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Topic: I'm new here

  1. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    31 posts
    7 February 2021
    Hi
    I'm new here and was recommended to join the forums. I dont know where to start. I'm in my mid 30s, still single, and recently Ive felt so depressed that I can't do anything. Friday just felt like the worst day ever and I haven't been any better since. Its like a whole bomb was dropped on me. My account was overdrawn, I keep getting rejected, people take advantage of me. I feel like there is no way out of this. I felt this way last year and though I could deal with it but it just keeps coming back. I tried making plans and changing but it just keeps failing. Ive had the worst bad luck
  2. geoff
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    8 February 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Hello wing, welcome to the site and thanks for posting your comment, which seems to be an awful situation for yourself.

    In the 6 lines of your post, there is much to dissect, all of which are very concerning and only hoping you can tell us about what happened on Friday, besides what you have already mentioned.

    It's sad and very worrying that how you feel keeps returning back to you, and because you could cope with it last year, doesn't mean the same can happen this time, due to the many different circumstances that may have changed and the situation you're in.

    The people that take advantage of you should be avoided, if that's possible, but would love to hear back from you when you're available.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  3. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    31 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thank you for understanding Geoff and sorry for the late response.

    Between my last point and today, its been an up and down period. Things were peaceful for a period and I managed to deal with it, however in the past week I have gone back to where I was. I haven't been sleeping well. I cant get motivated to do things. I had hoped for something when I thought there was a connection with someone online but I feel I'm losing the connection and will get rejected again. Its eating me up. Thats the one thing I really want in life but I feel like its always taken away. This is what happened earlier in the year and now I'm realising I'm the problem and find ways to screw it up. I feel like a loser.

  4. geoff
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    29 June 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Hello Dwings, please don't ever worry about a late response and so pleased that you have returned.

    When problems can't be sorted out or they are only done to half an extent, then the possibility of them returning could be likely and may not favour you, so 'the can worms' once again reappears, and this time may be much more involved and complicated.

    Can I ask, and please only answer if you want to, this connection online you were hoping to connect with, was it an online service with someone, who at first, promised you the world but this hasn't happened.

    Geoff.

  5. Nelson_L
    Nelson_L avatar
    3 posts
    29 June 2021

    Hi All, Nelson here. Just joined this forum after much delay.
    need to work on my anxiety which I have been pushing under the carpet. Need help about tips from you all.

    thanks

  6. geoff
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    29 June 2021 in reply to Nelson_L

    Hello Nelson, thanks for joining and a warm welcome.

    Appreciate that it's never easy to post a comment on the site, but after reading what's been said and interests you, the temptation to come on board and be involved is too great, so well done and hope we can help you and likewise, you might be able to assist other people.

    The trouble with this illness is that we try as long as possible to ignore it or say it will be better tomorrow, but when none of this happens then we try to hide how we feel or as you say 'push it under the carpet', but there is only so much you can try and hide because it will begin to talk to you and it actually does, that's when you need help.

    The problem is that it comes in so many different forms, family, friendships, work, uni, school and most definitely relationship, all of which can harm you, mentally, in so many ways, so if you can tell us a little more and please don't be afraid, we have all had to struggle with our own type of depression and will be able to relate to what you want to say.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  7. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    31 posts
    29 June 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thank You Geoff

    Yes it was an online dating application. I felt like this was my last chance. In all honestly I hardly get matched or be sent messages, however this recent contact was nice at the start and gave me so hope. However she hasnt responded to my message and this is a common trend for me but for some reason I feel upset and broken.

  8. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5482 posts
    29 June 2021 in reply to Dwings

    hi Dwings,

    do you mind if I ask how long you have been feeling upset and broken? Are there people in your life you feel you can trust and are able to speak to about these thoughts and feelings?

    With all the craziness at the moment I think it would hard meeting anyone. And I don't know how long people take to respond to messages. But I know that some people I send a message to will not reply for 4-5 days. I am sure it would suck to get no reply vs anything else.

    Which leads me to a thought... what sort of things do you like? And are there any groups in your area for those things? Or is this too hard/difficult?

    If you want to chat some more...

  9. geoff
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    30 June 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Hello Dwings, online dating can give people hope if they have developed anxiety of some type because it's a promise from someone you don't know anything about, only from what they've told you and believe this is the person that suits you for the rest of your life, but you'll only know when you go out with them who this person really is, and then decide whether the two of you are ideal.

    Don't be disheartened if she hasn't responded yet, she may have other commitments that she needs to do but feels embarrassed about doing them and letting you know.

