Hi Wilba, thank you. It means a lot to me to know people hav someone who listens.
For a long time, from when I was a teenager up until late 1992, 20 or so years, I thought it was perfect. My thinking was not critical of what I had achieved. I did not register the downside of what I did. I was barely existing, having convinced myself I felt nothing. Nothing got in, & nothing got out.
Caused me lots of problems. I came out of it feeling I had lied to myself, fooleed myself, & didn't have a clue about what all these emotions were & what to do about them.
I've spent all the years since early 1993, when I first took myself to see a Psychiatrist, because I was not coping at all. No one seemed to want to help me, or even recognise how much I needed help, as if they could not see what was happening. There were certainly times when I asked someone, when I had panic attacks, too, & no one helped. I felt, as always, on my own, & so I had to get help for myself. I've done that ever since.
Slowly, I began to gain some understanding, & most feeling have settled of their own accord, even the memories aren't as intrusive, but sometimes... I can be back there, & panic. Sometimes I drift off in my head, & not sure what's going on, what people are saying, not hearing my book reading, or tele, or music either & loose track of time. That's similar, too, to something I did way back then.
I endured by denying. That's what my inner room was, a place where I could hide everything so no one could get in trouble, I could move from one environment to another, & no one could notice anything wrong.
I could go out & have dinner at the table, just like always. I could go to school, Come home, visit my friend, & not have a connection between any.
If I could, sometimes I would again, sometimes I see what it cost me, & wouldn't. My options were limited, & that one may have been the best. Yet, it too, had leaks. So, Iwould not recommend it to anyone, not really.
I don't think I ever actually forgot any of it. Had I met & trusted someone enough, & had they asked, I would have been able to recall everything. I had simply shoved everything into my shelves in the room, & left them there. Only to feel it all tumble out in a torrent over & over during some months. I could not hold it or myself back, but for short periods of time, like when I had to go out, & not always successfully. ..