unsure. She clearly still wants you - doesn’t want to be washed clean of you all together, but definitely some odd demands....

    Did you say she had bipolar disorder? From what I’ve picked up on out of what you’ve said there are a lot of traits consistent with personality disorders...

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Here2Talk

    Yes she does have bi polar but as far as I know doesn't take her medication.

    the kids and her had a falling out early on in the relationship but were still willing to talk to her, she thinks they hate her and treated her terribly.

  19. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    I honestly don't think it was the daughter sending me the messages because she hates me. She doesn't even want me with her mum. There would be nearly 400 or more sent in 48 hrs and very little about mum condition in hospital. More wanting to know my intentions with her, and tell me there were no compromises I wasn't in that position to do that.
  20. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    I forgot to mention that the daughter who was apparently sending the messages has told her mum I don't want her or love her and have moved on.
  21. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    U77.

    Well if you feel the need to test the veracity of "daughter" vs "She", then ask to visit the hospital.

    If they deny that, you have some information.

    If they give that info you can remove potential of daughter in discussion by going to hospital for a friendly visit and reaffirming positions with She.

    Maybe something like, Hi SHE, I have 400 sms's from your daughter, and I am really worried about you. Can I come to the hospital for a visit, I have some nice flowers/gift to brighten your room. love U77.

    or... I have lots to talk about, can I come for visit to hospital?

    or We have lots to discuss, do you want a chat over the phone tonight/today_sometime?

    In a negotiation, presenting as someone else is a known tactic. It gives a person the ability to say things without owning the things they say, for they have plausible deniability.

    So any and all positions that seem to come from daughter may likely be She's testing your positions.

    Do you follow? from our military perspective, it is akin to spoofing the radar with chaff and decoys.

    Sun Tzu, describes it as, seeming far away but actually being very close.

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    At first I was allowed to go to the hospital but then not allowed. I asked for a photo of her in hospital in case anything happened before I could get there because she was given just hours. I was told don't don't you believe and that is distasteful, I won't do that.
  23. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Yeh, it is a bit distasteful to ask for a hospital photo. I'd agree with that.

    Time for some information gathering techniques then...

    You can however phone up various local hospitals on behalf of a loved one and ask what ward is She in, and what are the visiting times of the Ward. So you could gather some info through online research on possible hospitals She might be at, see their published visiting times then ask...

    Maybe > You can also ask HER, what are the visiting times at your hospital?

    If she doesn't know and says she doesn't know, cool that's helping her tell truth.

    If she attempts to deceive, you have possible true answers readily at hand.

    If she is truthful, you have surety about it yourself.

    So we try to cut through all the chaff sms messages... please can you provide anonymous retelling of some of those sms's please.

    What seems to be the single most important thing implied or actually written?

    What's the second most important thing?

    and finally... What thing is repeated the most?

    dng.

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    What's repeated the most is about my parents my lies and me not putting her first by wanting to see my parents. Yes asking for a photo was distasteful. I know what hospital she in but with her past circumstances no information is given out. From what I have been led to believe all 400 messages are from the daughter. I have said to the daughter that this really is seething your mum and i should be discussing. I was told she will never see these messages leave her alone move on or give her 100% first before seeing any family or friends until she was ready.
  25. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Yo, u77.

    repeated most is my parents are liars?

    repeated most is U77 is liar? u77 not putting She first.

    U know her hospital location.

    led to believe 400 sms from daughter. already mentioned to daughter don't do this discussion.

    told by daughter, She will never see these sms, move on OR give 100% support, ignore friends/family until She ready.

    *************

    That all looks very much like the positions presented by She already. So we take it all on board, no worries!

    She + She's daughter have same position together. Ok that's great news for YOU! because now you know She has support from family which makes you able to be less responsible for supporting She.

    All your old positions remain exactly the same, only now She has weakened her position by acknowledging She has support from daughter.

    Essentially the daughter has weakened She's position, in my opinion.

    Does that make sense?

    dng

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Hey dng

    i think I may have confused you a bit on the last post as she apparently been has only just woken and come too late this afternoon when I said I wanted to be able to see my family and friends and it be a two way street not one way. I understand it will take time to mend and build the trust again I just wanted the reassurance I could see these people.

    Im that confused and upset by all this I feel I'm talking In riddles to you.

  27. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Hi u77. You could sms those messages to your own email account, that'll turn it all into text and then u can cut n paste here. somethink like that.

    dng.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Hi unsure. It’s a little confusing trying to follow you two, but you seem to get what each other are saying lol. I know you probably don’t really care much for my two cents here and there, but I understood that you actually wanted to ring David and Goliath. I think the confidentiality requirements of this online platform would prevent you from doing that...

    It seems very difficult for you at the moment, it seems like your ex fiancée is not only disordered in her mood but maybe like I said some personality problems as well... this would explain the not taking meds a lot and distrust of like everything you say and taking issue at every little thing....

    From what I understand personality disorders are thought to usually stem from very unpredictable childhood environments where needs have been that badly not met that it results in the problems that you have been subjected to....

    to make things worse, her daughter seems to have some of the same stuff (to make a really big guess based on what you’ve said)....

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Unsure77

    Hi U77! Just letting u know I c what ur saying. dng.

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Unsure77
    Unsure77 avatar
    144 posts
    28 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    To add more stress to this dng one of them messaged saying you know mum didn't have long left and you couldn't be with her, I was a scum bag and my dad has just had a heart attack tonight 3 hrs ago

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up