    If she has given you hope then you may feel more confident about talking to someone else, and please let us know how you get on, have courage.

    Geoff.

  10. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    31 posts
    3 July 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi smallwolf

    I have been feeling broken and depressed for long time. People dont really see it, as I keep a lot of it to myself and try to hide it away, embarrassing to talk about, although I have mentioned this before to others and they tell me everything will be ok. Well nothing has changed. Not getting a response from someone for a period of time is something I'm used to and it really sucks. The longer I wait makes me think they are not interested in me. I dont believe this other person would have many commitments given the COVID period we're in. I dont know maybe because of previous experiences I'm being a bit impatient.

    To answer your other questions, I enjoy watching sport and TV/movies and going for walks, but to be honest Id like to share it with a partner. I haven't heard of any such groups nearby.

  11. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5482 posts
    5 July 2021 in reply to Dwings

    I hope you don't mind and I have more on this topic... Have you or are you speaking with a professional? Or are you a DIY type person?

    Talk more later with you on the above.

  12. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    31 posts
    5 July 2021 in reply to smallwolf
    I havent been able to speak to someone face to face. In other cases, I try to deal with this myself, by drinking alcohol constantly to relieve any pain, however I decided to give up for a month. Also I try and move on quickly by continuing the online dating, however for some reason its too hard to handle lately, maybe because I thought this person was perfect for me, but obviously she's not interested.
  13. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5482 posts
    6 July 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Are there other possibilities for her not responding?

    Bogged down with work perhaps.

    Is it worth sending a follow up message?

    Hope you are going ok with giving up drinking. It is a strong move. Does it mean you recognise drinking as a form of self medication?

    Are there walking groups in your area? Perhaps you could start a group. Put an ad out somewhere looking for people to walk with. On Facebook even. Sometimes it is good to have a sounding board to throw ideas against. There are really no bad ones. Not the only reason but partly why I see a psychologist, to find ways of dealing with negative thoughts and ways to process them.

    Anyway, I don't want to throw more questions at you so I will leave it there.

  14. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    31 posts
    6 July 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    The possibilities are that she is not interested in me, found someone more interesting, perhaps my last message was too much for her I dont know. I dont believe she would have other priorities. She's a teacher, its school holidays and we're in lockdown, what else could you do during this time? I shouldve seen it coming though based on previous experiences. Plus she used to message every day but I felt there was something wrong when the messages werent as frequent as before. I felt like I done something wrong and I cannot fix it. What am I supposed to say to her in my next message if she doesn't reply this week? She might keep ignoring me. I try not to think too much about it but again I can barely sleep knowing this was my last hope.

    Alcohol has played a big part in helping me get through but because I'm not drinking for a month, it seems so hard.

    I dont think those group ideas would work. Lately I dont have a lot of motivation to do anything.

    You can throw as many questions as you can.

  15. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5482 posts
    6 July 2021 in reply to Dwings

    My wife used to be a teacher. Holidays were not really the case and typically getting ready for next term, including class prep etc. Sort of working from home. But I can see where you are coming from when the number of messages or replies drop.

    I don't necessarily think you had done anything wrong. When you put yourself out there and you don't get a reply I am sure would be upsetting. And lead to negative thoughts about the situation.

    As for what you could ask...

    Hey didn't hear from you for a while. What are you up to? Hope you are ok. Let me know.

    Something along those lines? I know very about the online dating world. Though I suspect that a number of negative results feed each other.

    Do your family and friends know what you are going through?

  16. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    31 posts
    6 July 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    I havent told anybody else, not even my family or close friends. What happened in February I told my close mate, he was angry for me and gave me support. At least then I knew this other person decided to cut contact. This certain dating app you can tell in the messages that a person is not interested.

    With the recent app, you cant tell if the person has read the message or stopped talking. Perhaps I can use that sort of message but I dont know when I should reply. She may or may not respond to my message. This waiting period is eating me up and I cannot sleep. Can I ask if many reply back after that sort of message?

    Ive used dating applications on and off for while but since 2019 I got right into and I can tell you that I have probably had 4 dates face to face and twice I have been rejected without any sort of reason. There's so many times where other girls have decided to not message me after a good conversation. The more this keeps happening, the more I'm starting to believe I will be alone forever and the future looks very dark

    To be rejected really sucks. I try to be positive but I feel angry, unmotivated to do things, not listening to people when they try and talk to me. Its not fair

  17. Nelson_L
    Nelson_L avatar
    3 posts
    7 July 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geof,

    I have been facing issues like anxiety depression and others things esp when I have to do something new.
    Luckily I know that the emotions pass away and it’s just for some time.
    I am here to know more and how I can handle these situations better.

