hey guys. R here, aka TwoHeads. i'm a terribly succesful and terribly depressed man in his 40's. i hate being broken and struggle living with this reality. thought i'd reach out and try and find some like-minded people to get some useful tips on dealing with an "anxiety-fueled depression".

I was abused as a kid and suffered a fair whack of violence (pardon the pun) during my younger years. I lived with constant criticism and learnt that i was never going to be good enough. Life became a game of being outstanding to distract people from the brokeness - "nothing to see here". i struggle accepting encouragement and help, but they are artefacts that help me protect myself. i think often of how good it will be to finally die and leave this all behind, but never about killing myself. I have an amazing wife of >25 years and three marvelous kids who are a constant source of strength and frustration. Life is a peak and trough thing for me, with more troughs of longer duration and less peaks than the average bear.

Please say hi - would be good to connect with others in similar situations. have a good day.

Hi TwoHeads,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue community. Thank you for joining us here and sharing a bit about yourself and your life. Our valued online forums community is a safe space for you to share your thoughts, seek and give support. It sounds as though you have been through a lot of ups and downs but are able to see the positives in your life too. We can hear how important your wife and children are to you. 

Can we ask if you are currently receiving mental health support? If not, you might like to seek professional support to help you work through these thoughts that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3 pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

 

Dear R~

I'd like to join Sophie_M (who always give sensible advice) in welcoming you here to the Forum, a good idea even if nerve-wracking to talk about your inner self.

If you are anything like me the doing exceptionally well at things, in my case perfectionism, was a result of my anxiety condition. I guess you have worked that your for yourself.

Forever trying your hardest and putting on a successful face is very wearing over time, each time you put in extra effort and things go OK you are reinforcing a coping mechanism, and at the same time isolating yourself from everyone else

Does that seem to make sense? It's something that led me to crash.

More and more there were down moods and the harder I tried to complete tasks 100% the less likely I was to do well. I too wondered what it would be like to die, though in fact I was really wondering what it would be like to live in a world with no pressure.

I could not make myself better, in fact I kept getting more and more down times, less enjoyment or hope for the future. This despite having a good home, lovey wife, very loved but a handful offspring, and a steady job I'd enjoyed and no real money worries. In fact in a way all of those were irrelevant to my down feelings.

May I ask if you are under medical treatment for your depression and anxiety? The reason I ask is that was the only way I improved - that plus the support of my family.

Now I'm a different person, no longer driven for perfection, more secure in myself and able it give and receive love and support.

Have you managed to tell anyone else about the way you feel. Having someone you can talk frankly with and feel they care is a lessening of the burden you are carrying.

I'm glad you've retained a rather wry sense of humor, please do feel free to paint posts with puns and references to old-time TV cartoons, doing that's no Bo-Bo

I hope to talk more with you when you're ready

Croix

Thanks Sophie. Yep. Getting mental health support from a psychologist. Tough and stupid-slow going. Isn’t there a switch to make us all better in a flash? :-)

That's great to hear Twoheads,

Mental health recovery can certainly be a slow and uncomfortable journey.

We wish! haha 

Thanks Croix. Appreciate the honesty in your response. My driveness to be brilliant was more a defence mechanism. When i achieved outstanding things it meant i was less likely to cop a beating (physically or emotionally). As a ‘grown up’, I’m far more self aware, which means I’m a lot more aware of how broken I am and how pointless it is to pretend to be awesome - hence the depression since I’m mostly without a means to cope or counter things. No-one flogs me any more, but I’m stupidly broken and brilliance is not enough. Not sure that makes great sense as i read it back. Thanks for the welcome and the honesty.

Hi twoheads just wanted to say welcome to the forums and if you ever need to chat I’m here for you ok.

Dear R~

Yes it does make sense.

Having been beaten and abused by a parent does not just inflict physical injury, but mental injury too, and that is a serious and longs lasting hurt that takes time and most probably professional help to reduce down. After all it is the very person you instinctively look to as a child for love and protection was the source of the prblem.

You coped by trying to avoid beatings by working to the most unreasonable of expectations - entirely natural though now no longer necessary at all except possibly inside yourself. A coping mechanism to be un-learned.

