My husband has just told me he is addicted to open sites and it has been going on for over three years. He has pleaded with me thst he is sorry and to take his phone away. He also tells me he has suicidal thoughts and doesn’t feel good enough. I have told him he needs to get help and thankfully he has agreed. He keeps asking me if I still like him and are we okay. I know he is fragile so don’t want to cause any upset but I am upset about the porn. It feels like a betrayal.

Hi, welcome

I would put your feelings of betrayal aside for now. There is lifeline or the 1300 22 4636 number at the bottom of the page.

He obviously is feeling embarrassed and unwell. Please be gentle.

TonyWK

G'day Pippa Pie, I too would feel betrayed by a partner taking three years to share their porn use. Takes quite a bit of planning and determination to hide that for so long.

I've heard of hypersexuality only recently, a search for that term may assist research.

When you observe/decide his immediate suicidal crisis is over, I suggest he and you create a safety plan for his suicidal situation, apparently there is an app for creating a safety plan ah here it is : BeyondNow suicide safety plan.

Once that safety plan is in place I suggest you share those feelings of betrayal and upset with him maximally and eloquently. Let him have it all, but just as politely and nice as you can. Then ask him if he wants to implement his safety plan. Be there for him and yourself.

I imagine one possible response...

If you've got to vent and shout/cry/scream etc, so be it, emotions can drive your response but not entirely control them. After letting him have all that he'll be more fragile again too, but that is, I think/feel, exactly where he needs to be. Fragile and honestly truthful enough to reshape himself into what you & he needs him to be, and with hope of reaching restoration of mutual respect and trust in whatever new shape the relationship takes.

If he'd come to you three years ago and shared he had an interest in porn, what might have happened?

Good luck.

Hi there it’s great he has opened up to u on his porn addiction it’s not usually the case. I found it helpful to download aps that block him going to sites and I did use covenant eyes and K9 for the computer. I caught my partner out several times it is a hard addiction to break as porn and substitutes for porn are all around us and to a degree promoted, they are not a healthy substitute for real love and connection. Tell him u are there for him, he may need distractions as in hobbies or going for walks to break his cycle… find out when he uses is it when ur out or late at night … change routine is a good start I wish u the best in your battle x

Hey Pippa Pie,

I'm really sorry that you had to go through that. it must be hard.

The reason he may do that is he feels bored, maybe he needs a new hobby.

Going to couples counselling may help. You both can express how you feel about the relationship.

Stay safe.