    Also be part of forum and be motivated by each other’s stories

    nelson

  18. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5482 posts
    7 July 2021 in reply to Dwings

    There are stories by others on the forums who to chat about their experiences with online dating apps. And over time I will do a little Google search to find out more, such as success rate of dating apps.

    Some things to ponder ...

    Not everyone goes to a dating app for the same reasons. It would be logical to think everyone has the same reasons as ourselves but...

    Men and women act or respond differently to these apps with men tending to spread the chips to borrow an analogy.

    Do you go their thinking the first match would be the one? Or treat it like real life and just start with small talk?

    As for when you reply... Maybe after a week?

    But I would feel that not getting any real success, however you define that, would be frustrating and demoralising.

    While I have a FB account I hardly use it. When you put something out there I would wonder if people liked it, when would they see it. There are people I know who take days to respond to a SMS. For some reason my work requires me to provide instant feedback. And that carries into other areas of my life. Similarly waiting for a result of anything can also tie my stomach in knots.

    LAstley, on people not responding...it would be nice if others could provide you with some sort of closure rather than just not responding. My own though here is that it is easier to not reply. And becomes the norm. Harder to do in person. However that not replying can make the mind wander for the person sending the message.

    Not sure if any of this helps. Keen to chat more however.

  19. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    31 posts
    7 July 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    Thank you for that smallwolf

    Not having a response hurts, especially when you thought you had a connection with that person. Plenty of times I have been ghosted, ignored or rejected and I haven't been able to follow up with another message, but I will take your advise and message her again in a few days, assuming she hasn't responded by then, but only a small message as you said. I'm really hoping she can communicate again, even if its just friends.

    I mean it started as a small chat but they grew each time and told each other so much, it made me feel so good inside and I was confident every day. But having to wait and wait makes me anxious and hard to concentrate on other times, so many unanswered questions, was I was too much, what did I do wrong. Its been happening for a long time.

    I go on those dating apps to hopefully meet the one, because in person I have failed so many times, maybe because I'm not too confident in person I dont know. I'm try so much and I feel like its never going to work, no matter what I do.

    I dont like comparing my life to others sometimes but I see people around me meet the right person, get married, have kids, move house, it gets me down so much because my life is still the same, still single, same job and not heading in the right direction. What am I doing wrong?

  20. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
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    8 July 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Can you tell me more about not moving in the right direction and being in the same job?

    and I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Struggling? Yes. But that can be attributed to what is happening around you and how you see them.

    You also mentioned in your initial post about people taking advantage of you. There are a few things happening that may be contributing to how you are feeling? I am not sure what is most important to you.

    Slightly unrelated I am a people pleaser. My psychologist suggested I rock the boat and see what happens. I also had to chat with my boss about what was going on, asserting boundaries etc.

    Some things I would work out by reading. If you like reading there are some books I could suggest you look at? Just a thought.

  21. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    31 posts
    9 July 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    Ive worked in the same organisation for 17 years. I started there very young fresh out of high school, only a temp at the beginning but worked my way up to become permanent. I mean I like the people there but if I'm being honest I found it to be too stressful. I feel like everyday there's the same thing, no challenges, the same issues, dealing with the same enquiries, nothing exciting. Ive been working from home in the past fortnight, so given the past week I'm glad I'm at home not having to put with people face to face. When Ive tried to give ideas to help the place I feel like the ideas are ignored or changed.

    So yeah same job, still single for a long time. Trying to change but it aint working. Sometimes I think it would feel less stressful if I was dating someone, being cheered up and loved, but I dont think that would ever happen.

    What books do you normally read? I occasionally read before I got to bed or if I'm not sleeping well.

  22. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
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    9 July 2021 in reply to Dwings

    What sort of books do I read... Fiction is Fantasy. Non-Fiction stuff mainly. I am current reading a book called "Night games". Let you google that title. :) Another title I am part way through is "The confidence gap" by Russ Harris who does ACT therapy.

    Would you mind if I gave you my thoughts on your job? At least based on my experience. What I can say is that I think it sucks when you have been there for that long and any ideas you put forward seem to get rejected. All you want to do is help the place with efficiencies based on your experiences?

    Chat soon.