So yes you are injured, but no, there is no way you are broken, if you were you would not recognize what is happening and not have any will to sort it out. You see the problem, are seeking better, and getting assistance.

You are injured, yes, broken no.

Look at what you have achieved, not only in terms of success -though that does reflect your inbuilt abilities, but in having a family for 25 or more years, with a partner and children and you use words like amazing and marvelous. This is a wonderful thing to have done, particularly as I'd imagine trust in others might have been hard to find.

These are not the actions and accomplishments of a broken man, far from it

My own experiences with my parents, while I was with them, definitely made trust harder.

Now, holding all this together without family support and only a psych is a very difficult path. Do you think it might be possible to confide in a family member -your amazing wife for instance - so you have someone to talk with when down ? It made a huge difference to me.

They do not have to understand what is in your head -mine did not really -just listen and show they care, that's all.

Incidentally if you do find that magic switch that cures all in a flash, please let me know:) I don't think even the Amazing Mumfort's magic wand can do that. As Sophie says it takes time, but then again most injuries do.

I hope you feel like coming back and talking some more

Croix

Hello TwoHeads, one day we hope there will be a switch that can suddenly make a person suffering from any type of depression better and I'm sure people are definitely working on finding a solution.

There can be problems wanting to be 'brilliant' because the slightest mistake can drastically alter your state of affairs such as feeling a failure or you're let your team down and be reprimanded in some shape or form and if you have been abused as a kid, then all you want is to have everything perfect.

Wanting everything to be done without a single mistake can lead to thoughts or behaviours that make it harder to achieve goals because you doubt whether or not they are perfect, and even if they are, you may still question the result.

We need to learn from our kids that what we thought was perfect is not to our children, each generation changes their ideas which doesn't agree with how we feel, so we can't be boxed into how we think.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

thanks for the heartfelt response Croix. I want to believe i'm not broken - happy to meet you in the middle: Not irreparably broken :-)

I regularly speak with my wife and a good mate about my mental struggles. it's an amazing thing, though i often feel like it's too much to ask them to listen they're always there to do so!

thanks Geoff. totally true. appreciate the insight, mate, so thank you

Hi R,

I'm Caz and new to this sight also. I was diagnosed a few months ago with Bipolar

I completely relate to your experiences. Childhood abuse, not being able to accept help. I'm 49 and have a beautiful son and partner but the depression and anxiety is a heavy cloud on the head.

There is a saying that a cracked vase shines more light (or something to this effect)😊

Are you getting any therapy?

We have a purpose on this Earth..and we are not alone even though it feels like it sometimes.

I hope this has helped.

Warm regards

Dear R, CasQ and others~

NBC had an article whch said

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — built on the idea that in embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art

One might as well be talking about mental health issues. I was complexly broken, invalided out of my occupation suicidal and told I'd never work again. Now I've reached a recovery point where I live with and cope with my illness. I'm a more stable, compassionate and able person than before. I know myself better.

Croix

Dear R~

You can see what I believe about being broken in the previous post. All the pieces of your true self are there, and can be brought together with therapy, kindness and support. As with me some things will never leave you, but can be accepted and coped with, leaving you in a pretty good place.

I could never understand why my wife never left me when I was in the worst of PTSD, depression, anxiety and hopelessness. I was so hard to live with , bad tempered, resentful, unpredictable and wanting to be left alone.

She coped. Housework, looking after the offspring, looking after me, all the bills plus going to work. Often wondering if I'd still be alive when she got back.

I did ask her why later on, and she said simply that she loved me.

Many years later I was able to repay the debt by being by her side during a long fatal illness.

So don't worry about being a burden on your wife and friend. It is amazing how determined and compassionate some people are. Plus, as in my case, you cannot see the future and may in some way be able to help them as much yourself.

Croix

Dear Caz~

I've read your other thread and you have already been talking to two of the best people here. The thread they mentioned, if you have not already found it is at

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/this-bipolar-life

There is a lot in it since Kaz started it in 2016, but well worth dipping into, a lot of people have related their experiences, many very hopeful.

I agree about having a diagnosis or label, I found immense relief my behaviour was a symptom of my illnesses, not character defects or unknown causes in myself

Croix