  23. Nelson_L
    Nelson_L avatar
    3 posts
    10 July 2021

    Hi all,

    I have a new role coming up this week of project management. I have never done it before so a bit anxious. Wondering if there are any tips to handle the emotions?

  24. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    31 posts
    10 July 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    The last week has been quite stressful at work, or working from home, I understand a lot of things we cannot do from home, but I feel people should be doing better. Although I do admit I'm not concentrating too much given whats happening and I have made some minor mistakes, but I have owned up to it and worked out a solution to solve it. I think the workload taking its toll. I do have more responsibilities than others, 3rd in charge of my area and people come to me for help. I just feel like a nice break for a period however I cannot go anywhere due to COVID restrictions and I dont like spending time at home. Pre covid I will visit my friends interstate. The other thing I feel is that when I take time off, the work either wont be done at all or not properly. This sort of thing occured in 2018 when I went overseas for over a month and people thought my work was too stressful to handle. This really annoys me that we have dont people in my area that are willing to step up and take on something different. When I got back to work it probably took me 1 to 2 weeks to get back into a routine.

    I guess the minor upside is I'm away from the office environment for maybe another week. It might sound mean but I dont really miss being there. There are a few people that I miss seeing but they are in different sections and they sometimes cheer me up by not talking about walk. I dont know, do you think its time for a change?

    If it wasnt for COVID, I could pack my bags and go to the country for a while to get away from Sydney and get some peace and quiet.

  25. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5482 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to Dwings

    It sounds like you have a feeling of knowing what is happening and perhaps controlling so it is done correctly?

    Some that I have been working on with my psychologist for quite a while.

  26. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    31 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    That's right. Its very frustrating. We've dealt with so many errors. I feel there are solutions to solve these errors but other people have other ideas of instead of fixing the errors, working around it. Its like a pot in the road, you continually drive around it and it doesn't get fixed. I'm getting really annoyed with people in the industry. I feel like I have to do more work for mistakes I did not make. I used to be ok with it but now I'm losing interest in my job. Maybe I'm just not in a good place being in lockdown and not hearing back from certain people.

    Just on that, I did send a follow message to that girl the other day but still no response. I dont think she'll ever respond she has obviously has no interest in me. I should've seen it coming, this sort of happens to me a lot. If they do take interest in me, its only if they think I'm loaded with cash and come up with some story how they are struggling with bills and they need some money.

  27. Learn to Fly
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    105 posts
    13 July 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Hi Dwings

    Thank you for sharing and reaching out.

    I hope you don’t mind me asking: what makes you say “I have realised I am the problem”? That’s a pretty harsh critique of a person. Imagine if this was your best friend or a family member, would also say this to her/him? And you are your own good friend and family member . In some ways we these two to ourselves. So maybe you are being a bit too harsh on yourself, maybe expecting a bit too much, especially now when you are going through a bit of a hard time?

    Let me know your thoughts.

    Take care.

  28. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    31 posts
    15 July 2021 in reply to Learn to Fly

    I guess Ive had a lot of bad luck over the years and when I try and get something that I want in my life but still cant get it, I often question myself as to what I do wrong. When I tell people this, I get the same responses, it'll be ok, you're a nice guy you'll get there. Ive heard that plenty of times yet the same thing just keeps happening over and over again, no matter how different I approach things.

    It gets me down so much when I hear friends and family do so well in their lives, yet I cant seem to go anywhere, no matter how much I try.

    I wouldve had confidence years ago to lift myself up but as the years go by I'm losing the confidence and motivation. I feel I will be lonely for a long long time.

  29. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5482 posts
    16 July 2021 in reply to Dwings

    Message #1. Do you work in IT? In your last post you mentioned the pot in the road, work around, not fixing, etc. While I might not use the pot in the road analogy, I have had the same frustrations in my world.

    Message #2 coming shortly re online dating...

  30. Dwings
    Dwings avatar
    31 posts
    16 July 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    Its not really in the IT area although I do a lot of computer work, inputting data in the network system, scanning, excel spreadsheets. It can be frustrating when we're not on the same page. I suppose its hard with lockdown when the only communication is email or phone. We were working from home last year but every 2nd day. Now we've worked at home since every day this month or could be another 2-3 weeks, who knows. A lot of us werent too prepared for this a fortnight ago.

    Since my last post, I did receive a response from her and she apologised for not replying. Like a lot of people she has struggled in lockdown which I can understand. You were right, I shouldnt have doubted myself. Its made me feel better and thought about her a lot.

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